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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 6: What She Lacks in Good Men, She Makes Up For in Nice Clothes

I just said to my husband, "Hey, you wanna drink some white wine?" He said, "Yeah, I could drink a glass." Then I proceeded to set myself up on the couch without the wine. Because I want him to open the bottle and deliver it. What? I'm busy typing!

The recap/preview of today is on...oh man. I hope he gets here soon with some wine.

This week opens with a lovely daisy shot. Some stinky-looking horses. A dude in a bonnet and an argyle sweater (is this Buenos Aires or Scotland, yo?), British soldiers??? These bonnets are all the rage around here, apparently, as there's a group of dudes on the street wearing them, too. Huh.

JoJo, reminiscing on the "funnest" part of last season--all the traveling-- sits on a park bench in a fashionable red frock, her long white jacket draped artfully behind her, and holds a cup of coffee. What a journey this has been, y'all. (She didn't say y'all, but she HAS in life and, therefore, I'm not feeling guilt for putting words in her mouth at this moment.) She can just FEEL that Buenos Aires would be an awesome place to fall in love. (Note to JoJo: falling in love is awesome anywhere by nature of it being, you know, falling in love! Endorphin rush!) She says some crap about Luke being H-O-T (at least, I'm pretty sure she said Luke. My husband came in the room and gave me a glass of water. Uh, imma need something stronger up in here. I can already tell.)

Anyhoo, Chris Harrison shows up looking all dress-down Friday in his suit sans tie, and he lets us know we're about halfway through this misery. (That's the season, not the episode, mind you. Of the episode, we're only about 3 min and 36 seconds in. Of 2 hours. So, like, there's practically a lifetime to go of this episode.) JoJo is concerned she might end up falling in love with two people just like Ben did last season and Chris is all "the irony would be pretty thick." Thanks, Chris. Way to earn your paycheck there, buddy.

They just panned to a group shot of the guys and, in the words of Junie B Jones, "Wowee wow wow" Alex is REALLY short. In other news, Luke is similarly jazzed about Buenos Aires (BA, from here on out). He can't think of anywhere else "in the entire world" that would be a better place to fall in love. Really, Luke? Because I could think of about 37 off the top of my head. But whatever. Good for you that you got lucky and ABC granted you your number one choice of love-destinations in the entire world. What are the chances??? Robby, similarly eloquent, says "it's kind of like a city of love; there's beautiful buildings and beautiful people." BA should put that in their travel brochures.

Bombshell: There's a 2-on-1 this week! Everyone is freaking out, especially as, apparently, this is unprecedented. Usually there's only a single 2-on-1 date in the season. I never noticed that, but they said it a few times, so it must be true. Turns out the old adage is correct: you learn something new every day. 

The guys digest this news as they take in the sights, including their hotel. It's, as they put it, "definitely 5-star." I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but I just looked up some traveler info for BA and there was something about how 3-star hotels average $60/night and 5-stars average $160/night. So, frankly, I should hope they sprung for the 5-star. Especially as the helicopters have been lacking so far this season. Just sayin'.

The guys are jumping on the beds, looking out the windows, yelling "JoJo" out the window. What a bunch of dorks.

First date card arrives to the 5-star room. Wells gets the date. It's a one-on-one. It says, "Besame, Besame muchacho." (Kiss me.)

Wells confesses he hasn't kissed JoJo yet. All the guys pity him. He looks like he's gonna puke.

JoJo arrives to pick up Wells, and Luke is like, "Are you guys gonna kiss today?" and JoJo is like, "Hmm. That's funny. Isn't it?" In the most UNAMUSED voice I've ever heard. I loved it! LOL. The guys are talking about how awkward it's gonna be if the kiss happens (or doesn't) and it isn't good, or if it's this big thing and Wells botches the timing, etc etc. Honestly, I think they're all making too much about it.

On the date, Wells buys her some jewelry.Which she calls "cute." Yikes.

In actual good news, my husband just came down again and brought me not just a glass of wine, but also a plate of cheese and crackers to snack on with it! He's the best. Who needs Buenos Aires? I fall in love at home every day!

Back from commercial (and snack) break. JoJo and Wells are playing with these silly toys at the outdoor marketplace thing. JoJo takes him to a show. Brute Force, it's called, I believe. I don't really care, to be honest.

Wells is talking about why he's waited so long to kiss JoJo. Something about waiting for the perfect opportunity and situation. While his voice-over says that crap, the camera is showing him and JoJo in this empty room sort of staring at each other longingly. A kiss now would be quite natural. Thus, Wells doesn't kiss her. JoJo's frustration is palpable.

This dude has no game. (This should come as no shock to anyone as he's the same guy who brought All-4-One with him to meet JoJo on Night 1 and kept them around for the better part of the night...)

Wells explains to camera that he was about to kiss JoJo but then half-naked swimmers appeared on the ceiling above them and that didn't seem like a good moment. Right. Now a dude comes out and tells JoJo and Wells they're going to learn some of these cool stunts from the show, too. Wells reels off a bunch of reasons to camera about how these circumstances don't lend themselves to kissing.

They learn stunts. Wells high fives her. And...oh my god. They just had the worst, most awkward cheek kiss I've ever seen. The guys back at the hotel don't think Wells is coming back. If they saw that cheek shit just now, they'd go nuts. (As it were, if he doesn't get it together, I agree with them--he's a goner.)

Now JoJo and Wells are in that water pool thing where the semi-nudes were earlier. (Yum.) Wells is still talking to camera about waiting for the "perfect" moment. Way to build it up in your mind. And then, just when we're all ready to give up, Wells kisses JoJo. Like she's his sister. Even so, JoJo yells, "Wooooo! We did it. We just had our moment!" Talk about LAME. I'm so embarrassed for them I gulped the rest of that first glass of wine to dull my senses. Luckily, my husband came back down to refill me since I have another hour and some to get through. (What? He's not watching with me. He refuses. And I understand that. I, too, would rather watch Star Trek. But only The Next Generation. I'm not down with Deep Space Nine. I can't warm to those Cardassians.)

Wells feels a "tingle in the heart." He's talking about how "this [relationship with JoJo] is totally viable." I love when a guy romances me discussing viability. JoJo finds him "intriguing." I don't know why. I don't find him at all intriguing. I find him whiny, dull, droning. She wanted to know about his last relationship and he had to remove his coat because he's sweating. Booooorrrriiinnnnggg.

Back at the 5-star hotel, the date card arrives. It's the group date. This is perhaps the one time ever the men WANT to be on the group date, because the two dudes not on the card are on the 2-on-1 and one of them is getting kicked to the proverbial curb.

Chase and Derek are going on the 2-on-1. Here we go. If she keeps keeps Derek over Chase, I may hurl up the cheese I just ate.

Back with Wells (is she seriously still on this date?????), Wells of No Game is being himself and ruining the magic of the night. He says something about how the excitement of the beginning of relationships eventually goes away. JoJo jumps on that. She lays it out there for Wells. She wants to know if it has to (go away, that is). Because she thinks the fairy tale love does exist, that passion can last, that it's not "just" a movie or song. She knows that couples get "comfortable" and things cool off from that early stage, but she thinks the real deal is out there if it's the right person for you. That's what she's looking for; it's what she wants.

Wells' body language and mannerisms indicate to me that this confession makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't necessarily agree. "That's what you're looking for?" He does a long blink. He licks his lips.

Like me, JoJo hears the skepticism. I hope she doesn't give him the rose.

She is saying to camera she needs to decide if she wants to break through the wall. She's getting upset and says it sucks. I think it's because she's not gonna give him the rose. She's holding the rose, and making her speech to him and just said "BUT"... yep. He's getting cut. Good. I don't like him.

