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Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 9

It’s Day 24. 

Danielle and Bobby are coloring in a map poster of places they’ve visited together. (So far, it’s Mexico.) Bobby and Danielle are both feeling like everything is perfect. Bobby hopes it’s not too good to be true. 

Amber and Dave are having a date night out. They’re playing with Dave’s ring which is stuck on his finger. Amber shares how she’s starting to lose her hair. She thinks maybe she’s dyeing it too much. Amber says she feels more herself as a blond, that it better suits her personality. Dave asks for more information about this and Amber repeats those points and adds how she prefers this look over how she looked as a brunette. Dave doesn’t understand this, particularly as the process seems to be making her hair fall out. In his mind, just stop doing it. He tells camera he saw an old facebook picture of Amber with dark hair and she looked great. He adds that he finds her attractive now as well and is attracted to her, and accordingly, he doesn’t know why she’s so insecure. 

Amber gets a little touchy about the topic when Dave says he generally doesn’t understand the culture of people wanting to change their hair color from what they get naturally. Amber points out that millions of women change their color and it’s no big deal. Then she tells him they should stop discussing this topic because she already feels insecure about him not liking her hair color and now here he is trying to talk her into dyeing it brown. He looks a little shell-shocked at how she put words in his mouth and assures her he isn’t trying to talk her into any such thing, and then they just stare awkwardly at each other as the camera views them from afar and we all realize ain’t no way these two are staying married.

(Side note: I agree with both of them on this particular point. On the one hand, there’s Amber’s point that tons of people – both genders – dye their hair. It really is NBD. I also agree with her that a person can “feel” a certain look better reflects his/her personality. I used to have one color hair because in that stage of my life it felt like “me.” Now I have another color (which is actually much closer to my natural color) because, at this stage of my life, it better reflects who I feel I am now. So when Amber says she feels like she should be blond, I understand what she’s getting at. On the other hand, when Dave says that he doesn’t understand why Amber would choose to do something to herself that is causing her harm – i.e. making her hair fall out – and how, to him, it would be an easy decision to simply stop doing it in that case, I agree with him. If at some point I started losing my hair because of the dye, I’d stop dyeing it. Yeah, I’d be bummed to no longer have that option, but I’d rather have my natural color than no hair.)

Ugh. Mia and Tristan now. I don’t care about these two at all. Mia is a joke and Tristan needs to have quit her back at the airport. But they’re about to have what Tristan envisions as a “light lunch” with Mia’s sister and dad. Uh, T? Do you not recall the last time you met with these two? The sister was a raging bitch to you the whole time and the dad told you he didn’t want you sleeping with his daughter? I don’t think a “light” lunch is in your future with these two. Like, ever. 

Ha! Mia sets about destroying the “light” vibe immediately when she drops the bomb that she and Tristan visited his family in Houston and they might be moving there. (I think Mia did this on purpose because she, in fact, doesn’t want to move to Houston.) Naturally, Mia’s sister and dad pounce. What do you mean? You only just met and now you’re moving? This is a terrible idea! Why would you do this? So instead of talking basketball as he’d naïvely hoped to do, Tristan is left to explain that the move to Dallas is because of his tutoring franchises. (In case you’re wondering, in light traffic, it takes 3.5 hours to drive from Dallas to Houston.) 

Mia’s sis, Deidre, is having none of it. Didn’t he think of this before he got married, she wants to know? Tristan says he did, actually, and proceeds to did a deeper hole by saying that he told Mia that she can keep her condo and he can have a one-bedroom in Houston and they can go back and forth. Deidre is unimpressed and hammers him for focusing so much on his business, when he should be talking about their relationship and not planning to live separately! Mia meekly interjects that this all feels more like an interrogation than a conversation, and nothing has been decided, and can they please cool it? Tristan tells camera that he doesn’t know why Mia brought it up in the first place when they hadn’t figured it out themselves yet and he hadn’t been ready to discuss it. Tristan tells Deidre that Mia is allowed to decide. Deidre informs Tristan he’s essentially given Mia an ultimatum.

Mia quietly turns to Tristan and asks if he’s feeling uncomfortable. He replies, “What do you think?” at which point she turns to her family and says in her best Captain Obvious voice, “You guys, Tristan is feeling uncomfortable…” Tristan views this as Mia throwing him under the bus. He’d wanted her to take the lead to diffuse the situation (that she started in the first place) and Mia is only making it worse. Tristan puts his head down at the table to pray to his god to give him strength not to stand up and yell, “Mia is a lying stalker and how dare you people give ME the third degree!!!” before stomping out, never to return.

Wow. This is good tv. 

