Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 5

Lo! Episode 5 is upon us. It’s called Trouble in Paradise. Spoiler alert.

The two honeymooning couples are having a double dinner date. They’re talking about rings and their feelings about marriage. So far Danielle says it has 100% exceeded her expectations. But it’s exceeded Bobby’s 110%. So, like, you know what that means? TROUBLE IN PARADISE. He’s obvs more into this than she is. 

Dave says Amber really makes him laugh hard. Sometimes ather, he adds. Nice, Dave. Really nice. (TROUBLE IN PARADISE????) 

The couples realize anew that none of them have seen Mia and Tristan, and they wonder what’s up and worry something might be wrong. Amber whips out her cell and puts Mia on speakerphone (without telling her all 4 newlyweds are listening in) and grills her about where she is. Mia gives the most glossed-over response in history, so the curious honeymooners are still kind of unsure WTF is happening but they get the sense Mia doesn’t want to talk about it. Amber asks how Tristan is doing and Mia says he’s ok in a tone that sounds less than convincing. After they get off the phone, the couples agree they still have no idea what happened but it sounds like a bummer.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering why Mia and Tristan aren’t flying down to Mexico for an abridged getaway. Oh wait. Likely because she hasn’t *actually* been cleared of all wrongdoing (as she’d claimed last week) and probably isn’t allowed to travel. Or maybe the show was like “Sorry. The tickets don’t have transferrable travel dates.” Either of those sounds equally plausible to me.

So instead, T and M are chilling in Dallas in some honeymoon suite. There’s no private pool like in Cancun, but there’s a soaker tub and stupid matching white terry robes.Tristan comments like they’re gonna get in the tub together, but we know that won’t happen.

Back in Mexico, the other couples are setting off to visit the Mayan ruins. (I’m basically watching my own honeymoon here. We did a resort, though ours was a bit south in Riviera Maya. We did a couples massage. We did a ceynote. We did the ruins; it was the hottest, sweatiest experience of my life. Hopefully for the tv couples, that’s where the similarities end since my husband and I also got food poisoning, sun poisoning, and left 3 days early. Talk about trouble in paradise!) 

On the drive to the ruins, Dave calls Tristan to get more deets about the Mia situation. Tristan shares that Mia had been arrested when boarding the plane. Dave tells camera if it had been Amber arrested right off, he’d have been on the phone with an annulment lawyer stat because that’s just a bit much to deal with to start off a relationship. I can’t say I disagree. He gives Tristan credit for hanging in there. Now they get why Mia was so hedgy last night.

When Dave and Amber tell Danielle and Bobby about Mia’s arrest, Danielle’s jaw drops open and Bobby looks like he’s got thoughts but he’s not voicing them. They all climb to the top of the ruins and then back down. Ho hum.

Later, Amber and Dave have a salsa lesson. Amber is excited. Dave is not into it. He acts like a little baby about it. He barely makes an effort, yet Amber tries giving him credit at first. She’s all, “Even though he’s not the best at it, he’s trying because he knows it’s important to me.” But he’s really not. Trying, I mean. Or being a good sport. He barely moves when instructed. He makes lots of faces. Then he complains that he’s hot. When he first says it, he looks normal enough. Then in the next shot, his shirt is soaked. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. He tells Amber to dance with the instructor. Amber is feeling really uncomfortable. She tries dabbing Dave’s sweat with a towel. He doesn’t appreciate it. The whole situation is awkward to watch. They decide to go have dinner. Hopefully he changes his shirt first. TROUBLE IN PARADISE, y’all!

Back in Dallas, Mia and Tristan are out to dinner. Mia is impressed again with Tristan’s reaction and support in the wake of her arrest. He’s still trying to convince everyone at home that he really likes Mia and can see himself with her forever. Oh, T, you’re in for a world of hurt. Meanwhile, I feel like these two have so little chemistry (in large part because Mia spends more time looking at her arm than at him when she’s talking to him) that the cameras barely spend any time with them. Luckily for us. Since…zzzzzzz…

Moving along, we’ve got Danielle and Bobby in a bubble bath in their bathing suits. I haven’t watched the scene yet (paused so I could take a quiz to see which Game of Thrones character I am. I got Jon Snow) but I bet they’re going to discuss again how their marriage is going nicely so far and how weird it is that stuff happened with M/T and blah blah blah. These two are like wet blankets, too. Seriously, how can all the couples suck so much?

I watched it. Turns out I AM like Jon Snow: I know nothing. 

Danielle and Bobby didn’t say any of that stuff. Instead, they have a sex talk. 

Danielle: What are your thoughts on lingerie? (obvs she wants to wear some for him and is testing the waters) 

Bobby: I like t-shirts. Lingerie feels too fancy and pre-planned. 

Danielle: Yeah, I like scheduling things, but not that. It should happen on its own.

Bobby: Agreed. It’ll happen when it happens.  

Danielle: Feed me a tuxedo strawberry. (nom nom nom)

Then they get a shower together. 

