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Monday, June 6, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 3, Part 1 -- Everyone really REALLY hates Chad

I'm about to start watching the third episode of Season JoJo. I'll admit I'm kinda pissed that this week the network is subjecting us to not one, but two 2-hour episodes. It's simply more Bachelorette than anyone needs in a given week.

The DVR episode summary reads: One lucky bachelor enjoys a day of hot yoga with JoJo and a private performance from country star Charles Kelley. Also: one suitor creates chaos when he announces he doesn't want to go on the group date; 12 guys visit an LA theater where they are required to share stories about their sex lives in front of a live audience; and JoJo takes one bachelor swing dancing and to Lover's Lane.

Pre-show thoughts: Hot yoga? Sounds more like a punishment than a reward. I don't know who Charles Kelley is. I'm sure it's Chad who creates chaos (although I must say, I hope he actually refuses to go on the group date instead of just complaining about it. I'd love to see how that would go over!) Sharing stories about their sex lives? Keepin' it classy, ABC.

Ok. Let's do this. (I went ahead and passed by all the preview shite. Ain't nobody got time for that.)

They're in the mansion and... there's a literal snore-fest to start off. Foreshadowing much?

The house is a pigsty. There's plates of meat everywhere. Someone is remarking that the mess of the place parallels how Chad is still around when so many other, better guys got sent home. Evan makes a funny and says Chad has two sides of him: a douche and an asshole. Ah, feeling the love.

Chris Harrison has arrived to explain that there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date this week. Chris looks nice in blue. He should wear it more often. Too bad his looking good doesn't make him any more relevant or necessary to the show. Oh wait-- they just cut to him cleaning up toilet paper. Janitorial services are part of the contract.

Chase gets the first one-on-one. I'm having trouble figuring out who Chase it. Oh, Chase is one of the dudes who didn't have a date last week. He and JoJo are doing hot yoga. Chase hopes he's wearing enough deodorant. The struggle is real.

The yoga instructor is telling them their yogic experience is going to be intimate and asks how long they've been intimate. There's some awkward giggles since they've only known each other a week. This is starting off so well. And it just keeps getting better since now the yoga instructor is showing them how to "anger-gasm." (I'm not making this up. That's legit what she just called it. On national television.) First, they grunt "hey hey hey hey" whilst thrusting their pelvic areas. Then they have a mini tantrum on the floor. Yeah. Wow. Another classic Bachelorette date for the books.

They cut back to the mansion where Chad and Dan are working out looking like even bigger tools than the anger-gasmers.

JoJo said she wants to die of embarrassment. Me, too, JoJo. This whole thing is incredibly embarrassing to witness.

Now the yoga instructor has brought in a partner to demonstrate the next move. They're doing this super intimate yoga pose (called Yab Yum or some shit) wherein JoJo is straddling Chase. Intense gazes, very close bodies. The way he's looking at her is sort of hot, I'm not gonna lie. He definitely looks like he wants to kiss her. Aaaaand-- ooh! Called that one! They're kissing. I support that kiss. In fact, I would rate that the best kiss I've watched on the program so far. It looked the most natural and intimate and heart-felt. So much so I had to look away to give them some privacy. When I glanced back, I found I wasn't the only one...the yoga instructors disappeared, too.

After showering (I hope!) JoJo and Chase have dinner and enjoy a nice getting-to-know-you conversation about Chase's parents' history and what he's looking for in life and a life partner. He wants to find the right person and be all one-and-done. JoJo likes what he's saying. She feels a connection, sees a potential future. Chase, my friend, I'm rooting for you. You've impressed me, too. Not surprisingly, she grants him the date rose and they enjoy a private concert given by the country singer I don't know.

Back at the mansion, the next date card arrives. Eyebrows reads off the names. It's pretty much everyone in the room. Specifically, Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali (Eyebrows), Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad -- "Love has no secrets" it says. Especially not on this show, amiright?

Robby laments, wishing his name was on that date card. Chad counters saying he doesn't want to go on a group date. The men are all over that. Jordan tells him that's pretty much what this competition is. Other guys tell him it's disrespectful to say that stuff. When Evan offers to get a Sharpie to cross off Chad's name, Chad basically tells him to shut up.

