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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 5: Too Much Boring; Missing Chad Drama

I'm blogging a day late. But luckily, because of the magic of DVR, I can watch tonight. Sitting on my couch whilst holding a cup of coffee (it's too late in the day for coffee but since I didn't get to drink any this morning, I don't even care) and my lovely oldest daughter cuddled up against me for the first couple minutes until my husband makes her come up to bed. Or she gets bored with the show because, let's face it, it's not that entertaining to an 8 year old. At least, I hope it isn't.

As for me--and I can't believe I'm about to write this--I kinda missed the show last week. Yikes. What have I become? I blame Chad. (What? Everyone else blames him for everything. Why can't I?)

Ok, let's get started. (My daughter was called to bed already. The only thing she got to see is me writing seven different versions of the second sentence of this entry and a flash of Chad frozen on screen. It's for the best.)

The episode is beginning with a recap of the Chad situation that was built up and came to a head two weeks back. Including JoJo saying, "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you." Ouch.

So apparently all of this business is taking place in Nemocolin, PA. I had no clue they were in my home state. I thought they were in Tennessee. Oopsies.

The dudes are back at the house having a protein powder funeral for Chad, because that's the kind of losers they have in the house this season. They're throwing the powder about as though it's ashes whilst Chad, unbeknownst to them, is whistling his serial-killer tune walking through the forest back toward them. "Death to tyrants," one of them says. (Pretty sure it was Wells. What kind of name is Wells?) Then there's a cut to Robby who is all, "See ya, never ever ever ever ever again." Uh, Robby, haven't you seen this show before? Even if Chad wasn't stalking through the forest to confront your ass, you'd still see him at the Men-Tell-All show before the finale. Duh. Everyone knows that.

And suddenly, right on cue, Chad's at the house. The dudes seem like they're acting as if they don't know he's been cut. Or something. Jordan is trying to be a peacemaker; he just fake apologized and would like Chad to fake apologize back. Naturally, Chad will not. Dan the Dick, Chad's only "friend", cannot be bothered to stop eating his bowl of soup or cereal or whatever. Nice guy. I used to be friends with people like him. Never ends well, but is no great loss in the scheme of things. Ah well. Live and learn, Chad. Now Evan asks if Chad has his wallet because he still owes Evan a shirt. Dude, Evan, get the eff over it. All Chad will give Evan is a joke about Evan's "dick" job. And--WHOA--a whopping punch in his face. Oh man! Evan is bleeding all over the place. This is BARBARIC. The other guys are just watching and doing nothing. Robby and that All-4-One guy are crying in a corner, they're so scared of Chad.

Oh wait. I just made up that stuff. After the joke about Evan's job, Chad just leaves. Thanks for the tease, ABC, of something *actually* happening, when in fact nothing at all happened. Anti-climax much? (Yes.)

Now there's a cut to JoJo and Alex kissing. Sorry, but I just don't feel like she's that into him. I think she gave Alex the rose to stick it to Chad, not because she really wanted Alex to have it. The one-on-one time they had together is so insignificant that the editors didn't even bother showing any of it. All of Alex's time went to Chad. This is so lame.

Alex just returned from his date. He is the group's hero. They have him up on their shoulders. They're calling him Dragon Slayer. This couldn't be dumber. (You know how I said I missed this show last week? I changed my mind. I UNmiss it now.)

Great news, everyone! Chad is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. He's in the promo. (I'm NOT watching that show. Even I have television standards, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

Oh look, the commercial is over. Looks like JoJo might be doing a rose ceremony or something. Oh, it's a cocktail party. Evan just said he feels like JoJo sending Chad home sends the message she's really in this for real, and that all the remaining guys are in it for the right reasons and there's good energy in the house and whatnot. Uh, Evan? You're an idiot. Chad being gone changes nothing. Except making the show less exciting.

Chase pulls JoJo aside to bounce around in giant bubbles. I wish I was making that up.

Robby thinks his relationship with JoJo is more advanced than other ones. He has her make a wish and alludes to a ring in 6 weeks. JoJo pretends she doesn't know how to toss a penny in a fountain. "Uh, how do I do this exactly?" Maybe she took one to the head whilst bouncing around in balls a few minutes ago.

Dudes are all "uh oh" Robby is kissing JoJo. I don't care.

Side-Profile (Luke) goes over to confer with Shortie (Alex) about whether they should try to seek out time to talk with JoJo at the cocktail party since they both already have roses. Alex was all "screw everyone. I'm getting time." Man code OFF. 

James F reads a poem to JoJo. Alex, mercifully, interrupts. But still gets almost no time. Because he's boring, too.

Luke interrupts Dan (whose "job," I just noticed, is listed as "Canadian." Interesting.)

Oh look. Now the dudes are missing Chad. Especially the huge losers. Before, they had a "common enemy" in him but now they realize he's gone and other guys are suddenly like, oh, now I only have myself to blame for not getting time with JoJo. Perhaps the realization that all the smack talk Chad hurled at them was accurate.

JoJo and Jordan are making out on the other side of a wall from where the guys are sitting. Classy.

Time for roses. There are 8 to give out. Jordan, Luke, and Alex already have one. Evan is "disconcerted" that things seem so cut-throat. I don't know what he thought this experience was going to be. Ah well. His days are numbered anyway. Soon he'll have plenty of time to go shopping to replace his torn shirt.

Derek, Robby, Chase get roses. Wells is asking himself if he's done enough with the time he's had. My vote is no, he hasn't. Unless being a whining baby and leading the protein powder brigade counts as an effective use of one's time. But JoJo disagrees because Wells gets a rose. Ew. As does Grant, Vinny, James Taylor, and Evan. That means James F (the boxer dude) and Dan the Dick have been axed. At least Dan can go back to his hard work as a Canadian. As Dan walks out, he remarks that JoJo is obviously picking men based on personality (he confesses his is shit) and not on looks. According to him, if it was about looks, he'd still be there for sure. First off, no you wouldn't. You aren't attractive. You resemble a rodent. Secondly, I should hope she IS picking based on personality. Sheesh. His parting words were some horrible analogy about shaving his face. Stupid to the end. Well played, Dan.

JoJo announces the remaining men and she are headed to Uruguay. Wow. Pennsylvania AND Uruguay? ABC is really pulling out all the stops this season...

JoJo is walking the beaches. She values trust. Ooh. I love that pensive coffee-drinking-staring-thoughtfully-out-the-hotel-window outfit! White slacks, navy sweater trimmed in orange. Love it!

Jordan just got the first one-on-one in Uruguay. Oh look. The men are totes being bad sports about the dude they view as their number one competition. They remark on his hair flip. Say he's there to get another stamp on his passport. Claim he's not there for the right reasons. Claim they don't trust him. Standard flop for anyone feeling threatened.

While JoJo and Jordan are making out and looking at seals, Vinny the barber gives Alex a trim, and the men read tabloid magazines about JoJo. Ooh. I hope they ask her about the rags! That would go over SO well. She'd love hearing that they put some credence in claims that she was still dating her ex-boyfriend throughout the taping of The Bachelor (Ben's season).

Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex will be going on a group date. But they're all worried about this stupid magazine article they read. Ok, really, WHY would they believe anything they read in one of those magazines? Sigh. Also, how did they even get the article? Isn't that frowned upon? Not allowed? Aren't they supposed to be cut off from the real world? The producers probably gave it to them because there's nothing interesting happening with Chad gone. (Seriously. They probably did. Watch UnReal on Lifetime and you'll see what I mean...)

JoJo apparently talked to a girl who used to date Jordan who told her that Jordan isn't a good boyfriend. She's asking him about it. He looks kinda pissed. He's drinking to stall. He's running his hand through his hair. He's blaming it on sports. She asked him, "Was there cheating?" and he quite quickly said, "No," and then she said, "I wish I could read your mind" and he said, "I'm not really thinking anything." Um, weird. Yet she seems satisfied with his answers. When he told her earlier in the day that he was falling in love with her, it made her heart skip a beat. He has earned a date rose. She is super into him.

JoJo is really happy when she returns to the hotel talking about her date with Jordan that was "pure magic" and says, "I'm so happy. I don't think anything could take away this feeling." The producers are all, "Is that a dare?" and gave her the magazine article. She's crying. She hates her bitter ex-boyfriend. She puts on a big, long sweater-robe and heads up to talk to the guys. She's crying again. She's explaining to them, reassuring them that she's here for the right reasons.

I'm bored. There's still almost an hour left.

EEEEEW. Robby and Jordan are at the spa. They're talking about the JoJo magazine thing again. I really don't want to see their feet as they get pedicures. Jordan is eating the cucumbers from his eyes. What a tool.

While those two get pretty, JoJo channels her inner Mad Max on the desert dunes. Sand surfing. It looks brutal. Evan predicts he's getting another bloody nose today. I would hate this date. I HATE sand.

A date card arrives back at the hotel after the spa day has ended. It would be SO hilarious if it wasn't for Robby. But there's no one else there so of course it's for him. But I wish it wasn't. I don't like Robby. He's, like, greasy. I don't know what other word to use to describe him.

The men from the sand date are chatting with JoJo. Derek is being a whiny baby. I just realized I don't like any of these men. I need to see her with Chase again, because I liked him with her on that one-on-one date, but that was weeks ago and today he did that idiocy with the bubbles, so...

Let's review:

James-- eh. He's a nice guy. I could live with him winning, but he won't.
Evan, Wells, Derek-- whiny babies
Vinny-- don't know him, but has no real chance
Alex--smarmy (but, admittedly, he has a handsome face; he also appears to be growing out some kind of beard and it kinda works on him just as well as the clean-shaven look)
Robby--greasy nerd alert
Me--hungry; would like a snack

Alex doesn't like Derek. He's giving off a "vibe of insecurity"-- YES! Agreed.  Alex is talking to JoJo now, talking about how real this is and how great. But...nope. Her face tells me she's not feeling him at all. Yes, she kissed him but I think it was more to shut him up. 

Oh no. She just gave cry-baby Derek the rose because, as Alex put it, "he's an insecure little bitch."

JoJo and Robby are on a boring date. I don't care about it. There was a dog. Some sandwiches. Some rock climbing. Kisses. Blerg. Her shorty shorts have a very annoying string across the back. Someone needs to cut that off. It's distracting. Robby and JoJo (in matching aqua shoes! Twinsies!) jump off a cliff into the water. They both surfaced, even though I'm drowning in my own drool because I've fallen asleep because NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Robby is telling camera how he loves JoJo (already????) and is pondering whether to tell her. I vote no, Rob. Too soon. I sense he will ignore me.

