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Monday, July 25, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 9: Full of Hot Air

Here I am on a stormy Monday night. I could be watching the convention, but I'm watching this show instead. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I'm making here.

So this epi starts off with a recap of JoJo's emotional breakdown from last week. "What do I do? What if I make a mistake?" JoJo cries. Luke returns to the hangar and the guys look worried. They must've thought he was leaving. Robby says to camera, "I can't really read Luke." That's a feeling I think we all share.

JoJo comes back ready to start the rose ceremony looking far less splotchy than I would've expected given the waterworks we just witnessed. Jordan, not surprisingly, gets the first rose. Robby gets the second. Will she give the final rose to Luke or Chase? Will Luke's grand confession make a difference? Annnnndddd..... nope. ?!?!?! She gives it to Chase. Wow. That actually surprises me.

I'm not the only one. Luke looks a bit shell shocked. She asks to walk him out. He murmurs his assent. He is super quiet and stares off in the distance in a pensive manner. She's crying some more. She tells him how it hurts her so much to let him go, how she never felt as good a connection as with him on their first date. But then as time passed, she didn't feel like she knew where she stood with him. He tells her that when he kissed her, when he looked into her eyes, when he talked to her...he thought she knew, thought she felt the same connection. He could envision their future together. He walks toward the limo in as much of a huff as Luke is capable. (That is to say, not much of a huff. He fixes his gaze on the limo door whilst walking to it with purpose, yet still clearly incredulous as JoJo's fingers grip his hand.)

He looks stiff. He's like a robot. Well Christ; no wonder she was so confused. He's looking off into the great unknown. The limo pulls away. I don't believe he has functioning tear ducts as he swipes dry eyes and breathes deeply. He was in love with her, he says, but he never got a chance to love her. The camera goes in tight on Luke, waiting for tears after such a deep confession. They aren't coming. That's ok. JoJo has enough for both of them. She misses him already, she sobs. What if she made a mistake? (Oh JoJo...this whole THING was a mistake. No sense pinpointing this specific choice as the one to question.)

There's a brief shot of the 3 dudes who are remaining standing impotently in the background as JoJo cries after getting rid of Luke. I wonder what they're feeling watching this spectacle.

They go to commercial without showing us what it was like when JoJo goes back to the chosen ones. That must've been super awkward, I'm thinking. Damn them for not showing us.

And now--just like that--they're in Thailand. JoJo says it's romantic and magical. They have a shot of her staring off in the distance. Then they cut to her walking-down-the-beach-showing-her-belly shot. Then her looking-out-the-window-of-her-hotel shot.

Time for her date with Robby. They go to an outdoor market. It looks...smelly and hot, to be honest. Then it starts raining. Not like a regular rain. Like an effing monsoon with thunder. A terrible storm (kinda like the one we had here a short time ago.) Robby and JoJo take cover at some Thai massage place open to the air. They get their feet massaged. Thankfully we don't have to watch that part. Robby and JoJo have a boring "deep" conversation as the women work on their feet. All I can think is how unromantic this seems. When their chat is over and their heels scraped clean, they go kiss under some other awning because it's still pouring.

Back from commercial break and it stopped raining. It's clearly still hot as balls, however. JoJo asks Robby if he's hot and he lies and says no. But he's sweating like he's run a marathon. So, yeah, not very believable. It's time for dinner. JoJo reminisces about how this was the date that JoJo told Ben she was in love with him and he said it back, but it was a lie. So now she's worried. She has to decide if she wants to offer him the fantasy suite. Riiiight. As though there's ANY chance she's not offering him the suite. Please.

Still, Robby has to convince her he wants it. So he takes out a note he "found" in his pocket that his "dad" wrote him after JoJo left the hometown date. It was all, "I see how much you love JoJo. Don't be stressed about your past relationship. It'll all work out..." JoJo falls for it, of course, and hands over the date card that Robby reads aloud even though everyone in the world who has ever watched this show can pretty much recite by heart the general wording of the letter. (As it were, Robby said "yes" before he even read it, but then got wise to his contractual obligation and mockingly said the words written by "Chris B Harrison" penned on the card.) Then Robby says to camera how he's finally going to be with JoJo instead of dreaming of her. His wording creeped me out a bit, frankly. Then he says he cant wait to be in bed with her...then a pause...then a clarifying "to say goodnight to her..." Like, yeah, I'm sure that's what you're looking forward to, Rob.

