I just said to my husband, "Hey, you wanna drink some white wine?" He said, "Yeah, I could drink a glass." Then I proceeded to set myself up on the couch without the wine. Because I want him to open the bottle and deliver it. What? I'm busy typing!
The recap/preview of today is on...oh man. I hope he gets here soon with some wine.
This week opens with a lovely daisy shot. Some stinky-looking horses. A dude in a bonnet and an argyle sweater (is this Buenos Aires or Scotland, yo?), British soldiers??? These bonnets are all the rage around here, apparently, as there's a group of dudes on the street wearing them, too. Huh.
JoJo, reminiscing on the "funnest" part of last season--all the traveling-- sits on a park bench in a fashionable red frock, her long white jacket draped artfully behind her, and holds a cup of coffee. What a journey this has been, y'all. (She didn't say y'all, but she HAS in life and, therefore, I'm not feeling guilt for putting words in her mouth at this moment.) She can just FEEL that Buenos Aires would be an awesome place to fall in love. (Note to JoJo: falling in love is awesome anywhere by nature of it being, you know, falling in love! Endorphin rush!) She says some crap about Luke being H-O-T (at least, I'm pretty sure she said Luke. My husband came in the room and gave me a glass of water. Uh, imma need something stronger up in here. I can already tell.)
Anyhoo, Chris Harrison shows up looking all dress-down Friday in his suit sans tie, and he lets us know we're about halfway through this misery. (That's the season, not the episode, mind you. Of the episode, we're only about 3 min and 36 seconds in. Of 2 hours. So, like, there's practically a lifetime to go of this episode.) JoJo is concerned she might end up falling in love with two people just like Ben did last season and Chris is all "the irony would be pretty thick." Thanks, Chris. Way to earn your paycheck there, buddy.
They just panned to a group shot of the guys and, in the words of Junie B Jones, "Wowee wow wow" Alex is REALLY short. In other news, Luke is similarly jazzed about Buenos Aires (BA, from here on out). He can't think of anywhere else "in the entire world" that would be a better place to fall in love. Really, Luke? Because I could think of about 37 off the top of my head. But whatever. Good for you that you got lucky and ABC granted you your number one choice of love-destinations in the entire world. What are the chances??? Robby, similarly eloquent, says "it's kind of like a city of love; there's beautiful buildings and beautiful people." BA should put that in their travel brochures.
Bombshell: There's a 2-on-1 this week! Everyone is freaking out, especially as, apparently, this is unprecedented. Usually there's only a single 2-on-1 date in the season. I never noticed that, but they said it a few times, so it must be true. Turns out the old adage is correct: you learn something new every day.
The guys digest this news as they take in the sights, including their hotel. It's, as they put it, "definitely 5-star." I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but I just looked up some traveler info for BA and there was something about how 3-star hotels average $60/night and 5-stars average $160/night. So, frankly, I should hope they sprung for the 5-star. Especially as the helicopters have been lacking so far this season. Just sayin'.
The guys are jumping on the beds, looking out the windows, yelling "JoJo" out the window. What a bunch of dorks.
First date card arrives to the 5-star room. Wells gets the date. It's a one-on-one. It says, "Besame, Besame muchacho." (Kiss me.)
Wells confesses he hasn't kissed JoJo yet. All the guys pity him. He looks like he's gonna puke.
JoJo arrives to pick up Wells, and Luke is like, "Are you guys gonna kiss today?" and JoJo is like, "Hmm. That's funny. Isn't it?" In the most UNAMUSED voice I've ever heard. I loved it! LOL. The guys are talking about how awkward it's gonna be if the kiss happens (or doesn't) and it isn't good, or if it's this big thing and Wells botches the timing, etc etc. Honestly, I think they're all making too much about it.
On the date, Wells buys her some jewelry.Which she calls "cute." Yikes.
In actual good news, my husband just came down again and brought me not just a glass of wine, but also a plate of cheese and crackers to snack on with it! He's the best. Who needs Buenos Aires? I fall in love at home every day!
Back from commercial (and snack) break. JoJo and Wells are playing with these silly toys at the outdoor marketplace thing. JoJo takes him to a show. Brute Force, it's called, I believe. I don't really care, to be honest.
Wells is talking about why he's waited so long to kiss JoJo. Something about waiting for the perfect opportunity and situation. While his voice-over says that crap, the camera is showing him and JoJo in this empty room sort of staring at each other longingly. A kiss now would be quite natural. Thus, Wells doesn't kiss her. JoJo's frustration is palpable.
This dude has no game. (This should come as no shock to anyone as he's the same guy who brought All-4-One with him to meet JoJo on Night 1 and kept them around for the better part of the night...)