The men are giving Derek shit about JoJo's wording that she gave him the date rose for "reassurance." Alex has clearly stepped into the alpha role that Chad formerly held. No wonder Alex worked so hard to oust Chad.

This episode sucks. JoJo's date with Robby is brutal to watch. I don't mean to be rude since Robby is sad about the story he's sharing with her (how he lost his BFF in a freak accident last year and now he's all about living life to the fullest because tomorrow isn't sure) but it feels so scripted. He ended up telling her he loves her. He got a rose. There were fireworks (literally--they watched them from the beach). She can see herself falling in love with him. I can see myself up in bed.

Men walking through pouring rain for their cocktail party. The interior of the hotel (or wherever they've set up for tonight's shindig) is lovely.

Derek asks to talk to Alex, Robby, Jordan, and Chase and wants to "slough this negativity off" of him. You know what's good for that? A loofah. Instead, he's using his words. They don't work. The guys still seem pretty negative toward him. The loofah would've been a stronger choice.

Of the people who don't have a rose, I'd like to see Wells, Evan, and Alex gone first. In that order. Like the other guys, I wish Derek didn't have a rose.

Chris Harrison just arrived to deliver fantastic news (fantastic for me because I've just about had it with this episode; quite startling and scary for the dudes): JoJo doesn't want a cocktail party tonight. Eff yeah! AND 3 dudes will be cut tonight. Sweeeeet. Let's move this shiz along, shall we?

I was just going to speculate which three guys I think she'll cut, but I actually think it'll be the 3 I'd like to see go. Vinny and Grant are on borrowed time, too, though. If they make it through tonight, they're the next to go. Aw, Evan wants to be "a frickin' frontrunner." That's LOL-worthy.

Loving the green evening gown JoJo is sporting tonight. She "knows in her gut" the decisions she needs to make. So here's the keepers: Luke (no surprise), Chase, Alex (dammit!), James, and Wells. (WHHHHHHYYYYYY!?)

Oh well. Doesn't matter. Next time, Alex and Wells will go.

Evan is crying. He's worried the store won't have a shirt in his preferred color. Grant "doesn't get it" and thinks JoJo made a big mistake. Vinny is bummed, but he doesn't truly care. Even though he's crying, too. I like his tie. Hmm. Still crying. Perhaps he cares more than I thought. But I predict he'll get over it fast once he's away from the camera.

The previews for the upcoming episodes look eventful. Which probably means they'll be as terribly dull as tonight's episode. Still, JoJo's blue gown next week is stunning. I want it for my very own. In other news, looks like JoJo falls for someone who will hurt her. Poor JoJo. Maybe we should stop watching now. If only...

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 3 Part 2 (Aka Episode 4): There will be blood

Just got back from my daughter's open house at school. I had the brilliant idea that we should walk to the school instead of driving. On the way there, I congratulated myself for a splendid plan. On the way back, I cursed my stupidity.

As I now curse this show.

But let's do this thing. By "this thing" I mean my overview of "the dramatic Bachelorette two night television event."

Chad comes back in from his talk with Chris Harrison. He addresses the group of men in his version of smoothing things over. He basically tells them he's not trying to start shit with them, and everything will be okay as long as they leave him alone. Evan tells Chad that he wants an apology and a new shirt. Chad tells Evan he'll give him 20 bucks. Evan looks affronted. His shirt was obviously $22. Then Wells (sans All-4-One) tries to jump in and explain that the men are scared there will be violence. Chad tells them there will be no attacks, as long as they don't attack him. James Taylor plays peacemaker and the men call it a day.

JoJo arrives for the pool party. Some dork is swimming in a full suit. He thinks he's funny but it's just lame. The men have chicken fights, and do a slightly cool-looking side dive series into the pool. At which point Evan comes up bloodied. You know what this means? It means those bastards edited footage before to make it look like Chad bloodied up Evan, and we've all been made fools of. No matter--the men and JoJo blame Chad anyway for sport.

JoJo and Jordan sneak away. JoJo is nervous because she can see herself falling for him but she's not sure he likes her as much as she likes him. She tells him. He's thrown off. They kiss. Rando hummingbird shot.

Robby sits with JoJo. We don't get the conversation, but he kisses her. He's boring. He has no shot.

JoJo remarks that even Chad seems to be in a good mood and she doesn't see the bad side of him now. She tells him she didn't like how he acted the other night (when he asked her if she was serious about Evan) and he weakly explains his comment. He doesn't understand where he fits in/what he's doing there if JoJo likes someone like Evan. It's like trying to figure out what restaurant she wants to go to, he explains. Does she want steak or ice cream? Two opposite ends of the spectrum.

Evan comes and interrupts. Honestly, I hate Evan. He's such a whiner.

Then they cut to Alex who is also talking crap on Chad. (I also don't like Alex anymore. He's too preoccupied with the Chad situation that it seems like he's losing sight of the JoJo objective.) Then they cut to Derek (hate him now, also) who is telling JoJo about how he changed rooms to get away from Chad and that security is in the house because of "that situation."

Chad overhears and is not happy. He doesn't like that people keep talking about him. He's concerned JoJo is just going to send him home on the say-so of everyone else.

He pulls Derek aside and starts off, "Look, I don't know what guy like me stole your girlfriend or whatever, but it wasn't me, okay? I have no problem with you, I didn't do anything to you..." etc etc. Although it's an egotistical speech, there may be something to what he's saying. Then again, we need to account for the editing of this show. Even if Chad is being painted the villain and they're editing it to make it seem worse than it is, there's still, like, NO ONE in the house who likes him. There's probably something to that, too. Meanwhile, all the guys in the other room move closer to where Derek and Chad are talking so they can eavesdrop.

Derek tells Chad it's just this sort of thing that is causing the issue in the house -- he says that Chad keeps coming at him and other people. Chad says he didn't do that. Derek said a bullshit phrase I hate: "perception is reality." I'm done with this conversation. Evidently, so is Chad who walks away.

After a commercial break (during which time I headed to the kitchen for a bowl of Special K Red Berries with unsweetened vanilla coconut almond milk--mmm), JoJo arrives and it's the rose ceremony. Already. At 24 minutes in. Um, what else does this episode entail? I know James Taylor still has to bleed...but do we need more than 90 minutes for it?

Anyway, the rose ceremony. Before I watch it (I hit pause), I must think this through. What will JoJo do? She could cut Chad loose. After all, lots of the suitors are telling her Chad is trouble. Moreover, she's even witnessed some of his negative behavior herself. In a way, that's uncharacteristic since usually these villainous characters hide their unsavory stuff from the Rose-Giver for a long time. Still, usually the troublemakers hang around until week 5 or 6. And this is only week 3/4 (in one). So based on that, I think she'll keep Chad around for one more week/episode. Let's press play and see if I'm right.

Remember that James Taylor, Chase, and crybaby ED Evan already have roses from their dates.

During this ceremony, JoJo gives roses to: Grant, Derek (boo!), Jordan, Luke the whiner, Robby (still think he's on borrowed time), Wells (ugh), James F, Vinny, Daniel (ew), Alex.

There's only one left. Who will get it??? Santa, Eyebrows, Christian, and Chad are left. And it goes to....Chad. Damn, I'm good.

JoJo tells the guys that they are going to leave the drama behind and leave the mansion. They're going on location to...somewhere. There's clip of JoJo making out with Luke, Jordan, and Robby.

Ah, they arrive at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort. I don't know where that is, but it looks lovely. I realize I could google it, but I don't care enough to bother.

There's a date card. Getting right down to things (thankfully): "Luke, I like you very mush." Luke is looking forward to his "unbelievable day" and he "has butterflies." They're in a dog sled. But it's on wheels because there's no snow. So a dog cart? Those poor dogs. Oh, I just got the mush clue because it's traveling by dog sled. Whatever. That's dumb.

Now Like has to chop some wood for their hot tub. JoJo has him strip down. "He's in impeccable shape," says JoJo. She and Luke are coordinating in their blue bathing suits. When JoJo goes to get into the hot tub, she burns her foot. That seems about right.

After a commercial break, Luke gets into the tub himself and he clearly doesn't find the temperature as obscene as she does. He lifts her in and she still thinks it's too hot. Eventually she gets in with him.

Luke just ended a sentence in "at" and then poured his champagne directly into his gullet. Ugh. Still, JoJo doesn't seem to notice because he's "GQ model" esque. He's rugged. Sexy. Mysterious. JoJo wants to know how he got to be who he is. Luke tells his story in a gravelly voice that makes me want to clear my throat so he will, too. JoJo likes it. I'm not feeling it. It isn't that he doesn't seem genuine--he does--it just felt flat to me. I'm sorry, Luke. I'm not currently Team Luke. Luckily for Luke, JoJo IS Team Luke. They kiss on stage in front of an audience as Dan + Shay sings some song. I don't know this musical act either. This whole date is a snooze for me.

Meanwhile, another date card arrives at the mansion. Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Grant, Evan, Jordan, Robby "We. Could. Go. All. The. Way." The guys going on the date are happy. Alex and Chad are the only two not on the card. The men assume that Alex and Chad will be going on a 2-on-1 date with JoJo, which usually means that one of the two of them won't return from that date. Alex has deemed it a "good versus evil" situation, and is convinced he'll come out on top. Chad is muscular.

The group date is taking place at Heinz Field. Oh great. It's a football date. There's real football people there. I'm not bothering about spelling their names or even caring who they are. I'm already completely disinterested in this date. There's ball throwing. There's hair tossing (by the men). There's running. James Taylor is bleeding from the eye! The medic wants him to get stitches but James doesn't want to leave so he toughs it out.

Back at the mansion, Luke, Alex, and Chad have an awkward exchange. Snooze.

Back on the field, the losers play ball. Evan gets a bloody nose. Again. That's two in one episode. What a tool. And Chad isn't there to blame this time, even in jest.

Some team won. Blue. I believe their team name is Bloody Tools. White is whining in the locker room. They're the Whiny Tools. They go back to the house and cry some more about it. Boo hoo hoo.

The winners go out with JoJo for a cocktail party. JoJo claims today was one of the most fun days she's ever had in her entire life. To me, that's a sad state of affairs.