He's in the limo. The show runner shows up at the hotel and takes his bag and the men laugh and hoot because, dun dun dun another one bites the dust.

JoJo is walking the street of BA and she's wearing another cute dress and jacket slung over her shoulders. Liking it. But now she's standing forlornly in the club/show wherein she and Wells were not kissing earlier. It's "raining" inside and she's cry-laughing. Me too, JoJo, me too.

I'm really happy that date is over. Even though JoJo is lamenting the possibility that at the end of this journey she may end up without lasting love, I'm thankful I won't have to see Weak Wells anymore on this show. (Yeah, I just changed his nick name mid-post. I don't care. You're lucky I'm still watching at this juncture!)

Ok, group date time. Alex jogs ahead to hug JoJo. She's giving him props for his enthusiasm, but his secret is that he wanted to separate himself from the other guys so she can't see them next to each other and notice how they all tower over him.

Meanwhile, poor James Taylor feels inadequate, like he doesn't belong with this group of cool dudes. On the bright side, he's on a train headed toward "I love JoJo-ville." Oooooo-kay...

They're playing a pick up game of soccer and kicking. Stakes: kiss JoJo. (Shouldn't the prize be something they can't get anyway for free?) This is soooooo tired. Also? I don't like Jordan (who just lifted up his shirt and then JoJo was like, "Your stomach is, like, so hard." Gag.)

JoJo asks Luke what's going on in his head, but it's obvious she just wants to suck his face off. She is barely containing herself from leaning in for the kiss, and her hand is positioned right next to his junk. I mean it. In the next shot, it's on his thigh. He's talking about "where he's at" (ahhhhh!) and she can't stand it (me neither, for different reasons). She doesn't want to listen to him. She wants to MAKE OUT. Finally, he's shutting up. They did one little kiss and then he did a deep sultry inhale before another one. JoJo is "running out of words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me." It is crazy, she says. It is "cray. zee." (It bore repeating, apparently, that's how crazy it was.)

Also crazy? How much I hate this episode. They need to have Chad back. I'm so bored. Like, more than normal. I'm having difficulty concentrating.

Back on the group date, James Taylor is getting his turn with JoJo. He's about to waste it tattling on other guys. JT is complaining about Jordan. (Too bad for him he doesn't know about that make out sesh JoJo just had with Luke. Maybe he could've spread around some of that angst over the competition front-runners.) Anyway, after he lays a seed of doubt about Jordan by talking about Jordan's "celebrity," he asks if he can kiss her. Romantic lead-in, dude. Sooooo fly.

JoJo knows that James Taylor has lots of qualities that "make for a great life partner." (Just like Wells earlier when he was talking about "viability," this is not sexy relationship talk.) She trusts him and takes him seriously. Just, you know, not as husband material. After all, when she was talking to Wells before about keeping that magic alive, she cited how she wants to think, "God, he's so hot!" about her spouse years down the road.

JoJo pulls aside Jordan and says "it was brought to my attention earlier" that there was a situation between James and Jordan the other day. Subtle, Jo.

Jordan laughs it off and tries to explain the situation to her, and seems similarly pissed like the other day when JoJo talked to him about his past girlfriend. The camera pans to their entwined hands, except that Jordan's hand sort of balls up at one point. He's not a happy camper. I'm thinking more and more that the rumors that he's in this for the fame and not for JoJo are true.

In the awkward silencio once he rejoins the other men, Jordan swirls his wine violently. He reaches in his front pockets as though looking for a gun, and he twiddles his foot like there's something on his leg he's trying to dislodge. I notice his stupid shoes--kind of an idiot bootie situation. I own a pair like it. But I'm a woman. I also own skinny jeans like his. But, again, I'm a woman. I really am not into his style.

Or Robby's, frankly. Nice lapel "flower," Robby. Ugh.

Awkward fashion notwithstanding, the silence is deafening in the man holding area and James is all, "How'd it go?" and Jordan is ready to grill him. It's about what you'd expect. Jordan asking leading questions hoping to catch James in a lie while James answers in partial truths hoping not to be pinned down on specifics even though he started this.

Meanwhile, Alex is watching the exchange and is LOVING it. And, honestly, I'm kinda loving it, too. The thing I don't understand is if someone calls someone else out by name to the Bachelorette, don't they think she's going to ask that person about the claim to try to get to the bottom of it? And, in turn, don't they think they'll eventually be confronted about it by the person they "told" on? That seems like it would be expected. But what do I know? I've had 2 glasses of pinot grigio.

JoJo is back and she's talking about the rose she's about to give out. She wants to give it to someone who makes her feel good and special and excited about the future. Obvi, that's her make-out partner, Luke.

Everyone else is pissed. Yay. That's what I like to see.

My kitty (Junie B Jones--named for the book character) just came in the room. She's way more compelling than this episode. And she's only just standing there looking at me.

Sweet merciful commercial break.

Over too soon. Because here we go. That effing whiny-ass Derek is such a tool. He's talking about how he's great. I hate him.

JoJo is sauntering down the street in another saucy red dress. It goes past the knee. It's a classy look. Ole, JoJo!

Chase and Derek and Jojo are gonna dance. Tango time, baby.

The lady teaching them to tango is showing tons of cleavage and I'm not sure she's wearing underwear of any kind. For reals.

JoJo is doing a 3-person tango. She's being thrown back and forth between the two guys. I can't believe it, but Chase is letting Derek get the better of him. Chase. Please! For the love of all that is holy! Do not let this ASS get the rose and get you sent home. Toothy-face emoji!

Wardrobe change! JoJo is in a shorter white dress with a chesty cutout. Oh wait, it's just a brown inverted V. Whatevs. She's got a black jacket draped over her shoulders. I am not liking the coat this time.

JoJo is talking to Derek first. They are all blah blah "passion", blah blah "looked in your damn eyes," etc. He's just pulled out the "I'm absolutely falling for you" card. Oh please. I hate you, Derek. The "real feelings I feel are when we're frickin' sitting together" are not moving me. Whatever. Nice phrasing, Derek. You're a tool. I trust nothing you say.

Come on, Chase. Tell her you're falling for her or you're gone, man!!!

JoJo asked Chase what's on his mind. He's not saying enough. She's saying she didn't feel like he was giving much back when she told him last week that she has feelings for him. Tell her now, Chase. PLEASE. He's not saying it. Chase. PLEASE. He's just looking at her stupidly. All he has to say is, "I'm sorry I wasn't effusive* enough before. But please know I'm falling for you. You're beautiful and perfect and I see a future with you." That's all you have to say and Derek is gone. Please. She doesn't want to keep him. She wants you. Pleeeeeeaaaase.

(*Yes, I know no bachelor contestant in history would use the word 'effusive' but something to that effect would, of course, also work.)

Commercial cliffhanger. I don't think he's gonna get it together. I really do not.

They're back. She's saying, "You're scared." (I want a peanut butter sandwich right now. I don't know why. Maybe it was that Planters commercial I just saw as I fast-forwarded.) She just put her arm around him. Seriously, Chase, just say it. Noooo. You need to say it more than that, you stuttering fool. I beg you.

Whew. He said something. They're kissing now. There was tongue.

Honestly, despite the tongue, I'm not sure he said enough. But I'm hoping HER feelings for HIM are strong enough to pick him.

She's handing out the rose... and it's going to... thank god! Chase pulled it out. Whew. Sorry, jerk Derek. Your time here is done. Goodbye.

(So, to review, I'd like to point out that I predicted last week that Wells and Derek would be the next to go. I was right.)

