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Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Bachelorette Episide 7: Stop Me If You've Heard This One...

Well, friends, it's Monday night once more. JoJo is back after a 4th of July break. For some reason, all I can think today when I say "JoJo" is this. (Particularly at the 1:20 point, but the whole thing is way more entertaining than this episode will probably be. I wish jerky Chad was back...)

To start things off, JoJo is wearing knee-high black boots over skin-tight gray leggings. I'm not fond of that look. I don't even know what she was talking about because I couldn't stop looking at the outfit. I'm confident I didn't miss anything of importance.

Now the men are blah blah blah-ing about the rose ceremony "last night" (2 weeks ago).

Chris comes in to interrupt. He tells them that this week there are 4 dates-- three one-on-ones and a group date. But good news: no roses on individual dates anymore, so they can relax knowing that if they completely eff it up on the date itself, all hope is not lost. What a relief. However, Chris adds, there's still a rose on the group date. And this week it means that one of them will be going to straight to home-towns.Oooh. So momentous. (Zzzzz...)

Alex is whining how he's the only one who hasn't had a lot of alone time with JoJo. (Meanwhile, Alex, what about that afternoon/evening you got with her when Chad was sent home? Oh right. She was totes hoping to have sent you home but you ended up being the lesser of two evils so she didn't really want to make out with you a lot that day.)

In a not-remotely-shocking non-twist, Alex is the recipient of the first one-on-one. The guys are relieved that they no longer have to hear Alex "bitching" that he hasn't had one. Alex remarks that he's glad for this opportunity to spend time with JoJo. Not so that he'll have time to fall in love with her, but so that she'll have it to fall in love with him.

JoJo comes to pick up Alex (and by "comes to pick up Alex" I mean that a car in which she's a passenger has arrived to pick up Alex and transport them both to their final Argentinian destination.)  Alex didn't even bother getting changed out of that stupid flannel for his date. Interesting choice, Alex. But, then, I'm sure you'll woo her with scintillating conversation.

As soon as he sits next to her, he makes a comment about how this one-on-one is a long time coming. And then? He has a thumb war with JoJo. I kid you not, friends. (Hi, Alex, maybe this is why you've never had an official one-on-one before...The rest of the dudes would be making out with her. Just sayin.') Guess he wanted to ease into the whole JoJo falling in love with him thing.

JoJo remarks how she feels like she's spending the day with "someone I'm really comfortable with" but then follows it up with a bit about not really feeling a romantic connection with him. Hmmm. That surprises me. I would have thought that the two of you taking the Pringles potato chips and forming them into a duck bill would've been a super turn-on. Lesson learned.

Photo from this site-->

The rest of the guys go wherever they're going in a rickety bus and spend the time smack-talking Alex in a clever round-robin beat-boxing situation.

Here's their ditty:

Well Alex was on
A motorcycle ride
It went alright
But JoJo cried
Because she wishes
She was with us
It's way more fun
Chillin' on a bus
And he might get a kiss
But he won't get far
He's a little bitty dude
Ridin' in a side car
And he might have game
And he might be cool
But to get in a side car
He need a stool
He need a stool!

(Though I had to rewind it and re-watch it 7 times to get all of that, I feel it was worth it. I was particularly impressed that the guys did it as a team, as nobody delivered two lines in a row.)

James Taylor (who, you'll remember was super nervous last week and feeling quite down on himself among the rest of the men) is taking particular pleasure in speculating with the guys over how much more fun JoJo would be having if she were riding the bus with them.

As it happens, he's right. Since Alex is doing some "freestylin'" of his own for JoJo back in the limo o' love. Here's his mad skillz:

Yo yo
Gots to go
to the liqua sto'

I wish I was making this up. But I assure you, that's what he said.

Now Alex and JoJo are sitting in the car doing nothing. These two have zero chemistry. Hahahaha-- JoJo just gave the biggest weary, bored sigh. It captures my feelings as well. (And reminds me of this time in high school I went out with this guy who used to be my neighbor. He'd knocked on my door one day and wanted to catch up--he'd moved away several years earlier--and so I agreed to go. I drove--because I didn't know him anymore and wasn't taking chances--and we had a late lunch at the restaurant where I worked as a hostess--so I could be around people I knew in case he acted shady. Even though both of us were dating someone, he kept trying to hit on me and insinuate that something was going to happen on this non-date. When someone mistakenly thought he was my boyfriend, I was quick to correct the error which seemed to insult the guy. After we ate, I drove him by my high school just so he could see it, but he made some suggestive comment that I was trying to get him alone. I promptly headed back home. When we got there and I was saying goodbye, we glanced across the street where we saw a dog taking a crap against the stop sign. I said, "Well, that about sums it up." The guy, duly insulted, finally left.)

Sorry. Where was I? Oh right. Bachelorette. Got it.

Back to the show. Cow herding. Dogs. JoJo giving a Spanish lesson on a "ranch." For today's date, they'll be gaucho.