Amber and Dave are eating dinner. Good news: Dave *has* changed his shirt. He talks about how important Amber’s smile is to him. She thinks he’s so cute, too. Cutesy talk. They wonder aloud if they’ve covered most of the “early dates” type topics. Then they decide to tackle the religion conversation. 

Dave considers himself religious—not “super religious” but his faith is “important” to him. Amber considers herself spiritual, but think it’s dangerous to believe there’s only one correct path to God, and that people tend to use their religion as a shield behind which they cast judgment on others. This assessment rankles Dave. He thinks *she* is being judgmental. TROUBLE IN PARADISE! Dave realizes he may have underestimated how important this issue is to him when he talked to the experts. Amber isn’t sure how to handle this disagreement. Dave asks her if it’s something that makes her want to walk away from the relationship. (Dave really wasn’t kidding when he said he typically bails in relationships at the first sign of friction. Sheesh!) It’s not. They’re using that as a positive sign. They have dessert and alls well that ends well.

Now it’s Day 6 of Marriage and the last day of the honeymoons. Thank goodness. This has been so dull so far. Everyone is ready to get back to Dallas, back to “real life” where they can establish a routine at home in the “real world.”

Before flying home, Danielle makes a special announcement that she and Bobby “did it” and adds an awkward TMI that one’s ring size doesn’t correlate with anything else. (If you’ll recall from the ring shopping episode, Bobby has little fingers and some dumb comment was made back then hoping ring size doesn’t reflect dick size.) Frankly, I’m disappointed this came up a second time. I’d rather hoped never to have to think of that again.

While the others are flying home, Mia and Tristan are in their messy-ass hotel room—seriously, the flower petals that looked so romantic strewn about last night now look like trash all over the floor—and Tristan tells camera that last night Mia confessed she wasn’t 100% truthful about some of the details of her arrest. TROUBLE IN…Dallas.

She DID know the accuser and she DID have a brief relationship with him. Well, NO SHIT. (I totes called that in my previous post. Maybe I’m not Jon Snow after all. I do know SOME things!)

Now, even though Tristan “appreciates her honesty” (her pathetically late honesty…), he’s hurt that she waited a week to come clean with him. So now Tristan and Mia have to sit down with the experts who want to find out what the truth is and explore whether the couples wants to keep going with the marriage. 

Mia sits with Dr. Jessica and starts crying in an oddly robotic way. Dr. Jessica is very gentle with her. Dr. Jessica says Mia is embarrassed, has been humiliated, and is terrified, hence the story changing a few times. Dr. Jessica asks Mia if there’s been any sexual intimacy between them. Mia says yes. Interesting. Mia’s dad will not be happy to hear that.

In another room, Rev. Cal sits with Tristan who feels betrayed over the lies. He wonders what else there might be that Mia’s not telling him. He’s concerned there’s yet more to the story and he doesn’t want to keep living in this pain. (Which, of course, means that he’ll definitely stay with her.) Tristan said Mia said she’s falling in love with him. He told her he doeslove her (even though it hasn’t even been a week, and they’d been separated two of those days because she was away from him being arrested), and that’s why he’s stayed around.

Dr. Pepper asks them each if they wanna stay married. They do. Mia cracks some joke about “doing the time” and then, as they’re all chuckling—

Episode over. No warning. Just an abrupt jump to Seven Year Switch which airs afterward. Sooo… just as abruptly, my work here is done. 

Except maybe not as abruptly because I’d be remiss if I didn’t add how BORING this season has been so far, even taking into account this bruhaha with Mia’s arrest. Is it just me? Does anyone else want to quit these Dallas Dullards? Sigh.

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 4

Episode 4 opens up at the airport. Tristan is still confused about what’s happening with Mia. No info is being shared and Tristan has to go back to the hotel and wait. The production team is trying to get info because they don’t know what’s going on either.

Meanwhile, the other couples are in Cancun heading to the El Dorado Royale hotel for their honeymoons. I’m impressed with the individual pool that comes with Amber and Dave’s suite (though I’m not so much jazzed with how close it is in proximity to the next door neighbor’s pool. That’s not very private.) Amber remarks yet again that she wants to make babies. Maybe they’ll do that on this trip. They haven’t had sex yet because they’re waiting until they trust each other 100%. Don’t worry--they both feel like they’re getting there really soon. (And I think their standards for 100% trust might be a little loose. For me, it generally takes longer than 2 days…but maybe I’m too tough.)

Danielle and Bobby get into their private pool right away. Danielle waxes on about how Bobby once got her ibuprofen because she said she needed some. She remarks that nobody has ever done that for her before. That’s so sad. 

Amber and Dave go to the spa. Dave notes that Amber has a “bangin’ bod.” Amber asks Dave where he likes to be touched. They laugh at the suggestive comment, then he answers: his neck. Oh goodie, because that’s where Amber has been touching him. She’s been doing a good job. After their massages, they go in the pool and I notice Amber has some bad sunburn on her neck. Hopefully she doesn’t like to be touched there, too, because OWIE. 

