Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 8

Episode 8 starts off with Dr. P reminding us that the couples are getting back to reality with only 5 weeks left of the experiment. Whereas before they were honeymooning and moving in together, now they’re more to the day-to-day type stuff that makes up life. In addition, the couples are no longer strangers. Uh, relatively speaking. 

The action (and I use that term loosely…) opens with Danielle and Bobby getting up for the day. Bobby shows us his routine: Get up, let the dogs out, make coffee, pack a lunch for Danielle. Danielle remarks that Bobby is beyond her imaginings as she didn’t expect to find a spouse who does so much to help her and make her life easier/better. I bet it’s extra nice because that 90-minute commute from his house to her job is NO JOKE. YIKES. Also, I can’t help but note that if Bobby (or Danielle) packed the lunch the night before, it would save time in the morning. Just saying.

Next up to the high-rise. Rev Cal is visiting Mia and Tristan to check in on them. He starts with Tristan. Cal wants to know how T is with trust. He said he’s getting there. Mia comes back and they tackle the issue of moving to Houston since, as T points out, the lease at this place runs out in a month and his job is flexible and he kinda wants to move. Mia tells Cal she told Tristan that he is home to her so where he goes, she goes, but then she adds that she’s not sure if moving to Houston would let her be her best self. Rev Cal tells them to make a pro-con list to help them make a choice. I think it would be a colossal mistake for them to move together. Or even to stay together. Seriously, these two are doomed. Just end it now, pleaaaaase. 

And just like that, it’s BOYS’ NIGHT OUT. The three married dudes and Cal. They discuss how they feel about marriage. Then, as the meals come out, Cal sets them up for a world of hurt by asking them to rate (on a 1-10 scale) how their wives are so far as wives. (Whatever the hell THAT means…) Cal says it’s for him to have a barometer or where the guys are in their marriage satisfaction and so forth, but really we know it’s just to start trouble with the couples so the show can get good footage of issues-a-brewin’.

Bobby, of course, has no issues whatsoever and gives Danielle a 10. He’s super enthused. She’s perfect. He’s perfect. Their partnership is perfect. This is the best experience he’s ever had in his whole life. The others look at him sorta sick-like, especially Tristan who is stuck married to Stalker Mia. Dave drops another of those “good for you” phrases he doesn’t mean.

Dave gives Amber a more realistic 7.5. He thinks she’s great, and things have been good BUUUUUUUT… she hasn’t been a rock-star yet. He says how Amber stresses herself out and he’s had to sort of be there for her a lot of days. He wonders what if he has a bad day some day? Can she comfort him? (Spoiler alert: When Amber hears this rating, his day is gonna get bad realllllly quickly.) He points out that they agreed that he’d cook and she’d do the dishes, but several times she’s been too tired and he ends up doing the dishes the next day. He goes on to say that she’s got a longer commute and he can come home at lunch, so to a degree he gets it, but he’s still concerned that there’s not enough equity. Rev Cal points out that marriage is never 50-50. Sometimes one partner has to pick up 70-30 for a time, but it can flip back the other way at another time. C’est la marriage.

Tristan gives Mia an 8 (she in no way deserves…) because she has all the ingredients but she’s still working on putting it together. As usual, he’s being generous. He mentions love which starts a conversation about love and being in love. Dave makes something of the distinction, and says he’s fond of Amber but he’s not in love with her. Rev Cal wants to know how he knows and Dave says it’s just something he’d know. Rev Cal says the idea of falling in love the way some people put it sounds like something that happens to you, like falling into a puddle, but it’s not that. His theory is that love is not just this feeling you wait for, but is an intellectual decision to commit to someone and their needs and to do whatever possible to fulfill that until death do you part. It’s about commitment, and he informs the men that they’re all already in love. 

Bobby really likes this sentiment. He says he and Danielle already have that and he wants to discuss it further with her. 

Luckily for us, that scene is now. Bobby and Danielle discuss the night. She’s happy to know he rated her a 10 and she’d rate him a 10, too. Then he explains Rev Cal’s theory on love. He tells the camera that if that’s the definition of love, he’s 100% in love with Danielle. But he hasn’t told her yet because—wait for it!—he’s waiting until it feelsright to say it. Hahaha. So even though he likes the sentiment of love being intellectual, he still wants it to be emotional. Danielle tells camera she feels the same way, but she, too, admits she’s not ready to say the words to him yet. 

Dave and Amber are furniture shopping. She moved into his place but wants to make it feel like theirplace. They’re looking at furniture and the vibe is good. Until Amber finds out Dave rated her a 7.5 and she feels shit about it. Her insecurities about being a bad wife have now been confirmed. She wants to know what she has to do to be a 10. When he tries to defend himself and say nobody rated anyone that high, he had to be like, “Well, ok, Bobby rated Danielle a 10, but that’s ridiculous. Nobody is a 10.” Amber rolls her eyes and says, “Danielle is, apparently.” Dave also thinks Amber getting upset about this is ridiculous. Amber thinks he should at least have rated her an 8. She wonders if she’s exceptionally bad or if his expectations are too high, but either way, I don’t have a good feeling about them buying furniture now. I’m betting Dave doesn’t confess Tristan gave Mia an 8, either. LOL.