Derek is in the limo squeezing out fake sorrow. "I thought I was enough. But I'm not. I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." I disagree, Derek, you are perfect. You are a perfect loser who refers to himself in the third person.

"Don't cry for me Argentina! The truth is, I never left you... All through my wild days, my mad existence, I kept my promise; don't keep your distance..." hahahahahahahaha. I don't know if it's the wine or the editing, but I am getting a lot of enjoyment from the cuts between Derek fake crying in the limo and JoJo and Chase kissing on the dance floor whilst a lady sings "Don't Cry for me Argentina" in Spanish. hahahaha. I love it. Suck it, Derek, you John Krasinski wannabe!

Ok, let's get to the rose ceremony already. Not sure how many she's cutting today, but Alex and James Taylor are surely the next to go. Thus spake Zarathustra. (In this instance, I am Zarathustra.)

JoJo doesn't know what she's going to do. (Ok, so it turns out one person is slated to be cut as "there are four of us and three roses.")

JoJo's dress, it must be noted, is gorgeous. It's a mermaid cut blue gown with a sparkly edge up near the boobs. She looks beautiful. This dress is legit the best part of the episode.

Jordan has pulled JoJo aside and is giving his Hail Mary speech to her. He's talking about his feelings. She is buying it. (Fool to her.) I don't think he's that attractive. If I were to rank the looks of the guys at this point (face only), I'd go Alex/Luke (depending on the angle), Chase, James, Jordan, Robby.

James is talking about "getting there" with falling for JoJo. But I'm not sure that's enough. She probably wants him to be there already. Idk.

Meanwhile, is there significance to the fact that the camera is barely showing Robby in this whole episode? I hope so, because I don't prefer him, either. (Ok, let's just put it out there: I don't like most of these guys. And by "most" I mean "any"...)

As I drain a final half-glass of pinot, JoJo is about to hand out her roses. JoJo is talking about her confusion. Blah blah. James Taylor thinks he's the best guy for her there. Ok, you know what? I agree with that. Which means he's definitely toast.

Again, dude, there's a shot of all the guys and I'm noticing how Alex is teeny tiny.

Ok, rose time (finally).

Recipients: Robby (ugh. Whyyyyy?), Jordan (I typed that about 12 seconds before she said it because I knew he was getting one). Now...what to do? James Taylor or Alex? (I know from the previews that she doesn't want to give it out...she's about to walk off stage. Nice music, though. Sounds a bit like Vivaldi's Winter.) JoJo is crying at the bottom of the stairs. She feels sick to her stomach. Chris is, presumably, talking her through it. Hahaha. She doesn't want James Taylor OR Alex. They're both gone.

Oh BOO. That was a total fake out.

Chris just arrived with TWO roses which means she's giving it to BOTH of them.

This show sucks my ass. I hate it so hard.

So, in sum, they're all staying. This rose ceremony was entirely POINTLESS. This show was entirely pointless. JoJo feels like she can go to bed tonight and know that she didn't make a mistake. Meanwhile, I'm feeling that irony from earlier in that I feel like I'm going to bed tonight knowing that I made a terrible mistake. In watching this show tonight. (Or ever, for that matter.)

Previews for next week show JoJo making out with everyone. Talk of hometowns. Robby thinks he's the front-runner (obviously he hasn't seen her making out with Luke, either.) God, this show sucks.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 5: Too Much Boring; Missing Chad Drama

I'm blogging a day late. But luckily, because of the magic of DVR, I can watch tonight. Sitting on my couch whilst holding a cup of coffee (it's too late in the day for coffee but since I didn't get to drink any this morning, I don't even care) and my lovely oldest daughter cuddled up against me for the first couple minutes until my husband makes her come up to bed. Or she gets bored with the show because, let's face it, it's not that entertaining to an 8 year old. At least, I hope it isn't.

As for me--and I can't believe I'm about to write this--I kinda missed the show last week. Yikes. What have I become? I blame Chad. (What? Everyone else blames him for everything. Why can't I?)

Ok, let's get started. (My daughter was called to bed already. The only thing she got to see is me writing seven different versions of the second sentence of this entry and a flash of Chad frozen on screen. It's for the best.)

The episode is beginning with a recap of the Chad situation that was built up and came to a head two weeks back. Including JoJo saying, "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you." Ouch.

So apparently all of this business is taking place in Nemocolin, PA. I had no clue they were in my home state. I thought they were in Tennessee. Oopsies.

The dudes are back at the house having a protein powder funeral for Chad, because that's the kind of losers they have in the house this season. They're throwing the powder about as though it's ashes whilst Chad, unbeknownst to them, is whistling his serial-killer tune walking through the forest back toward them. "Death to tyrants," one of them says. (Pretty sure it was Wells. What kind of name is Wells?) Then there's a cut to Robby who is all, "See ya, never ever ever ever ever again." Uh, Robby, haven't you seen this show before? Even if Chad wasn't stalking through the forest to confront your ass, you'd still see him at the Men-Tell-All show before the finale. Duh. Everyone knows that.

And suddenly, right on cue, Chad's at the house. The dudes seem like they're acting as if they don't know he's been cut. Or something. Jordan is trying to be a peacemaker; he just fake apologized and would like Chad to fake apologize back. Naturally, Chad will not. Dan the Dick, Chad's only "friend", cannot be bothered to stop eating his bowl of soup or cereal or whatever. Nice guy. I used to be friends with people like him. Never ends well, but is no great loss in the scheme of things. Ah well. Live and learn, Chad. Now Evan asks if Chad has his wallet because he still owes Evan a shirt. Dude, Evan, get the eff over it. All Chad will give Evan is a joke about Evan's "dick" job. And--WHOA--a whopping punch in his face. Oh man! Evan is bleeding all over the place. This is BARBARIC. The other guys are just watching and doing nothing. Robby and that All-4-One guy are crying in a corner, they're so scared of Chad.

Oh wait. I just made up that stuff. After the joke about Evan's job, Chad just leaves. Thanks for the tease, ABC, of something *actually* happening, when in fact nothing at all happened. Anti-climax much? (Yes.)

Now there's a cut to JoJo and Alex kissing. Sorry, but I just don't feel like she's that into him. I think she gave Alex the rose to stick it to Chad, not because she really wanted Alex to have it. The one-on-one time they had together is so insignificant that the editors didn't even bother showing any of it. All of Alex's time went to Chad. This is so lame.

Alex just returned from his date. He is the group's hero. They have him up on their shoulders. They're calling him Dragon Slayer. This couldn't be dumber. (You know how I said I missed this show last week? I changed my mind. I UNmiss it now.)

Great news, everyone! Chad is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. He's in the promo. (I'm NOT watching that show. Even I have television standards, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

Oh look, the commercial is over. Looks like JoJo might be doing a rose ceremony or something. Oh, it's a cocktail party. Evan just said he feels like JoJo sending Chad home sends the message she's really in this for real, and that all the remaining guys are in it for the right reasons and there's good energy in the house and whatnot. Uh, Evan? You're an idiot. Chad being gone changes nothing. Except making the show less exciting.

Chase pulls JoJo aside to bounce around in giant bubbles. I wish I was making that up.

Robby thinks his relationship with JoJo is more advanced than other ones. He has her make a wish and alludes to a ring in 6 weeks. JoJo pretends she doesn't know how to toss a penny in a fountain. "Uh, how do I do this exactly?" Maybe she took one to the head whilst bouncing around in balls a few minutes ago.

Dudes are all "uh oh" Robby is kissing JoJo. I don't care.