Robby is chatting with JoJo and they're annoying me. Robby's bedroom voice is also gravelly. He lifts her onto the pool table. JoJo remarks that there's something in Robby that's going to blow her away. Interesting word choice, JoJo.

Now she's kissing Derek. Now she's kissing James Taylor's boo boo. And now his lips. Now she's talking to Jordan about how he's hard to read. She wants him to open up more. Better get on it, Jordan. Glad we had that talk--Jordan listened to me. He tells her that he feels like he's falling for her. Now they're kissing, too. Now she's going to hand out a date rose. I'm gonna guess Robby because of the blowing away bit. Ooh. I was wrong. It was Jordan. Oh who cares?

Date card has arrived. It is, indeed, a double date. Either Alex or Chad will be going home. Luke is trying to play interviewer and it falls flat. "Chad, if you are sent home, why do you think that is?" he asks. Chad does what he does best: starts talking shit and threatens to fight people. Chad offers to fight Alex. Then Grant. Then anyone who has a problem with him. Alex reminds the other guys the bad energy will end the next day.

I'm going to be miffed if we don't get the rose ceremony on this episode. Which means of course this won't be resolved tonight.

Ooh. Chad just told Jordan he will find Jordan at his house after this whole thing ends. You know, to kick Jordan's ass. Sigh. Chad needs to stop trying to fight everyone. He needs to just chill.

Alex finishes putting on his patriotic knee high socks and re-joins the group. The guys are all sitting on the couch and they tell Alex how Chad just threatened Jordan. They all laugh. Then Chad walks in the room, sits on a chair behind them without saying anything, and they all stop talking. It's tres awkward. Wow. Crickets. Tres awkward. Chad's facial expression is chilling. Evan might get a bloody nose if he looks at it...

On the date--they are hiking in the woods!--JoJo tells the camera she feels sick. Me too, JoJo. She says she has felt instant chemistry with Chad and although there's drama with it, there's also a soft side to him that she likes. On the other hand, there's Alex. She likes Alex, but she's not sure if she's ready to take it to the next level. In other words, she doesn't feel anything with Alex.

Basically, if Chad can manage to keep his shit together on this date and not start a fight or get goaded into anything, he has a very real chance of getting this rose.

JoJo steals Alex away for a chat. But not about her relationship with Alex, of course. No, she wants to talk about Chad.

Uh oh. Alex just told JoJo all the whack crap Chad has done, including that recent threat against her boyfriend Jordan. JoJo is now concerned and has to figure out who Chad really is.

She pulls Chad away for some alone time and confronts Chad with what Alex just told her. JoJo is not happy with Chad's (lame) responses. She's going off alone to "think." Methinks Chad has run out of chances. I don't see her letting it go. Oh wait. She's trying to talk herself into keeping him, using the fact that his mom died 6 months ago to excuse some of his outbursts. No, no JoJo. Don't do that. You'll kick yourself later.

Meanwhile, while JoJo is working to convince herself that Chad is a wounded bird, he's approaching Alex menacingly, whistling a scary Mockingjay-esque whistle after having just told the camera, "I asked Alex to stop talking about me, to just leave me out of it. But he didn't listen. So now there's only one thing to do..." Fade to black. Ten mins left of this epi. Will a decision get made? Will Chad attack Alex?

Chad joins Alex back on the blanket. Alex and Chad sit in silence. Chad breaks the silence to tell Alex he isn't very happy with Alex. "I'm not mad," he says, "I'm just disappointed." There's a weird gleam in his eye, as though he just made a joke. Alex is stoic. Then Chad adds how he'd like to hurt Alex. Alex tells Chad all the reasons he finds Chad terrible, and Chad attempts once more to say people have misjudged him and have attacked him, etc.

JoJo interrupts. She picks up the rose. She asks Chad point-blank if he threatened people in the house. He tries to hedge. "I mean, like, I may have said stuff that wasn't a good idea..." Alex contradicts Chad, setting the record straight about what, exactly, Chad said. Chad claims he only said that stuff in defense because they pushed him. JoJo is done with this shiznaz. Basically, she tells him she doesn't believe he is who he's been with her, and she has no room for a person who solves issues through violence and threats. Then she gives the rose to Alex and they get outta there fast while Chad stands pacing and looking flummoxed.

The producer person goes back to the resort to fetch Chad's bag to banish him. The dudes in the house are doing shots. Chad is still walking through the woods whistling like a psycho.

There's a scene of JoJo and Alex cuddling by a fire, interspersed with flashes to Chad roaming the now-darkening forest still whistling and finally arriving to a door. He knocks and it turns out he's made his way back to the resort where his non-friends and now-former competitors are staying. They look terrified at the prospect of him being there. He claws at the door.

And then the scenes from the next show--two weeks hence--show JoJo crying, sobbing how she "hates him" (the him in question is not divulged at this time); Chad pointing his finger at Jordan; a confrontation at the resort; JoJo being comforted by someone and not wanting any of the guys to leave and saying they need to know what's going on...or some such. It sounds scary.

I know they're big on the false editing (all the blood from tonight's episode is proof enough of that), but who knows? Maybe the guys weren't being babies before. Maybe Chad really IS that crazy. I guess we'll see. Until then...

Monday, June 6, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 3, Part 1 -- Everyone really REALLY hates Chad

I'm about to start watching the third episode of Season JoJo. I'll admit I'm kinda pissed that this week the network is subjecting us to not one, but two 2-hour episodes. It's simply more Bachelorette than anyone needs in a given week.

The DVR episode summary reads: One lucky bachelor enjoys a day of hot yoga with JoJo and a private performance from country star Charles Kelley. Also: one suitor creates chaos when he announces he doesn't want to go on the group date; 12 guys visit an LA theater where they are required to share stories about their sex lives in front of a live audience; and JoJo takes one bachelor swing dancing and to Lover's Lane.

Pre-show thoughts: Hot yoga? Sounds more like a punishment than a reward. I don't know who Charles Kelley is. I'm sure it's Chad who creates chaos (although I must say, I hope he actually refuses to go on the group date instead of just complaining about it. I'd love to see how that would go over!) Sharing stories about their sex lives? Keepin' it classy, ABC.

Ok. Let's do this. (I went ahead and passed by all the preview shite. Ain't nobody got time for that.)

They're in the mansion and... there's a literal snore-fest to start off. Foreshadowing much?

The house is a pigsty. There's plates of meat everywhere. Someone is remarking that the mess of the place parallels how Chad is still around when so many other, better guys got sent home. Evan makes a funny and says Chad has two sides of him: a douche and an asshole. Ah, feeling the love.

Chris Harrison has arrived to explain that there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date this week. Chris looks nice in blue. He should wear it more often. Too bad his looking good doesn't make him any more relevant or necessary to the show. Oh wait-- they just cut to him cleaning up toilet paper. Janitorial services are part of the contract.

Chase gets the first one-on-one. I'm having trouble figuring out who Chase it. Oh, Chase is one of the dudes who didn't have a date last week. He and JoJo are doing hot yoga. Chase hopes he's wearing enough deodorant. The struggle is real.

The yoga instructor is telling them their yogic experience is going to be intimate and asks how long they've been intimate. There's some awkward giggles since they've only known each other a week. This is starting off so well. And it just keeps getting better since now the yoga instructor is showing them how to "anger-gasm." (I'm not making this up. That's legit what she just called it. On national television.) First, they grunt "hey hey hey hey" whilst thrusting their pelvic areas. Then they have a mini tantrum on the floor. Yeah. Wow. Another classic Bachelorette date for the books.

They cut back to the mansion where Chad and Dan are working out looking like even bigger tools than the anger-gasmers.

JoJo said she wants to die of embarrassment. Me, too, JoJo. This whole thing is incredibly embarrassing to witness.

Now the yoga instructor has brought in a partner to demonstrate the next move. They're doing this super intimate yoga pose (called Yab Yum or some shit) wherein JoJo is straddling Chase. Intense gazes, very close bodies. The way he's looking at her is sort of hot, I'm not gonna lie. He definitely looks like he wants to kiss her. Aaaaand-- ooh! Called that one! They're kissing. I support that kiss. In fact, I would rate that the best kiss I've watched on the program so far. It looked the most natural and intimate and heart-felt. So much so I had to look away to give them some privacy. When I glanced back, I found I wasn't the only one...the yoga instructors disappeared, too.

After showering (I hope!) JoJo and Chase have dinner and enjoy a nice getting-to-know-you conversation about Chase's parents' history and what he's looking for in life and a life partner. He wants to find the right person and be all one-and-done. JoJo likes what he's saying. She feels a connection, sees a potential future. Chase, my friend, I'm rooting for you. You've impressed me, too. Not surprisingly, she grants him the date rose and they enjoy a private concert given by the country singer I don't know.

Back at the mansion, the next date card arrives. Eyebrows reads off the names. It's pretty much everyone in the room. Specifically, Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali (Eyebrows), Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad -- "Love has no secrets" it says. Especially not on this show, amiright?

Robby laments, wishing his name was on that date card. Chad counters saying he doesn't want to go on a group date. The men are all over that. Jordan tells him that's pretty much what this competition is. Other guys tell him it's disrespectful to say that stuff. When Evan offers to get a Sharpie to cross off Chad's name, Chad basically tells him to shut up.

Someone tries to diffuse the awkwardness by saying that if they have to be a team on this date, they will need to work together. Jordan makes a crack insinuating that Chad is stupid. Homey don't play that and shit gets intense kind of fast. Chad lobs one at Jordan: "You're a 27 year old failed football player." He tells him the only thing he's ever done is hurl around some leather. Alex, who hates Chad, says something (I don't recall his wording, but it was another Chad insult) so Chad lobs one at Alex whom he calls a "25 year old asshole" and tells him he'll need more tattoos to look tough. Then Chad tries to stare down Alex who appears completely unfazed, even as Chad asks if anyone wants to "go."

As if on cue, my husband breaks the tension by texting at this moment to ask if I want something from Starbucks. As a matter of fact, yes. I am trying the new vanilla sweet cream cold brew. Stay tuned.

Fresh back from commercial break. In the limos on the way to the group date, Chad is still bitching about how there's "too many dudes" and Alex is still saying how Chad is a douche. They're not in the same limo, and Alex's limo is plotting how they want to bring something up to set off Chad so he'll show his "true colors" to JoJo. Yeah. That sounds like it's going to go well... oy.