Someone tries to diffuse the awkwardness by saying that if they have to be a team on this date, they will need to work together. Jordan makes a crack insinuating that Chad is stupid. Homey don't play that and shit gets intense kind of fast. Chad lobs one at Jordan: "You're a 27 year old failed football player." He tells him the only thing he's ever done is hurl around some leather. Alex, who hates Chad, says something (I don't recall his wording, but it was another Chad insult) so Chad lobs one at Alex whom he calls a "25 year old asshole" and tells him he'll need more tattoos to look tough. Then Chad tries to stare down Alex who appears completely unfazed, even as Chad asks if anyone wants to "go."

As if on cue, my husband breaks the tension by texting at this moment to ask if I want something from Starbucks. As a matter of fact, yes. I am trying the new vanilla sweet cream cold brew. Stay tuned.

Fresh back from commercial break. In the limos on the way to the group date, Chad is still bitching about how there's "too many dudes" and Alex is still saying how Chad is a douche. They're not in the same limo, and Alex's limo is plotting how they want to bring something up to set off Chad so he'll show his "true colors" to JoJo. Yeah. That sounds like it's going to go well... oy.

Ok, so the limo pulls up to this theater. JoJo doesn't tell them what sort of show they're going to see. It's a lady having (faking? really not sure.) an orgasm. The men look uncomfortable. Chad rolls his eyes in a manner that pretty much sums up how not into this whole scene he is. Jordan looks like this may be the first O he's ever witnessed. Some other guys just don't know what to make of it. Honestly, it's terrible.

Side note: I think Ali may have trimmed up his eyebrows a bit. Just in the middle. They seem slightly less outta control than before.

The guys find out that they're about to go on stage and share their own "crazy sex stories." James F (I think?) talks to camera and tells his mom to turn off the TV and never turn it back on. I kinda wish I could follow the same directions.

My husband has returned bearing my drink. It is DELICIOUS. Sadly, I got a grande and slurped it down and now I'm without it as I suffer through this ridiculousness. This spectacle is one of the things I hate about the show. It's like making women prance around in bikinis. The men need to talk about their sexual past on stage to strangers? NO. I would never do that, and I would never ask someone to do it. I would refuse to be part of the whole thing. They don't even know JoJo yet. And yet they're expected to share private details about their sex lives with not only her but a national audience? No way. No. Way.

What's this? Now Chad is saying the same thing. He just said sex is something you keep to yourself. JoJo hasn't earned that yet (getting to know his sexual history, etc). His life is his business. Wow. My feelings for Chad are complex. I am very turned off by his overall attitude and behavior. However, he says SO MANY THINGS I agree with, at least inasmuch as the show is concerned. I'm torn.

You know what? I'm not going to watch that part. On principle. I'm fast-forwarding through it. I can see JoJo is laughing. Someone is sticking out his tongue as though simulating...licking something... someone took off some clothes. Yeah, no.

Now Evan is up. I'm going to watch his because he was plotting beforehand, saying how he was going to goad Chad into reacting in the audience. Alex is salivating as Evan starts out. Evan is talking about the dangers of steroid use and 'roid rage. Chad's temple is throbbing. People are looking around to see how Chad is reacting. When Evan came back to sit down in the audience, Chad pulled Evan's shirt. Pretty sure it ripped. JoJo is quite turned off by the violence she witnessed.

Now it's Chad's turn. He brings JoJo up on stage and says today isn't about the past, it's about the future. Then he leans in for a kiss. JoJo gave him her cheek. Yikes. Alex yells "crash and burn, dude!" Chad does a mic drop. JoJo is disappointed he's not saying more. I have respect for him that he didn't tell a crazy sex story, but he shouldn't have grabbed Evan's shirt right before he went up on stage.

After the show, Chad goes in the back, punches a wall, then threatens to kill Evan ("you're gonna die, dude"). Dan--Chad's best friend in the house!-- tells Chad to calm down and that it was in good fun.