To offer viewers a respite from the high intensity of thatscene, they take us to Danielle and Bobby. They are playing the fishbowl game in bed. (That’s the one with the bowl of questions meant to spark conversation.) It starts off easy. “What’s your fave feature on me and why?” Bobby answers as we all know he will: your eyes and lips. Snoooooooze. (Eyes because they’re beautiful and lips because they’re a good lip shape. For real, that was his answer.) Things intensify, though, when the questions get more private and sexual. Danielle doesn’t want to answer things like “how would you like me to initiate sex?” and she really struggles with “what is the most unusual thing someone has asked you to do in bed?” Bobby is up for the game, but Danielle is private and he wonders if this is going to be a problem.

Hi, Bobby? It’s not. But you know what is?

That’s right. Tristan and Mia. Let’s look at THIS trainwreck, shall we? 

Tristan and Mia have survived lunch. Tristan looks ready to blow as he scolds Mia for dropping that bomb on her family, particularly as they’d had at least some discussion on not yet sharing it. She doesn’t understand why he’s so upset. He says, “I have to baby you through conversations!” He explains that issues like moving are major bombs one doesn’t just announce before pleasantries are even exchanged. Also, one doesn’t have a whispered convo with one’s spouse about their level of comfort only to turn and share what was said immediately thereafter. He doesn’t know why she doesn’t get it. You know what I don’t get? WHY TRISTAN IS STILL TRYING TO WORK ON THIS WITH MIA!!! Mia apologizes and Tristan lets her off the hook again because he’s a bigger idiot than she is, at this point.

The couples are having Wife Day and Husband Day now. The gals are getting pedicures and the men are at the driving range. How cliché. 

Mia shares a cleaned-up version of her latest issue with Tristan. She says “y’all” an unnatural number of times. Amber dishes about her hair fight with Dave. Then the ladies look over to Danielle to hear about her and Bobby, and of course Danielle has no issues to share. Danielle tells camera that she tries not getting involved in other people’s issues and that she’s happy to be a listening ear, but there’s only so much of her own energy she’s willing to put toward them. Amber tries asking for advice, but Danielle has none to give. Amber thinks this is complete bullshit. 

Well, we’re about to find out because as soon as they’ve hit some golf balls, Dave and Tristan ask Bobby how things are going and Bobby is all, “I don’t know… I don’t know… we just…” Nope. As predicted last week, that was all editing. Bobby has nothing negative to share. He’s in love with her. Maybe he’ll tell her soon. The guys are like, “We hate you right now. Har har.”

Tristan and Dave recap their own wife issues. With Tristan and Mia it’s communication. Amber doesn’t take criticism well. Dave thinks he may be approaching the situation wrong with her and says he keeps thinking of alternative ways to reach her. Bobby advises against that. He says Dave should keep doing what he’s doing because that’s how he is and Amber needs to get used to him as he is and bend a bit. Dave appreciates that idea. He remarks to camera that he wishes Amber would believe he’s attracted to her, and then overshares that they’ve had sex every night (and most mornings) so things are good in that regard but she lets herself go to the negative place too easily. Uh…TMI, Dave.  

Dr. Jessica is visiting Dave and Amber. She’s also concerned with Amber’s insecurities. Amber tells Dr. Jessica that Dave tried to get her to change her hair. (Which isn’t even true.) Dave tells Amber that when she gets negative, he worries for their future. Amber says the more she feels for Dave, the more fear she feels (that she’ll lose him). Dave has happy visions of their future together and just wants to get to them.

Tristan and Mia had a blowup about their communication. Now they’re gonna move forward. (again?) 

Now, randomly, even though it doesn’t even fit with the show theme today, it’s time for fantasies. This is gonna be awkward. 

Bobby’s fantasy is a t-shirt and a hat. Of course it is.

Amber wants Dave to dress up like a Viking. He doesn’t seem game for that. 

Mia suggests Tristan dress up in a donut costume. (WTF?) Tristin is all, “Aw yeah…special delivery.” Hahaha. 

Amber finds a special card on her kitchen table. One of Amber’s fantasies is being surprised, so Dave has asked her to meet him at some address for a night on the town. PS- He’s wearing blue. Amber was happy to know that. (Awww. He knows her love language. Eye roll.) 

Dave picks her up in a horse-drawn carriage. They joke about the Viking costume and Dave thinks this is way better than that fantasy and, he adds, maybe he’ll still pillage her later. (Gag.) They’re having a romantic time. They’re drinking champagne. They share a few kisses. Then Dave says, “Wow. You smell really good, and it’s allllmost overpowering.” Shit. That Dave sure knows how to ruin a moment. Amber’s face morphs and she can’t believe that just happened. And this time, I can’t either. Why the hell would he say that??