Ok, so the limo pulls up to this theater. JoJo doesn't tell them what sort of show they're going to see. It's a lady having (faking? really not sure.) an orgasm. The men look uncomfortable. Chad rolls his eyes in a manner that pretty much sums up how not into this whole scene he is. Jordan looks like this may be the first O he's ever witnessed. Some other guys just don't know what to make of it. Honestly, it's terrible.

Side note: I think Ali may have trimmed up his eyebrows a bit. Just in the middle. They seem slightly less outta control than before.

The guys find out that they're about to go on stage and share their own "crazy sex stories." James F (I think?) talks to camera and tells his mom to turn off the TV and never turn it back on. I kinda wish I could follow the same directions.

My husband has returned bearing my drink. It is DELICIOUS. Sadly, I got a grande and slurped it down and now I'm without it as I suffer through this ridiculousness. This spectacle is one of the things I hate about the show. It's like making women prance around in bikinis. The men need to talk about their sexual past on stage to strangers? NO. I would never do that, and I would never ask someone to do it. I would refuse to be part of the whole thing. They don't even know JoJo yet. And yet they're expected to share private details about their sex lives with not only her but a national audience? No way. No. Way.

What's this? Now Chad is saying the same thing. He just said sex is something you keep to yourself. JoJo hasn't earned that yet (getting to know his sexual history, etc). His life is his business. Wow. My feelings for Chad are complex. I am very turned off by his overall attitude and behavior. However, he says SO MANY THINGS I agree with, at least inasmuch as the show is concerned. I'm torn.

You know what? I'm not going to watch that part. On principle. I'm fast-forwarding through it. I can see JoJo is laughing. Someone is sticking out his tongue as though simulating...licking something... someone took off some clothes. Yeah, no.

Now Evan is up. I'm going to watch his because he was plotting beforehand, saying how he was going to goad Chad into reacting in the audience. Alex is salivating as Evan starts out. Evan is talking about the dangers of steroid use and 'roid rage. Chad's temple is throbbing. People are looking around to see how Chad is reacting. When Evan came back to sit down in the audience, Chad pulled Evan's shirt. Pretty sure it ripped. JoJo is quite turned off by the violence she witnessed.

Now it's Chad's turn. He brings JoJo up on stage and says today isn't about the past, it's about the future. Then he leans in for a kiss. JoJo gave him her cheek. Yikes. Alex yells "crash and burn, dude!" Chad does a mic drop. JoJo is disappointed he's not saying more. I have respect for him that he didn't tell a crazy sex story, but he shouldn't have grabbed Evan's shirt right before he went up on stage.

After the show, Chad goes in the back, punches a wall, then threatens to kill Evan ("you're gonna die, dude"). Dan--Chad's best friend in the house!-- tells Chad to calm down and that it was in good fun.

Here's some thoughts. First off, I've lost major respect for Alex. I know that Chad is an ass and bringing down an ass can feel good, but he's lowering himself to Chad's level and that's no good. Secondly, Evan was all, "It's all in fun. I was doing comedy!" but he's full of shit, too. He set out to goad and enrage Chad. He didn't do it all in fun. I'm not saying Chad didn't have it coming to him (he's been an asshat to the other guys and was playing games with them, too, all last week and ongoing), but I am saying don't be a liar, ED Evan. Finally, Chad needs to get himself under control or he's going home. Or to jail.

The mood around the round-table (with JoJo) after the event is awkward. JoJo has her one-on-one conversations with the guys.

Starts with Jordan. He just said "where I'm at." Ugh. That is my number one language pet peeve. The word AT is completely unnecessary in that sentence. Just leave it off. Please, for the love of god, stop ending sentences with the word AT. It needs to STOP.

Just like the montage of these conversations. Sigh.

Chad just went to interrupt a conversation but JoJo was having NONE OF IT. But Chad didn't really go far away. So JoJo and whatever unimportant dude with whom she was conversing had to leave the area. Chad returns to the other guys, and Vinny is trying to chat him up. Chad is telling his version of events as to what happened earlier (according to Chad, he tried to tell Evan to let him get out before Evan sat down, but Evan barrelled right past him which is why Chad grabbed Evan's shirt. Also, Chad doesn't care that Evan made those steroid jokes. Also, Chad only retaliates; he doesn't start shit. He doesn't want to come off like a jerk.) The other guys don't seem to buy his story. Now Evan is trying to confront Chad. Chad is telling Evan that he's trying to bully Chad. Evan seems incredulous. A fly zips into Evan's open mouth. (I wish.)

The thing is, I partially see Chad's point. These guys DO seem to have latched on to him as the villain. Again, that's not to say he isn't a dick and the other guys are reacting to HIS behavior, but this show operates so much on the way the material is edited, that to not consider the flip side of this would be foolish.

The last one-on-one date card arrives at the house. Luke just said he's going to cry in a corner if he doesn't get the date. Well, Lukie, better get some tissues because JoJo picked James Taylor for it.

Chad does voice-overs as every guy continues to sit down with JoJo. Now it's his turn. He doesn't have a way with words. He just gave an analogy that Evan tried to bully the bully. JoJo was all, "Don't be a bully!" haha. Oh, Chad. Go eat a ham roll or something, buddy. JoJo tells Chad she's confused about him, that she's seen lots of sides to him. Now Evan just interrupted the Chad convo, making Chad pissed and JoJo...relieved?

Now ED Evan is telling JoJo that he won't stay if Chad stays. Ooh. Ultimatum time. Bold move, fella. JoJo isn't loving the situation.

I don't see JoJo sending Chad home just because Evan said that. The guys, however, are positively tickled at the prospect.

JoJo pulls Evan aside and gives him the date rose. But I feel like what she said to him was not a commitment to dump Chad so much as it was her saying she'd like Evan to stay. When Evan and JoJo re-join the group, Chad looks completely flummoxed. Oh SHIIIIIIIT. Chad is making faces while JoJo is talking about how she gave Evan the rose and how it's always a hard decision to pick someone. JoJo calls Chad out. He's all, "Is this for real right now? Are you vibing on this guy?" JoJo is pissed, telling him he's being rude and she doesn't like this side of him. The other guys are LOVING it. Chad is due for an angergasm, yo. What a damned train wreck this day is for Chad. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.

Now Derek is scared to sleep next to Chad. The house is talking about Chad and his aggression. Security is watching over Chad in the bedroom. Oh COME ON. They are laying it on pretty thick up in here.

Time for the last one-on-one. JoJo and James Taylor are dressed like 50s folk. I'm not digging JoJo's bangs swoosh, but I love her polka dot dress. J&J are going to dance. Honestly, I give no shits about this part. I just can't even. James has a nice smile, I see as I fast forward through this part.

Security is milling around. Chad is eating again. He thinks the guys are being "wussies." (They kind of are, honestly. This is SO sensationalized!) Dan is trying to advise his buddy to keep a cool head. Dan is a waste of space.

That anti-Pat Toomey cat commercial is on again. The kitty scratching her little kitty friend's back is so cute!

The show is back. Security is still around. Chad is eating again. A whole yam this time. Ew. There's not even honey butter and cinnamon sugar on it. Blech. Dan is telling Chad people think Chad is a loose canon. Dan, ever the wordsmith, says, "Let's pretend your Hitler." Chad is all, "Let's not pretend I'm Hitler." So Dan is like, "Ok, not Hilter. But, like, Donald Trump." His horrible, inarticulate point is that when he, Dan, hangs out with and talks to Big Bad Chad, it drags Dan down. Dan sums up, "So be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini is what I'm saying." Hot damn! This is gold! Meanwhile, Chad is just staring at Dan as though trying to process the stupid. Then he chomps down on a heart of romaine lettuce, raw and undressed.

Arrrrgghhhhhh! JoJo just said to James, "Can we just take a moment and look at where we're at?" NOOOOOOOO. How about you just take a moment and look at where you are. STOP THERE.

James and JoJo are having a heart to heart, reliving their date. La la la. JoJo likes him and finds him amazing B-U-T...she's not sure there is a romantic connection. Aka, she's not attracted to him. Still, JoJo tells James how he's so great. James tells her he's not perfect. He confesses that he has an inferiority complex when it comes to his looks. (Some guys made fun of him when he was a kid.) I'm not gonna lie-- he's getting to me with this story. This poor guy. He seems super sweet. She just gave him a rose. Too bad he's playing another song. That's getting old.

But otherwise? This guy is the real deal. She needs to consider him seriously.

So I don't think there is going to be a rose ceremony in this episode. Which means they're going to draw this shit out for two more hours tomorrow??? What could they possibly do for two hours tomorrow if all the dates happened today?

Oh wait. Chris Harrison is back. In pink this time. Not as good a look for him, gotta say. But he's come to answer my question. He tells the men there's no cocktail party tonight. But JoJo wants to have an all-day pool party. So I guess the all-day pool party will suck two hours of my life away tomorrow night. Thanks JoJo and ABC.

The guys' reaction? "JoJo in a bikini?! Yay!!!!"  Except Chad. He doesn't want to see JoJo in a bikini because that means everyone else will see her in one. He can imagine what she looks like in a bathing suit by looking at her in her clothes. He wants to save the image.

Chris Harrison walks out. But Evan follows. Wherever can he be going and to what end? 

ED Evan is tattling on Chad to Chris. Wow. I don't like Chad. But Evan is being SUCH a baby. Here's the thing, ED: You already gave your ultimatum to JoJo. She gave you the rose. She's about to come spend the day with the group so she'll be around to keep Chad in check or to witness him doing something that'll get him sent home. Either way, you have to co-exist with this guy for another 12 hours or something. So just deal with it. If she ends up keeping Chad after that, then maybe you need to re-assess, but let's get through the rose ceremony first. But no. That's not good enough. Whining to JoJo (after YOU started shit with your "jokes" against Chad at the stand-up thing) wasn't good enough. The security guards aren't good enough. Now Chris Harrison has to be brought in? I'm sorry. But Evan, you are flaccid, brother. 

It's a sad day when I feel forced to defend Chad, but this is ridonk.

Now Chris has returned from the tattle sesh with Evan and Chad gets called to the principal's office. This is so lame. Chris tells Chad he, Chris Harrison, has to draw the line somewhere. That somewhere is violence. He's not sending Chad home, but instructs him to go settle it with Evan "in a way that will be well-received."

So of course Chad's reaction is to walk away and say to camera how he wants to kill everyone and scatter body parts all around. I'm not 100% fluent in Chris Harrison's language, but I'm pretty sure that's not what he had in mind. Oh man. There's a shit storm a-brewin', people.