Here's some thoughts. First off, I've lost major respect for Alex. I know that Chad is an ass and bringing down an ass can feel good, but he's lowering himself to Chad's level and that's no good. Secondly, Evan was all, "It's all in fun. I was doing comedy!" but he's full of shit, too. He set out to goad and enrage Chad. He didn't do it all in fun. I'm not saying Chad didn't have it coming to him (he's been an asshat to the other guys and was playing games with them, too, all last week and ongoing), but I am saying don't be a liar, ED Evan. Finally, Chad needs to get himself under control or he's going home. Or to jail.

The mood around the round-table (with JoJo) after the event is awkward. JoJo has her one-on-one conversations with the guys.

Starts with Jordan. He just said "where I'm at." Ugh. That is my number one language pet peeve. The word AT is completely unnecessary in that sentence. Just leave it off. Please, for the love of god, stop ending sentences with the word AT. It needs to STOP.

Just like the montage of these conversations. Sigh.

Chad just went to interrupt a conversation but JoJo was having NONE OF IT. But Chad didn't really go far away. So JoJo and whatever unimportant dude with whom she was conversing had to leave the area. Chad returns to the other guys, and Vinny is trying to chat him up. Chad is telling his version of events as to what happened earlier (according to Chad, he tried to tell Evan to let him get out before Evan sat down, but Evan barrelled right past him which is why Chad grabbed Evan's shirt. Also, Chad doesn't care that Evan made those steroid jokes. Also, Chad only retaliates; he doesn't start shit. He doesn't want to come off like a jerk.) The other guys don't seem to buy his story. Now Evan is trying to confront Chad. Chad is telling Evan that he's trying to bully Chad. Evan seems incredulous. A fly zips into Evan's open mouth. (I wish.)

The thing is, I partially see Chad's point. These guys DO seem to have latched on to him as the villain. Again, that's not to say he isn't a dick and the other guys are reacting to HIS behavior, but this show operates so much on the way the material is edited, that to not consider the flip side of this would be foolish.

The last one-on-one date card arrives at the house. Luke just said he's going to cry in a corner if he doesn't get the date. Well, Lukie, better get some tissues because JoJo picked James Taylor for it.

Chad does voice-overs as every guy continues to sit down with JoJo. Now it's his turn. He doesn't have a way with words. He just gave an analogy that Evan tried to bully the bully. JoJo was all, "Don't be a bully!" haha. Oh, Chad. Go eat a ham roll or something, buddy. JoJo tells Chad she's confused about him, that she's seen lots of sides to him. Now Evan just interrupted the Chad convo, making Chad pissed and JoJo...relieved?

Now ED Evan is telling JoJo that he won't stay if Chad stays. Ooh. Ultimatum time. Bold move, fella. JoJo isn't loving the situation.

I don't see JoJo sending Chad home just because Evan said that. The guys, however, are positively tickled at the prospect.

JoJo pulls Evan aside and gives him the date rose. But I feel like what she said to him was not a commitment to dump Chad so much as it was her saying she'd like Evan to stay. When Evan and JoJo re-join the group, Chad looks completely flummoxed. Oh SHIIIIIIIT. Chad is making faces while JoJo is talking about how she gave Evan the rose and how it's always a hard decision to pick someone. JoJo calls Chad out. He's all, "Is this for real right now? Are you vibing on this guy?" JoJo is pissed, telling him he's being rude and she doesn't like this side of him. The other guys are LOVING it. Chad is due for an angergasm, yo. What a damned train wreck this day is for Chad. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.

Now Derek is scared to sleep next to Chad. The house is talking about Chad and his aggression. Security is watching over Chad in the bedroom. Oh COME ON. They are laying it on pretty thick up in here.

Time for the last one-on-one. JoJo and James Taylor are dressed like 50s folk. I'm not digging JoJo's bangs swoosh, but I love her polka dot dress. J&J are going to dance. Honestly, I give no shits about this part. I just can't even. James has a nice smile, I see as I fast forward through this part.

Security is milling around. Chad is eating again. He thinks the guys are being "wussies." (They kind of are, honestly. This is SO sensationalized!) Dan is trying to advise his buddy to keep a cool head. Dan is a waste of space.

