Only three episodes left. And I notice right off that this is another 90 minute episode and my heart has sunk so low because I’ve been on my computer all day and I don’t want to be on it anymore. In an effort to move things along, I’m going to try to do this today without pausing or rewinding. So I’ll probably miss stuff but too bad.
Rev Cal says it’s important the couples have some same-gender time. Cut to the couples.
Amber is a thorough dish washer. Wow. This is how they’re going to fill an extra 30 minutes? DON’T WASTE MY TIME, MAFS! How dare you?? Amber is excited about the CCC (cheese, crackers, and champagne) night ahead with Danielle and Mia.
Tristin is “sick” so he’s not going out with Bobby and Dave. Yeah. He’s sick. Maybe he got a virus from his cold-ass apartment. Or, more likely, he’s faking because he’s a dipshit.
The ladies discuss their respective issues. Danielle can’t believe Mia moved back in with Tristan. She points out that since Tristan tossed her out, he’s obviously not as committed as Mia as she is to him. Amber shares her insecurities, explaining what we all already know from watching the show week after week. Things seem good, then they maybe aren’t as good because she has outbursts and shows her insecurities and yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, we get it. Get some new material. Speaking of needing new material, Danielle feels bad because everything is “perfect” with her and Bobby so she doesn’t have anything to add that’s negative or challenging. They’re just magical and communicate the same way. Blah blah.
The men are going out for tacos and drinks. Ooh. They’re living on the edge playing Jenga now. My resentment over how the show isn’t even trying to hide how it’s wasting my time is growing. The guys don’t buy that Tristan is really sick. Dave is also not buying that things are so hunky dory with Bobby and Danielle. He thinks there’s an aspect of sweeping things under the rug and one day things will explode. Bobby says no, it’s just that he and Danielle communicate so similarly that they’re on the same wavelength. Also they don’t like conflict. But, not gonna lie, his defensive expression looks like he might wanna have a conflict with Dave over this. Dave presses. Bobby tells him he’s wrong. Dave says don’t take it personally. Then Bobby lets it go and asks about Dave and Amber. Dave shares his concern that when times get tough, she might make them tougher. He tells Bobby that he’s squarely on the fence. He’s a 5. (On whether or not to stay married.) Bobby thinks it’s tough to watch and hear how some of these other couples aren’t going to make it.
Mia arrives home with tulips for baby Tristan. She’s talking about making something for him to eat in the morning. Tristan is in bed. He looks normal to me, except he’s got a full container of orange Gatorade in his hand, his eyes are mostly closed, and he’s fake sniffing like Brett Kavanaugh last Thursday. Whatever, dude. Ain’t nobody buying this charade. This is total bull.
Amber is talking about jumbo cottonballs. She’s yammering about face wash and clay masks. Dave is looking on with that special smirk he seems to reserve just for Amber and what he, no doubt, thinks is her ridiculousness. He asks her to go over her skin routine and she does. She explains all the face products and why she uses them. And I’m about to throw something at the screen because, seriously, ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS, MAFS???
THIS IS FILLER! THIS DOESN’T ADVANCE PLOT! I HATE YOU!
Dr. Jessica points out that the couples are in a stressful time right now, so they’re encouraged to reach out to friends and family as they enter the final stretch.
I’m also feeling stressed. Maybe I should reach out to my good friend, Remote Control.
Bobby is having lunch with his parents and sister. It sounds like Bobby keeps calling his mom “toots” or “tooks” or something like that, and it’s really weird. His mom says she can tell he’s in love with Danielle and that’s why she’s on board. His dad wants to know how many “chiblins” Bobby wants. Bobby says two, but not yet. His dad guesses within 2-3 years. These people annoy me.
Danielle facetimes her mom who appears to be in some nightvision room. Apparently the marriage has brought Danielle and her mom closer together as they talk now more than they have in the past, and Danielle’s mom has even been sharing stories of her own marriage. (Ones Danielle has never heard before.) Mom starts talking about babies and Danielle is clearly not ready to be thinking of babies. She looks like she might start sweating creamy liquid like the robot guy, Ash, in Alien. The phone call ends soon after so we don’t know for sure yet if Danielle was about to short-circuit there.
Amber calls her sister and outlines the issues with her and Dave. How he’s critical, how she’s not always sure he’s into her, etc etc. Sis says Dave should be more understanding and patient, especially considering the unique nature of their union and the situation at large. Amber didn’t realize marriage would be this hard. (I feel ya, Amber. I didn’t realize this season of MAFS would be this hard.)
Dave’s turn. He’s out with his BFF Adrian. They have pretty much the same conversation he’s had before with Amber AND with the experts AND with camera AND with Bobby. His friend tells Dave he needs to blow up Amber’s insecurity. He said that’s on Dave. Dave said no, he thinks it’s on Amber, because he’s told Amber over and over he’s attracted to her. But Adrian basically says it’s not enough to just say it. He has to show it, too. And she’s obviously not getting the message from just the words. He suggests figuring out what makes Amber feel attractive and doing that. If it’s flowers at work, send them twice a week! Buzzkill Dave says the more economical thing to do would be to text her. And THAT’S why she doesn’t think you’re attracted to her, you romantic fool, you! Adrian has the right of it. He should be an expert on next season of MAFS. He wants to see Dave and Amber stay together. He likes them both and likes them for each other. He hopes they can figure it out.
Mia calls her mom. Mom (who, oddly, is in Mia’s phone as Grandma S[heart emoji] Bally) says trust is important and they need to consider themselves a unit and her family will support them as a couple. (I wonder if Mia’s dad and sister are in agreement on that. Doubt it.)