Wells explains to camera that he was about to kiss JoJo but then half-naked swimmers appeared on the ceiling above them and that didn't seem like a good moment. Right. Now a dude comes out and tells JoJo and Wells they're going to learn some of these cool stunts from the show, too. Wells reels off a bunch of reasons to camera about how these circumstances don't lend themselves to kissing.
They learn stunts. Wells high fives her. And...oh my god. They just had the worst, most awkward cheek kiss I've ever seen. The guys back at the hotel don't think Wells is coming back. If they saw that cheek shit just now, they'd go nuts. (As it were, if he doesn't get it together, I agree with them--he's a goner.)
Now JoJo and Wells are in that water pool thing where the semi-nudes were earlier. (Yum.) Wells is still talking to camera about waiting for the "perfect" moment. Way to build it up in your mind. And then, just when we're all ready to give up, Wells kisses JoJo. Like she's his sister. Even so, JoJo yells, "Wooooo! We did it. We just had our moment!" Talk about LAME. I'm so embarrassed for them I gulped the rest of that first glass of wine to dull my senses. Luckily, my husband came back down to refill me since I have another hour and some to get through. (What? He's not watching with me. He refuses. And I understand that. I, too, would rather watch Star Trek. But only The Next Generation. I'm not down with Deep Space Nine. I can't warm to those Cardassians.)
Wells feels a "tingle in the heart." He's talking about how "this [relationship with JoJo] is totally viable." I love when a guy romances me discussing viability. JoJo finds him "intriguing." I don't know why. I don't find him at all intriguing. I find him whiny, dull, droning. She wanted to know about his last relationship and he had to remove his coat because he's sweating. Booooorrrriiinnnnggg.
Back at the 5-star hotel, the date card arrives. It's the group date. This is perhaps the one time ever the men WANT to be on the group date, because the two dudes not on the card are on the 2-on-1 and one of them is getting kicked to the proverbial curb.
Chase and Derek are going on the 2-on-1. Here we go. If she keeps keeps Derek over Chase, I may hurl up the cheese I just ate.
Back with Wells (is she seriously still on this date?????), Wells of No Game is being himself and ruining the magic of the night. He says something about how the excitement of the beginning of relationships eventually goes away. JoJo jumps on that. She lays it out there for Wells. She wants to know if it has to (go away, that is). Because she thinks the fairy tale love does exist, that passion can last, that it's not "just" a movie or song. She knows that couples get "comfortable" and things cool off from that early stage, but she thinks the real deal is out there if it's the right person for you. That's what she's looking for; it's what she wants.
Wells' body language and mannerisms indicate to me that this confession makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't necessarily agree. "That's what you're looking for?" He does a long blink. He licks his lips.
Like me, JoJo hears the skepticism. I hope she doesn't give him the rose.
She is saying to camera she needs to decide if she wants to break through the wall. She's getting upset and says it sucks. I think it's because she's not gonna give him the rose. She's holding the rose, and making her speech to him and just said "BUT"... yep. He's getting cut. Good. I don't like him.
He's in the limo. The show runner shows up at the hotel and takes his bag and the men laugh and hoot because, dun dun dun another one bites the dust.
JoJo is walking the street of BA and she's wearing another cute dress and jacket slung over her shoulders. Liking it. But now she's standing forlornly in the club/show wherein she and Wells were not kissing earlier. It's "raining" inside and she's cry-laughing. Me too, JoJo, me too.
I'm really happy that date is over. Even though JoJo is lamenting the possibility that at the end of this journey she may end up without lasting love, I'm thankful I won't have to see Weak Wells anymore on this show. (Yeah, I just changed his nick name mid-post. I don't care. You're lucky I'm still watching at this juncture!)
Ok, group date time. Alex jogs ahead to hug JoJo. She's giving him props for his enthusiasm, but his secret is that he wanted to separate himself from the other guys so she can't see them next to each other and notice how they all tower over him.
Meanwhile, poor James Taylor feels inadequate, like he doesn't belong with this group of cool dudes. On the bright side, he's on a train headed toward "I love JoJo-ville." Oooooo-kay...
They're playing a pick up game of soccer and kicking. Stakes: kiss JoJo. (Shouldn't the prize be something they can't get anyway for free?) This is soooooo tired. Also? I don't like Jordan (who just lifted up his shirt and then JoJo was like, "Your stomach is, like, so hard." Gag.)