Bobby and Danielle have a three-layered shot in their room and then play with sexy dice. They make out a little. I’m bored. I want a bowl of cereal.

After a commercial break, Dr. Jessica talks about the honeymoon and how it’s so important for building intimacy and whatever. Cut to Amber and Dave in bed. Amber notes that they took advantage of their outdoor shower last night which, honestly, felt like a really rando thing to share, and then she remarks how we could probably tell because her hair was “nasty.” That’s the point at which Dave reaches over and pulls the sheet over Amber’s exposed boob. Ut oh. And then there’s some giggling, and then we find out they had sex last night, as it’s been “building” for a while now.” Amber says it felt more intimate and special than other first-sex experiences she’s had in the past, probably because it was with her husband. Now their marriage is “official.”

Over in Bobby and Danielle’s room, there’s an extreme close-up of Danielle. Her eyelashes are always fully made up. Even first thing in the morning. That’s weird. More kissing. Still no sex. Bobby wants to be her “friend” before he can be her “lover.” (I think he’s lying. I think he wants to be her lover now.) Danielle needs coffee and carbs. Me, too, Danielle. Me, too.

Now we’re back to Tristan. A producer shows up, somber-faced, to tell Tristan what’s what. The producer makes a CYA speech about how they did all the background checks and the charges were only filed the day after their background checks came back. Tristan says he doesn’t blame the show. Producer Eric hands Tristan the envelope with the charges and says the show wants to support him in whatever he decides to do. Tristan should totally cut his losses now. But he’s been such a good sport about EVERYTHING so far – Mia’s weird family, weird Mia – that I kind feel like he’s gonna hang in, if that’s possible. 

The show keeps saying there’s 2 sides to every story and they don’t know Mia’s side. 3 counts of stalking and one of credit card fraud. (I wonder again if Tristan wants to go up to Mia’s family and be all “how do you like me now???”) He says he doesn’t know what to do but he wants to see his wife. Honestly, why? I get wanting to support someone you know and love through a rough patch in life, but this is next-level baggage to take on with/for a stranger. Legally wed or not.

Back in Mexico, Danielle and Bobby are biking. They’re talking about their ideal versions of marriage. Danielle is sick of the 80-20 breakdown of her past relationships where she does the bulk of the work. She wants both spouses to put in the effort. They agree they each want at least 2 kids. Danielle says she wants her kids to grow up with a sibling. She doesn’t want to have a 9 year old and then start all over. Southern Gentleman Bobby says, “I don’t know if you could have a 9 year old and then have another one anyway. You’d be 39…” Danielle is all, “Wow. Is that an age joke? Hmm, yeah, my eggs are gonna dry up at some point.” Bobby tells camera that Danielle is 30 and though she isn’t ready to have kids yet, it’s something they want to do eventually, and so he thinks this is healthy conversation. Riiiiiight. That was a very healthy way to bring up your wife’s age and sound like an ass. Now he tells her how his dad always provided for the fam and his mom stayed home, and he wants to know if Danielle would be willing to stay at home and be “mom.” She’s not down with that. Bobby looks nervous. Danielle wonders if this is gonna be an issue.

In Dallas, Tristan is still mulling things over. The phone rings. It’s Dr. Jessica. Tristan confesses how he’s really struggling right now because he feels like he’s not sure who he even married. (Ooh, ooh! I know this one: It’s a crazy stalker, T.) Dr. Jessica notes that she and the other “experts” spent a lot of time with Mia during the selection process and the behavior in the charges is “incongruent” with the Mia they came to know. (Really? Because I’m not feeling all that shocked, to be honest. But okay.) Producer Eric lets Tristan know the cameras are going to wherever Mia is when she’s released and wants to know if Tristan is going, too. T is all “I know I have God, but this is a serious test of faith…”

At the resort (where at this point poor Tristan may never get to visit), Dave and Amber are playing basketball. Remember on their wedding day when they discovered they go to the same gym? (Turns out they live about a mile apart, by the way. I read some article about that this past week.) Well, Amber notes that she dated a guy from the gym that Dave happens to be friends with. Amber hopes that won’t be an issue and Dave won’t, like, get mad at her about it back in Dallas. Dave admits (to the confessional camera) that he remembers the friend talking about Amber back when they dated, and that had Dave known about this before the marriage, he probably would have quit the experiment. Dave assures Amber he’s not mad at her, but he admits he is disappointed to have to deal with it because he thinks it’s gonna be really weird when they get home and see this ex at the gym. Amber tells him she agrees, but she’s worth it and their relationship is worth it. Dave looks unconvinced. Still, he notes, historically, when he dates people and things pop up that seem problematic, he usually just ends the relationship. But with this marriage, he’s already committed, so now he needs to find a way to work through them. 