Side-Profile (Luke) goes over to confer with Shortie (Alex) about whether they should try to seek out time to talk with JoJo at the cocktail party since they both already have roses. Alex was all "screw everyone. I'm getting time." Man code OFF. 

James F reads a poem to JoJo. Alex, mercifully, interrupts. But still gets almost no time. Because he's boring, too.

Luke interrupts Dan (whose "job," I just noticed, is listed as "Canadian." Interesting.)

Oh look. Now the dudes are missing Chad. Especially the huge losers. Before, they had a "common enemy" in him but now they realize he's gone and other guys are suddenly like, oh, now I only have myself to blame for not getting time with JoJo. Perhaps the realization that all the smack talk Chad hurled at them was accurate.

JoJo and Jordan are making out on the other side of a wall from where the guys are sitting. Classy.

Time for roses. There are 8 to give out. Jordan, Luke, and Alex already have one. Evan is "disconcerted" that things seem so cut-throat. I don't know what he thought this experience was going to be. Ah well. His days are numbered anyway. Soon he'll have plenty of time to go shopping to replace his torn shirt.

Derek, Robby, Chase get roses. Wells is asking himself if he's done enough with the time he's had. My vote is no, he hasn't. Unless being a whining baby and leading the protein powder brigade counts as an effective use of one's time. But JoJo disagrees because Wells gets a rose. Ew. As does Grant, Vinny, James Taylor, and Evan. That means James F (the boxer dude) and Dan the Dick have been axed. At least Dan can go back to his hard work as a Canadian. As Dan walks out, he remarks that JoJo is obviously picking men based on personality (he confesses his is shit) and not on looks. According to him, if it was about looks, he'd still be there for sure. First off, no you wouldn't. You aren't attractive. You resemble a rodent. Secondly, I should hope she IS picking based on personality. Sheesh. His parting words were some horrible analogy about shaving his face. Stupid to the end. Well played, Dan.

JoJo announces the remaining men and she are headed to Uruguay. Wow. Pennsylvania AND Uruguay? ABC is really pulling out all the stops this season...

JoJo is walking the beaches. She values trust. Ooh. I love that pensive coffee-drinking-staring-thoughtfully-out-the-hotel-window outfit! White slacks, navy sweater trimmed in orange. Love it!

Jordan just got the first one-on-one in Uruguay. Oh look. The men are totes being bad sports about the dude they view as their number one competition. They remark on his hair flip. Say he's there to get another stamp on his passport. Claim he's not there for the right reasons. Claim they don't trust him. Standard flop for anyone feeling threatened.

While JoJo and Jordan are making out and looking at seals, Vinny the barber gives Alex a trim, and the men read tabloid magazines about JoJo. Ooh. I hope they ask her about the rags! That would go over SO well. She'd love hearing that they put some credence in claims that she was still dating her ex-boyfriend throughout the taping of The Bachelor (Ben's season).

Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex will be going on a group date. But they're all worried about this stupid magazine article they read. Ok, really, WHY would they believe anything they read in one of those magazines? Sigh. Also, how did they even get the article? Isn't that frowned upon? Not allowed? Aren't they supposed to be cut off from the real world? The producers probably gave it to them because there's nothing interesting happening with Chad gone. (Seriously. They probably did. Watch UnReal on Lifetime and you'll see what I mean...)

JoJo apparently talked to a girl who used to date Jordan who told her that Jordan isn't a good boyfriend. She's asking him about it. He looks kinda pissed. He's drinking to stall. He's running his hand through his hair. He's blaming it on sports. She asked him, "Was there cheating?" and he quite quickly said, "No," and then she said, "I wish I could read your mind" and he said, "I'm not really thinking anything." Um, weird. Yet she seems satisfied with his answers. When he told her earlier in the day that he was falling in love with her, it made her heart skip a beat. He has earned a date rose. She is super into him.

JoJo is really happy when she returns to the hotel talking about her date with Jordan that was "pure magic" and says, "I'm so happy. I don't think anything could take away this feeling." The producers are all, "Is that a dare?" and gave her the magazine article. She's crying. She hates her bitter ex-boyfriend. She puts on a big, long sweater-robe and heads up to talk to the guys. She's crying again. She's explaining to them, reassuring them that she's here for the right reasons.

I'm bored. There's still almost an hour left.

EEEEEW. Robby and Jordan are at the spa. They're talking about the JoJo magazine thing again. I really don't want to see their feet as they get pedicures. Jordan is eating the cucumbers from his eyes. What a tool.

While those two get pretty, JoJo channels her inner Mad Max on the desert dunes. Sand surfing. It looks brutal. Evan predicts he's getting another bloody nose today. I would hate this date. I HATE sand.

A date card arrives back at the hotel after the spa day has ended. It would be SO hilarious if it wasn't for Robby. But there's no one else there so of course it's for him. But I wish it wasn't. I don't like Robby. He's, like, greasy. I don't know what other word to use to describe him.

The men from the sand date are chatting with JoJo. Derek is being a whiny baby. I just realized I don't like any of these men. I need to see her with Chase again, because I liked him with her on that one-on-one date, but that was weeks ago and today he did that idiocy with the bubbles, so...

Let's review:

James-- eh. He's a nice guy. I could live with him winning, but he won't.
Evan, Wells, Derek-- whiny babies
Vinny-- don't know him, but has no real chance
Alex--smarmy (but, admittedly, he has a handsome face; he also appears to be growing out some kind of beard and it kinda works on him just as well as the clean-shaven look)
Robby--greasy nerd alert
Me--hungry; would like a snack

Alex doesn't like Derek. He's giving off a "vibe of insecurity"-- YES! Agreed.  Alex is talking to JoJo now, talking about how real this is and how great. But...nope. Her face tells me she's not feeling him at all. Yes, she kissed him but I think it was more to shut him up. 

Oh no. She just gave cry-baby Derek the rose because, as Alex put it, "he's an insecure little bitch."

JoJo and Robby are on a boring date. I don't care about it. There was a dog. Some sandwiches. Some rock climbing. Kisses. Blerg. Her shorty shorts have a very annoying string across the back. Someone needs to cut that off. It's distracting. Robby and JoJo (in matching aqua shoes! Twinsies!) jump off a cliff into the water. They both surfaced, even though I'm drowning in my own drool because I've fallen asleep because NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Robby is telling camera how he loves JoJo (already????) and is pondering whether to tell her. I vote no, Rob. Too soon. I sense he will ignore me.

The men are giving Derek shit about JoJo's wording that she gave him the date rose for "reassurance." Alex has clearly stepped into the alpha role that Chad formerly held. No wonder Alex worked so hard to oust Chad.

This episode sucks. JoJo's date with Robby is brutal to watch. I don't mean to be rude since Robby is sad about the story he's sharing with her (how he lost his BFF in a freak accident last year and now he's all about living life to the fullest because tomorrow isn't sure) but it feels so scripted. He ended up telling her he loves her. He got a rose. There were fireworks (literally--they watched them from the beach). She can see herself falling in love with him. I can see myself up in bed.

Men walking through pouring rain for their cocktail party. The interior of the hotel (or wherever they've set up for tonight's shindig) is lovely.

Derek asks to talk to Alex, Robby, Jordan, and Chase and wants to "slough this negativity off" of him. You know what's good for that? A loofah. Instead, he's using his words. They don't work. The guys still seem pretty negative toward him. The loofah would've been a stronger choice.

Of the people who don't have a rose, I'd like to see Wells, Evan, and Alex gone first. In that order. Like the other guys, I wish Derek didn't have a rose.

