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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 5: Too Much Boring; Missing Chad Drama

I'm blogging a day late. But luckily, because of the magic of DVR, I can watch tonight. Sitting on my couch whilst holding a cup of coffee (it's too late in the day for coffee but since I didn't get to drink any this morning, I don't even care) and my lovely oldest daughter cuddled up against me for the first couple minutes until my husband makes her come up to bed. Or she gets bored with the show because, let's face it, it's not that entertaining to an 8 year old. At least, I hope it isn't.

As for me--and I can't believe I'm about to write this--I kinda missed the show last week. Yikes. What have I become? I blame Chad. (What? Everyone else blames him for everything. Why can't I?)

Ok, let's get started. (My daughter was called to bed already. The only thing she got to see is me writing seven different versions of the second sentence of this entry and a flash of Chad frozen on screen. It's for the best.)

The episode is beginning with a recap of the Chad situation that was built up and came to a head two weeks back. Including JoJo saying, "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you." Ouch.

So apparently all of this business is taking place in Nemocolin, PA. I had no clue they were in my home state. I thought they were in Tennessee. Oopsies.

The dudes are back at the house having a protein powder funeral for Chad, because that's the kind of losers they have in the house this season. They're throwing the powder about as though it's ashes whilst Chad, unbeknownst to them, is whistling his serial-killer tune walking through the forest back toward them. "Death to tyrants," one of them says. (Pretty sure it was Wells. What kind of name is Wells?) Then there's a cut to Robby who is all, "See ya, never ever ever ever ever again." Uh, Robby, haven't you seen this show before? Even if Chad wasn't stalking through the forest to confront your ass, you'd still see him at the Men-Tell-All show before the finale. Duh. Everyone knows that.

And suddenly, right on cue, Chad's at the house. The dudes seem like they're acting as if they don't know he's been cut. Or something. Jordan is trying to be a peacemaker; he just fake apologized and would like Chad to fake apologize back. Naturally, Chad will not. Dan the Dick, Chad's only "friend", cannot be bothered to stop eating his bowl of soup or cereal or whatever. Nice guy. I used to be friends with people like him. Never ends well, but is no great loss in the scheme of things. Ah well. Live and learn, Chad. Now Evan asks if Chad has his wallet because he still owes Evan a shirt. Dude, Evan, get the eff over it. All Chad will give Evan is a joke about Evan's "dick" job. And--WHOA--a whopping punch in his face. Oh man! Evan is bleeding all over the place. This is BARBARIC. The other guys are just watching and doing nothing. Robby and that All-4-One guy are crying in a corner, they're so scared of Chad.

Oh wait. I just made up that stuff. After the joke about Evan's job, Chad just leaves. Thanks for the tease, ABC, of something *actually* happening, when in fact nothing at all happened. Anti-climax much? (Yes.)

Now there's a cut to JoJo and Alex kissing. Sorry, but I just don't feel like she's that into him. I think she gave Alex the rose to stick it to Chad, not because she really wanted Alex to have it. The one-on-one time they had together is so insignificant that the editors didn't even bother showing any of it. All of Alex's time went to Chad. This is so lame.

Alex just returned from his date. He is the group's hero. They have him up on their shoulders. They're calling him Dragon Slayer. This couldn't be dumber. (You know how I said I missed this show last week? I changed my mind. I UNmiss it now.)

Great news, everyone! Chad is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. He's in the promo. (I'm NOT watching that show. Even I have television standards, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

Oh look, the commercial is over. Looks like JoJo might be doing a rose ceremony or something. Oh, it's a cocktail party. Evan just said he feels like JoJo sending Chad home sends the message she's really in this for real, and that all the remaining guys are in it for the right reasons and there's good energy in the house and whatnot. Uh, Evan? You're an idiot. Chad being gone changes nothing. Except making the show less exciting.

Chase pulls JoJo aside to bounce around in giant bubbles. I wish I was making that up.

Robby thinks his relationship with JoJo is more advanced than other ones. He has her make a wish and alludes to a ring in 6 weeks. JoJo pretends she doesn't know how to toss a penny in a fountain. "Uh, how do I do this exactly?" Maybe she took one to the head whilst bouncing around in balls a few minutes ago.

Dudes are all "uh oh" Robby is kissing JoJo. I don't care.

Side-Profile (Luke) goes over to confer with Shortie (Alex) about whether they should try to seek out time to talk with JoJo at the cocktail party since they both already have roses. Alex was all "screw everyone. I'm getting time." Man code OFF. 