Bobby and Danielle are eating dinner on the pier and drinking giant glasses of what looks like chardonnay. I wish I was drinking a giant glass of chardonnay. They rehash their earlier discussion of male/female roles. Bobby says that although he comes from generations of women and men in more traditional gender roles, he knows this is 2018 and he doesn’t expect that from her, so he’s open to whatever she wants to do. Bobby wants her to be his wife forever. Danielle feels like he’s so genuine and doesn’t see how the other shoe could drop. (Sounds like a dare to me, Danielle. Better take cover.) 

Day 4 of marriage! (And time for my cereal snack!)

The two honeymooning couples are meeting up today at a ceynote. Amber thinks Danielle and Bobby look like Barbie and Ken. They kinda do. Bobby thinks Dave and Amber look very comfortable together. It’s because they shagged last night. Everyone wonders where Tristan and Mia are. Obvs the show hasn’t told them anything. That makes me laugh. 

Danielle, it turns out, is terrified of heights. Her legs shake as they walk down rickety stairs to the bottom of the gorge to jump into the water. Bobby is also not a fan of heights but he keeps himself together to try to comfort Danielle. (Point to Bobby on that one.) Amber and Dave jump in immediately and leave the other couple on the stairs deciding how the hell they’re going to get out of there. Danielle, though, seeing the fun Dave and Amber are having, decides to go in the water. She and Bobby join the fun and are happy they did. 

Flash to Dallas. Black info screen is back: “At 10:30PM, after 2 days in custody, Mia was released.”

Mia is in the cab on the way back to the hotel. She says the police deemed this identity theft. She said her car was stolen and whoever took it also used her information to access whatever other charges they did, but the police wouldn’t tell her the other charges because it didn’t end up being her. So she got her stuff and she left. She’s wondering what’s going through Tristan’s head.

The experts call Mia and tell her the charges that Tristan has read and Mia said it’s all 100% false and none of that happened and she’s never heard any of that before and she’s been cleared. The experts are relieved, but warn her Tristan has this report. Rev Cal suggests to Mia that they use this experience as “a great launching pad to transparency.” Mia is concerned Tristan is going to want to give up on their marriage.

I call bullshit on this whole thing. If the ONLY charge was the credit card fraud, fine. I could  maybe swallow the identity theft explanation. But there’s three stalking charges. You mean to tell me that some stranger stole Mia’s vehicle and then stalked Mia’s ex-boyfriend, but the ex-boyfriend didn’t realize it wasn’t actually Mia? What? That’s preposterous, you say? That doesn’t even make sense? You’re right. Ok, so maybe you’re telling me it was a complete coincidence that some stranger stole Mia’s car AND her ex-boyfriend decided to invent false stalking charges. Poor Mia, she just had a really, really bad day. What? Also hard to buy? I agree. Secondly, Mia claiming this is the first she’s hearing these charges? No way, dude. For one thing, she didn’t seem the least bit surprised to hear them when the experts were reading them off to her. She was the picture of calm hearing all these allegedly false charges she’d never heard before. (If she’s not lying, she should go play some poker post-haste!) Moreover, in the two days she was in custody, there’s no effing way she wouldn’t have been presented with the list of charges on a warrant out for her arrest. Ergo, if she’s saying that any of this is “news to” her, she’s full of shit. 

Oh my god. So now Mia shows up at Tristan’s room and she gives him a big hug before they talk at all. She keeps referring to it as a “mistaken of identity” and I want to smack her because THAT’S NOT A THING! 

Anyway, Mia asks Tristan if he has the list of charges (that she knows damn well he has) and he shows them to her. She stares at the paper as though reading through them and Tristan clearly wants to talk about the stalking claims. He’s all, “What’s the deal with this guy?” And Mia repositions her body and looks at the paper really closely and goes, “That name…doesn’t even ring a bell.” Tristan counters with, “So you don’t know who that is?” And Mia stares harder at the paper like oh shit, that dude was totes my ex and I bet at some point a picture of us together might show up so probably I may have overstated things when I said it doesn’t ring a bell. So she says, “Um, I mean, I know OF him, but…” Then Tristan says, “How do you know of him?” Mia hedges, “Like just through mutual friends. It’s a small town.” Tristan smells the stench steaming off of this heap of lies, so he asks, “So why would he go through all this trouble then?” I’m feeling proud of him for not buying Mia’s obvious bullshit. But then—wait! He gives her a pass by saying some of it doesn’t make sense since the report states that Mia ordered him a Christmas gift with his own card. Mia, seizes this opening and giggles as she agrees with him, then says “none of this is true actually, and I think that’s why they just let me go.” 

(Actually, though, they probably let her go because Louisiana didn’t want to extradite her back there. (But guess what? In that case, the charges wouldn’t be dropped. The warrant would still be active. They just don’t feel like coming to get her for this.)) 

TRISTAN ACCEPTS THIS! He says if Mia said it’s not true, then it’s not true, and he doesn’t want to keep talking about it. He’s choosing to believe his stalker wife. Then they go jump on their bed and Mia notes how lucky she is that Tristan is such a sucker. 

And so am I because I keep watching this swill.