Alex and JoJo walk among the trees. Alex announces that he likes those kind of trees. The "droopy" kind. Ah, Alex. He's so s-m-r-t.

Now they're in their idiotic gaucho costumes. JoJo tells Alex he's the cutest "little" gaucho ever. Way to kick a man while he's down, JoJo.

The other guys stop at, as Luke calls it, "a sketchy little local bar-b-q place" that is feeding them "random little pieces of meat." Jordan is a picky eater. He's not alone; even the dog won't eat the meat.

Back on the date, Alex is trying to be romantic with JoJo as they ride horses, but it seems lame to me. I'm not feeling it. He tells JoJo she looks like a Ralph Lauren model. She kinda does. That's the most accurate thing Alex has said all day, as awkward as it was.

Now the real gaucho is doing a little demonstration with his horse. He's laying on top of the horse, making the horse hug his body with two legs, and then kissing his horse. The horse is laying there like he's in a coma so JoJo and Alex are invited to "spoon" on the horse's neck. They each lay on one side of the horse's neck and kiss over the horse. That poor animal. He's probably like, "Can you assholes get the eff off me? Thanks."

Alex just whispered, "I'm your goocho." Ah, Alex. You big idiot. (Also, he keeps saying "where I'm at" which drives me INSANE.)

The guys arrived at their destination-- some upscale yacht club or something. Luke feels like this is a great place for him to think things through as things wind down. Right. Like you have so much to think through... Oy.

Jordan gets the next one-on-one. He's excited. James Taylor looks pissed since his smack-talk on Jordan last episode didn't seem to have the desired effect.

JoJo and Alex are discussing what it would be like if Alex brought JoJo home. He just said "I need you to know...I think I'm falling in love with you."

Ouch! I can see by the way she's looking at him that she doesn't feel the same way. Like at all. He's talking about how amazing he feels right now. But JoJo does not at all look like she feels amazing. She looks like she wishes he hadn't said that to her.

And she basically just told him so. She said, "I'm not as excited as I should feel" hearing his declaration. So she's sending him home. I respect that decision. He seems pissed. She's trying to walk him out but he doesn't want her to. His answers are now clipped and he won't look at her in the eye. She's feeling badly, crying about how her final moment with him was him not looking her in the eye--um, JoJo? You just broke up with him. Of course he's upset. Just don't worry about it. Know what's good for that? Kissing someone else.

Lucky for's time for her date with Jordan.

Private jet. Wine tasting. Now THIS is a Bachelor-worthy date. It reminds me of the best vacation I ever went on with my husband. (Best vacation ever full-stop, actually.) Oh Wine Country, how I miss thee....

JoJo and Jordan are standing in buckets of grapes. I hope the vineyard isn't selling that wine. "Ooh. I'm getting some jammy notes in this one. But I can't quite identify the type..." "Right. It's, uh, toe." "Toe?" "Yes. Toe jam."

Speaking of jams...what's with Jordan's shorts? Nice Jams, Jordo. they look like something my cousin wore back in 1986. When he was 3.

OH MY GOD. They're drinking the crap they just stomped. EW. Now they're making out in a hot tub. There's a surprise.

Back at the other place, Luke and Chase are chatting about how Jordan is the front-runner. (Robby thinks HE is the front runner, by the way.) Oh great. They're talking about how JoJo will (hopefully) see through Jordan's motives. Whatever that means. They need to let that all go.

Luke got the last one-on-one. This doesn't surprise me since JoJo wants Luke's bod. I bet they spend the whole time snogging. (That means making out, in case you didn't know.)

Back on the date, Jordan and JoJo are debriefing their day. "What was the best part of this day?" (that just happened and still is happening...) JoJo is a smitten kitten. Alex wishes JoJo would've looked at him this way. Jordan is laying it all out for JoJo. Apparently, he doesn't have a close relationship with his middle brother, the pro-footballer. (Gaaah! Jordan just said "where I'm at." Grrrr.) Jordan is winning over JoJo with his sob story about feeling inadequate living in his brother's talent-shadow. JoJo says she feels like she knows who he is and she trusts him. He's about to drop the "L-word", I can feel it. Yep! Called it. " in love with you." "It's so real," he says. Hmm...good job, Jordy. But I know someone who said it better. Still, JoJo doesn't seem to notice. She's giddy.

Next day...It's pouring. The guys wonder if the rain will impact the group date today. (I'm so bored.) Turns out, yes, the rain has impacted the date. They were going to do something outdoorsy and now they're hanging out in a hotel room with some really gross-looking room service. It looks like it's been sitting around for an hour and is stone cold.

James Taylor stuffed 25 of the old french fries in his mouth at once. He gagged. Then they played a bunch of games. Including some truth-or-dare. Snore. Robby stripped down to his boxer briefs (that look like a bathing suit) and ran through the halls of the hotel. I'm about to fall asleep.