Chris Harrison just arrived to deliver fantastic news (fantastic for me because I've just about had it with this episode; quite startling and scary for the dudes): JoJo doesn't want a cocktail party tonight. Eff yeah! AND 3 dudes will be cut tonight. Sweeeeet. Let's move this shiz along, shall we?

I was just going to speculate which three guys I think she'll cut, but I actually think it'll be the 3 I'd like to see go. Vinny and Grant are on borrowed time, too, though. If they make it through tonight, they're the next to go. Aw, Evan wants to be "a frickin' frontrunner." That's LOL-worthy.

Loving the green evening gown JoJo is sporting tonight. She "knows in her gut" the decisions she needs to make. So here's the keepers: Luke (no surprise), Chase, Alex (dammit!), James, and Wells. (WHHHHHHYYYYYY!?)

Oh well. Doesn't matter. Next time, Alex and Wells will go.

Evan is crying. He's worried the store won't have a shirt in his preferred color. Grant "doesn't get it" and thinks JoJo made a big mistake. Vinny is bummed, but he doesn't truly care. Even though he's crying, too. I like his tie. Hmm. Still crying. Perhaps he cares more than I thought. But I predict he'll get over it fast once he's away from the camera.

The previews for the upcoming episodes look eventful. Which probably means they'll be as terribly dull as tonight's episode. Still, JoJo's blue gown next week is stunning. I want it for my very own. In other news, looks like JoJo falls for someone who will hurt her. Poor JoJo. Maybe we should stop watching now. If only...

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 3 Part 2 (Aka Episode 4): There will be blood

Just got back from my daughter's open house at school. I had the brilliant idea that we should walk to the school instead of driving. On the way there, I congratulated myself for a splendid plan. On the way back, I cursed my stupidity.

As I now curse this show.

But let's do this thing. By "this thing" I mean my overview of "the dramatic Bachelorette two night television event."

Chad comes back in from his talk with Chris Harrison. He addresses the group of men in his version of smoothing things over. He basically tells them he's not trying to start shit with them, and everything will be okay as long as they leave him alone. Evan tells Chad that he wants an apology and a new shirt. Chad tells Evan he'll give him 20 bucks. Evan looks affronted. His shirt was obviously $22. Then Wells (sans All-4-One) tries to jump in and explain that the men are scared there will be violence. Chad tells them there will be no attacks, as long as they don't attack him. James Taylor plays peacemaker and the men call it a day.

JoJo arrives for the pool party. Some dork is swimming in a full suit. He thinks he's funny but it's just lame. The men have chicken fights, and do a slightly cool-looking side dive series into the pool. At which point Evan comes up bloodied. You know what this means? It means those bastards edited footage before to make it look like Chad bloodied up Evan, and we've all been made fools of. No matter--the men and JoJo blame Chad anyway for sport.

JoJo and Jordan sneak away. JoJo is nervous because she can see herself falling for him but she's not sure he likes her as much as she likes him. She tells him. He's thrown off. They kiss. Rando hummingbird shot.

Robby sits with JoJo. We don't get the conversation, but he kisses her. He's boring. He has no shot.

JoJo remarks that even Chad seems to be in a good mood and she doesn't see the bad side of him now. She tells him she didn't like how he acted the other night (when he asked her if she was serious about Evan) and he weakly explains his comment. He doesn't understand where he fits in/what he's doing there if JoJo likes someone like Evan. It's like trying to figure out what restaurant she wants to go to, he explains. Does she want steak or ice cream? Two opposite ends of the spectrum.

Evan comes and interrupts. Honestly, I hate Evan. He's such a whiner.

Then they cut to Alex who is also talking crap on Chad. (I also don't like Alex anymore. He's too preoccupied with the Chad situation that it seems like he's losing sight of the JoJo objective.) Then they cut to Derek (hate him now, also) who is telling JoJo about how he changed rooms to get away from Chad and that security is in the house because of "that situation."

Chad overhears and is not happy. He doesn't like that people keep talking about him. He's concerned JoJo is just going to send him home on the say-so of everyone else.

He pulls Derek aside and starts off, "Look, I don't know what guy like me stole your girlfriend or whatever, but it wasn't me, okay? I have no problem with you, I didn't do anything to you..." etc etc. Although it's an egotistical speech, there may be something to what he's saying. Then again, we need to account for the editing of this show. Even if Chad is being painted the villain and they're editing it to make it seem worse than it is, there's still, like, NO ONE in the house who likes him. There's probably something to that, too. Meanwhile, all the guys in the other room move closer to where Derek and Chad are talking so they can eavesdrop.

Derek tells Chad it's just this sort of thing that is causing the issue in the house -- he says that Chad keeps coming at him and other people. Chad says he didn't do that. Derek said a bullshit phrase I hate: "perception is reality." I'm done with this conversation. Evidently, so is Chad who walks away.

After a commercial break (during which time I headed to the kitchen for a bowl of Special K Red Berries with unsweetened vanilla coconut almond milk--mmm), JoJo arrives and it's the rose ceremony. Already. At 24 minutes in. Um, what else does this episode entail? I know James Taylor still has to bleed...but do we need more than 90 minutes for it?

Anyway, the rose ceremony. Before I watch it (I hit pause), I must think this through. What will JoJo do? She could cut Chad loose. After all, lots of the suitors are telling her Chad is trouble. Moreover, she's even witnessed some of his negative behavior herself. In a way, that's uncharacteristic since usually these villainous characters hide their unsavory stuff from the Rose-Giver for a long time. Still, usually the troublemakers hang around until week 5 or 6. And this is only week 3/4 (in one). So based on that, I think she'll keep Chad around for one more week/episode. Let's press play and see if I'm right.

Remember that James Taylor, Chase, and crybaby ED Evan already have roses from their dates.

During this ceremony, JoJo gives roses to: Grant, Derek (boo!), Jordan, Luke the whiner, Robby (still think he's on borrowed time), Wells (ugh), James F, Vinny, Daniel (ew), Alex.

There's only one left. Who will get it??? Santa, Eyebrows, Christian, and Chad are left. And it goes to....Chad. Damn, I'm good.

JoJo tells the guys that they are going to leave the drama behind and leave the mansion. They're going on location to...somewhere. There's clip of JoJo making out with Luke, Jordan, and Robby.

Ah, they arrive at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort. I don't know where that is, but it looks lovely. I realize I could google it, but I don't care enough to bother.

There's a date card. Getting right down to things (thankfully): "Luke, I like you very mush." Luke is looking forward to his "unbelievable day" and he "has butterflies." They're in a dog sled. But it's on wheels because there's no snow. So a dog cart? Those poor dogs. Oh, I just got the mush clue because it's traveling by dog sled. Whatever. That's dumb.

Now Like has to chop some wood for their hot tub. JoJo has him strip down. "He's in impeccable shape," says JoJo. She and Luke are coordinating in their blue bathing suits. When JoJo goes to get into the hot tub, she burns her foot. That seems about right.

After a commercial break, Luke gets into the tub himself and he clearly doesn't find the temperature as obscene as she does. He lifts her in and she still thinks it's too hot. Eventually she gets in with him.

Luke just ended a sentence in "at" and then poured his champagne directly into his gullet. Ugh. Still, JoJo doesn't seem to notice because he's "GQ model" esque. He's rugged. Sexy. Mysterious. JoJo wants to know how he got to be who he is. Luke tells his story in a gravelly voice that makes me want to clear my throat so he will, too. JoJo likes it. I'm not feeling it. It isn't that he doesn't seem genuine--he does--it just felt flat to me. I'm sorry, Luke. I'm not currently Team Luke. Luckily for Luke, JoJo IS Team Luke. They kiss on stage in front of an audience as Dan + Shay sings some song. I don't know this musical act either. This whole date is a snooze for me.