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 3

The second episode (which the show is calling the 3^rdepisode and so I will also henceforth call it that to avoid confusion) opens with unnecessary recappage of the previous episode. 

Dave offers to carry Amber across the threshold but she’s all, “No, Dave. I’m a grown-ass woman and I don’t need to participate in that antiquated ritual.” Actually, she just shook her head. 

Mia is still acting weird. Hiding behind a pillow, leaning over as though to protect herself (body language 101). Tristan makes a weird comment like, “Now we just need to memorize each other’s name” and she’s like, “Yeah, because I keep forgetting.” Um, I’m sorry. You keep forgetting his name? I realize you only just met him today, but you married him. If you memorized no other thing today, his name should be that thing. Unless, of course, she keeps calling him Jay because, well, in that case I kinda get it.

Danielle is grooving on Bobby. Such a gentleman. Barf. They re-air the footage of her coming out in her yoga pants and crop top and him looking away nervous-excited like “omigod is this really happening? I’m so luckkkkkyyyyy!” The newlyweds notice the bowl of Magnum condoms on the nightstand and it sounds like Bobby is about to make a joke about how he’s not that big, but then thinks better of it and trails off. Danielle tells Bobby how all his groomsmen told her she’d need to make the first move. (KNEW IT!) 

In another cabin, Dave gives Amber the most amateurishly constructed scrap book of his baby pictures. The sentiment was nice and all, but his scrapbooking technique is embarrassing to behold. 

Tristan offers to sleep on the couch. Mia generously declines.

Everyone goes to bed. 

Now it’s morning. Officially “Day 1” of marriage now. Everyone wakes up fully made up with good hair. 

Danielle is impressed when Bobby walks five feet from the bed and loads up her plate with food that has been left there by the magical Breakfast Fairies. Such a Southern gentleman!

Tristan is admiring Mia’s face and her outfit and everything about her. She giggles but tells the camera something that surprises no one: they didn’t consummate the marriage and she hasn’t even kissed him yet. Gotta hand it to Tristan, though; he manages to stay positive and patient and makes silly jokes and doesn’t make a big deal about going at her pace.

Dave and Amber finally get out of bed. The Breakfast Fairies stopped there, too. Amber likes everything but Dave reveals he’s sort of missing his routine smoothie. So far things are going great and they’re getting along so well and Amber thinks this marriage thing was a good idea. Next they discuss the family brunch and Amber is confused and surprised to hear Dave has invited his groomsman and their families to act as his “family” at the meal. She worries Dave’s real family doesn’t like her and maybe it wasn’t such a great idea getting married to a stranger. Someone needs to tell Amber that she seems insecure and needs to relax a bit. They couldn’t possibly not like her specifically. They don’t even know her. Plus, Dave just said he’s closer to his friends than his family, so if she wants to get nervous, maybe it should be about how little she knows about her spouse and his familial dynamic and less about how people feel about her.

Not gonna lie: kinda feeling really bored so far with this ep. 

Back from commercial and it’s time for the dumb brunch. Because of course it is. 

Dave and Amber’s brunch is held in a terrible location, around a grouping of tiny cocktail tables and everyone has to sit next to each other on this long booth thing. Whose brain buster was that, I wonder? It’s clearly hard to hear over the din and they are shouting to one another. Which makes it even more awkward than it already would be when Amber’s mom starts off the conversation asking if the newlyweds shagged last night. After some sputtering they say no. I’m not sure I buy that, but I don’t blame them for not admitting it in that setting. Amber’s sister wants to know if Dave’s close friendships will influence him a lot in his marriage. He says he’ll do what’s right for him and Amber. 

JayT and Mia’s brunch is in a cabin and the family members are all perched on couches and chairs, even though the food is on the dining room table. (These producers don’t seem to understand how brunch works.) Mia’s family immediately asks what the couple did last night. There’s a stupid back and forth when they say they “just went to bed” and someone corrects “just went to sleep.” I feel like someone needs to tell all these people MIND YOUR OWN DAMNED BUSINESS. Anyway, Tristan asks if the family has any advice for them as newlyweds and Tristan’s mom suggests they ask lots of questions of each other and answer honestly, rather than saying what they think the other person wants to hear. Mia’s dad admits Tristan seems like a good guy, but you have to read past the cover to truly discover the whole story. What a metaphor, daddio. Thanks.

Bobby and Danielle’s brunch setup is a proper one: at a restaurant with diners seated across from one another at an appropriately sized table that holds food and encourages conversation. Said conversation mostly revolves around whether or not Danielle is going to take Bobby’s last name (they haven’t discussed it yet), and, I’m happy to report, doesn’t include any crass questions about whether the couples made use of those Magnums last night. Maybe there IS something to be said about Southern manners.

Dr. Jessica shows up post-brunch and pre-honeymoon for a little counseling sesh. 