She thinks of Dr. Jessica’s advice about not taking everything so personally, and reminds herself it’s mostly fear-based. So she doesn’t let that bit of thoughtlessness derail the night. Good work, Amber. Progress! Dave and Amber have dinner on a private rooftop and she squeezes his ass and all’s well.

Danielle pops out of the bathroom in one of Bobby’s baggy t-shirts, short shorts, an ugly baseball hat with a cactus on it, and straight hair, and says in a deep voice, “So I hear you have a thing for girls in hats?” He cracks up. They go to sleep. Their fantasies are as tame as their reality. Ah well. 

Tristan is in donut boxers and suspenders. He tells camera that all of Mia’s fantasies involve her massive sweet tooth. She wanted him to dress up as a donut. Feed her donuts. Be a donut. He said he’ll do whatever. Mia is definitely more into the donuts than Tristan when he comes out in his getup. Then they retire to the bedroom and he brings the donuts, saying he may have a use for them. (Gag again.) 

At least Bobby’s boring hat fantasy didn’t involve a cringeworthy dick pun.

And then the episode is over. Next week is the 1-month anniversary episode. A month already? It feels like a year…

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 8

Episode 8 starts off with Dr. P reminding us that the couples are getting back to reality with only 5 weeks left of the experiment. Whereas before they were honeymooning and moving in together, now they’re more to the day-to-day type stuff that makes up life. In addition, the couples are no longer strangers. Uh, relatively speaking. 

The action (and I use that term loosely…) opens with Danielle and Bobby getting up for the day. Bobby shows us his routine: Get up, let the dogs out, make coffee, pack a lunch for Danielle. Danielle remarks that Bobby is beyond her imaginings as she didn’t expect to find a spouse who does so much to help her and make her life easier/better. I bet it’s extra nice because that 90-minute commute from his house to her job is NO JOKE. YIKES. Also, I can’t help but note that if Bobby (or Danielle) packed the lunch the night before, it would save time in the morning. Just saying.

Next up to the high-rise. Rev Cal is visiting Mia and Tristan to check in on them. He starts with Tristan. Cal wants to know how T is with trust. He said he’s getting there. Mia comes back and they tackle the issue of moving to Houston since, as T points out, the lease at this place runs out in a month and his job is flexible and he kinda wants to move. Mia tells Cal she told Tristan that he is home to her so where he goes, she goes, but then she adds that she’s not sure if moving to Houston would let her be her best self. Rev Cal tells them to make a pro-con list to help them make a choice. I think it would be a colossal mistake for them to move together. Or even to stay together. Seriously, these two are doomed. Just end it now, pleaaaaase. 

And just like that, it’s BOYS’ NIGHT OUT. The three married dudes and Cal. They discuss how they feel about marriage. Then, as the meals come out, Cal sets them up for a world of hurt by asking them to rate (on a 1-10 scale) how their wives are so far as wives. (Whatever the hell THAT means…) Cal says it’s for him to have a barometer or where the guys are in their marriage satisfaction and so forth, but really we know it’s just to start trouble with the couples so the show can get good footage of issues-a-brewin’.

Bobby, of course, has no issues whatsoever and gives Danielle a 10. He’s super enthused. She’s perfect. He’s perfect. Their partnership is perfect. This is the best experience he’s ever had in his whole life. The others look at him sorta sick-like, especially Tristan who is stuck married to Stalker Mia. Dave drops another of those “good for you” phrases he doesn’t mean.

Dave gives Amber a more realistic 7.5. He thinks she’s great, and things have been good BUUUUUUUT… she hasn’t been a rock-star yet. He says how Amber stresses herself out and he’s had to sort of be there for her a lot of days. He wonders what if he has a bad day some day? Can she comfort him? (Spoiler alert: When Amber hears this rating, his day is gonna get bad realllllly quickly.) He points out that they agreed that he’d cook and she’d do the dishes, but several times she’s been too tired and he ends up doing the dishes the next day. He goes on to say that she’s got a longer commute and he can come home at lunch, so to a degree he gets it, but he’s still concerned that there’s not enough equity. Rev Cal points out that marriage is never 50-50. Sometimes one partner has to pick up 70-30 for a time, but it can flip back the other way at another time. C’est la marriage.

Tristan gives Mia an 8 (she in no way deserves…) because she has all the ingredients but she’s still working on putting it together. As usual, he’s being generous. He mentions love which starts a conversation about love and being in love. Dave makes something of the distinction, and says he’s fond of Amber but he’s not in love with her. Rev Cal wants to know how he knows and Dave says it’s just something he’d know. Rev Cal says the idea of falling in love the way some people put it sounds like something that happens to you, like falling into a puddle, but it’s not that. His theory is that love is not just this feeling you wait for, but is an intellectual decision to commit to someone and their needs and to do whatever possible to fulfill that until death do you part. It’s about commitment, and he informs the men that they’re all already in love. 