Meanwhile, another date card arrives at the mansion. Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Grant, Evan, Jordan, Robby "We. Could. Go. All. The. Way." The guys going on the date are happy. Alex and Chad are the only two not on the card. The men assume that Alex and Chad will be going on a 2-on-1 date with JoJo, which usually means that one of the two of them won't return from that date. Alex has deemed it a "good versus evil" situation, and is convinced he'll come out on top. Chad is muscular.

The group date is taking place at Heinz Field. Oh great. It's a football date. There's real football people there. I'm not bothering about spelling their names or even caring who they are. I'm already completely disinterested in this date. There's ball throwing. There's hair tossing (by the men). There's running. James Taylor is bleeding from the eye! The medic wants him to get stitches but James doesn't want to leave so he toughs it out.

Back at the mansion, Luke, Alex, and Chad have an awkward exchange. Snooze.

Back on the field, the losers play ball. Evan gets a bloody nose. Again. That's two in one episode. What a tool. And Chad isn't there to blame this time, even in jest.

Some team won. Blue. I believe their team name is Bloody Tools. White is whining in the locker room. They're the Whiny Tools. They go back to the house and cry some more about it. Boo hoo hoo.

The winners go out with JoJo for a cocktail party. JoJo claims today was one of the most fun days she's ever had in her entire life. To me, that's a sad state of affairs.

Robby is chatting with JoJo and they're annoying me. Robby's bedroom voice is also gravelly. He lifts her onto the pool table. JoJo remarks that there's something in Robby that's going to blow her away. Interesting word choice, JoJo.

Now she's kissing Derek. Now she's kissing James Taylor's boo boo. And now his lips. Now she's talking to Jordan about how he's hard to read. She wants him to open up more. Better get on it, Jordan. Glad we had that talk--Jordan listened to me. He tells her that he feels like he's falling for her. Now they're kissing, too. Now she's going to hand out a date rose. I'm gonna guess Robby because of the blowing away bit. Ooh. I was wrong. It was Jordan. Oh who cares?

Date card has arrived. It is, indeed, a double date. Either Alex or Chad will be going home. Luke is trying to play interviewer and it falls flat. "Chad, if you are sent home, why do you think that is?" he asks. Chad does what he does best: starts talking shit and threatens to fight people. Chad offers to fight Alex. Then Grant. Then anyone who has a problem with him. Alex reminds the other guys the bad energy will end the next day.

I'm going to be miffed if we don't get the rose ceremony on this episode. Which means of course this won't be resolved tonight.

Ooh. Chad just told Jordan he will find Jordan at his house after this whole thing ends. You know, to kick Jordan's ass. Sigh. Chad needs to stop trying to fight everyone. He needs to just chill.

Alex finishes putting on his patriotic knee high socks and re-joins the group. The guys are all sitting on the couch and they tell Alex how Chad just threatened Jordan. They all laugh. Then Chad walks in the room, sits on a chair behind them without saying anything, and they all stop talking. It's tres awkward. Wow. Crickets. Tres awkward. Chad's facial expression is chilling. Evan might get a bloody nose if he looks at it...

On the date--they are hiking in the woods!--JoJo tells the camera she feels sick. Me too, JoJo. She says she has felt instant chemistry with Chad and although there's drama with it, there's also a soft side to him that she likes. On the other hand, there's Alex. She likes Alex, but she's not sure if she's ready to take it to the next level. In other words, she doesn't feel anything with Alex.

Basically, if Chad can manage to keep his shit together on this date and not start a fight or get goaded into anything, he has a very real chance of getting this rose.

JoJo steals Alex away for a chat. But not about her relationship with Alex, of course. No, she wants to talk about Chad.

Uh oh. Alex just told JoJo all the whack crap Chad has done, including that recent threat against her boyfriend Jordan. JoJo is now concerned and has to figure out who Chad really is.

She pulls Chad away for some alone time and confronts Chad with what Alex just told her. JoJo is not happy with Chad's (lame) responses. She's going off alone to "think." Methinks Chad has run out of chances. I don't see her letting it go. Oh wait. She's trying to talk herself into keeping him, using the fact that his mom died 6 months ago to excuse some of his outbursts. No, no JoJo. Don't do that. You'll kick yourself later.

Meanwhile, while JoJo is working to convince herself that Chad is a wounded bird, he's approaching Alex menacingly, whistling a scary Mockingjay-esque whistle after having just told the camera, "I asked Alex to stop talking about me, to just leave me out of it. But he didn't listen. So now there's only one thing to do..." Fade to black. Ten mins left of this epi. Will a decision get made? Will Chad attack Alex?

Chad joins Alex back on the blanket. Alex and Chad sit in silence. Chad breaks the silence to tell Alex he isn't very happy with Alex. "I'm not mad," he says, "I'm just disappointed." There's a weird gleam in his eye, as though he just made a joke. Alex is stoic. Then Chad adds how he'd like to hurt Alex. Alex tells Chad all the reasons he finds Chad terrible, and Chad attempts once more to say people have misjudged him and have attacked him, etc.

JoJo interrupts. She picks up the rose. She asks Chad point-blank if he threatened people in the house. He tries to hedge. "I mean, like, I may have said stuff that wasn't a good idea..." Alex contradicts Chad, setting the record straight about what, exactly, Chad said. Chad claims he only said that stuff in defense because they pushed him. JoJo is done with this shiznaz. Basically, she tells him she doesn't believe he is who he's been with her, and she has no room for a person who solves issues through violence and threats. Then she gives the rose to Alex and they get outta there fast while Chad stands pacing and looking flummoxed.

The producer person goes back to the resort to fetch Chad's bag to banish him. The dudes in the house are doing shots. Chad is still walking through the woods whistling like a psycho.

There's a scene of JoJo and Alex cuddling by a fire, interspersed with flashes to Chad roaming the now-darkening forest still whistling and finally arriving to a door. He knocks and it turns out he's made his way back to the resort where his non-friends and now-former competitors are staying. They look terrified at the prospect of him being there. He claws at the door.

And then the scenes from the next show--two weeks hence--show JoJo crying, sobbing how she "hates him" (the him in question is not divulged at this time); Chad pointing his finger at Jordan; a confrontation at the resort; JoJo being comforted by someone and not wanting any of the guys to leave and saying they need to know what's going on...or some such. It sounds scary.

I know they're big on the false editing (all the blood from tonight's episode is proof enough of that), but who knows? Maybe the guys weren't being babies before. Maybe Chad really IS that crazy. I guess we'll see. Until then...

Monday, June 6, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 3, Part 1 -- Everyone really REALLY hates Chad

I'm about to start watching the third episode of Season JoJo. I'll admit I'm kinda pissed that this week the network is subjecting us to not one, but two 2-hour episodes. It's simply more Bachelorette than anyone needs in a given week.

The DVR episode summary reads: One lucky bachelor enjoys a day of hot yoga with JoJo and a private performance from country star Charles Kelley. Also: one suitor creates chaos when he announces he doesn't want to go on the group date; 12 guys visit an LA theater where they are required to share stories about their sex lives in front of a live audience; and JoJo takes one bachelor swing dancing and to Lover's Lane.

Pre-show thoughts: Hot yoga? Sounds more like a punishment than a reward. I don't know who Charles Kelley is. I'm sure it's Chad who creates chaos (although I must say, I hope he actually refuses to go on the group date instead of just complaining about it. I'd love to see how that would go over!) Sharing stories about their sex lives? Keepin' it classy, ABC.

Ok. Let's do this. (I went ahead and passed by all the preview shite. Ain't nobody got time for that.)

