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Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 3 Part 2 (Aka Episode 4): There will be blood

Just got back from my daughter's open house at school. I had the brilliant idea that we should walk to the school instead of driving. On the way there, I congratulated myself for a splendid plan. On the way back, I cursed my stupidity.

As I now curse this show.

But let's do this thing. By "this thing" I mean my overview of "the dramatic Bachelorette two night television event."

Chad comes back in from his talk with Chris Harrison. He addresses the group of men in his version of smoothing things over. He basically tells them he's not trying to start shit with them, and everything will be okay as long as they leave him alone. Evan tells Chad that he wants an apology and a new shirt. Chad tells Evan he'll give him 20 bucks. Evan looks affronted. His shirt was obviously $22. Then Wells (sans All-4-One) tries to jump in and explain that the men are scared there will be violence. Chad tells them there will be no attacks, as long as they don't attack him. James Taylor plays peacemaker and the men call it a day.

JoJo arrives for the pool party. Some dork is swimming in a full suit. He thinks he's funny but it's just lame. The men have chicken fights, and do a slightly cool-looking side dive series into the pool. At which point Evan comes up bloodied. You know what this means? It means those bastards edited footage before to make it look like Chad bloodied up Evan, and we've all been made fools of. No matter--the men and JoJo blame Chad anyway for sport.

JoJo and Jordan sneak away. JoJo is nervous because she can see herself falling for him but she's not sure he likes her as much as she likes him. She tells him. He's thrown off. They kiss. Rando hummingbird shot.

Robby sits with JoJo. We don't get the conversation, but he kisses her. He's boring. He has no shot.

JoJo remarks that even Chad seems to be in a good mood and she doesn't see the bad side of him now. She tells him she didn't like how he acted the other night (when he asked her if she was serious about Evan) and he weakly explains his comment. He doesn't understand where he fits in/what he's doing there if JoJo likes someone like Evan. It's like trying to figure out what restaurant she wants to go to, he explains. Does she want steak or ice cream? Two opposite ends of the spectrum.

Evan comes and interrupts. Honestly, I hate Evan. He's such a whiner.

Then they cut to Alex who is also talking crap on Chad. (I also don't like Alex anymore. He's too preoccupied with the Chad situation that it seems like he's losing sight of the JoJo objective.) Then they cut to Derek (hate him now, also) who is telling JoJo about how he changed rooms to get away from Chad and that security is in the house because of "that situation."

Chad overhears and is not happy. He doesn't like that people keep talking about him. He's concerned JoJo is just going to send him home on the say-so of everyone else.

He pulls Derek aside and starts off, "Look, I don't know what guy like me stole your girlfriend or whatever, but it wasn't me, okay? I have no problem with you, I didn't do anything to you..." etc etc. Although it's an egotistical speech, there may be something to what he's saying. Then again, we need to account for the editing of this show. Even if Chad is being painted the villain and they're editing it to make it seem worse than it is, there's still, like, NO ONE in the house who likes him. There's probably something to that, too. Meanwhile, all the guys in the other room move closer to where Derek and Chad are talking so they can eavesdrop.

Derek tells Chad it's just this sort of thing that is causing the issue in the house -- he says that Chad keeps coming at him and other people. Chad says he didn't do that. Derek said a bullshit phrase I hate: "perception is reality." I'm done with this conversation. Evidently, so is Chad who walks away.

After a commercial break (during which time I headed to the kitchen for a bowl of Special K Red Berries with unsweetened vanilla coconut almond milk--mmm), JoJo arrives and it's the rose ceremony. Already. At 24 minutes in. Um, what else does this episode entail? I know James Taylor still has to bleed...but do we need more than 90 minutes for it?

Anyway, the rose ceremony. Before I watch it (I hit pause), I must think this through. What will JoJo do? She could cut Chad loose. After all, lots of the suitors are telling her Chad is trouble. Moreover, she's even witnessed some of his negative behavior herself. In a way, that's uncharacteristic since usually these villainous characters hide their unsavory stuff from the Rose-Giver for a long time. Still, usually the troublemakers hang around until week 5 or 6. And this is only week 3/4 (in one). So based on that, I think she'll keep Chad around for one more week/episode. Let's press play and see if I'm right.

Remember that James Taylor, Chase, and crybaby ED Evan already have roses from their dates.