Oh, speaking of Mia and Tristan. Turns out Mia is on the dating app Tristan’s friend Goober is on. When he confronts her about it, she tries to claim she thought it had been deactivated and she’d deleted the app from her phone. Tristan tells her he doesn’t trust her. He’s shutting her out and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Who can blame him? They FaceTime with Dr. Jessica and it’s more nonsense. Try to hang in there, blah blah. Don’t take off your ring or threaten divorce because that’s emotional blackmail, blah blah. (We weren’t privy to anyone saying that, but I’m thinking if Dr. Jessica is mentioning it, perhaps it came up in the part of the conversation we didn’t see.) Try to give Mia a chance to prove herself, blah blah. When the call ends, Tristan again says they’ll get through this. Honestly, again, I don’t know why he’s bothering. It’s one thing to keep forgiving someone you’ve known and with whom you have an established relationship because maybe they deserveanother chance. But what has Mia done in the past three weeks except lie to him? (And even though the stalking charges she’s facing weren’t done TO Tristan, he’s gotto be thinking of Mia having done them to someone else and thinking about those as another strike against her.) 

Danielle is cooking for Bobby. She wants to show him that if he’s sick or something, she can take care of him. She clearly doesn’t cook often, but he appreciates the gesture. He says it’s good, but the amount left on his plate indicates the meal maybe wasn’t a 10. 

Amber is still obsessing over the 7.5 rating and brings it up at her dinner with Dave. He insists it’s not a bad rating and there’s always room for improvement. She wants to know what she’s doing or not doing that’s such a big problem. Dave says she’s aware that she’s been stressed and it’s made him have to do more than she has. She makes Dave give her an example. He says, “Well, for instance, you said you’d do the laundry. But I’ve done laundry the past two weeks.” She gets her back up immediately and says, “Your laundry! It isn’t like you’re doing more than you would’ve already been doing. It’s not like you’re doing mine.” He says, “Right, but it’s something we discussed and something you said you were going to be in charge of.” Then, conveniently, the editing shows the very conversation wherein Dave and Amber divvied up their domestic responsibilities. He said he’d do the cooking and would handle the garbage. Amber said she’d do laundry. Amber doesn’t like this reminder and she says, I never wanted to be a wife who had to do extra stuff for a husband, and this is one of the reasons I was always never wanting to get married. OUCH. Meanwhile, Amber, hon, if that’s the case, get divorced now. 

Dave thinks Amber is creating problems and is trying to be patient with her. He’s also shaken by her bombshell comment. Amber tells camera she doesn’t know why she made such a big deal about it and she’s not sure where they’ll go from here because she’s said some things she shouldn’t have and can’t take back and Dave probably won’t forget. Hi, Amber, GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, GIRL.

Dr. Pepper comes on with a helpful insight about knowing the couples have baggage they’ll need to work through but hopefully they can so they get to enjoy the love they crave and deserve. 

Tristan and Mia are going bowling. Mia bowls with the bumpers up. Fun fact: I bowled a 7 once. (Obvs Ididn’t have the bumpers up.) They have a fun night. I wish this episode was over already.

Amber sits down with Dave and admits she overreacted. She thinks it’s because she has feelings for Dave and is scared of getting hurt, so she caused a fight to protect herself. Dave thinks they need to focus on the good and stop letting fear be an impediment. Dave likes that Amber said she has feelings for him, but he’s also a little bothered that she keeps letting her insecurities get in the way. He appreciates her apology, but he also wants to see an active change. While I agree with some of Dave’s perspectives, he really does seem kind of unbending and judgmental. I don’t like him.

Next week…Dave insults Amber yet again, Mia’s sister acts like a bitch to Tristan, and Bobby might have his first issue with Danielle. (Or not. I bet there’s no issue whatsoever and it’s just editing trying to make us think there is because that’s the only drama we’ll see with these two.)

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 7

 Episode 7: Wherein Amber has a conniption over not looking enough like Jessica Biel

The married couples are waking up for the first time together in the homes they share. What they choose to do with that is up to them, Rev. Cal notes ominously. Like, uh, thanks, Cal. 

Mia and Tristan are dropping the “L” bomb on each other left and right, but Tristan qualifies to camera that while they’re saying “I love you,” he’s not IN love with Mia. Methinks Mia Stalkerino doesn’t realize there’s a differentiation.