Bobby really likes this sentiment. He says he and Danielle already have that and he wants to discuss it further with her. 

Luckily for us, that scene is now. Bobby and Danielle discuss the night. She’s happy to know he rated her a 10 and she’d rate him a 10, too. Then he explains Rev Cal’s theory on love. He tells the camera that if that’s the definition of love, he’s 100% in love with Danielle. But he hasn’t told her yet because—wait for it!—he’s waiting until it feelsright to say it. Hahaha. So even though he likes the sentiment of love being intellectual, he still wants it to be emotional. Danielle tells camera she feels the same way, but she, too, admits she’s not ready to say the words to him yet. 

Dave and Amber are furniture shopping. She moved into his place but wants to make it feel like theirplace. They’re looking at furniture and the vibe is good. Until Amber finds out Dave rated her a 7.5 and she feels shit about it. Her insecurities about being a bad wife have now been confirmed. She wants to know what she has to do to be a 10. When he tries to defend himself and say nobody rated anyone that high, he had to be like, “Well, ok, Bobby rated Danielle a 10, but that’s ridiculous. Nobody is a 10.” Amber rolls her eyes and says, “Danielle is, apparently.” Dave also thinks Amber getting upset about this is ridiculous. Amber thinks he should at least have rated her an 8. She wonders if she’s exceptionally bad or if his expectations are too high, but either way, I don’t have a good feeling about them buying furniture now. I’m betting Dave doesn’t confess Tristan gave Mia an 8, either. LOL.

Oh, speaking of Mia and Tristan. Turns out Mia is on the dating app Tristan’s friend Goober is on. When he confronts her about it, she tries to claim she thought it had been deactivated and she’d deleted the app from her phone. Tristan tells her he doesn’t trust her. He’s shutting her out and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Who can blame him? They FaceTime with Dr. Jessica and it’s more nonsense. Try to hang in there, blah blah. Don’t take off your ring or threaten divorce because that’s emotional blackmail, blah blah. (We weren’t privy to anyone saying that, but I’m thinking if Dr. Jessica is mentioning it, perhaps it came up in the part of the conversation we didn’t see.) Try to give Mia a chance to prove herself, blah blah. When the call ends, Tristan again says they’ll get through this. Honestly, again, I don’t know why he’s bothering. It’s one thing to keep forgiving someone you’ve known and with whom you have an established relationship because maybe they deserveanother chance. But what has Mia done in the past three weeks except lie to him? (And even though the stalking charges she’s facing weren’t done TO Tristan, he’s gotto be thinking of Mia having done them to someone else and thinking about those as another strike against her.) 

Danielle is cooking for Bobby. She wants to show him that if he’s sick or something, she can take care of him. She clearly doesn’t cook often, but he appreciates the gesture. He says it’s good, but the amount left on his plate indicates the meal maybe wasn’t a 10. 

Amber is still obsessing over the 7.5 rating and brings it up at her dinner with Dave. He insists it’s not a bad rating and there’s always room for improvement. She wants to know what she’s doing or not doing that’s such a big problem. Dave says she’s aware that she’s been stressed and it’s made him have to do more than she has. She makes Dave give her an example. He says, “Well, for instance, you said you’d do the laundry. But I’ve done laundry the past two weeks.” She gets her back up immediately and says, “Your laundry! It isn’t like you’re doing more than you would’ve already been doing. It’s not like you’re doing mine.” He says, “Right, but it’s something we discussed and something you said you were going to be in charge of.” Then, conveniently, the editing shows the very conversation wherein Dave and Amber divvied up their domestic responsibilities. He said he’d do the cooking and would handle the garbage. Amber said she’d do laundry. Amber doesn’t like this reminder and she says, I never wanted to be a wife who had to do extra stuff for a husband, and this is one of the reasons I was always never wanting to get married. OUCH. Meanwhile, Amber, hon, if that’s the case, get divorced now. 

Dave thinks Amber is creating problems and is trying to be patient with her. He’s also shaken by her bombshell comment. Amber tells camera she doesn’t know why she made such a big deal about it and she’s not sure where they’ll go from here because she’s said some things she shouldn’t have and can’t take back and Dave probably won’t forget. Hi, Amber, GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, GIRL.

Dr. Pepper comes on with a helpful insight about knowing the couples have baggage they’ll need to work through but hopefully they can so they get to enjoy the love they crave and deserve. 

Tristan and Mia are going bowling. Mia bowls with the bumpers up. Fun fact: I bowled a 7 once. (Obvs Ididn’t have the bumpers up.) They have a fun night. I wish this episode was over already.