She starts with Mia and Tristan. Boring convo. Mia is still uncomfortable. Then Bobby and Danielle. Also snooze-a-rific. Finally, Amber and Dave. Aside from the revelation that they didn’t, in fact, shag last night (Amber noted that she thinks they eventually will, but they wanted to wait until they know each other better and also “can’t take it anymore”), it was just sort of more of the same. In each conversation, Dr. Jessica wanted to hear how they felt when they first saw each other – everyone felt pretty good – and then she advised them all to figure out how their partners like to be loved, and love them in that way. (I.e. Bobby likes communication but Danielle is a bit guarded. She admitted she has been feeling very thankful of how sweet Bobby has been over the past 24 hours, but she hasn’t verbalized it to him. She’ll work on that moving forward.) 

Besides her deep wisdom, Dr. Jessica brings with her the honeymoon baskets. Cancun, Mexico is their destination. Although the honeymoons are for them to experience concentrated newlywed time, all three couples will be there at the same time so they can also have some shared couples experiences and support. 

Bobby is super excited watching Danielle pack lingerie. Dave is less excited to discover Amber is not a light packer. Tristan can’t be feeling much of anything because MIA IS THE COLDEST FISH IN THE SEA.

As they wheel their 27 pieces of luggage out of their room and the show is going to (yet another) commercial, Amber says, “Who knows? Maybe we’ll have a honeymoon baby.” I swear. I watched it twice in case I’d imagined it. I guess she plans on getting to know Dave really fast.

Bobby just said, “Here we are fixin’ to leave the country and I don’t even have your phone number.” What a cowboy. They fix the situation and exchange digits.

Amber is looking forward to drinking a lot on the beach. Dave remarks to camera that Amber is “quirky.” I don’t know how quirky it really is to look forward to drinking on vacation, but probably Dave is just a bit cranky because he’s thinking about the long stretch of breakfast-smoothie routine he’ll be missing while they’re away.

Tristan makes lots of playful comments in the limo. Mia fake-laughs a lot.

Bobby and Danielle and Amber and Dave are in the plane preparing to go to Mexico. Mia and Tristan are presumably also about to board when – Shazam! 

BLACK SCREEN with WORDS.

“At 8:40AM, Mia and Tristan were prevented from boarding their flight. Customs Officials have escorted Mia away for questioning.” 

Tristan is super stressed, alone at an empty baggage carousel thing. 

More WORDS: “Tristan is currently unaware of Mia’s status and location.”

Poor Tristan is freaking out. He can’t talk to her. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He prays for clarity soon.

Then…TO BE CONTINUED.

(Spoilers ahead- stop reading now if you want to wait until next week to find out what’s up with Mia.) 

Honestly, this whole airport questioning debacle would have been a lot more exciting to watch had I not read this article a few days ago that explains how Mia was arrested on several counts of stalking her ex-boyfriend and one of a fraudulent use of an access card. 

I guess when I slammed Mia last week for her concern about the STDs because I was sure the show would’ve tested for all that, I may have given them too much credit. Maybe Mia was all, “If they didn’t unearth my fugitive status, what else are they missing?” 

In any case, I’m curious if this spells the end for this couple (since, like, one of them may be in jail) or what. 

And to think, Mia’s dad was worried Tristan might be the one with the plot twist… 

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 2

The official season opener wastes little time getting down to business. After a brief overview of the “experiment” and its stakes (you know, this is a legally binding marriage, the only way out of it is divorce, yadda yadda…), viewers are introduced to the matched couples dropping the news on friends and family that they’re getting hitched in 2 weeks. 

Independent, established Amber is ready for this, we’re told. She likes her job but is tired of dating the “Dallas douche” and wants to find someone solid. When she video chats with her mom and sister to tell them she’s been matched, they seem happy for her. 

Dave, her intended, is a “perfect” fit for Amber. He’s got a great job, great friends, great home, and likes his routine. He says he eats the same breakfast most days, plays golf and basketball often, cooks healthy meals, watches an hour of television, and then goes to be--………

What? Oh sorry. I fell asleep there just listening to that routine. Anyway, Dave is looking for someone to come home to at the end of the day, maybe cook dinner for, pop open wine, and have a couple shows they watch together. I’m not sure it bodes well for the excitement of newlyweddedness that Dave has basically described Year 13 of a marriage, but whatever. Dave shares his happy news with his close-knit group of friends. The camera cuts to couple Dabney and Kelly, the male of whom indicates he hopes Amber will fit in with their group. I’m desperate for them to cut back to this dude alone so I have a sense of whether he’s Dabney or Kelly. 

Next up is Bobby. I already can’t stand Bobby. It’s visceral. He seems like he paints himself as this Southern gentleman who wants to be devoted to his wife like his dad is to Bobby’s mom, but I feel like there’s a sinister side to him. Some controlling mean streak or something. Maybe it’s the hunting (he hunts anything that flies—how’s that for symbolism?) or maybe it’s the emptiness behind his eyes, or maybe it’s how much he looks like Jared Kuschner, but this dude scares me. I hope to see another side of Bobby moving forward. 