They're in the mansion and... there's a literal snore-fest to start off. Foreshadowing much?

The house is a pigsty. There's plates of meat everywhere. Someone is remarking that the mess of the place parallels how Chad is still around when so many other, better guys got sent home. Evan makes a funny and says Chad has two sides of him: a douche and an asshole. Ah, feeling the love.

Chris Harrison has arrived to explain that there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date this week. Chris looks nice in blue. He should wear it more often. Too bad his looking good doesn't make him any more relevant or necessary to the show. Oh wait-- they just cut to him cleaning up toilet paper. Janitorial services are part of the contract.

Chase gets the first one-on-one. I'm having trouble figuring out who Chase it. Oh, Chase is one of the dudes who didn't have a date last week. He and JoJo are doing hot yoga. Chase hopes he's wearing enough deodorant. The struggle is real.

The yoga instructor is telling them their yogic experience is going to be intimate and asks how long they've been intimate. There's some awkward giggles since they've only known each other a week. This is starting off so well. And it just keeps getting better since now the yoga instructor is showing them how to "anger-gasm." (I'm not making this up. That's legit what she just called it. On national television.) First, they grunt "hey hey hey hey" whilst thrusting their pelvic areas. Then they have a mini tantrum on the floor. Yeah. Wow. Another classic Bachelorette date for the books.

They cut back to the mansion where Chad and Dan are working out looking like even bigger tools than the anger-gasmers.

JoJo said she wants to die of embarrassment. Me, too, JoJo. This whole thing is incredibly embarrassing to witness.

Now the yoga instructor has brought in a partner to demonstrate the next move. They're doing this super intimate yoga pose (called Yab Yum or some shit) wherein JoJo is straddling Chase. Intense gazes, very close bodies. The way he's looking at her is sort of hot, I'm not gonna lie. He definitely looks like he wants to kiss her. Aaaaand-- ooh! Called that one! They're kissing. I support that kiss. In fact, I would rate that the best kiss I've watched on the program so far. It looked the most natural and intimate and heart-felt. So much so I had to look away to give them some privacy. When I glanced back, I found I wasn't the only one...the yoga instructors disappeared, too.

After showering (I hope!) JoJo and Chase have dinner and enjoy a nice getting-to-know-you conversation about Chase's parents' history and what he's looking for in life and a life partner. He wants to find the right person and be all one-and-done. JoJo likes what he's saying. She feels a connection, sees a potential future. Chase, my friend, I'm rooting for you. You've impressed me, too. Not surprisingly, she grants him the date rose and they enjoy a private concert given by the country singer I don't know.

Back at the mansion, the next date card arrives. Eyebrows reads off the names. It's pretty much everyone in the room. Specifically, Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali (Eyebrows), Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad -- "Love has no secrets" it says. Especially not on this show, amiright?

Robby laments, wishing his name was on that date card. Chad counters saying he doesn't want to go on a group date. The men are all over that. Jordan tells him that's pretty much what this competition is. Other guys tell him it's disrespectful to say that stuff. When Evan offers to get a Sharpie to cross off Chad's name, Chad basically tells him to shut up.

Someone tries to diffuse the awkwardness by saying that if they have to be a team on this date, they will need to work together. Jordan makes a crack insinuating that Chad is stupid. Homey don't play that and shit gets intense kind of fast. Chad lobs one at Jordan: "You're a 27 year old failed football player." He tells him the only thing he's ever done is hurl around some leather. Alex, who hates Chad, says something (I don't recall his wording, but it was another Chad insult) so Chad lobs one at Alex whom he calls a "25 year old asshole" and tells him he'll need more tattoos to look tough. Then Chad tries to stare down Alex who appears completely unfazed, even as Chad asks if anyone wants to "go."

As if on cue, my husband breaks the tension by texting at this moment to ask if I want something from Starbucks. As a matter of fact, yes. I am trying the new vanilla sweet cream cold brew. Stay tuned.

Fresh back from commercial break. In the limos on the way to the group date, Chad is still bitching about how there's "too many dudes" and Alex is still saying how Chad is a douche. They're not in the same limo, and Alex's limo is plotting how they want to bring something up to set off Chad so he'll show his "true colors" to JoJo. Yeah. That sounds like it's going to go well... oy.

Ok, so the limo pulls up to this theater. JoJo doesn't tell them what sort of show they're going to see. It's a lady having (faking? really not sure.) an orgasm. The men look uncomfortable. Chad rolls his eyes in a manner that pretty much sums up how not into this whole scene he is. Jordan looks like this may be the first O he's ever witnessed. Some other guys just don't know what to make of it. Honestly, it's terrible.

Side note: I think Ali may have trimmed up his eyebrows a bit. Just in the middle. They seem slightly less outta control than before.

The guys find out that they're about to go on stage and share their own "crazy sex stories." James F (I think?) talks to camera and tells his mom to turn off the TV and never turn it back on. I kinda wish I could follow the same directions.

My husband has returned bearing my drink. It is DELICIOUS. Sadly, I got a grande and slurped it down and now I'm without it as I suffer through this ridiculousness. This spectacle is one of the things I hate about the show. It's like making women prance around in bikinis. The men need to talk about their sexual past on stage to strangers? NO. I would never do that, and I would never ask someone to do it. I would refuse to be part of the whole thing. They don't even know JoJo yet. And yet they're expected to share private details about their sex lives with not only her but a national audience? No way. No. Way.

What's this? Now Chad is saying the same thing. He just said sex is something you keep to yourself. JoJo hasn't earned that yet (getting to know his sexual history, etc). His life is his business. Wow. My feelings for Chad are complex. I am very turned off by his overall attitude and behavior. However, he says SO MANY THINGS I agree with, at least inasmuch as the show is concerned. I'm torn.

You know what? I'm not going to watch that part. On principle. I'm fast-forwarding through it. I can see JoJo is laughing. Someone is sticking out his tongue as though simulating...licking something... someone took off some clothes. Yeah, no.

Now Evan is up. I'm going to watch his because he was plotting beforehand, saying how he was going to goad Chad into reacting in the audience. Alex is salivating as Evan starts out. Evan is talking about the dangers of steroid use and 'roid rage. Chad's temple is throbbing. People are looking around to see how Chad is reacting. When Evan came back to sit down in the audience, Chad pulled Evan's shirt. Pretty sure it ripped. JoJo is quite turned off by the violence she witnessed.

Now it's Chad's turn. He brings JoJo up on stage and says today isn't about the past, it's about the future. Then he leans in for a kiss. JoJo gave him her cheek. Yikes. Alex yells "crash and burn, dude!" Chad does a mic drop. JoJo is disappointed he's not saying more. I have respect for him that he didn't tell a crazy sex story, but he shouldn't have grabbed Evan's shirt right before he went up on stage.

After the show, Chad goes in the back, punches a wall, then threatens to kill Evan ("you're gonna die, dude"). Dan--Chad's best friend in the house!-- tells Chad to calm down and that it was in good fun.

Here's some thoughts. First off, I've lost major respect for Alex. I know that Chad is an ass and bringing down an ass can feel good, but he's lowering himself to Chad's level and that's no good. Secondly, Evan was all, "It's all in fun. I was doing comedy!" but he's full of shit, too. He set out to goad and enrage Chad. He didn't do it all in fun. I'm not saying Chad didn't have it coming to him (he's been an asshat to the other guys and was playing games with them, too, all last week and ongoing), but I am saying don't be a liar, ED Evan. Finally, Chad needs to get himself under control or he's going home. Or to jail.