Amber sits down with Dave and admits she overreacted. She thinks it’s because she has feelings for Dave and is scared of getting hurt, so she caused a fight to protect herself. Dave thinks they need to focus on the good and stop letting fear be an impediment. Dave likes that Amber said she has feelings for him, but he’s also a little bothered that she keeps letting her insecurities get in the way. He appreciates her apology, but he also wants to see an active change. While I agree with some of Dave’s perspectives, he really does seem kind of unbending and judgmental. I don’t like him.

Next week…Dave insults Amber yet again, Mia’s sister acts like a bitch to Tristan, and Bobby might have his first issue with Danielle. (Or not. I bet there’s no issue whatsoever and it’s just editing trying to make us think there is because that’s the only drama we’ll see with these two.)

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 7

 Episode 7: Wherein Amber has a conniption over not looking enough like Jessica Biel

The married couples are waking up for the first time together in the homes they share. What they choose to do with that is up to them, Rev. Cal notes ominously. Like, uh, thanks, Cal. 

Mia and Tristan are dropping the “L” bomb on each other left and right, but Tristan qualifies to camera that while they’re saying “I love you,” he’s not IN love with Mia. Methinks Mia Stalkerino doesn’t realize there’s a differentiation.

Amber and Dave are having an awkward on-camera breakfast during which they’re rehashing an argument they had the previous night off-camera. A good-natured game of “who’s your celebrity crush?” turned into a thing when Dave revealed his is Jessica Biel and Amber got upset because she looks nothing like Jessica Biel. She explains that she has some insecurities because she’s attracted to him and is worried he’s not as attracted to her. Though Dave indicates that he’s very sexually attracted to her. (Personally, the hair color is something one could get over, but the insecurity, to me, is off-putting.) Dr. Pepper explains to camera that the experiment is set up to put commitment at the front so that these little things like small physical matters that might typically derail a budding relationship won’t be as apt to do so.

Danielle and Bobby have dogs. Bobby has crazy bed head. They’re boring so the camera goes back to Amber and Dave and their strife.

Dr. Pepper has to be called in to help Amber deal with her insecurity. Dr. P is basically like, “Girl, aren’t you two doing it a lot?” and Amber is all, “Yeah…I feel desired, but…” and Dr. P is like, “There’s more about you that matches Dave’s wish-list than the hair that doesn’t, so believe him if he says he’s into you, ‘k?” K. 

Now that *that* trouble is solved, the 3 couples are meeting up for dinner. The ones who actually had a honeymoon arrive first and wonder if Tristan and Mia will show up for this date. They are curious how T&M will act and if they’ll address the arrest situation. Previously, Tristan and Mia told two conflicting stories about what went down to interrupt the honeymoon.

The duo arrives and acts like everything is cool and normal. They oversell their “staycation” in Dallas. Everyone seems uncomfortable by, as Bobby refers to it, “the elephant in the room.” As Tristan and Mia attempt to share a meatball, Dave says what’s on everyone’s mind by broaching the subject of what happened at the airport. Um, wow. That’s bold. Because if you think about it, that’s kind of NONE OF THEIR DAMNED BUSINESS in the scheme of things. Mia and Tristan hedge big-time and fake-laugh it off, and nobody seems at all satisfied with it but they have to move on because to continue to pry would just be beyond.

The meal proceeds as the couples cover all sorts of topics: name changes? (Mia and Danielle took their hubs’ names, but Amber didn’t. Dave tells camera he doesn’t mind. It’s a big decision and they can always do it later if she wants.) Cooking? (Danielle doesn’t. Mia “crockpots.”) There’s a brief break where the couples congregate in like-gendered groupings. While the ladies gush over wedding rings, the men discuss the L-word. Tristan overshares how he and Mia say they love each other but he’s not yet in love and it comes to trust and he’s not there yet. Mia overhears him and seems rather put out that he’s telling their personal beeswax. Then the marrieds return to their seats and Tristan hits the group with, “So, do you guys do sex?” I guess turnaround is fair play and all that. 

Danielle and Bobby won’t answer that question—they want to have that aspect stay private as a couple (which I support. Even though the rest of America knows their business.) Amber haltingly admits she and Dave do it, but refuses to share additional info when Tristan pries further and wants to know if it’s good. (Yeah, he’s def getting them back for their own nosiness!) Tristan then reports that he and Mia do sex, and do it often. Someone else at the table was like, “Good for you…” but in the tone one uses when they’re actually saying, “Gross. Wish I didn’t know that.” Danielle and Bobby admit the dogs sleep with them and they get sympathetic faces, but it sort of seems to move the discussion along. Or maybe that was just the editing.

Anyway, there’s a forced group hug at the end and Tristan states that they’re family. If they are, then he’s Creepy Uncle Tristan. 

Ominous music is playing after the hug as the scene changes and it’s morning in a high-rise. 