But we'll have to wait until tomorrow for the carnage. The preview showed lots of blood (Evan had a bloody face; possibly James Taylor, too, surprisingly) and JoJo looking and sounding distraught.

I'm distraught that I'm still watching this. Hopefully I can wrangle another one of those Starbucks beverages for my viewing party. Next time I'll request a Venti.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 2: Everyone Hates Chad

Ok, so I'm watching again. Mainly because several friends commented how my post amused them. I thought it might be ideal if I just watched it live, starting at 8 and working through the breaks so it only took me 2 hours tops to do the whole shebang and I could get to bed by 10 or 11. However, we did a lot of stuff around the house today so I was still running around and showering and getting ready for bed, and now the damned show is almost over. Thank goodness for DVR.

My first order of business is to fast-forward through the recap/preview section. I don't need a preview of what I'm about to see. That's a waste of my time, yo. Just start the damned show.

Ah, leading off with ocean water and a JoJo pensive shot. She looks pretty in pink. (Also the name of a fun 80s movie I used to enjoy).

Aw, Luke of the good profile but poor frontal looker already "got butterflies" last week from JoJo. Good for you, Luke.

Now the guys are toasting in the kitchen. Robby is wearing a weird plaid flannel shirt and a wife-beater (that's a terrible name for a ribbed white tank top undershirt, isn't it?) Still, it's not a look I enjoy. He should rethink that. Who just made that toast? ha. The guys didn't love it. But I thought it was about par for the course. Something about happy life and eff you guys she'll be my wife. Or some such. 

First date card. "Let's heat things up." Here we go with the stupid cryptic message. Oh look. The limo is on fire. Literally. It's blowing up. What's the matter, ABC? All the helicopters rented out for today? Maybe later. JoJo just arrived in a fire truck. Now she's pointing a hose and extinguishing the fire. In her tank top and fire pants. Shaking my head.

Chad thinks that the group going on the date now are the B-team. Of course he does. Naturally he thinks he's on the A team.

Someone is loading a suitcase with a bunch of stuff...oh wait. It's Chad. Doing pull ups with his suitcase strapped to his weight belt. Wow. Chad is SUCH a tool.

Back to the date... they're at fire school. Did she bring the firefighter dude? I'm pretty sure he's there. Why aren't they calling attention to that? Who's on the date? Eyebrows, Wells (where's your little All-4-One group now, fella?), plaid-shirt (Robby), Luke, Dan the Dick-- as I'm typing that, he made a dick joke! The last time he pulled a hose like that he was home at his cricket. What a classy guy. Yes--Grant the fire guy is there.

Wells is getting sent for water (to drink it-- he's looking pale.) Now he's laying down. He can't do it. The other dudes are regretting not fainting themselves.

Meanwhile, back at the house...dudes are singing. Chad is not partaking. He appears to be eating steak. What a manly man he must be. First pull ups with a suitcase strapped to him; now meat? Yes. He's so masculine. He's telling the guys that it's weird that they're singing a song about a girl they just met yesterday. While I don't like Chad (like, AT ALL), he has a point there. On the other hand, the purpose of them being on the show is, presumably, to fall in love with her. So embracing the process isn't entirely ridiculous. 

They are back on this stupid group date shenanigans again. They're competing. Luke and Grant are neck and neck. Oh--shocker. Grant won. Well, honestly, that seems like he had a bit of an advantage, huh? He does this for a living, ok?

Ho hum. What a flippin' snooooooze fest. 

JoJo and Grant are having a private chat in eye sight of the rest of the dudes on the group date. Grant is waxing poetic about helping people. Luke, the runner-up, is complaining to camera about how hard it is to have tried so hard to win but to have been bested by Grant. Waa. Grant just told JoJo that he'd kiss her every day before he left for work because there's always a chance he could die out there in his line of work. That Grant sure does know how to kill a mood. I'm surprised he isn't again bringing up how Ben dumped her last season.

She's kissing Grant. Ew. That's lots of kissing. But JoJo likes selfless characters. Sorry, but I'm not a fan of Grant.

Back at the mansion...another date card is arriving. The bachelors are speculating over whether it will be another group date or a one-on-one. Hipster goes to fetch it. Chase wants to go on a date. Too bad for Chase. It's a one-on-one for Derek (aka- John Krasinski). Ex-footballer Jordan tells Derek to stop smiling.

Back on the date...JoJo is taking time with Wells. He's being self-deprecating. She's boosting his ego. He brought photos. Of his bloodhound. Wow. These guys sure know how to woo a girl.

Montage of JoJo talking to a bunch of guys while Luke does the voice-over whine about how he hasn't gotten his time yet. Luke, buddy, you're getting annoying. Luke says he's really starting to feel a connection to JoJo, but I'm wondering how could he have developed these feelings. When was he even with her?

Oh yay. Finally he's getting his time with her. He can shut up now. She wants to know about his past. Military. West Point. Failed relationships. They finish the convo and move somewhere more private. He obviously wants to make out, annnnnd.... he's getting his wish. She seems like she's feeling that smooch sesh.

Luke-kiss-fest now over and it's time to hand out the date rose. Which she gave to Wells. Luke is, not surprisingly, displeased.

Now ABC is bothering us with another idiotic preview of shit we're about to see in the next hour or whatever. PLEASE STOP THIS. Everyone knows there's no need for this show to be 2 hours in length. None at all. It could easily be trimmed to an hour. 90-minutes MAX. Yet they waste all this time with this sort of BS and it's maddening. I just fast-forwarded the last quarter of the endless tease, but not before I saw that Chad the Man--cue chest-beating and Tim the Toolman Taylor grunts-- is going to act like a jerk on the group date. Oh Chad.

Derek is getting ready for his date. He's packing. Because that's a romantic way to prep for a date. I've never seen an early one-on-one ever result in a person being sent home, however, so I think this process is quite for show. Like, you know, the whole show.

Wow. He really REALLY looks like Marcus and John Krasinski had a baby that is HIM.

The date is name-your-own-adventure-esque. The first choice is sky or sea. They chose sky. Wow. The show shocked me just there--they're on a jet and not a helicopter. Ah well, the season is young. Second choice: North or South? North. They just arrived at San Francisco. Choice 3: Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street. They picked the bridge. When I was in San Fran, the fog was so dense when we were on the bridge. After we left the city and drove north toward wine country the sky cleared. Ah, memories. Much better thinking of that than paying attention to this boring-ass date. Kiss or no kiss, JoJo says...kiss. Derek feels fireworks. I feel sleepy.

Back at the house, the guys are singing the JoJo song again. Though there's not much to it-- it's a lot of JoJoJoJoJo (did that Santa character write the lyrics, I wonder???)--it's sounding more polished. I wonder if they're going to sing it TO her at some juncture. Wait and see, friends.

Dan the Dick and Chad are having a heart to heart in the other room. These two WOULD be "friends."  Dan thinks the guys aren't being themselves. Chad agrees. Chad warns girls to "stay away from the nice guys"--um...  His point is that these guys are fake and only pretending to be nice. But he just acts like himself the whole time and actually IS nice. Dear Chad: You don't seem all that nice. Love, Natalie

Oh my god! I just had to pause it and rewind because Chad just told Dan that if they made a protein shake out of "all the dudes" in the house, half of the dude protein shake would have zero chance. Wow. That's just...that's an ANALOGY FAIL. Meanwhile, Chad and Dan like each other. They're the only ones...

There was just a Pat Toomey commercial speeding by as I fast-forwarded through the commercials. The ad (which I believe was anti-Toomey) featured two kittens, one of which seeming to give the other a back rub. Ha! That's more entertaining than this episode so far.

Back to the show. Another date card. "Prove your love to me and the nation." Three guys didn't get a date this week. They are bummed. Chad is not sympathetic. He was all, "you've gone your whole life not seeing JoJo, you can wait another few days or week or whatever to see her. She's not going anywhere." Well, you know, again, he *does* have a point there. But still... hahaha.

JoJo is having a private chat with Derek on their date. She asked about his past relationship. Now he's telling her about his past and how after his last relationship ended, he'd sort of shut himself off. JoJo shares her past with Ben. JoJo thinks they've bonded with that conversation. She is giving him the date rose and another kiss. Requisite silouette-in-front-of-fountain kiss.

Holy moses! This episode isn't even half over!

Group date is at ESPN. Alex said Chad is toxic.

JoJo is doing a spot on the Sports Nation show. Now she's giving hugs. JoJo said she loves sports and grew up watching ESPN. As it were, I hate sports and ESPN. Also? Wait'll these dudes meet JoJo's NUTSO brothers who are IN LOVE with her. (Like, in a romantic sense. Seriously.)

The men will be playing some dumb game. They look like tools. Ha! Chad just said of Jordan: the best thing about Jordan is his brother. (an NFL player) The worst thing about Jordan is he isn't his brother. Hahahaha.

Now they're playing another stupid game. Someone just said Chad looks like he's a protein shake in a blender. That's funny, considering Chad's earlier ANALOGY FAIL. I don't even know what they're doing. I don't care. They're fake proposing, waxing poetic (yes-- there's lots of that on this show) about their love for JoJo. How stupid. Chad and I don't like this.

Chad's fake proposal was: "Will you marry me?" JoJo wasn't impressed with that. She wants him to tell her all the things he loves about her. He counters with, "I feel like in that moment, you would already know what I love about you." Nope. She wants more. He tells her she's coming off a little naggy. The guys are loving it, saying Chad may have just written his ticket home. Haven't these guys watched the show before? Of course he hasn't. He's just written his ticket TO STAY. When Chad talks to camera (a little flushed in the face, it looks to me...) he says they're all trying to act like he's being an asshole, but he's just being honest. He insists JoJo wants a real man and not a boy.

Now there's some nonsense called Press Conference. Tough question time. JoJo just said Chad better up his game. Chad says this is ridiculous; they've never dated a beautiful woman before. I really hate the preoccupation with appearance on this show (and in the world). And what exactly does that even mean, Chad? Do beautiful women want to be treated differently than less attractive ones? That's preposterous!

The sports caster people are asking each dude who they think has performed worst today and they're all saying Chad. Chad contends that he is just being real and honest. Christian is telling him he missed the key portion of the date: fun. JoJo says it's tense. Natalie thinks it's lame. Chad calls everyone out and says (another good point, I must grudgingly admit) that they all just gave this big proposal and are acting like they're in love with her, but how can they know that yet? He doesn't know anything about her except that she's beautiful and ready for a relationship, which he thinks is cool, but he wants to see where this is headed and wants to get to know her and see if they have something together. He says everyone else is just acting. JoJo likes his honesty, she says, but isn't sure if he's "too" honest. Isn't that always the way? As Bon Jovi once said, "If you don't love me, lie to me." 