James Taylor is acting like an asshole and stirring things up by trying to make Robby look bad. How lame. JT needs to just worry about himself instead of trying to make JoJo doubt every other guy. It just makes him look insecure.

Now JoJo is talking to Robby privately (not about the stuff JT brought up. Just some alone-time chatting about Robby's past). He had a bad breakup after a long relationship. JoJo wonders if he's ready. He said yes. Blah blah.

Chase alone-time. He said it's a new experience for him to open up to someone. He doesn't want to be scared to say the "L-word" but he is. (I'm over Chase. I used to like him. Now he bores me.) He's having the standard convo with her at this stage of the show. He feels confidence in them, but still feels nervous. He said he does "really, really like" her, and he "doesn't want to lose" her, and he "wants to spend" his "life with" her. Where's the L-word, Chase? Thankfully for him, JoJo seems to speak his cryptic language.

James Taylor alone-time. He's going for a different vibe. He pointed out that he thinks they have a deep and meaningful relationship, but he senses she might have a more physical relationship with some other guys here. (This is true.) She's telling him that he's everything she would look for in a partner. He says, "I'm very much in the process of falling for you." He thinks she feels what he feels and sees what he sees.

I disagree. I think she sees that she probably *should* go for him for all the reasons she outlined, but she doesn't really want to because of those physical urges she has for, say, Luke. Ah. The typical Bachelor(ette) dilemma.

Is it time for her to make out with Luke yet? Oh wait. She still needs to give out the rose. I think she'll give it to Robby.

James Taylor and the other guys are talking before JoJo gives it out. JT thinks that Jordan and Luke are front-runners and will get a rose, that they got a one-on-one for a reason. (I agree with him.) But Robby is getting pissed at all this talk of front running because he thinks this is the Robby and JoJo Show. Meanwhile, JT thinks HE is getting the rose tonight. Ha! Poor JT. JoJo comes in and interrupts the speculation and says she feels "confident" about giving out this rose. Aaaaaand she gave it to Robby. (Oh sigh. I wish this shit wasn't so predictable. I would've liked to be surprised.) JT is bummed.

Hmmm...How many people are getting cut this week? If it's 1, I think it's Chase. If it's 2, it's him and JT. Sorry bros. Bye bye. Oh wait. Alex already got cut and they usually do 4 hometowns. So I think it'll just be one, so Chase is going home. He hasn't opened up enough. He's boring. There's nothing stand-out about him at all. At least JT has that wholesome thing going on. JoJo thinks she should want to pick him. So I think that'll save him at least through hometowns, but no further. On the other hand, he could be toast already. (Does it really matter?)

There's only 20 minutes left. This episode is so dull and formulaic. But it also means her date with Luke is nothing exceptional because there's not even a lot of time for it (thankfully!)

They're in their cowboy outfits. There's a pony. JoJo says Luke is the "total package"-- he's "smart and deep" and "has a way of explaining his feelings" that's unlike men she's dealt with. (He's a bit intense for my tastes.) Meanwhile, he's wooing her with deep talk about breaking horses (I'm thinking he might've enjoyed that gaucho date Alex got). Luke is turning her on super big time being an expert horse rider and skeet shooter. He gave her a good pointer on how to shoot and she broke the plate and now she's pumped. She's loving his manliness. But ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He just said "where I'm at." Stop stop stop stop stop!

I'm a bit surprised there was no dinner or whatever. He seems to have gotten an abridged date.

Back at the house, the dudes are brooding, speculating who might go home. Luke walks back in and they're just as surprised as I was to see him back early. He drops the bomb that there's no cocktail party tonight. Chase and JT are freaking.

Finally time for this show to end...I mean, for the rose ceremony. It's funny how completely unfazed and unconcerned Jordan and Luke are going into this thing. There's not a single question in anyone's minds that these two are safe. I like Luke's purple tie.

JoJo arrives in her sparkly dress. (And a really weird necklace that looks like it's made of rawhide and totes doesn't go with the dress. Maybe it's a strap from the horse she rode with Luke before she rode Luke. What? It's possible.) She makes her speech about the weight of this night. Then she commences to hand out roses to--you guessed it--Luke and Jordan (in that order). Chase and James Taylor look ill. Captain Obvious Harrison comes in and needlessly points out it's the last rose of the night. (I can't fathom how this dude is still collecting a pay check for this show.)

She gives it to Chase, making the biggest surprise of the episode for me. Even though I'm not *that* surprised. It was now or next week. What's a week between castoffs?

She's crying and crying as she bids James Taylor his goodbye. Frankly, I'm surprised he lasted this long, that big friendly goofball. She's still crying as he drives off. She knows she made a poor choice. No way Jordan is better for her than James Taylor if she's truly looking for happily-ever-after.

Next week, home town dates. Oh joy. Oh rapture... Previews show her in an iridescent blue gown crying on a runway (or driveway? But I'm pretty sure it was a runway...) about something--possibly some drama with Robby and his ex. At least, that's what we're supposed to think. So more likely she broke a nail. Stay tuned. 

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