Amber and Dave are having an awkward on-camera breakfast during which they’re rehashing an argument they had the previous night off-camera. A good-natured game of “who’s your celebrity crush?” turned into a thing when Dave revealed his is Jessica Biel and Amber got upset because she looks nothing like Jessica Biel. She explains that she has some insecurities because she’s attracted to him and is worried he’s not as attracted to her. Though Dave indicates that he’s very sexually attracted to her. (Personally, the hair color is something one could get over, but the insecurity, to me, is off-putting.) Dr. Pepper explains to camera that the experiment is set up to put commitment at the front so that these little things like small physical matters that might typically derail a budding relationship won’t be as apt to do so.

Danielle and Bobby have dogs. Bobby has crazy bed head. They’re boring so the camera goes back to Amber and Dave and their strife.

Dr. Pepper has to be called in to help Amber deal with her insecurity. Dr. P is basically like, “Girl, aren’t you two doing it a lot?” and Amber is all, “Yeah…I feel desired, but…” and Dr. P is like, “There’s more about you that matches Dave’s wish-list than the hair that doesn’t, so believe him if he says he’s into you, ‘k?” K. 

Now that *that* trouble is solved, the 3 couples are meeting up for dinner. The ones who actually had a honeymoon arrive first and wonder if Tristan and Mia will show up for this date. They are curious how T&M will act and if they’ll address the arrest situation. Previously, Tristan and Mia told two conflicting stories about what went down to interrupt the honeymoon.

The duo arrives and acts like everything is cool and normal. They oversell their “staycation” in Dallas. Everyone seems uncomfortable by, as Bobby refers to it, “the elephant in the room.” As Tristan and Mia attempt to share a meatball, Dave says what’s on everyone’s mind by broaching the subject of what happened at the airport. Um, wow. That’s bold. Because if you think about it, that’s kind of NONE OF THEIR DAMNED BUSINESS in the scheme of things. Mia and Tristan hedge big-time and fake-laugh it off, and nobody seems at all satisfied with it but they have to move on because to continue to pry would just be beyond.

The meal proceeds as the couples cover all sorts of topics: name changes? (Mia and Danielle took their hubs’ names, but Amber didn’t. Dave tells camera he doesn’t mind. It’s a big decision and they can always do it later if she wants.) Cooking? (Danielle doesn’t. Mia “crockpots.”) There’s a brief break where the couples congregate in like-gendered groupings. While the ladies gush over wedding rings, the men discuss the L-word. Tristan overshares how he and Mia say they love each other but he’s not yet in love and it comes to trust and he’s not there yet. Mia overhears him and seems rather put out that he’s telling their personal beeswax. Then the marrieds return to their seats and Tristan hits the group with, “So, do you guys do sex?” I guess turnaround is fair play and all that. 

Danielle and Bobby won’t answer that question—they want to have that aspect stay private as a couple (which I support. Even though the rest of America knows their business.) Amber haltingly admits she and Dave do it, but refuses to share additional info when Tristan pries further and wants to know if it’s good. (Yeah, he’s def getting them back for their own nosiness!) Tristan then reports that he and Mia do sex, and do it often. Someone else at the table was like, “Good for you…” but in the tone one uses when they’re actually saying, “Gross. Wish I didn’t know that.” Danielle and Bobby admit the dogs sleep with them and they get sympathetic faces, but it sort of seems to move the discussion along. Or maybe that was just the editing.

Anyway, there’s a forced group hug at the end and Tristan states that they’re family. If they are, then he’s Creepy Uncle Tristan. 

Ominous music is playing after the hug as the scene changes and it’s morning in a high-rise. 

Oh, apparently Mia and Jay-T got into a tiff last night because Mia was upset T told Dave about the trust issue. T confesses there’s a cloud over their marriage because of the trust needing to be rebuilt. Boring conversation ensues and they resolve to stick with it and get through it.

Now it’s time for the couples to hang out with family and friends!

Bobby and Danielle have dinner with his family. Bobby’s dad points out that Bobby’s freezer isn’t as moldy as before (but are there still WHOLE FROZEN DUCKS in there, I wonder???) Bobby’s sister asks what Bobby’s fave activity was on the honeymoon. He answers like so: “My favorite…activity… on the honeymoon…was…” and then everyone laughs at his lame sex joke. Bobby’s mom wants to know how Danielle’s commute has been. (Not too bad. But it’s 90 minutes!!!) I want to know how long I have to watch this boring footage before they move to someone else’s trainwreck.

Ooh goodie! Ask and ye shall receive. 

Amber and Dave time! Amber’s best friend, Zachia, and spouse, Jason, come over. Zachia—who dictates what Jason can drink and tells him he’s hit the jackpot being married to her-- is a bit much for Dave. Too bad for Dave that Zachia isn’t going anywhere. She tells camera that she and Amber are in it forever. 