I'm wishing I hadn't already brushed my teeth because I could use a bowl of cereal about now. Special K Red Berry would be good. Although, on the other hand, that's precisely WHY I brushed my teeth already (to avoid the urge to bored-eat.) So I guess I just won at life. A half point, at the least. (Deductions for still being camped in front of this show...)

They're tallying the marks. Chad thinks he's winning. Sorry, Chad. No way. Power rankings are in. According to the ESPN guys:
#3 (likeable, handsome, not rehearsed) - Alex
#2 (honest about his feelings, emotional honesty) - Chad
#1 (pretty clear choice, talented) - James Taylor

Chad thinks those are bogus rankings. Now the guys are left with Chad and they're arguing again. Chad said they all lied to her. Blue shirt said "we all know why we're here" which was his way of saying, "Of course we lied. That's what the show IS."

Commercial break. My husband is in the kitchen setting up our coffee for the morning brew. He does it every night. I don't make coffee. I just drink it. I think JoJo needs to find someone who will make her coffee. That's the true test of lasting love, amiright??

And they're back. James the winner is getting some one-on-one time. He seems like a nice guy. He's not "Abs McGhee" as he puts it (haha), but he  -- he just said she's out of his league. Ugh! Why is she? Because she's pretty and he's only cute? Oh James. Have some faith in what matters, friend. He read her a note he wrote. She loved it. She's crying. They kissed. But it wasn't the same type of kiss she had with Luke. Or even Grant. Interesting.

Chad said Alex is too short. According to Chad, JoJo only likes tall guys. Another montage of conversations. This time it's Chad doing the voice-over (like Luke did earlier). Chad keeps talking about what JoJo wants. Basically, he says she doesn't want characteristics other guys possess, but does want what he has. Meanwhile, how the hell does he know what she wants?

Chad's turn. JoJo just said she thinks Chad is overcompensating for something. BINGO. I agree. There's definitely something to that. He's talking about his little Yorkie puppy and his recently-deceased mom. Seemed a contrived conversation, and he made himself sound extra breezy about it all. JoJo loves how he opened up to her. Oh JoJo, come on! Now they put a coin in the well. Now the wish of the kiss came true. Ho hum. Please make this episode END.

Alex said Chad thinks he's the alpha-male and is the highest level of douche bag. haha. I agree on both counts. Still finding Alex quite a ringer for James Marsden. Not a bad thing for Alex, says me. 

JoJo is giving out the date rose. She's giving it to someone who made her feel special and touched her heart. She gave it to James. Chad is offended. He thinks it's a waste since James isn't even a true contender for the end of this. Oh Chad. Prognosticator of prognosticators. Like Phil the Groundhog.

I don't care for JoJo's outfit. Leather pants. Fringe sweater. Not a fan. Chad is PISSED he didn't get the rose-- he's making a really miffed face. Ha. I love it!

Another commercial. Not loving that.

Rose ceremony night. Finally. The guys are inside wondering where Chad is. Has anyone seen him? How strange. But oh! Chad is waiting outside for JoJo to arrive. He's got wine for her and all. She is surprised to find him waiting for her. Now they're talking. She actually doesn't seem like she wants to be talking to him. She also didn't seem like she wanted--or enjoyed-- that kiss he just planted on her. She said, "Thank you" and pushed away from it. Yeah. Unwanted kiss fo sho.

But Chad doesn't care. He's walking in with JoJo on his arm. Because that was all a big show by Chad to psych out his fellow bachelors.

It worked. They're freaking. Now they are summoning him into the common room. They want to confront him. Come on, guys. Don't give him what he wants. Ugh! They're playing right into his hands. Look at his shit-eating grin. Obviously he planned it--he had a glass of wine for her!

Now JoJo is outside with someone's snowing!!! She's in a wine-colored sparkly sleeveless gown and white mittens. Haha. Why can't they be indoors if it's cold?

Meanwhile, inside...Chad seems to be here for the food. He's eating plate after plate of lunch meat/cold cuts, cheese cubes, and wings. He just referenced a protein shake...what the eff is it with these guys and protein shakes? Some protein shake company should get in on this and get a little product-placement going on up in here.

Hahahaha. Grant just said that Chad is taking the term "meat head" to another level as he's consumed as much food as a kindergarten class. hahahahahahaha.

I can't wait for the dumb rose ceremony to happen already. But there's 20 mins left so there will probably be more Chad-playing-mind-games-with-the-guys and them letting him.

Fresh back from the commercial, Chad is AGAIN remarking about how young and immature these guys are, and how they are trying to make it like a frat house/party. (To add credence to his claim, the editing team shows footage of JoJo and someone TPing the front tree, and JoJo and someone else doing shots.)

JoJo is outside talking with Alex and Chad tries cutting in. JoJo asks him to wait a second. Good for her. Alex. Is. Pissed.

Everyone is mad. Blah blah blah. They are confronting Chad again. Guys. GUYS. He's mind-effing you. You are letting him.

He made a Care Bears reference AND a West Side Story reference with regard to the way the guys surrounded him and weakly confronted him. He ultimately walked away from them.

Now Chad is interrupting another conversation (with Evan ED dude) for another convo with JoJo. He's just doing it to annoy the dudes. And it's working. Chad claims he isn't acting, but this behavior is all an act. He'd rather intimidate the guys than get to know JoJo.

Alex is calling out Chad. Chad is cursing and finger pointing and throwing around threats. This is so dumb. I have better things to do with my time yet I'm sitting here watching these antics.

Thank god. Rose ceremony time.

Chad will, of course, get one because he's the "villain." The editing of today's (brutal, endless, painful) episode beat us over the head with it. So that means he'll be around for at least several more episodes. I don't believe JoJo is all that enamored with him at this point, and if it were solely up to her she might cut him tonight, but I don't believe it IS up to her.

The guys are lining up for the ceremony. Chad is shoving yet another cold cut in his mouth as JoJo walks in. That's just weird. He should stop that.

Ok, finally. She's handing out roses. Let's get on with it so I can go to bed. Wells, Derek, and James Taylor already have their date roses. Add to them -- Alex, Christian, Robby (hate the bow tie, Robby), Luke,  Chase, Jordan, Grant, Eyebrows--er, Ali, Dan the Dick (ugh! Again?!), James F (don't recall seeing him this whole night), Nick (who is that? Santa?), Vinny, Evan ED-- one rose left. It's OBVIOUSLY going to Chad who is fixing his tie and already plotting what he'd say to her if she didn't give it to him. But she did, of course. Chad. But the way she said it? Didn't sound all that jazzed to me. Deep sigh beforehand. telling.

Leaving tonight: Hipster, Superfan, and Cowboy (I think-- they didn't show his name)

Chad just made another protein shake reference. Sigh.

Next week, besides some spilled blood, we have two episodes over two nights to look forward to. WHYYYYYY? Chris Harrison just said there's a double dose of Chad (who is eating in the preview). Um, thanks spoiler alert.

Dear ABC: too much of a bad thing? Even worse. Thanks. Bye.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Bachelorette- Season JoJo - Episode 1

I wasn't even going to watch this season of Bachelorette. It's a dumb show. It's trash, in fact. There's no denying that. And from last season's ladies, JoJo wouldn't have been my pick for the lead. I didn't find her all that dynamic. She seemed friendly enough, and she's attractive, but they didn't edit together a compelling enough story for her at any point for me to feel invested in watching her "journey" to find "love" this season.

But the thing is, I forgot to delete my pre-set DVR recording and the opening episode taped.

While I was getting ready for bed, I flipped it on because it's the perfect thing to have on in the background because I don't miss much over the sounds of tooth brushing and such. It's just people blathering on with their scripted hopefulness that this process--which so often fails because it isn't rooted in any sort of reality--will work for them. No doubt, at least half the time, they want it to work for their personal exposure and not a relationship. Whatever.

In any event, I had it on. I saw the intros. I had LOTS of thoughts. But with whom could I share those thoughts? My husband hates the show and won't listen to my commentary. Then it hit me: blog it.

And so, here is my commentary for the first episode of JoJo's season in as close to real-time viewing as possible (inasmuch as I can keep up with the typing). I'm not going to go back and edit after I've written it, either, because I can't spend the whole day working on it, now can I? (The answer to that, friends, is no.)

The show opens with a recap of JoJo's "journey" on Season Ben.
She was one of the contestants who came out with a dumb schtick-- unicorn head? Really? Ugh.
Ben really stepped in it last season. He should never have told two people he was in love with them. That's total bull.

Pensive water shot. Look into that fountain, JoJo. Stare at those flowers in the tree, JoJo. That criss-cross chest blue dress she's wearing in the "confessional" thing is lovely.
I hate that they had her walk along the beach in a bikini. It's so demeaning. Why couldn't she just be in shorts and a tee-shirt? (It reminds me of the IDIOCY that was the Chris Soules season when they had the girls ride around atop tractors whilst in bikinis. On a city street.)

A rundown on the requisite advice session with past contestants.

Nerves? They lay it on pretty thick telling JoJo that the men will look to her to calm them down and set the tone for the experience. 

Kiss on night one? They tell her it's a go. Why delay it? You're there to find a husband and if you feel attraction, you should explore it. * I think this is bad advice. Kissing on night one should not be on the table. Not when there's 26 men and you're talking to them for 5-10 minutes at a time.

Focus on compatibility and don't just get swept away with attraction, confusing lust with love. * Agreed. Good advice.

Are you ready to get engaged? This is a planted question. These ladies are here as extensions of the unnecessary host. I can practically hear Chris Harrison in the question. Anyway, JoJo says she is ready. 

Kaitlyn: "I'm so scared for you... I'm just being honest." Shut up, Kaitlyn. Nobody needs your honesty right now. (Full disclosure: I'm not a Kaitlyn fan. I didn't like her on Chris's season. Didn't like her on her own season. Still not liking her. I do, however, like her stripey shirt.)

Chris Harrison gives JoJo a glowing recommendation. She's the "total package" -- loving, gorgeous, successful. There was another adjective in there but I missed it and I'm not rewinding for it. But the thrust here is that she's a prize that any guy would be lucky to have. Guys like, well, THESE fellows (who get their own little spotlight before they even step out of the limos!)