Oh, apparently Mia and Jay-T got into a tiff last night because Mia was upset T told Dave about the trust issue. T confesses there’s a cloud over their marriage because of the trust needing to be rebuilt. Boring conversation ensues and they resolve to stick with it and get through it.

Now it’s time for the couples to hang out with family and friends!

Bobby and Danielle have dinner with his family. Bobby’s dad points out that Bobby’s freezer isn’t as moldy as before (but are there still WHOLE FROZEN DUCKS in there, I wonder???) Bobby’s sister asks what Bobby’s fave activity was on the honeymoon. He answers like so: “My favorite…activity… on the honeymoon…was…” and then everyone laughs at his lame sex joke. Bobby’s mom wants to know how Danielle’s commute has been. (Not too bad. But it’s 90 minutes!!!) I want to know how long I have to watch this boring footage before they move to someone else’s trainwreck.

Ooh goodie! Ask and ye shall receive. 

Amber and Dave time! Amber’s best friend, Zachia, and spouse, Jason, come over. Zachia—who dictates what Jason can drink and tells him he’s hit the jackpot being married to her-- is a bit much for Dave. Too bad for Dave that Zachia isn’t going anywhere. She tells camera that she and Amber are in it forever. 

Mia and Tristan are forming a game-plan for dealing with “the situation” with regard to Tristan’s mom. He thinks Mia should talk to his mom directly and explain what happened. Mia says she can’t wait. But that’s obviously bullshit. The thing is, I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m not really down with that. I don’t know that I feel like Mia owes Tristan’s mom an explanation. She’s not married to her mother-in-law. This seems like marital business to me. But Tristan obviously wants to share this part, so after saying how special and worth fighting for Mia is, he breezily and without mincing words informs his mom that Mia lied to him. Mia tries to explain it away saying she was in a heightened sense of paranoia as it was her first run-in with the law. Tristan’s mom tells Mia she was (maybe still is?) a prison guard and Mia should be scared because Momma knows what they do to the “pretty ones.” Oh shit! Then Momma wants to know if Mia has told T everything that will affect HIM. Mia says yeah. Momma says let’s let sleeping dogs lie. (Poor choice of words.) Everyone is comfortable now. Ho hum.

Back to Dave and Amber. Dave’s cooking “turkey mess” for dinner and wants to talk about Zachia and Jason. He admits he was taken aback by Zachia’s ball-busting ways. He adds that it’s not something he’d be cool with for himself in his relationship (aka- don’t treat me like that, Amber!) but if it works for Jason and Zachia, he guesses that’s fine. 

Dave suggests hanging out with his friends next. Amber is nervous and hopes they like her, and worries she might be shy when she first meets them. Dave tries to reassure her that all of his buddies’ wives are awesome people, and Amber says that it sounds great being involved with the wives. But then adds that she has her own friends already so doesn’t feel like she needs other friends. More ominous music plays (this is getting to be a real *thing* this ep, isn't it?) as Dave looks down and they go to commercial. When they return, Dave is upset that she’d say that. He wants her to meet his friends and be friendly with them, too. Amber points out it’s harder combining lives the older one is. 

Weird PET ACCIDENT INTERLUDE. Dogs are peeing all over at Bobby and Danielle’s pad. Bobby is annoyed as he cleans it up. Dave cusses at Paisley the Cat who shredded toilet paper. Dave is leaving that for Amber to clean.

Now Amber and Dave are BBQing with Dave’s friends. He hopes it goes well because he wants to do this a lot. The ice is broken right away when one of the friend’s kids says she has a cat. Amber shows a pic of mischievous Paisley and everyone seems happy.

Dave goes outside to talk to his friend, Kelly. Hot damn! Mystery solved! Kelly (of Kelly and Dabney, ep 2) is the dude! Amber is inside talking to the women and overshares her insecurities about the stupid blond hair business AGAIN while the women nod along, obviously uncomfortable. Dr. Jessica pops on screen to confirm to viewers what we’re all thinking: yeah, Amber’s insecurities tend to get the best of her and if she doesn’t learn to get them in check and stop second-guessing Dave’s attention, it may cause issues down the road. I’ll say. Back from break, Dabney (the lady) and Crystal reassure her. Crystal shares an anecdote about how her husband’s celebrity crush is Halle Berry, and she looks absolutely nothing at all like her. Then she says to Amber “so at least *your* hair is naturally brunette, right?” BURN on Amber’s dark-ass roots! LOLOLOLOLOLOL. 

Back with Mia and Tristan…zzz. Tristan wants to move to Houston to work his business and his family is there. Mia feels overwhelmed. She’s not sold on a move yet and loves Dallas. He says there’s no rush to decide (but I suspect there is.)