The mood around the round-table (with JoJo) after the event is awkward. JoJo has her one-on-one conversations with the guys.

Starts with Jordan. He just said "where I'm at." Ugh. That is my number one language pet peeve. The word AT is completely unnecessary in that sentence. Just leave it off. Please, for the love of god, stop ending sentences with the word AT. It needs to STOP.

Just like the montage of these conversations. Sigh.

Chad just went to interrupt a conversation but JoJo was having NONE OF IT. But Chad didn't really go far away. So JoJo and whatever unimportant dude with whom she was conversing had to leave the area. Chad returns to the other guys, and Vinny is trying to chat him up. Chad is telling his version of events as to what happened earlier (according to Chad, he tried to tell Evan to let him get out before Evan sat down, but Evan barrelled right past him which is why Chad grabbed Evan's shirt. Also, Chad doesn't care that Evan made those steroid jokes. Also, Chad only retaliates; he doesn't start shit. He doesn't want to come off like a jerk.) The other guys don't seem to buy his story. Now Evan is trying to confront Chad. Chad is telling Evan that he's trying to bully Chad. Evan seems incredulous. A fly zips into Evan's open mouth. (I wish.)

The thing is, I partially see Chad's point. These guys DO seem to have latched on to him as the villain. Again, that's not to say he isn't a dick and the other guys are reacting to HIS behavior, but this show operates so much on the way the material is edited, that to not consider the flip side of this would be foolish.

The last one-on-one date card arrives at the house. Luke just said he's going to cry in a corner if he doesn't get the date. Well, Lukie, better get some tissues because JoJo picked James Taylor for it.

Chad does voice-overs as every guy continues to sit down with JoJo. Now it's his turn. He doesn't have a way with words. He just gave an analogy that Evan tried to bully the bully. JoJo was all, "Don't be a bully!" haha. Oh, Chad. Go eat a ham roll or something, buddy. JoJo tells Chad she's confused about him, that she's seen lots of sides to him. Now Evan just interrupted the Chad convo, making Chad pissed and JoJo...relieved?

Now ED Evan is telling JoJo that he won't stay if Chad stays. Ooh. Ultimatum time. Bold move, fella. JoJo isn't loving the situation.

I don't see JoJo sending Chad home just because Evan said that. The guys, however, are positively tickled at the prospect.

JoJo pulls Evan aside and gives him the date rose. But I feel like what she said to him was not a commitment to dump Chad so much as it was her saying she'd like Evan to stay. When Evan and JoJo re-join the group, Chad looks completely flummoxed. Oh SHIIIIIIIT. Chad is making faces while JoJo is talking about how she gave Evan the rose and how it's always a hard decision to pick someone. JoJo calls Chad out. He's all, "Is this for real right now? Are you vibing on this guy?" JoJo is pissed, telling him he's being rude and she doesn't like this side of him. The other guys are LOVING it. Chad is due for an angergasm, yo. What a damned train wreck this day is for Chad. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.

Now Derek is scared to sleep next to Chad. The house is talking about Chad and his aggression. Security is watching over Chad in the bedroom. Oh COME ON. They are laying it on pretty thick up in here.

Time for the last one-on-one. JoJo and James Taylor are dressed like 50s folk. I'm not digging JoJo's bangs swoosh, but I love her polka dot dress. J&J are going to dance. Honestly, I give no shits about this part. I just can't even. James has a nice smile, I see as I fast forward through this part.

Security is milling around. Chad is eating again. He thinks the guys are being "wussies." (They kind of are, honestly. This is SO sensationalized!) Dan is trying to advise his buddy to keep a cool head. Dan is a waste of space.

That anti-Pat Toomey cat commercial is on again. The kitty scratching her little kitty friend's back is so cute!

The show is back. Security is still around. Chad is eating again. A whole yam this time. Ew. There's not even honey butter and cinnamon sugar on it. Blech. Dan is telling Chad people think Chad is a loose canon. Dan, ever the wordsmith, says, "Let's pretend your Hitler." Chad is all, "Let's not pretend I'm Hitler." So Dan is like, "Ok, not Hilter. But, like, Donald Trump." His horrible, inarticulate point is that when he, Dan, hangs out with and talks to Big Bad Chad, it drags Dan down. Dan sums up, "So be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini is what I'm saying." Hot damn! This is gold! Meanwhile, Chad is just staring at Dan as though trying to process the stupid. Then he chomps down on a heart of romaine lettuce, raw and undressed.

Arrrrgghhhhhh! JoJo just said to James, "Can we just take a moment and look at where we're at?" NOOOOOOOO. How about you just take a moment and look at where you are. STOP THERE.

James and JoJo are having a heart to heart, reliving their date. La la la. JoJo likes him and finds him amazing B-U-T...she's not sure there is a romantic connection. Aka, she's not attracted to him. Still, JoJo tells James how he's so great. James tells her he's not perfect. He confesses that he has an inferiority complex when it comes to his looks. (Some guys made fun of him when he was a kid.) I'm not gonna lie-- he's getting to me with this story. This poor guy. He seems super sweet. She just gave him a rose. Too bad he's playing another song. That's getting old.

But otherwise? This guy is the real deal. She needs to consider him seriously.

So I don't think there is going to be a rose ceremony in this episode. Which means they're going to draw this shit out for two more hours tomorrow??? What could they possibly do for two hours tomorrow if all the dates happened today?

Oh wait. Chris Harrison is back. In pink this time. Not as good a look for him, gotta say. But he's come to answer my question. He tells the men there's no cocktail party tonight. But JoJo wants to have an all-day pool party. So I guess the all-day pool party will suck two hours of my life away tomorrow night. Thanks JoJo and ABC.

The guys' reaction? "JoJo in a bikini?! Yay!!!!"  Except Chad. He doesn't want to see JoJo in a bikini because that means everyone else will see her in one. He can imagine what she looks like in a bathing suit by looking at her in her clothes. He wants to save the image.

Chris Harrison walks out. But Evan follows. Wherever can he be going and to what end? 

ED Evan is tattling on Chad to Chris. Wow. I don't like Chad. But Evan is being SUCH a baby. Here's the thing, ED: You already gave your ultimatum to JoJo. She gave you the rose. She's about to come spend the day with the group so she'll be around to keep Chad in check or to witness him doing something that'll get him sent home. Either way, you have to co-exist with this guy for another 12 hours or something. So just deal with it. If she ends up keeping Chad after that, then maybe you need to re-assess, but let's get through the rose ceremony first. But no. That's not good enough. Whining to JoJo (after YOU started shit with your "jokes" against Chad at the stand-up thing) wasn't good enough. The security guards aren't good enough. Now Chris Harrison has to be brought in? I'm sorry. But Evan, you are flaccid, brother. 

It's a sad day when I feel forced to defend Chad, but this is ridonk.

Now Chris has returned from the tattle sesh with Evan and Chad gets called to the principal's office. This is so lame. Chris tells Chad he, Chris Harrison, has to draw the line somewhere. That somewhere is violence. He's not sending Chad home, but instructs him to go settle it with Evan "in a way that will be well-received."

So of course Chad's reaction is to walk away and say to camera how he wants to kill everyone and scatter body parts all around. I'm not 100% fluent in Chris Harrison's language, but I'm pretty sure that's not what he had in mind. Oh man. There's a shit storm a-brewin', people.

But we'll have to wait until tomorrow for the carnage. The preview showed lots of blood (Evan had a bloody face; possibly James Taylor, too, surprisingly) and JoJo looking and sounding distraught.

I'm distraught that I'm still watching this. Hopefully I can wrangle another one of those Starbucks beverages for my viewing party. Next time I'll request a Venti.