Grant, 28, Firefighter. Shaved head. Botox lips. Prominent chin. Eh. Not impressed. He hopes JoJo lights his fire. Get it? Because he's a firefighter? (Gag!)

Jordan, 27, Former Pro-Footballer. Little brother of famous football person I don't know because I don't care about sports. He, too, played a bit. So right off the bat we have to wonder if he's here for the so-called right reasons (aka- for a relationship with JoJo) or if he's here for exposure because the famous thing didn't pan out. He's handsome. But what's with the super skinny jeans? NO! I just don't like them. His hands barely fit in those pockets and his walk is almost as awkward as his final comment that he hopes he'll be "JoJo's number one draft pick." Oh my god. Please stop!

Alex, 25, Marine. Rides a motorcycle. Life turned around by his choice to join marine corps. Short guy. Looks nice in his uniform. He's cute (but his twin is cuter), with pretty brown eyes

James, 27, Bachelor Superfan. Not a good sign (in life) that his career is listed as Bachelor Superfan. What else does he do? According to this intro piece, nothing. But at least his piece is mildly (in comparison to the other pieces, mind you) funny. He's doing his fave Bachelor pose. He's practicing accepting his rose. He's talking about his Bachelor brackets (he lost last season because he had Caila going all the way). He's seeking wardrobe advice from his autographed photo of Chris Harrison. But we don't really know anything about him beyond his love of the show. Which means he's not going to be around too long.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Oh geez. Here we go. Prepare for the dick jokes, everyone. Former pastor but now he's found a different way to "lift" people's spirits. When guys come in "they're really down" - a lot of what he does is "pump up my guys" and "get... them excited."  "It's a hard business" and "it's really draining" but it "gets the pep in their step." Also, he's "pumped" talking about JoJo-- he's got his "mojo for JoJo." That's just cheap.

Ali, 27, Bartender. HOLY eyebrows Batman! Shit. I think he might have said something about himself, but I'm sorry. I can't stop staring at his eyebrows. It looks like he may have legit had a uni brow and he removed the connective part since it's actually lighter there. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's distracting. For a second I thought I may have noticed he has a nice smile, but then my eyes go right back to the busy above the peepers. YIKES.

Christian, 26, Telecom. He gets up early (3:30) and works out at 4:30. Too early, dude. Looks great in a suit. Pain of interracial background. Role model for brothers who live with him. He's said "journey" twice so that's a good sign.

Luke, 31, War Veteran. Small town country boy. There had to be at least one. There always is. He's a vet, too. He's got a very attractive profile. But when he looks directly at the camera...something goes away.

Limo rides over to meet JoJo. They're talking about how hot she is. How if they picture their wife, she's what they picture. How superficial of them. Oh look-- there's a Jon Krasinski lookalike in the limo. Who is that guy?

Jordan is the first out of the limo. Good sign for him, especially combined with his intro piece earlier. He's gonna be a player. JoJo tells him he looks good. Several times.

It's Jon Krasinski again. His real name is Derek. That's a good name for a love interest. I think I'll use that in a book. He also kind of reminds me (appearance-wise) of Marcus from Andy's season (and then I think he went and did Bachelor in Paradise but I don't watch that show.) Hmm.

Nice first impression, Grant. Way to bring up her painful history with Ben within ten seconds of meeting her. That'll get you points...NOT.

James F, owns a boxing club or some such.

JoJo keeps telling people not to be nervous even if they don't say they're nervous. I think she really took that pep talk from the girls to heart. Yikes.

James S. Came for a relationship, not a rose. Nice rehearsed line, but sounded totally rehearsed.

Robby. Walks like he has a load in his pants. Presents JoJo with a bottle of wine and makes her drink from the bottle. Then drinks himself. Awkward. Should've brought glasses.

It's Alex the marine again. He really is cute (reminds me of James Marsden, actually), but his suit doesn't fit. He needs to size up. His muscles are bulging out of it, and not in a good way. And also? The flood is over, Alex. You need a little more length on those pants. I shouldn't be able to see your stupid striped socks, buddy.

Will fake dropped his flashcards so he could use them for an awkward joke wherein he told JoJo he's the most beautiful woman in the world or some shit. Horrible,Will.

Chad. Gets out of the limo. Pretty attractive. But then... awkward grab of her hands that results in them standing arms akimbo and then a waaaaaay too intense stare that, rather than playing off as sexy and soul-searching (as I believe was his game plan) comes off as creepy and

Daniel-- this guy seems like a dick. I don't like him. He seems disingenuous and flippant.

Eyebrows hath arrived. Ali is back. He does have a sweet smile. But goddamn, those brows.

Oh no. James Taylor is singing with a guitar. Hokey. (Meanwhile, there's a ton of men named James here)

Dude in a kilt. Jonathan. He's half chinese and half scottish, but luckily he's "half scottish below the waist." JoJo doesn't get the joke (or does, but chooses not to focus on how he's just sexually harassed her). What does that mean, she wants to know? To his credit, Jon doesn't explain that he was making a disgusting reference to the size of his schlong even though he's JUST MET HER. Instead, he says it's "open to interpretation." Smart. Oh wait. I gave him too much credit. Because as he walks away, he tells her he isn't wearing underwear. Oh dear.

Guys aren't impressed when Jon walks in in his kilt. Dan the Dick is making snide remarks.

Santa. His name is listed as Saint Nick. He's dressed like Santa. Gave her a gift. Saying "Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo" instead of HOHOHO. Doesn't even remove his beard to show her his real face.

Dan the Dick unimpressed with Santa, too, and has some choice bleeped words on the subject. (He's going on the naughty list...) Chad not a fan of the sideshow antics, but Jordan appreciates it because he feels it helps him out.

(Fake) mustachioed man --I missed his name -- uses pun I laughed at yesterday. Today? Not so funny.

Jake. Poor guy. The show glazed over his intro. He's an architect- that's all we know. I predict that's all we'll come to know, too.

Sal and blue balls. He hands them to her and tells her he gives her permission to squeeze his balls any time she is stressed. You know what? That shit isn't funny when you're first meeting someone. It's creepy and rude.

Coley wants to take JoJo "off the market" (real-estate humor).

Brandon the hipster who doesn't have much to say. He didn't watch last season. Guess what else? He didn't brush his hair for tonight, either.

Men note there's a lot of hair gel and cologne right now. Someone feels like he's in a catalogue of sorts. Dan the Dick says, "She's lucky girl. If I was a gay dude, I'd be in paradise."

Christian Slater meets Chris Hemsworth (Nick S) dazzles with a dance and split.

Vinny gives her toast. Like the bread. JoJo must have a gluten allergy (she only mercy smiled at it.)

Peter gives her a stuffed heart.

Chad thought the pickings would be "the number one guys from each state" (meanwhile, where the hell did he get that idea?? Has he ever watched this show?) but he's realizing it's more like a bunch of guys "couldn't meet a girl."

Evan has just sprung from the limo. (Get it? Sprung? Since he's the erectile dysfunction joke machine?)

Wells. "You're outta my league," he tells her. Now All-4-One is singing "I Swear" for her since Wells brought them along. The hipster is impressed. James Taylor "hates" whoever brought them. Jordan thinks this is a good move.

Here comes trouble -- JoJo: "I feel a bad boy!"-- it's Christian.

Luke came riding in on a horse. Oh, a UNIcorn. He still has that great profile but not a good front face. That's the weirdest thing to me.

Chris Harrison. Oh, he's just hosting. He's so pointless.

They keep talking about how pretty she is. Santa is still "JoJoJoJo"ing all over the place. He's still in his costume. And the beard.

She's giving them a pep talk. Thanks for coming. You look hot. Blah blah blah.

Alex the marine and his Dan the Dick talking about how short Alex is and how he must have a Napoleon complex. Alex does pushups with JoJo sitting on his butt. Chad has his own snide remarks to share. It's amazing to be able to watch someone become less and less attractive in front of your eyes.

JoJo is looking for an instant connection but she's not feeling it. Everyone is so nervous.

Oh wait. Here comes Jordan. She feels it with him. He's rubbing her back. She's eating it up. He wishes he kissed her.

More crap conversations. Painful. Especially Will (the fake flashcard guy)-- now he's doing an orgami fortune teller with her... and her fortune is she's about to get kissed. She plays along but it's not a real kiss and she was obviously only being polite. Yikes. Cringe.

But that's ok. Jordan has been thinking about how he didn't like not seizing his own kiss moment before so he's coming back to recreate that moment and give her a real one. "I'm goofy...really goofy... <smoooch>" Wow. What a moment. But she liked it and is now remarking on his butt. She says she needs to start doing squats.

Chris comes in with the first impression rose. Now the room gets tense.

Omigod. Wells is still using the All-4-One card. Get your own talent, dude. Speaking of? JoJo is tone deaf.

The architect wouldn't let the hipster interrupt? Even so, neither of them will be in the show long enough for that to

Chad talking to JoJo pretending to be vulnerable. After all his comments, it's obviously fake. He's pretty confident that if he wanted her, I'll have her???? He's the manlier, more rugged version of Ben? Ben is just a "soft, supple, smooth, friendly guy"? Man, Chad is a DICK. He may be worse than Dan.

Speaking of...Dan the Dick is talking to her now. He's having the most awkward conversation with her. Good. Because he's awful.

People are drinking a LOT. Santa is STILL in full regalia. He's literally lifting his beard out of the way to drink a bottle of beer. WHY is he still in that outfit? He can't be legit on the show. He has to be some kind of random plant.

Dan the Dick is drunk. Poking the erectile dysfunction guy's belly button. Oh man. Let's just get to the rose ceremony already and put us out of our misery. Now he's taken off his shirt. Now his pants are off. JoJo told him to put his clothes on. And he's in the water....

JoJo in the confessional but Chris Hemsworth interrupted and now another one is interrupting. Purple Tie just made a reference to last season. Something like "I'll never make you beg for my love on the bathroom floor." Shit! What is wrong with these idiots???

Eyebrows is playing Beethoven. He's very talented.

She's sitting on Santa's lap. But he's still wearing it that beard. She FINALLY took it off him. But he's sweating profusely. Gross.

James Taylor has impressed her. Now the other Texas guy -- Luke of the profile-only attractiveness--bought her cowboy boots. She's feeling him.

Ooh. First-impression rose time. Jordan?