Danielle admits she usually looks for things she doesn’t like about guys she dates, but she loves everything about Bobby so far. Bobby gets giddy every time Danielle says nice things about him. They are growing emotionally together every single day. They kiss goodnight. Yes. Sleep seems like a great idea right about now. 

Next week, Amber is going to be insecure some more, and Tristan is going to discover Mia lied about something else. I’ll be sure to spend my days between now and then practicing my shocked face.

* Photo credit for the pictures at the top - Amber's pic was from usweekly's site; Jessica's pic was from google's grab off of celebrity pet worth's site

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 6

Episode 6, y’all. This means it’s time for the couples to get back to life, back to reality. And by “reality,” of course, I mean back to the continental United States and their Dallas home base. (There’s not otherwise much reality to it.) 

This season, Dr. Pepper explains, the show is giving the couples $5000/month (!?!) to help them live  and get their lives started as a couple. This is a new twist. In past seasons, the couples had to have frank conversations about their incomes and decide how much they were comfortable spending on their lodgings and other living expenses. But being given 5k/month? Seems we’re even further from reality than we suspected. 


Dr. Pibb says the couples have to decide if they want to choose one of their own places in which to live or start fresh in a place they choose together. I’ve watched this show for several seasons and only once did the couple opt to live in one of their homes. It didn’t work out; they ended up moving to a different place they chose together. So this feels like another fake-out consideration. Like, of course they’re going to find a fresh place as a couple.

Still, they have to tour their spouse’s home because the show says so. Thus, Dave and Amber start off visiting Dave’s place. He wants to live there because he’s comfortable there. (Wow. What a shocker that Dave wants things to stay the way he’s used to them being. It’s a wonder this dude got married at all.) Amber likes it there and admits it’s a lot nicer than her apartment – it has a hideous black soaking tub and a hallway filled with photos of Dave’s friend-family and even a giant closet filled with shirts for Dave to sweat through whilst dancing – but she also notes that while she’d be okay living there, she worries Dave might get nervous about her putting her own touch on the décor and bringing her cat there, etceteras. I think she makes a valid point. Something tells me Dave would not like her to change the space he so enjoys.

Next up is Mia and Tristan. They’re touring T’s pad. There’s a bottle of champagne in the fridge but not much else. Tristan hopes that Mia likes his $2100/month high-rise apartment space because he really likes it. He enjoys praying out on the balcony. He tells Mia that’s where he prayed for her. I find that an odd thing to say, but she seems touched. 

Mia takes Tristan to her condo. She tries to take him right to her GOD wall hanging in the kitchen but he gets distracted by the bull skull in the entry. He admits he didn’t realize she was such a “die-hard Texan” (in addition to the bull skull, Mia has a Texas-shaped wall-hanging and Texas cut-out cutting board). He’s not digging her style and tells her that if they get a house and it has a man cave and a lady cave, her bull is going in the lady cave. Mia says she owns her condo so it’s more of an investment than a place she has to live (i.e. she can just as easily rent it out) so she says she’d be game to live in Jay T’s high rise. 

Danielle is packing because she pretty much knows her place isn’t going to work for them as a couple. With two dogs and two of them and foster pets, it’s not big enough. Bobby likes Danielle’s place, but admits it’s small.

On the drive to Bobby’s house, Danielle is overthinking the significance of her dog and Bobby’s dog meeting. What if they don’t get along? What if the dog doesn’t mesh with Bobby? You can’t see me but my eyes are rolling something fierce here. Great news: the dogs are sniffing each other’s butts. All is well. 

Danielle is checking out Bobby’s duck freezer. She’s not in love with it but it also doesn’t bother her. It still bothers me. She’s jazzed with the space in Bobby’s home and her dog seems to love it, too. Danielle thinks it makes sense for them to live there because he owns his own house as opposed to her small rental.

How ironic the one season they’re being given money, the couples aren’t all rushing out to buy new places. Curious.

Now it’s time for Amber to show Dave her lodgings. (Don’t ask me why they broke apart the Amber-Dave show & tell when everyone else’s was together.) Amber hopes her cat takes to Dave. They walk in the door and the cat comes right over and lets Dave pet her and rub her belly and she tries playing with him. But guess what? Downer Dave doesn’t like Paisley the Cat because she’s “rambunctious” and he doesn’t want her jumping around and knocking things off counters and scratching his furniture. This dude is annoying. He’s such a stick in the mud. Womp WOMP.

After being horrified at the amount of shoes his bride owns, Dave fake-compliments Amber’s place which he says he “likes more than I thought I would” (that’s big of you, Dave) by saying it would be great for one person but is too small for two of them. He decides they’re not living at Amber’s, but he’s still hoping she wants to move in with him (mainly because it’ll be a lot easier for him not to have to move twice when they inevitably break up.)