James F reads a poem to JoJo. Alex, mercifully, interrupts. But still gets almost no time. Because he's boring, too.

Luke interrupts Dan (whose "job," I just noticed, is listed as "Canadian." Interesting.)

Oh look. Now the dudes are missing Chad. Especially the huge losers. Before, they had a "common enemy" in him but now they realize he's gone and other guys are suddenly like, oh, now I only have myself to blame for not getting time with JoJo. Perhaps the realization that all the smack talk Chad hurled at them was accurate.

JoJo and Jordan are making out on the other side of a wall from where the guys are sitting. Classy.

Time for roses. There are 8 to give out. Jordan, Luke, and Alex already have one. Evan is "disconcerted" that things seem so cut-throat. I don't know what he thought this experience was going to be. Ah well. His days are numbered anyway. Soon he'll have plenty of time to go shopping to replace his torn shirt.

Derek, Robby, Chase get roses. Wells is asking himself if he's done enough with the time he's had. My vote is no, he hasn't. Unless being a whining baby and leading the protein powder brigade counts as an effective use of one's time. But JoJo disagrees because Wells gets a rose. Ew. As does Grant, Vinny, James Taylor, and Evan. That means James F (the boxer dude) and Dan the Dick have been axed. At least Dan can go back to his hard work as a Canadian. As Dan walks out, he remarks that JoJo is obviously picking men based on personality (he confesses his is shit) and not on looks. According to him, if it was about looks, he'd still be there for sure. First off, no you wouldn't. You aren't attractive. You resemble a rodent. Secondly, I should hope she IS picking based on personality. Sheesh. His parting words were some horrible analogy about shaving his face. Stupid to the end. Well played, Dan.

JoJo announces the remaining men and she are headed to Uruguay. Wow. Pennsylvania AND Uruguay? ABC is really pulling out all the stops this season...

JoJo is walking the beaches. She values trust. Ooh. I love that pensive coffee-drinking-staring-thoughtfully-out-the-hotel-window outfit! White slacks, navy sweater trimmed in orange. Love it!

Jordan just got the first one-on-one in Uruguay. Oh look. The men are totes being bad sports about the dude they view as their number one competition. They remark on his hair flip. Say he's there to get another stamp on his passport. Claim he's not there for the right reasons. Claim they don't trust him. Standard flop for anyone feeling threatened.

While JoJo and Jordan are making out and looking at seals, Vinny the barber gives Alex a trim, and the men read tabloid magazines about JoJo. Ooh. I hope they ask her about the rags! That would go over SO well. She'd love hearing that they put some credence in claims that she was still dating her ex-boyfriend throughout the taping of The Bachelor (Ben's season).

Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex will be going on a group date. But they're all worried about this stupid magazine article they read. Ok, really, WHY would they believe anything they read in one of those magazines? Sigh. Also, how did they even get the article? Isn't that frowned upon? Not allowed? Aren't they supposed to be cut off from the real world? The producers probably gave it to them because there's nothing interesting happening with Chad gone. (Seriously. They probably did. Watch UnReal on Lifetime and you'll see what I mean...)

JoJo apparently talked to a girl who used to date Jordan who told her that Jordan isn't a good boyfriend. She's asking him about it. He looks kinda pissed. He's drinking to stall. He's running his hand through his hair. He's blaming it on sports. She asked him, "Was there cheating?" and he quite quickly said, "No," and then she said, "I wish I could read your mind" and he said, "I'm not really thinking anything." Um, weird. Yet she seems satisfied with his answers. When he told her earlier in the day that he was falling in love with her, it made her heart skip a beat. He has earned a date rose. She is super into him.

JoJo is really happy when she returns to the hotel talking about her date with Jordan that was "pure magic" and says, "I'm so happy. I don't think anything could take away this feeling." The producers are all, "Is that a dare?" and gave her the magazine article. She's crying. She hates her bitter ex-boyfriend. She puts on a big, long sweater-robe and heads up to talk to the guys. She's crying again. She's explaining to them, reassuring them that she's here for the right reasons.

I'm bored. There's still almost an hour left.

EEEEEW. Robby and Jordan are at the spa. They're talking about the JoJo magazine thing again. I really don't want to see their feet as they get pedicures. Jordan is eating the cucumbers from his eyes. What a tool.

While those two get pretty, JoJo channels her inner Mad Max on the desert dunes. Sand surfing. It looks brutal. Evan predicts he's getting another bloody nose today. I would hate this date. I HATE sand.