During this ceremony, JoJo gives roses to: Grant, Derek (boo!), Jordan, Luke the whiner, Robby (still think he's on borrowed time), Wells (ugh), James F, Vinny, Daniel (ew), Alex.

There's only one left. Who will get it??? Santa, Eyebrows, Christian, and Chad are left. And it goes to....Chad. Damn, I'm good.

JoJo tells the guys that they are going to leave the drama behind and leave the mansion. They're going on location to...somewhere. There's clip of JoJo making out with Luke, Jordan, and Robby.

Ah, they arrive at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort. I don't know where that is, but it looks lovely. I realize I could google it, but I don't care enough to bother.

There's a date card. Getting right down to things (thankfully): "Luke, I like you very mush." Luke is looking forward to his "unbelievable day" and he "has butterflies." They're in a dog sled. But it's on wheels because there's no snow. So a dog cart? Those poor dogs. Oh, I just got the mush clue because it's traveling by dog sled. Whatever. That's dumb.

Now Like has to chop some wood for their hot tub. JoJo has him strip down. "He's in impeccable shape," says JoJo. She and Luke are coordinating in their blue bathing suits. When JoJo goes to get into the hot tub, she burns her foot. That seems about right.

After a commercial break, Luke gets into the tub himself and he clearly doesn't find the temperature as obscene as she does. He lifts her in and she still thinks it's too hot. Eventually she gets in with him.

Luke just ended a sentence in "at" and then poured his champagne directly into his gullet. Ugh. Still, JoJo doesn't seem to notice because he's "GQ model" esque. He's rugged. Sexy. Mysterious. JoJo wants to know how he got to be who he is. Luke tells his story in a gravelly voice that makes me want to clear my throat so he will, too. JoJo likes it. I'm not feeling it. It isn't that he doesn't seem genuine--he does--it just felt flat to me. I'm sorry, Luke. I'm not currently Team Luke. Luckily for Luke, JoJo IS Team Luke. They kiss on stage in front of an audience as Dan + Shay sings some song. I don't know this musical act either. This whole date is a snooze for me.

Meanwhile, another date card arrives at the mansion. Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Grant, Evan, Jordan, Robby "We. Could. Go. All. The. Way." The guys going on the date are happy. Alex and Chad are the only two not on the card. The men assume that Alex and Chad will be going on a 2-on-1 date with JoJo, which usually means that one of the two of them won't return from that date. Alex has deemed it a "good versus evil" situation, and is convinced he'll come out on top. Chad is muscular.

The group date is taking place at Heinz Field. Oh great. It's a football date. There's real football people there. I'm not bothering about spelling their names or even caring who they are. I'm already completely disinterested in this date. There's ball throwing. There's hair tossing (by the men). There's running. James Taylor is bleeding from the eye! The medic wants him to get stitches but James doesn't want to leave so he toughs it out.

Back at the mansion, Luke, Alex, and Chad have an awkward exchange. Snooze.

Back on the field, the losers play ball. Evan gets a bloody nose. Again. That's two in one episode. What a tool. And Chad isn't there to blame this time, even in jest.

Some team won. Blue. I believe their team name is Bloody Tools. White is whining in the locker room. They're the Whiny Tools. They go back to the house and cry some more about it. Boo hoo hoo.

The winners go out with JoJo for a cocktail party. JoJo claims today was one of the most fun days she's ever had in her entire life. To me, that's a sad state of affairs.

Robby is chatting with JoJo and they're annoying me. Robby's bedroom voice is also gravelly. He lifts her onto the pool table. JoJo remarks that there's something in Robby that's going to blow her away. Interesting word choice, JoJo.

Now she's kissing Derek. Now she's kissing James Taylor's boo boo. And now his lips. Now she's talking to Jordan about how he's hard to read. She wants him to open up more. Better get on it, Jordan. Glad we had that talk--Jordan listened to me. He tells her that he feels like he's falling for her. Now they're kissing, too. Now she's going to hand out a date rose. I'm gonna guess Robby because of the blowing away bit. Ooh. I was wrong. It was Jordan. Oh who cares?

Date card has arrived. It is, indeed, a double date. Either Alex or Chad will be going home. Luke is trying to play interviewer and it falls flat. "Chad, if you are sent home, why do you think that is?" he asks. Chad does what he does best: starts talking shit and threatens to fight people. Chad offers to fight Alex. Then Grant. Then anyone who has a problem with him. Alex reminds the other guys the bad energy will end the next day.