Meanwhile, this week of the show still seems inappropriate. I just don't understand how you can be intimate with 3 people in one week. And how the other people can pretend they're cool knowing that person is going to be intimate with 2 other people the same week. It just...defies what a relationship should be.

The show comes back to JoJo and Robby's post-coital glow (I think it's that-- they're inside so it's probably not sweat this time) with longing kisses. JoJo tells camera she loves Robby, but she's not going to tell *him* until she's sure of how she feels. You know, for, like, one person only. Whatever.

Then she promptly leaves and they cut to her date with Jordan. Those two are going on a hike. Jordan notes how JoJo looks "sporty." She explains how she wanted to dress to fit the activity. They seem tired and hot and stop for big breaths as they climb stairs. It seems ungodly and their expressions look like they're wondering why they chose this as a date activity. It reminds me of the time on our honeymoon that my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to abandon the comforts of poolside at our resort for a day trip to Chichen Itza. The experience was like walking on the sun. I was drenched with sweat and couldn't get cool and I wondered why we'd made such a terrible choice. Just...terrible.

J & J hiked to a temple. They don't kiss because the temple is sacred. JoJo wants to respect that. They're having a similarly boring conversation (as the Robby-JoJo foot massage conversation) about their alleged feelings and Jordan says he wants JoJo's dad to look him in the eye and know he's the guy for his JoJo. JoJo wonders if Jordan is too good to be true. (The answer is yes, JoJo.)

After another commercial break, Jordan is still talking about meeting her parents. He's like a dog with a bone. Emphasis on the dog. (Because I don't like his looks.) JoJo asks Jordan what he envisions the next year looking like (good question, JoJo). He hedges ("That's a good question"). She doesn't like that. She pushes. He says he's at a point right now where he doesn't need a home base and can be wherever she needs him. She catches the qualifier "right now" and asks what about in six months when he gets a call to be somewhere? Will he be like "see ya" and go? He says he's in love with her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She goes, "That's what Ben said." Boom. You tell him, JoJo. She doesn't want a repeat of the Ben debacle.

Meanwhile, when Jordan looks at JoJo, I see a lot going on in his eyes. But none of it is love. It looks like frustration, annoyance, even scorn at times. I don't buy for a second that he's in love with her. I think he tolerates her for whatever he's getting out of being on the show. (Exposure? Who knows?) Can she not see that? (I hit pause to type that and the shot of her face listening to whatever BS he's feeding her...I don't know. I think she might see it. But she doesn't want to believe it.) Oh hell! She doesn't know what to believe.

I would LOVE--like, absolutely be tickled--if she didn't give Jordan the fantasy suite. I think there's like a 1% chance of that actually happening, but I'd LOVE for it to happen.That's MY fantasy!

But she gives it to him because she's a sucker. And because she tells camera how she knows she and Jordan love each other. (Again, she's not telling him.)

Aftermath. They're eating their first breakfast together. Ew. She just asked him what he was thinking after last night, and he said it was just what he needed. Gross.

She tells camera she sees how Ben got to this point. (Since, you know, she's in love with 2 guys now.) 

She says she's excited for her date with Chase today. I hope she showered.

Chase and JoJo start their date and they're acting like idiots. Chase made out with a fish. Now they're on a boat. He can't believe he's here, he says. Neither can I, Chase. I really thought it would be Luke. It must be SO hot there. That's all they're talking about--how hot and sweaty they are. (That's probably what I'm missing on the convention, too. Haha.)

They're having a beach conversation. Also boring. But the best scenery of the three boring-conversation dates we've seen (and only half-listened to). I'm hungry. I might have a bowl of cereal. That's interesting. JoJo tells us she's having such a great day and doesn't want it to end. Also? It scares her. Because she's worried she may end up being a predicament.

You know what? It's clear to me she doesn't want it to go well because she wants to just go with the other two dudes.

Chase is sitting on the beach before their dinner and he's telling camera how happy he is and how sure. JoJo is in her room gazing pensively at the surf and I feel like I catch a glimpse of that look she's had a few times now where she's made a decision in her heart and isn't looking forward to it. (Remember when someone told her he loved her and she didn't feel as excited as she thought she would to hear it? And again with the whole Luke thing? Yeah. That look.) I think poor Chase isn't even going to get an invitation to the fantasy suite no matter what happens at dinner.

And wow. Just when I thought Chase's chances couldn't get worse...What the actual fuck?! Robby just showed up to her room! That seems SO out of bounds. He lays it all out there for her. He's ready to get down on one knee. Have kids. Join a country club. ("Country clubs and coloring books" he, right. Sounds romantic, Robby...)