Tristan, who has made a miraculous recovery from his fake illness, is dishing with two buds. T gives an overview of the upcoming decision day as though they don’t know the concept which, as it’s a pretty key point of the show, seems unlikely. They ask how he’s feeling. He isn’t sure but is impressed with how dedicated Mia has been to the relationship. The friends aren’t sure either. They say they like Mia but things have been pretty fraught. Indeed.
Suddenly it’s only 1 week until decision day. Dr. Pepper facetimes to say they’re getting a mini-moon (aka- a weekend away). Rev Cal says mini-moons are designed to let people enjoy each other and relax, particularly away from the day to day routine.
Mia and Tristan are headed to Austin. She’s excited, especially because she and Tristan never got to have a honeymoon. Tristan is quiet. He seems miffed about something again. No doubt all will be revealed soon.
Amber and Dave are going to San Antonio. They’re both pumped. Dave thinks they’ll do this kind of thing a lot as a married couple. They like having fun together.
Danielle and Bobby are going to Broken Bow, Oklahoma. Bobby describes it as the prettiest place to camp near where they are. This is their first road trip together. Bobby asks Danielle about Mia and Tristan. Danielle says Mia moved back in but she was surprised. Then she adds that if Bobby kicked her out, she wouldn’t move back in. Ever. Warning heard, toots.
Oh, here we go. Tristan breaks his broody silence, confronting Mia in the car. Apparently he talked to Dave this morning and Dave mentioned how Mia told them how Tristan kicked Mia out. Tristan is all, “You told Dave I kicked you out.” Mia goes, “You did!” And then Tristan starts ranting at her. He claims he didn’t kick her out; she left. (Um, NO, Tristan! You packed her bags and put them in the hallway! You threw a candle at her!) She just sits there as Tristan says that what Mia says makes him come off as unreasonable and as the one in control and it’s not even accurate. He adds something about, “You expect me to have the perfect reaction to everything.” She interrupts and says, “No, you’ve never had a perfect reaction to anything.” He seems pissed at that and hits her with, “Really? I didn’t have a perfect reaction when I was told you were a stalker, but I chose to believe I saw something better in you than that and wanted to move forward. That wasn’t a good reaction?” Mia isn’t giving an inch. She’s all, “Well, I wasn’t there for that. I was just there for the aftermath.” Boom.
This is the second week in a row I am siding with Mia. Frankly, if this jackwhip was going to remain this annoyed with her at all times after the initial incident (about which he’d have had every right to say, “You know what? Good luck to you, but I’m not getting involved with this. Peace out.”) then it’s his own fault. At some point he needs to move on. Or not. But just quit staying in that negative mindset and getting so angry with her for being herself.
Amber and Dave arrive to their little suite. Amber likes the floors. Dave likes the big bed and big tv. Dave reports that they’ve had sex every night and haven’t skipped a day yet. Wow. Not sure we need to know those details. Dave wants to have a fun weekend together. They toast on the big bed. Amber says this weekend is their last chance to have fun together and their last romantic getaway before decision day. Amber wants to stay together. She feels there’s enough good stuff there to build on. She hopes Dave feels the same. (He does. He told camera earlier. Assuming Amber doesn’t bug him too much between now and next week, that is.)
Tristan and Mia arrive at the hotel and get out of the car looking exhausted. Tristan tells camera Mia has been crying for the past hour and a half. Mia brushes her teeth and Tristan dons the complimentary robe and slippers. Because of course he does. They probably didn’t have any huge ass blankets for him to wear instead. They decide to just go to sleep and talk in the morning. Mia (accurately) points out to camera that Tristan is too focused on the past.
It's dark and Bobby and Danielle are still on their way to Oklahoma. They are jonesing for s’mores and they’re having them tonight regardless of what time they arrive. That’s all decided. There’s banter about being eaten by bears. When they arrive at the cabin, it’s clear that the term “camping” was being bandied about in an honorary fashion. There’s nothing of the outdoors about their room. No tent. Lots of plumbing. Danielle is “super excited” – she repeats that about 12 times. I’m super tired of hearing it.
Back in Austin, Tristan gets out of bed and Mia isn’t there. Tristan reports his version of what we missed. Which is that Mia woke up in the middle of the night having a panic attack. He says he consoled her, rubbing her back, and they fell back asleep. Then she woke him up and said she wants a divorce and packed her bags and left. Tristan, now in the light of day, bothers the other couples on their mini-moons because he says he doesn’t know where Mia went.
He says he thought Mia and he were back on a better track but now he hears this. I’d like to know what would make him think they were on a better track? Because he rubbed her back (after making her cry because he picked a fight with her about their last fight? Umm, yeah.)??? Someone get Tristan on the phone with Adrian! Maybe hecan talk some sense into this idiot.
Amber gets a text from Mia who has reported that Tristan said he was going back to Dallas and she didn’t want to get stranded so she left. Dave says that’s not the story Tristan sent him. Then Dave aptly points out that it’s obvious they aren’t getting the full story from either of them, that Mia and JayT are all sorts of messed up, and that he and Amber have already spent enough time thinking of the other couple. Time to focus on themselves. Agreed, Dave.
The show doesn’t agree though because now we’re thrust right back to stupid robe-clad Tristan. He reports to camera (and his mom on the phone) that he can’t believe Mia has “left again.” This phrase jars me and makes me suspect that we are not, in fact, getting an honest accounting from him because he tried claiming Mia left before when he’d actually kicked her out. So something stinks here. You know, besides this whole show.
Next week, we see Mia has returned (again), Danielle is still not ready to say I love you, and Amber annoys Dave with some question he doesn’t want to discuss.