A date card arrives back at the hotel after the spa day has ended. It would be SO hilarious if it wasn't for Robby. But there's no one else there so of course it's for him. But I wish it wasn't. I don't like Robby. He's, like, greasy. I don't know what other word to use to describe him.

The men from the sand date are chatting with JoJo. Derek is being a whiny baby. I just realized I don't like any of these men. I need to see her with Chase again, because I liked him with her on that one-on-one date, but that was weeks ago and today he did that idiocy with the bubbles, so...

Let's review:

James-- eh. He's a nice guy. I could live with him winning, but he won't.
Evan, Wells, Derek-- whiny babies
Vinny-- don't know him, but has no real chance
Alex--smarmy (but, admittedly, he has a handsome face; he also appears to be growing out some kind of beard and it kinda works on him just as well as the clean-shaven look)
Robby--greasy nerd alert
Me--hungry; would like a snack

Alex doesn't like Derek. He's giving off a "vibe of insecurity"-- YES! Agreed.  Alex is talking to JoJo now, talking about how real this is and how great. But...nope. Her face tells me she's not feeling him at all. Yes, she kissed him but I think it was more to shut him up. 

Oh no. She just gave cry-baby Derek the rose because, as Alex put it, "he's an insecure little bitch."

JoJo and Robby are on a boring date. I don't care about it. There was a dog. Some sandwiches. Some rock climbing. Kisses. Blerg. Her shorty shorts have a very annoying string across the back. Someone needs to cut that off. It's distracting. Robby and JoJo (in matching aqua shoes! Twinsies!) jump off a cliff into the water. They both surfaced, even though I'm drowning in my own drool because I've fallen asleep because NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Robby is telling camera how he loves JoJo (already????) and is pondering whether to tell her. I vote no, Rob. Too soon. I sense he will ignore me.

The men are giving Derek shit about JoJo's wording that she gave him the date rose for "reassurance." Alex has clearly stepped into the alpha role that Chad formerly held. No wonder Alex worked so hard to oust Chad.

This episode sucks. JoJo's date with Robby is brutal to watch. I don't mean to be rude since Robby is sad about the story he's sharing with her (how he lost his BFF in a freak accident last year and now he's all about living life to the fullest because tomorrow isn't sure) but it feels so scripted. He ended up telling her he loves her. He got a rose. There were fireworks (literally--they watched them from the beach). She can see herself falling in love with him. I can see myself up in bed.

Men walking through pouring rain for their cocktail party. The interior of the hotel (or wherever they've set up for tonight's shindig) is lovely.

Derek asks to talk to Alex, Robby, Jordan, and Chase and wants to "slough this negativity off" of him. You know what's good for that? A loofah. Instead, he's using his words. They don't work. The guys still seem pretty negative toward him. The loofah would've been a stronger choice.

Of the people who don't have a rose, I'd like to see Wells, Evan, and Alex gone first. In that order. Like the other guys, I wish Derek didn't have a rose.

Chris Harrison just arrived to deliver fantastic news (fantastic for me because I've just about had it with this episode; quite startling and scary for the dudes): JoJo doesn't want a cocktail party tonight. Eff yeah! AND 3 dudes will be cut tonight. Sweeeeet. Let's move this shiz along, shall we?

I was just going to speculate which three guys I think she'll cut, but I actually think it'll be the 3 I'd like to see go. Vinny and Grant are on borrowed time, too, though. If they make it through tonight, they're the next to go. Aw, Evan wants to be "a frickin' frontrunner." That's LOL-worthy.

Loving the green evening gown JoJo is sporting tonight. She "knows in her gut" the decisions she needs to make. So here's the keepers: Luke (no surprise), Chase, Alex (dammit!), James, and Wells. (WHHHHHHYYYYYY!?)

Oh well. Doesn't matter. Next time, Alex and Wells will go.

Evan is crying. He's worried the store won't have a shirt in his preferred color. Grant "doesn't get it" and thinks JoJo made a big mistake. Vinny is bummed, but he doesn't truly care. Even though he's crying, too. I like his tie. Hmm. Still crying. Perhaps he cares more than I thought. But I predict he'll get over it fast once he's away from the camera.

The previews for the upcoming episodes look eventful. Which probably means they'll be as terribly dull as tonight's episode. Still, JoJo's blue gown next week is stunning. I want it for my very own. In other news, looks like JoJo falls for someone who will hurt her. Poor JoJo. Maybe we should stop watching now. If only...

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