Amber has some reservations, though, because she thinks they should start fresh together. Before she can agree to move in there, Amber wants to know if Dave has ever lived there with another woman. She’s very territorial and doesn’t want to think of another woman having made dinner with Dave at his counter or washed dishes in his sink, nor does she want Dave to have memories of having done those things with someone else before her. Dave, in a weird evasive response, asks if he hadlived there with another woman, would that be a problem for her. Yes,  Dave, it would. He makes a face and they cut to commercial. When they return, Dave says he gets that concern and no, he’s never lived with a girlfriend because he’s never wanted to. Shocker.

So there you have it. All three couples are moving in to the dude’s place. Interesting. Unprecedented. 

We’re back to Mia and Tristan. They’re having a convo about their finances. Tristan is wearing bright red socks and I can’t get past them. Red Socks McGhee says he’ll cover rent. Mia says that’s sweet. 

Downer Dave informs Amber that he’s all about budgeting. Amber tells Dave she doesn’t want him to see what she’s spending her money on. He’s not cool with that. She explains that she’s not used to someone watching her spending. She wants to continue buying whatever she feels like buying. Dave wants them to be responsible with their spending and set up a joint account. As he explains to her that they should set aside money for retirement and savings and a travel fund, Amber’s eyes look a bit panicked for a second, but then says she thinks maybe she needs that. 

Cut to Bobby and Danielle. There’s an Excel spreadsheet open and Bobby looks a bit ill as he discovers they’re over-budget for the month. Danielle makes matters worse when she mentions her “necessary” $450/year waxing expenses and, oh yeah, her $15,000 in credit card debt. She says it’s not his responsibility, but he points out that it’s a mutual burden as they’re married. He didn’t travel a lot in his 20s, instead focusing on saving and saving and saving and saving. He didn’t really want to spend his savings on getting someone else out of debt, but he will because they’re a team now. Danielle wants to know how they’re going to allocate their $5000/month from the experts. Bobby thinks the first order of business should be getting out of paying two separate mortgages/rents. But to get out of Danielle’s lease, she’d need to pay $8,000 and she doesn’t want to blow almost all of the experts’ money on that. But it sounds like Bobby thinks it’s for the best. Then he points out it would take her 8 years and three months to pay off her debt if she stopped getting her eyelashes done. She’d rather have her eyebrows done. Priorities.

To me, this entire thing seems like a bold move, considering these MAFS marriages don’t work. If I were Danielle, I’d keep my place for 2 months juuuuuuuust in case. 

Downer Dave doesn’t like moving. (Who does?) It’s made worse because Amber has lost her voice today. Dave makes a few negative comments about the contents of her closet and how he thinks it’s no wonder her finances aren’t in better shape. When he takes a $99 price tag off of a statue of a baby sleeping on an elephant, he says, “A sucker is born every minute.” (This guy is a prince.) 

As Danielle moves in, Bobby is chill with her rearranging his whole house. It looks 1000 times better than it did before. Bobby’s decorating style is horrible. The show barely spends any time on them because, so far, they seem the most likely to succeed and, as such, there’s nothing much to see there. They communicate like a couple who might actually make it. 

In contrast, back at Dave’s, Amber is concerned about “invading Dave’s space.” She says he seems to be “all in” about the joint living, but she’s concerned that she’s taking over half the closet and moving in the cat and all of that. The cat got into his plant and tore up toilet paper in the bathroom and Downer Dave was NOT AMUSED.

Mia and Tristan are doing their move-in. First order of business is hanging up GOD, because of course it is.

Danielle has already taken on a foster and it pees on the dog bed and—you guessed it—Bobby is cool with it. Danielle doesn’t prefer cooking, but Bobby likes it, so he does it. Danielle is pumped that he’s everything she asked for and more. She does the dishes. 

Time for the first night of sleeping in the new places. Requisite tooth-brushing footage. 

Dave wants to test out the gross black tub. Amber says they will at some point. It doesn’t yet feel like her home, but she thinks she’ll get there. She enjoys spending time with Dave and thinks they’ll fall in love. Hopefully he can accept the cat. The camera cuts to Paisley checking out a box, and Dave is all, “What is she doing?” (I don’t think he’s ever gonna accept that cat.)

Danielle clogged the sink. Bobby gets the snake; he’s cool with it. I am not cool with the blue crab boxers he’s wearing. 

T and M are in bed talking about something—honestly, I’ve tuned out because I’m so bored with them—but I hear Mia tell him she loves him. Tristan is touched. I’m not. Because this chick is a liar.

Next week, it’s the friends and family visitations episode. Tristan’s mom is going to grill Mia (has she told him everything that will affect him?) and Amber is going to tell Dave she’s got her own friends and doesn’t need to adopt his. Hahaha. Can’t wait.