Danielle was selected for Bobby. (Poor Danielle.) She talks about how she was born and raised by a “liberal” family in Seattle, but she moved to Dallas because she didn’t feel like she wasn’t supposed to stay in Seattle and loved the Southern value system. When she calls her parents to tell them she’s engaged, we have a sneaking suspicion they aren't quite so "liberal" as she described and that the value system may not have been the South's only draw. After both of her parents sigh deeply and say a couple unhelpful things, her mom hits her with this: “You moved down there to have your own life. So…” So...YIKES. But then the editors cut to Bobby telling his family and it’s the opposite reaction. His mom cries and says she hopes Bobby can bring in a wife who will also be a daughter to them. I hope for Danielle that’s the case. It looks like she needs it. 

Tristan (or, Jay-T, as I may call him because of his resemblance to Jay-Z) is done with casual dating. Now he wants something permanent. God’s been answering prayers for a while now, he says, so he wants to find the one. As long as she puts God first, and then everything else falls into line, then Amen.

Well, ask and ye shall receive, dude, because Mia is the answer to that prayer. She’s BIG into God. Church on Sundays-, Bible study on Tuesdays-, G-O-D wall hanging next to her Keurig- big into God. She wants “a man who will lead me closer to Christ.” 

Dr. Pepper thinks they’ll love being “Godly people together.”

Tristan’s pals are okay with this concept because his enthusiasm is contagious. Mia’s family, though, is not feeling it. They think this is a big mistake. 

Cut to commercial. Upon returning, the couples are shopping for bridal attire and there's no additional coverage of Mia's disapproving family. 

Nothing really earth-shattering here. Some highlights:

·     Dave’s friend (not Dabney/Kelly- a different dude) has some major pit wetness. 

·     Mia’s mom has come around. Also, Mia’s dress looks like a fancy doily. 

·     Bobby is a momma’s boy; Mom is struggling a bit over a new woman coming in. Uh oh.

·     The peanut-gallery question “what do you think your future husband will think of you in this dress?” is such a stupid throwaway question. It needs to not be asked.  

·     I’m disgusted by the number of times I’ve heard phrases involving women cast as a princess/queen/damsel in distress and men as the prince/king/knight in shining armor. Maybe these unrealistic expectations are part of the reason divorce rates are so high. Hmm?

Now it’s time to ring shop. The show is sticking with the new-last-season concept of meeting up with the other brides/grooms for camaraderie. I think this is a good choice. 

Bobby is waxing poetic about the symbolism of the eternal circle of a ring. He’s won over Jay-T with that drivel. Sorry, Bobby. It’s gonna take more than that to change *my* mind.

The singles go out for drinks together after ring shopping. The women discuss how they’re gonna handle the kiss-at-the-altar business. The men discuss the wedding night. (I feel like someone needs to talk to the editors of this show about the stereotypes and tropes they’re perpetuating.) 

Speaking of… time for bachelor and bachelorette parties. 

One of T’s pals wants to know what happens if his wife turns out to be sex-crazed. In contrast, Mia’s sister wants to know what if they don’t get along, what if he’s a cheater, what if he’s broke? 

Bobby is riding a mechanical bull, and wants his wife to know that he can get loose but is still committed. Danielle, when asked if she’s planning to consummate her marriage, notes that it’s not wrong to do it if you’re married. 

Dave has a low-key but fun night with his closest friends. He hopes Amber is having as good a time as he is. Amber is drunk on tequila, and she’s talking in that slow yet slurred way we talk when we’re trying to sound like we aren’t waste-o but are only fooling ourselves in the process. Then she pukes in a bucket in the limo.

After another commercial break it's WEDDING DAY!!!

Dave notes that he’ll be getting married to a stranger that he doesn’t know at all. Which is sorta the exact definition of a stranger, so he’s being redundo.

Amber, I’m noticing, is talking a lot about babies and starting a family. She just said she can’t wait to meet the man she’s going to have babies with. (She’s kind of oddly epitomizing the obnoxious thing Bobby said about older women in the Matchmaking Special.)

Danielle’s mom showed up. Now Danielle can enjoy herself.

Time for the men to come out and take their places at the altar.

Danielle’s friends remark that they’ll be such a cute couple.

Amber's friend Ashley seems like she might have a crush on Dave.

Tristan is a hugger. Mia’s sister is sweating bullets. 

The editors show all the women freaking out in the back as though a wedding isn’t about to happen. Like, dude, they do this same schtick every season. So save it. We know they’re coming. But still, let’s go to commercial so we can draw out the non-suspense. 

Back from commercial and Mia is still freaking out, but she prays and gets right with herself. Down the aisle she comes and Tristan is “relieved.” They call each other “beautiful.” Then the officiant reads off stuff the friends and family said about their person. Mia and Tristan are pumped to discover God ranks #1 for each of them, and that the Cowboys are their official team. (Booooooooooooooo!) When it’s time to kiss the bride, Mia gives T her cheek. Ouch. T’s uncle doesn’t like that. Mia’s mom and sister both look like they’re about to vom. 