That anti-Pat Toomey cat commercial is on again. The kitty scratching her little kitty friend's back is so cute!

The show is back. Security is still around. Chad is eating again. A whole yam this time. Ew. There's not even honey butter and cinnamon sugar on it. Blech. Dan is telling Chad people think Chad is a loose canon. Dan, ever the wordsmith, says, "Let's pretend your Hitler." Chad is all, "Let's not pretend I'm Hitler." So Dan is like, "Ok, not Hilter. But, like, Donald Trump." His horrible, inarticulate point is that when he, Dan, hangs out with and talks to Big Bad Chad, it drags Dan down. Dan sums up, "So be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini is what I'm saying." Hot damn! This is gold! Meanwhile, Chad is just staring at Dan as though trying to process the stupid. Then he chomps down on a heart of romaine lettuce, raw and undressed.

Arrrrgghhhhhh! JoJo just said to James, "Can we just take a moment and look at where we're at?" NOOOOOOOO. How about you just take a moment and look at where you are. STOP THERE.

James and JoJo are having a heart to heart, reliving their date. La la la. JoJo likes him and finds him amazing B-U-T...she's not sure there is a romantic connection. Aka, she's not attracted to him. Still, JoJo tells James how he's so great. James tells her he's not perfect. He confesses that he has an inferiority complex when it comes to his looks. (Some guys made fun of him when he was a kid.) I'm not gonna lie-- he's getting to me with this story. This poor guy. He seems super sweet. She just gave him a rose. Too bad he's playing another song. That's getting old.

But otherwise? This guy is the real deal. She needs to consider him seriously.

So I don't think there is going to be a rose ceremony in this episode. Which means they're going to draw this shit out for two more hours tomorrow??? What could they possibly do for two hours tomorrow if all the dates happened today?

Oh wait. Chris Harrison is back. In pink this time. Not as good a look for him, gotta say. But he's come to answer my question. He tells the men there's no cocktail party tonight. But JoJo wants to have an all-day pool party. So I guess the all-day pool party will suck two hours of my life away tomorrow night. Thanks JoJo and ABC.

The guys' reaction? "JoJo in a bikini?! Yay!!!!"  Except Chad. He doesn't want to see JoJo in a bikini because that means everyone else will see her in one. He can imagine what she looks like in a bathing suit by looking at her in her clothes. He wants to save the image.

Chris Harrison walks out. But Evan follows. Wherever can he be going and to what end? 

ED Evan is tattling on Chad to Chris. Wow. I don't like Chad. But Evan is being SUCH a baby. Here's the thing, ED: You already gave your ultimatum to JoJo. She gave you the rose. She's about to come spend the day with the group so she'll be around to keep Chad in check or to witness him doing something that'll get him sent home. Either way, you have to co-exist with this guy for another 12 hours or something. So just deal with it. If she ends up keeping Chad after that, then maybe you need to re-assess, but let's get through the rose ceremony first. But no. That's not good enough. Whining to JoJo (after YOU started shit with your "jokes" against Chad at the stand-up thing) wasn't good enough. The security guards aren't good enough. Now Chris Harrison has to be brought in? I'm sorry. But Evan, you are flaccid, brother. 

It's a sad day when I feel forced to defend Chad, but this is ridonk.

Now Chris has returned from the tattle sesh with Evan and Chad gets called to the principal's office. This is so lame. Chris tells Chad he, Chris Harrison, has to draw the line somewhere. That somewhere is violence. He's not sending Chad home, but instructs him to go settle it with Evan "in a way that will be well-received."

So of course Chad's reaction is to walk away and say to camera how he wants to kill everyone and scatter body parts all around. I'm not 100% fluent in Chris Harrison's language, but I'm pretty sure that's not what he had in mind. Oh man. There's a shit storm a-brewin', people.

But we'll have to wait until tomorrow for the carnage. The preview showed lots of blood (Evan had a bloody face; possibly James Taylor, too, surprisingly) and JoJo looking and sounding distraught.

I'm distraught that I'm still watching this. Hopefully I can wrangle another one of those Starbucks beverages for my viewing party. Next time I'll request a Venti.

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