JoJo asks Luke what's going on in his head, but it's obvious she just wants to suck his face off. She is barely containing herself from leaning in for the kiss, and her hand is positioned right next to his junk. I mean it. In the next shot, it's on his thigh. He's talking about "where he's at" (ahhhhh!) and she can't stand it (me neither, for different reasons). She doesn't want to listen to him. She wants to MAKE OUT. Finally, he's shutting up. They did one little kiss and then he did a deep sultry inhale before another one. JoJo is "running out of words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me." It is crazy, she says. It is "cray. zee." (It bore repeating, apparently, that's how crazy it was.)
Also crazy? How much I hate this episode. They need to have Chad back. I'm so bored. Like, more than normal. I'm having difficulty concentrating.
Back on the group date, James Taylor is getting his turn with JoJo. He's about to waste it tattling on other guys. JT is complaining about Jordan. (Too bad for him he doesn't know about that make out sesh JoJo just had with Luke. Maybe he could've spread around some of that angst over the competition front-runners.) Anyway, after he lays a seed of doubt about Jordan by talking about Jordan's "celebrity," he asks if he can kiss her. Romantic lead-in, dude. Sooooo fly.
JoJo knows that James Taylor has lots of qualities that "make for a great life partner." (Just like Wells earlier when he was talking about "viability," this is not sexy relationship talk.) She trusts him and takes him seriously. Just, you know, not as husband material. After all, when she was talking to Wells before about keeping that magic alive, she cited how she wants to think, "God, he's so hot!" about her spouse years down the road.
JoJo pulls aside Jordan and says "it was brought to my attention earlier" that there was a situation between James and Jordan the other day. Subtle, Jo.
Jordan laughs it off and tries to explain the situation to her, and seems similarly pissed like the other day when JoJo talked to him about his past girlfriend. The camera pans to their entwined hands, except that Jordan's hand sort of balls up at one point. He's not a happy camper. I'm thinking more and more that the rumors that he's in this for the fame and not for JoJo are true.
In the awkward silencio once he rejoins the other men, Jordan swirls his wine violently. He reaches in his front pockets as though looking for a gun, and he twiddles his foot like there's something on his leg he's trying to dislodge. I notice his stupid shoes--kind of an idiot bootie situation. I own a pair like it. But I'm a woman. I also own skinny jeans like his. But, again, I'm a woman. I really am not into his style.
Or Robby's, frankly. Nice lapel "flower," Robby. Ugh.
Awkward fashion notwithstanding, the silence is deafening in the man holding area and James is all, "How'd it go?" and Jordan is ready to grill him. It's about what you'd expect. Jordan asking leading questions hoping to catch James in a lie while James answers in partial truths hoping not to be pinned down on specifics even though he started this.
Meanwhile, Alex is watching the exchange and is LOVING it. And, honestly, I'm kinda loving it, too. The thing I don't understand is if someone calls someone else out by name to the Bachelorette, don't they think she's going to ask that person about the claim to try to get to the bottom of it? And, in turn, don't they think they'll eventually be confronted about it by the person they "told" on? That seems like it would be expected. But what do I know? I've had 2 glasses of pinot grigio.
JoJo is back and she's talking about the rose she's about to give out. She wants to give it to someone who makes her feel good and special and excited about the future. Obvi, that's her make-out partner, Luke.
Everyone else is pissed. Yay. That's what I like to see.
My kitty (Junie B Jones--named for the book character) just came in the room. She's way more compelling than this episode. And she's only just standing there looking at me.
Sweet merciful commercial break.
Over too soon. Because here we go. That effing whiny-ass Derek is such a tool. He's talking about how he's great. I hate him.
JoJo is sauntering down the street in another saucy red dress. It goes past the knee. It's a classy look. Ole, JoJo!
Chase and Derek and Jojo are gonna dance. Tango time, baby.
The lady teaching them to tango is showing tons of cleavage and I'm not sure she's wearing underwear of any kind. For reals.
JoJo is doing a 3-person tango. She's being thrown back and forth between the two guys. I can't believe it, but Chase is letting Derek get the better of him. Chase. Please! For the love of all that is holy! Do not let this ASS get the rose and get you sent home. Toothy-face emoji!
Wardrobe change! JoJo is in a shorter white dress with a chesty cutout. Oh wait, it's just a brown inverted V. Whatevs. She's got a black jacket draped over her shoulders. I am not liking the coat this time.
JoJo is talking to Derek first. They are all blah blah "passion", blah blah "looked in your damn eyes," etc. He's just pulled out the "I'm absolutely falling for you" card. Oh please. I hate you, Derek. The "real feelings I feel are when we're frickin' sitting together" are not moving me. Whatever. Nice phrasing, Derek. You're a tool. I trust nothing you say.
Come on, Chase. Tell her you're falling for her or you're gone, man!!!