She doesn't appear appalled, however. She seems to think it's just the sort of cute thing Robby does to show his love.

So yeah; sorry Chase. You're gone.

She doesn't even want to risk falling in love with him. She feels sick thinking about it. I feel sick, too. Because he's gonna get dumped so hard and he doesn't know it.

Now she and Chase are at their dinner. As he goes on and on about what a great day he had with her, she's got that resigned look in her eye. She did a slow blink when he told her he battled through harder than Robby and Jordan seem to have had to, but after today feels like he and JoJo are *there* (at that romantic place they should be together/point in their relationship, etc)... JoJo gives another slow, sad blink. He's SO toast. 

Oh wow. She gave him the card. That's surprising. She's going for it anyway. Ballsy move by JoJo. But hmm... I still don't believe this night will go all the way. I just don't. I stand by that.

They set up shop on the couch in the fantasy suite. Chase is confessing that he's 100% in love with JoJo. It's killing her. I see it in her eyes. No. I'm sorry. I just don't see this happening.  He is NOT going to make it off this couch with her. No way.

And now...yep. She's telling camera that she's feeling doubt and doesn't feel the way she thought she would hearing him confess that. She excuses herself!! She feels sick to her stomach. So do I. Because I SO called this. She should've spared him the agony and not even offered him the room. She fantasy-suite-teased him! That's cold.

Meanwhile, she's outside ruminating. He's inside alone. He has to know. But...when she finally goes back inside and apologizes and explains she needed to "take a moment," he says, "Why?" Now she's telling him that she's not in the same place as him, and she's not sure if spending the night together would change it and is what she's saying even making sense? He's like, "I see it."

He. Is. Pissed. He's like, "I just jumped over a hurdle and I'm skewered." "I love you now means get the f*** out?" She says she's trying not to put him through what she went through feeling blindsided with Ben. He said she just did that to him anyway. She feels really bad. She's sobbing and he gives her a pity hug, but he's not happy. He's had enough and walks away. She calls him back to apologize more. This is hard to watch. I feel bad for both of them.

Chase pops a beer as he gets in the limo bus to numb the horror. Honestly, I feel like I could use one, too. He gives viewers an eloquent analogy to explain his feelings: "it's like pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts." Thanks; now I understand. He wishes he'd never said he loves her. He's embarrassed. And heartbroken, he adds not-that-convincingly. (Meanwhile, I feel bad for any girl he dates after this because he's totes not gonna be quick to say the L-word ever again.)

Back from commercial break and JoJo reviews the devastation of the previous night. But she still feels like she made the right choice because her feelings for Chase weren't at the same level as with the other two nozzles.

(Pointless) rose ceremony time! Jordan comes in and chats with Chris Harrison about how confident he is. Jordan's pants are RIDICULOUS. A. They're too short, and B. They're way too tight. He looks like a complete tool.

Robby comes in with a striped hanky in his back pocket. His pants are also kinda stupid, but they're less offensive than Jordan's.

JoJo surprises them by showing up and telling them she sent Chase home. Then Chase surprises JoJo by showing up and wanting to talk to her. I'm sure it's just to tell her he's sorry for how things ended last night and to wish her well. The producers just want us to think it'll be be something else. Because they think we're as dumb as JoJo for believing Jordan has legit feelings for her. They go to commercial break to draw out the suspense we don't feel.

When they return from break, the two contenders literally sweat. Since Thailand is obviously hot as Hades.

As for Chase? Yep. I was right. Chase is apologizing and wishing her well and lets her know his heart is still open for her if anything ever changes. And then he leaves, followed by a monkey. That's kinda funny.

But JoJo is crying again. She is giving herself a pep talk to stay the course and trust herself.

Now she's back in front of her drenched suitors who are relieved to find Chase hasn't returned with her. She tells them she's excited and happy with both of them and looks forward to them meeting her family. Jordan likes her enthusiastic speech of affection, but isn't thrilled it includes Robby, too. Fair enough, fella. She hands out the roses. Gives Jordan his first (again) and then Robby. How dull. Couldn't she at least switch it up?

Robby has large sweat stains under both arms. Oh. And down his back. Yeah. I'm never going to Thailand.

Tomorrow is Men Tell All. I may or may not watch it. I probably won't blog it. Then next Monday is the finale. It seems like JoJo has another breakdown as she struggles with which one of the guys to pick. (So what else is new?) But I'll be on vacation so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about blogging the episode in a timely fashion. Hmmm... Stay tuned!

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