I'm going to be miffed if we don't get the rose ceremony on this episode. Which means of course this won't be resolved tonight.

Ooh. Chad just told Jordan he will find Jordan at his house after this whole thing ends. You know, to kick Jordan's ass. Sigh. Chad needs to stop trying to fight everyone. He needs to just chill.

Alex finishes putting on his patriotic knee high socks and re-joins the group. The guys are all sitting on the couch and they tell Alex how Chad just threatened Jordan. They all laugh. Then Chad walks in the room, sits on a chair behind them without saying anything, and they all stop talking. It's tres awkward. Wow. Crickets. Tres awkward. Chad's facial expression is chilling. Evan might get a bloody nose if he looks at it...

On the date--they are hiking in the woods!--JoJo tells the camera she feels sick. Me too, JoJo. She says she has felt instant chemistry with Chad and although there's drama with it, there's also a soft side to him that she likes. On the other hand, there's Alex. She likes Alex, but she's not sure if she's ready to take it to the next level. In other words, she doesn't feel anything with Alex.

Basically, if Chad can manage to keep his shit together on this date and not start a fight or get goaded into anything, he has a very real chance of getting this rose.

JoJo steals Alex away for a chat. But not about her relationship with Alex, of course. No, she wants to talk about Chad.

Uh oh. Alex just told JoJo all the whack crap Chad has done, including that recent threat against her boyfriend Jordan. JoJo is now concerned and has to figure out who Chad really is.

She pulls Chad away for some alone time and confronts Chad with what Alex just told her. JoJo is not happy with Chad's (lame) responses. She's going off alone to "think." Methinks Chad has run out of chances. I don't see her letting it go. Oh wait. She's trying to talk herself into keeping him, using the fact that his mom died 6 months ago to excuse some of his outbursts. No, no JoJo. Don't do that. You'll kick yourself later.

Meanwhile, while JoJo is working to convince herself that Chad is a wounded bird, he's approaching Alex menacingly, whistling a scary Mockingjay-esque whistle after having just told the camera, "I asked Alex to stop talking about me, to just leave me out of it. But he didn't listen. So now there's only one thing to do..." Fade to black. Ten mins left of this epi. Will a decision get made? Will Chad attack Alex?

Chad joins Alex back on the blanket. Alex and Chad sit in silence. Chad breaks the silence to tell Alex he isn't very happy with Alex. "I'm not mad," he says, "I'm just disappointed." There's a weird gleam in his eye, as though he just made a joke. Alex is stoic. Then Chad adds how he'd like to hurt Alex. Alex tells Chad all the reasons he finds Chad terrible, and Chad attempts once more to say people have misjudged him and have attacked him, etc.

JoJo interrupts. She picks up the rose. She asks Chad point-blank if he threatened people in the house. He tries to hedge. "I mean, like, I may have said stuff that wasn't a good idea..." Alex contradicts Chad, setting the record straight about what, exactly, Chad said. Chad claims he only said that stuff in defense because they pushed him. JoJo is done with this shiznaz. Basically, she tells him she doesn't believe he is who he's been with her, and she has no room for a person who solves issues through violence and threats. Then she gives the rose to Alex and they get outta there fast while Chad stands pacing and looking flummoxed.

The producer person goes back to the resort to fetch Chad's bag to banish him. The dudes in the house are doing shots. Chad is still walking through the woods whistling like a psycho.

There's a scene of JoJo and Alex cuddling by a fire, interspersed with flashes to Chad roaming the now-darkening forest still whistling and finally arriving to a door. He knocks and it turns out he's made his way back to the resort where his non-friends and now-former competitors are staying. They look terrified at the prospect of him being there. He claws at the door.

And then the scenes from the next show--two weeks hence--show JoJo crying, sobbing how she "hates him" (the him in question is not divulged at this time); Chad pointing his finger at Jordan; a confrontation at the resort; JoJo being comforted by someone and not wanting any of the guys to leave and saying they need to know what's going on...or some such. It sounds scary.

I know they're big on the false editing (all the blood from tonight's episode is proof enough of that), but who knows? Maybe the guys weren't being babies before. Maybe Chad really IS that crazy. I guess we'll see. Until then...

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