Out of the church and alone together, Mia feels they’ll make cute babies. (You know, if she ever lets him near her.) Mia drops her champagne glass so Tristan gives her his. Then he charms her with a gem his friends asked him: “what if she’s a biscuit off 350?” (He has to explain to her that it's a reference to a 349 pound woman who’s one biscuit away from being 350 pounds.) Um. Yeah. That'll win her over.

Back to Amber and Dave. First impression: Dave thinks she’s beautiful with big eyes, and looks nervous. Amber says she’s not sure he’s someone she’d usually “see” (notice) but he’s attractive. Dave’s pals are all “there’s definitely an attraction! Wooooohooooo!”

I’m a bit concerned Amber might be like the flight attendant a couple seasons back, who was never fully committed to the process and it tanked hard and fast. On the other hand, in the time it took me to type that sentence, she may have come around. They kissed on the lips. Once alone, the couple discovers they live pretty close together and even go to the same gym! But, uh oh, Amber is concerned because she’s dated some “Dallas douches” from there and she would be embarrassed for Dave to know she had dated that type of guy.

Last up, Bobby and Danielle. Bobby’s mom dashes up to tell him to be sure to tell Danielle she looks beautiful when she arrives. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Aw man. That’s a red flag any way you slice it. If he *needs* her to tell him that, then yikes. But that she feels the need to direct his interactions with his bride-to-be is also, well, she could be a mother-in-law problem. 

Bobby thinks she’s gorgeous. He’s “on-board” with her figure. Mom is shooting dagger eyes at her. The ceremony ends with a real kiss. He just said he can’t wait to explore her. LOL. I know what he meant, but it doesn’t make the phrasing less funny.

After the ceremony it’s photo time. Which means kissing shots. Danielle/Bobby and Amber/Dave cooperate. Mia, though, is still not game for kissing. She’s all about the cheek and forehead. Tristan is being respectful about it. Mia tells the camera she doesn’t know what kind of Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B, Mono, or strep throat Tristan has. 

Look, I’m a germaphobe myself, so I can appreciate the concern here in theory. But come on! I feel sort of safe in saying that the show tests contestants for the first two and, doubtless, a gamut of other STDs. Isn’t that reality matchmaking show 101? The show referenced blood tests in the matchmaking special. So I feel like Mia is making excuses here. Which is her prerogative, but don’t act like it’s because you think he’s diseased. Just own that you aren’t comfortable with it and move along.

Speaking of which, Mia is so clearly uncomfortable at the reception that it’s making me feel uncomfortable watching her.

Oh guess what? Bobby’s dad just announced during toasts that Bobby isn’t a momma’s boy. He’s a daddy’s boy. Hmm…I think he’s both.

The couples are talking to the friends and families of their new spouses. Things are going well overall. Except for poor Tristan. 

Wowza. Mia’s sister is being a major bitch to him. He’s trying to be jovial and she’s having none of it. She’s being sarcastic and rolling her eyes, and she threatened to come find him if he hurt Mia. That’s nice and all, but maybe tone it back for the first meeting and give the dude a shot. 

Oof! Things go from bad to worse for T as Mia’s dad corners him and tells him he hopes nothing happens between T and Mia tonight because in his culture “we don’t go to bed with anyone unless we get to know them very well.” 

Now it’s the point of the show where the couples finally retire to their rooms and the big “will they or won’t they?” debate commences. Honestly, I wish we didn’t get to know what they do either way because it’s none of our damned business. But the show shines such a spotlight on it and it’s even the episode’s cliffhanger of sorts. 

After getting to their suite, Tristan talks a good game to camera saying God is real because He delivered Mia to Tristan. He’s attracted to her and he wants them to do what *they* want to do, and he is firmly in the Pro-Doin’It camp. (Someone needs to tell Tristan he’s not getting any tonight. Oh wait. Mia’s dad already did that.) Potential chance they’ll consummate tonight: 0%

Bobby is tickled pink at his wife, Danielle’s, appearance. When she comes out in yoga pants and a crop top, he looks pretty thrilled. The look on his face indicates there’s a good possibility Bobby has never seen a naked woman. Potential chance they’ll consummate tonight: 65-70% (because Bobby will need to make the first move and I’m not sure he will. Danielle has already indicated she’s up for it but will follow his lead.) 

Dave and Amber are making out a lot. They've both flat out said to camera they wanna bang. Potential chance they’ll consummate tonight: 100%

And so ends the first episode. 

As a rule, I don’t watch previews for the season ahead. It spoils too much and makes watching weekly feel redundant, so I can’t comment officially on what’s upcoming. I mean, obviously (because the show rarely strays from its formula) they’ll start with a family brunch, then they’ll head off to their honeymoons, then come home and decide where to live, then check in with friends/family about how it’s going, then encounter some strife, then have some double date nights, then have a second honeymoon, then stress about upcoming Decision Day, and then decide if they'll stay married or get a divorce. 

Then the show moves to Philadelphia and the whole thing will happen again with new couples. Sounds like heaps of fun. So stay tuned!