JoJo asked Chase what's on his mind. He's not saying enough. She's saying she didn't feel like he was giving much back when she told him last week that she has feelings for him. Tell her now, Chase. PLEASE. He's not saying it. Chase. PLEASE. He's just looking at her stupidly. All he has to say is, "I'm sorry I wasn't effusive* enough before. But please know I'm falling for you. You're beautiful and perfect and I see a future with you." That's all you have to say and Derek is gone. Please. She doesn't want to keep him. She wants you. Pleeeeeeaaaase.
(*Yes, I know no bachelor contestant in history would use the word 'effusive' but something to that effect would, of course, also work.)
Commercial cliffhanger. I don't think he's gonna get it together. I really do not.
They're back. She's saying, "You're scared." (I want a peanut butter sandwich right now. I don't know why. Maybe it was that Planters commercial I just saw as I fast-forwarded.) She just put her arm around him. Seriously, Chase, just say it. Noooo. You need to say it more than that, you stuttering fool. I beg you.
Whew. He said something. They're kissing now. There was tongue.
Honestly, despite the tongue, I'm not sure he said enough. But I'm hoping HER feelings for HIM are strong enough to pick him.
She's handing out the rose... and it's going to... thank god! Chase pulled it out. Whew. Sorry, jerk Derek. Your time here is done. Goodbye.
(So, to review, I'd like to point out that I predicted last week that Wells and Derek would be the next to go. I was right.)
Derek is in the limo squeezing out fake sorrow. "I thought I was enough. But I'm not. I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." I disagree, Derek, you are perfect. You are a perfect loser who refers to himself in the third person.
"Don't cry for me Argentina! The truth is, I never left you... All through my wild days, my mad existence, I kept my promise; don't keep your distance..." hahahahahahahaha. I don't know if it's the wine or the editing, but I am getting a lot of enjoyment from the cuts between Derek fake crying in the limo and JoJo and Chase kissing on the dance floor whilst a lady sings "Don't Cry for me Argentina" in Spanish. hahahaha. I love it. Suck it, Derek, you John Krasinski wannabe!
Ok, let's get to the rose ceremony already. Not sure how many she's cutting today, but Alex and James Taylor are surely the next to go. Thus spake Zarathustra. (In this instance, I am Zarathustra.)
JoJo doesn't know what she's going to do. (Ok, so it turns out one person is slated to be cut as "there are four of us and three roses.")
JoJo's dress, it must be noted, is gorgeous. It's a mermaid cut blue gown with a sparkly edge up near the boobs. She looks beautiful. This dress is legit the best part of the episode.
Jordan has pulled JoJo aside and is giving his Hail Mary speech to her. He's talking about his feelings. She is buying it. (Fool to her.) I don't think he's that attractive. If I were to rank the looks of the guys at this point (face only), I'd go Alex/Luke (depending on the angle), Chase, James, Jordan, Robby.
James is talking about "getting there" with falling for JoJo. But I'm not sure that's enough. She probably wants him to be there already. Idk.
Meanwhile, is there significance to the fact that the camera is barely showing Robby in this whole episode? I hope so, because I don't prefer him, either. (Ok, let's just put it out there: I don't like most of these guys. And by "most" I mean "any"...)
As I drain a final half-glass of pinot, JoJo is about to hand out her roses. JoJo is talking about her confusion. Blah blah. James Taylor thinks he's the best guy for her there. Ok, you know what? I agree with that. Which means he's definitely toast.
Again, dude, there's a shot of all the guys and I'm noticing how Alex is teeny tiny.
Ok, rose time (finally).
Recipients: Robby (ugh. Whyyyyy?), Jordan (I typed that about 12 seconds before she said it because I knew he was getting one). Now...what to do? James Taylor or Alex? (I know from the previews that she doesn't want to give it out...she's about to walk off stage. Nice music, though. Sounds a bit like Vivaldi's Winter.) JoJo is crying at the bottom of the stairs. She feels sick to her stomach. Chris is, presumably, talking her through it. Hahaha. She doesn't want James Taylor OR Alex. They're both gone.
Oh BOO. That was a total fake out.
Chris just arrived with TWO roses which means she's giving it to BOTH of them.
This show sucks my ass. I hate it so hard.
So, in sum, they're all staying. This rose ceremony was entirely POINTLESS. This show was entirely pointless. JoJo feels like she can go to bed tonight and know that she didn't make a mistake. Meanwhile, I'm feeling that irony from earlier in that I feel like I'm going to bed tonight knowing that I made a terrible mistake. In watching this show tonight. (Or ever, for that matter.)
Previews for next week show JoJo making out with everyone. Talk of hometowns. Robby thinks he's the front-runner (obviously he hasn't seen her making out with Luke, either.) God, this show sucks.