Yes! I am SO good. Jordan it is. But the rejected guys are taking solace in the fact that Olivia got the first-impression rose last season but then got left on an island. This is a good point. Chad doesn't feel Jordan is being "genuine."

Oh, here's Chris. It's time. JoJo is RELIEVED. She's like, "Thank you!" Honestly, I don't think it would be all that difficult to make cuts right now. I could do it with ease. Here's who I'd cut: Dan, purple tie, Jon, Grant, Chris Hemsworth, Santa, Chad. (She won't cut Chad.), Will, Coley

But wait! Here comes another limo. Jake the Snake Pavelka has arrived. Why? What's the angle here?

They've gone to commercial so I will take this opportunity to think this through before I see why he's here. First off, this is dumb. Jake already had a shot on this show (and several crap spin-offs). He picked Vienna and then that was a complete and utter train wreck and he showed his true colors of, well, being an asshole, and the whole thing wasn't good. I'm not sure if they're bringing him in now to potentially vie for JoJo's hand. The show has been letting people come in and crash the party for a while now, so that's certainly an angle. It's possible he's just there to give advice and they did it over a commercial break to draw it out and let viewers enjoy their shit-fits. We'll see. He's probably trying to stay. He can't let his time run out. To that end, if JoJo lets him stay (assuming she even has a choice which, with this show, I don't necessarily believe is the case) that would be a joke.

It's back. The Bachelor Superfan recognizes him right off. Ha! His fandom is good for something.

Jake is a close family friend with JoJo?? Like a brother? Nepotism in the Bachelor-hood, huh? But he wants to talk to her first. He wants love. FOR HER. Duh. That was the stupidest effing thing I've ever seen. Total ploy.

Whatever. Let's get on with the ceremony. JoJo will go with her gut.

Rose recipients: Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant (WHY?), Derek, Christian, Chad (Chad did lots of bluster as other guys got their roses before him), Chase, Alex (Napoleon complex), Robby, Brandon (hipster? huh!), James F, Ali Eyebrows, Santa (?!?!), Will (no way!), James S , Vinny (purple tie-- Dan the Dick just said "I don't know what JoJo is thinking" -- honestly, neither do I!), erectile dysfunction guy, Dan! (WHAT the EFF?)

It's daybreak as the castoffs leave. That's how long this nonsense takes to shoot. Wow. And Santa is still wearing his stupid outfit.

Thank goodness that's over. I don't know if I can watch more of these. But I'm posting this because I just spent (wasted) two hours of my life on it.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Luck of the Modern Parent

              Photo credit: here
When I was a kid, here's what we did at home to celebrate St. Patrick's Day: my mom made some Irish potatoes candies (1) and decorated a couple windows and doors with paper shamrocks. (That's also what we did for Valentine's Day, only with some hearts and cupids, and Thanksgiving with the turkeys and pilgrims, and Halloween with black cats and witches and skeletons. You get the picture.) And that level of acknowledgement and "celebration" was pretty standard. It was uncommon to do much else. Except for my best friend's mom who always made her and her siblings shamrock shakes as an after-school snack.

You know what we did in school to celebrate St. Patrick's Day? Nothing. Seriously. Not a thing. They barely even advertised for us to wear green! Even when they did, I was one of a very few who wore it.

I had ONE shirt--a ribbed green turtleneck--and a ribbon with shamrocks on it which I tied around a ponytail (or, if my hair was too short that year, on my belt loop or around my neck). If I felt extra festive, I'd throw on my "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" pin to complete the look. I wore that same outfit EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. For real. I'd estimate I got that shirt around 6th grade and only finally retired it about 5 years ago. (2) (Yes, it still fit--except the sleeves which, admittedly, went from full-length to an inch shy of 3/4-length. But hey! That came into fashion so LUCKY ME!) Miraculously, the vibrant Kelly green hue never faded in all the years I owned it. Probably because I only wore it once a year.

Anyway. The point I'm getting at is this: St. Patrick's Day? As a "holiday?" Non-entity.

But I learned a few years ago, when my older daughter started kindergarten, this is no longer the case.

No, now there's a whole *thing* with St. Patrick's Day. Involving, of course, the leprechaun. Who, apparently, comes to the school and gets into all sorts of mischief, wreaking havoc in the classrooms. I'm talking overturning chairs. Messing up blinds. Tossing papers around. Breaking things. Mixing up pencils and markers. Etc etc etc. Oh, but sometimes he leaves behind gold coin candies.

Can we pause for one minute here? What nutty newbie teacher thought up this nonsense? As though teachers don't have enough shit to do during a normal day, enough REAL messes to clean up, now they're expected to destroy their own classrooms and waste instructional time while the kids then have to clean it all up??? WHY??? It's SO. DUMB.

But, see, if that was all there is to the new wave, maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal because if some whimsical teacher wants to wreck her own room, I guess that's her business. It doesn't affect my life or infringe on my time.

Unfortunately, it's not all. Because then the forms come home about making something called a "leprechaun trap." The first time I saw it, I was like, "What the hell is this?" Why would anyone want to trap a leprechaun? Aren't they busy at the end of the rainbow with pots of gold? But it goes along with the whole mischievous-leprechaun concept. (3)
So on the appointed day, I cart my kid AND her trap to school, all the while curious as to how the teacher is going to work around the idea that, presumably, there is one leprechaun but thirty traps. Will the "best" trap catch him? Ooh, kindergarten intrigue.

Guess what? Turns out the whole leprechaun trap concept puts the SHAM in shamrock!

THE LEPRECHAUN IS NEVER CAUGHT. What kind of blarney is that? But then, of course that's the outcome because  how can you catch something that DOESN'T EXIST?

What we're left with at the end of the day, then, is a whole bunch of wasted time (either the kids' or their parents' - see footnote 3 below), disappointed kids, and a mess that didn't need to happen in the first place.

And, again, if that's all there was to it, I could just suck it up once a year. But my kids think this is normal and they expect it at home, too. Because why does the leprechaun visit their friends' houses and not their house?

So then I'm in the unenviable position of making a choice. Do I open Pandora's box and tell them the leprechaun is fictional, and risk bursting the magic bubble of other made-up characters? If one falls, will they all fall? (It's an inevitable eventuality, but is now the time?) Or do I cave to the new trend and buy a $5 tub of gold coin candies, knock some pillows off the couch, tie up my curtains, and dribble a few drops of green food coloring into their morning milk?

Some people might argue this is exactly why they don't perpetuate the belief in any character. And in one way, that might be easier. Though in others, I bet it's harder. After all, when so many other people get to believe in something, it can feel lonely or sad not to. Especially as a kid. I've read articles written by parents who claim their kid doesn't miss out and still gets presents or candy in conjunction with the holidays. But I'd argue that the kids are missing out on some degree of the intangible "magic" of believing simply because it's fun to believe. Even if, down the line, they'll be disappointed to find out it wasn't literal truth, but more a figurative ideal, at least they were able to revel in the magic of it for a time.

On the other hand, it can be difficult and stressful to keep myths alive for kids. Fielding questions about inconsistent-looking bearded men in red or bunnies. Explaining disparities in rewards for teeth. Responding to kids' notes left in the dead of night. Mastering the perfect timing for magically appearing (or disappearing) items throughout the house.

Back in the day, parents signed on for this just a couple times a year-- Christmas and Easter-- and maybe around tooth-loss time.

But Christmas is no longer one night of magic. It's a whole month because of the likes of Elf on the Shelf. (Which we don't do, much to the disappointment of my daughter.) (4)
Wearing green on St. Patrick's Day is no longer enough. Now there's a trap and a mess and hard-to-find gold candies.

Aside from the extra work involved, the additions stress me out because I don't like to over-complicate things. The more intricacies involved in a story, the harder it is to keep track of them, stay consistent, have them make sense. Plus, it's uncomfortable because I'm forced as a parent to make new judgment calls about what constitutes a "healthy" fantasy life versus where it crosses the line into a lie. Is it okay to perpetuate some characters without doing all characters? Or, as some argue, is any one of these a recipe for ruined trust down the line? 

I don't have the answer. I only have what I suspect might be the answer for me and my kids at this point in time. (5) I may not know until they're older if I got it right.

If I'm lucky. 

**Footnotes. Because I'm doing that now.**

(1) I've recently learned Irish potato candies, like scrapple, are a regional thing. A Philadelphia candy, as it were. So if you don't know what I'm talking about when I refer to them, it's a little ball of coconut cream rolled in cinnamon. It's roundish and brown like a potato, hence the name. But there's no potato in them. I decided this year I wanted to make my own--sooooo easy-- and I had a tough time finding a recipe without cream cheese in them since the ones I grew up eating had no cheese in them. Here's the recipe I found that is spot on if you want to taste the deliciousness. Oh, except you roll them ONLY in cinnamon.

(2) When I bought a new green shirt--a short-sleeved scoop neck--to wear only once a year.

(3) If you're not familiar with the concept, google it. At it's base, the task is simple. As in simplynotsimple. The mission: construct a trap to catch the leprechaun doing all the mischief in the classroom. Use boxes, paper, pots (gold optional), rainbows, makeshift ladders, paper-towel-roll slides, pencils, whatever, to jerry-rig a trapdoor or other means of capturing the dude.

I know what some of you are thinking: But there *is* educational value to this project. It's not just fluff. There's opportunities for artistic creativity and problem-solving. Lessons on cause and effect, even some possible physics depending on the construction.

And, for the ten kids who completed their own projects, I'll agree with you. But for the 20 other kids whose parents CLEARLY did theirs, they got nothing from it except their first lesson in helicopter parenting.

For the record, my daughter did her own, constructing what looked to be more of a leprechaun house than anything else. She used a box and taped a bunch of toy furniture and pictures and so forth to the inside. Her rationale? It would be so cozy in there, the leprechaun would choose to stay. This is the same girl who, at Thanksgiving, completed the sentence "If I was a turkey at Thanksgiving, I would..." with "dress up like a pig." Can't argue with that! I love the way she thinks.

(4) Last year, we got sort of roped in to doing a version of this from Dec 1-24 because my daughters were gifted with what were described as magical elves who moved in the night. But we didn't continue the tradition this year. Now the elves are more decorative for the girls' bedrooms. I still had to make up a story explaining why they weren't moving, however.

(5) Which is why I got up fifteen minutes before my girls today and half-assedly "messed up" and dyed their milk green and left them each a few chocolate coins.