Mia and Tristan are forming a game-plan for dealing with “the situation” with regard to Tristan’s mom. He thinks Mia should talk to his mom directly and explain what happened. Mia says she can’t wait. But that’s obviously bullshit. The thing is, I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m not really down with that. I don’t know that I feel like Mia owes Tristan’s mom an explanation. She’s not married to her mother-in-law. This seems like marital business to me. But Tristan obviously wants to share this part, so after saying how special and worth fighting for Mia is, he breezily and without mincing words informs his mom that Mia lied to him. Mia tries to explain it away saying she was in a heightened sense of paranoia as it was her first run-in with the law. Tristan’s mom tells Mia she was (maybe still is?) a prison guard and Mia should be scared because Momma knows what they do to the “pretty ones.” Oh shit! Then Momma wants to know if Mia has told T everything that will affect HIM. Mia says yeah. Momma says let’s let sleeping dogs lie. (Poor choice of words.) Everyone is comfortable now. Ho hum.

Back to Dave and Amber. Dave’s cooking “turkey mess” for dinner and wants to talk about Zachia and Jason. He admits he was taken aback by Zachia’s ball-busting ways. He adds that it’s not something he’d be cool with for himself in his relationship (aka- don’t treat me like that, Amber!) but if it works for Jason and Zachia, he guesses that’s fine. 

Dave suggests hanging out with his friends next. Amber is nervous and hopes they like her, and worries she might be shy when she first meets them. Dave tries to reassure her that all of his buddies’ wives are awesome people, and Amber says that it sounds great being involved with the wives. But then adds that she has her own friends already so doesn’t feel like she needs other friends. More ominous music plays (this is getting to be a real *thing* this ep, isn't it?) as Dave looks down and they go to commercial. When they return, Dave is upset that she’d say that. He wants her to meet his friends and be friendly with them, too. Amber points out it’s harder combining lives the older one is. 

Weird PET ACCIDENT INTERLUDE. Dogs are peeing all over at Bobby and Danielle’s pad. Bobby is annoyed as he cleans it up. Dave cusses at Paisley the Cat who shredded toilet paper. Dave is leaving that for Amber to clean.

Now Amber and Dave are BBQing with Dave’s friends. He hopes it goes well because he wants to do this a lot. The ice is broken right away when one of the friend’s kids says she has a cat. Amber shows a pic of mischievous Paisley and everyone seems happy.

Dave goes outside to talk to his friend, Kelly. Hot damn! Mystery solved! Kelly (of Kelly and Dabney, ep 2) is the dude! Amber is inside talking to the women and overshares her insecurities about the stupid blond hair business AGAIN while the women nod along, obviously uncomfortable. Dr. Jessica pops on screen to confirm to viewers what we’re all thinking: yeah, Amber’s insecurities tend to get the best of her and if she doesn’t learn to get them in check and stop second-guessing Dave’s attention, it may cause issues down the road. I’ll say. Back from break, Dabney (the lady) and Crystal reassure her. Crystal shares an anecdote about how her husband’s celebrity crush is Halle Berry, and she looks absolutely nothing at all like her. Then she says to Amber “so at least *your* hair is naturally brunette, right?” BURN on Amber’s dark-ass roots! LOLOLOLOLOLOL. 

Back with Mia and Tristan…zzz. Tristan wants to move to Houston to work his business and his family is there. Mia feels overwhelmed. She’s not sold on a move yet and loves Dallas. He says there’s no rush to decide (but I suspect there is.)

Danielle admits she usually looks for things she doesn’t like about guys she dates, but she loves everything about Bobby so far. Bobby gets giddy every time Danielle says nice things about him. They are growing emotionally together every single day. They kiss goodnight. Yes. Sleep seems like a great idea right about now. 

Next week, Amber is going to be insecure some more, and Tristan is going to discover Mia lied about something else. I’ll be sure to spend my days between now and then practicing my shocked face.

* Photo credit for the pictures at the top - Amber's pic was from usweekly's site; Jessica's pic was from google's grab off of celebrity pet worth's site

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 6

Episode 6, y’all. This means it’s time for the couples to get back to life, back to reality. And by “reality,” of course, I mean back to the continental United States and their Dallas home base. (There’s not otherwise much reality to it.) 

This season, Dr. Pepper explains, the show is giving the couples $5000/month (!?!) to help them live  and get their lives started as a couple. This is a new twist. In past seasons, the couples had to have frank conversations about their incomes and decide how much they were comfortable spending on their lodgings and other living expenses. But being given 5k/month? Seems we’re even further from reality than we suspected. 

Anyway.

Dr. Pibb says the couples have to decide if they want to choose one of their own places in which to live or start fresh in a place they choose together. I’ve watched this show for several seasons and only once did the couple opt to live in one of their homes. It didn’t work out; they ended up moving to a different place they chose together. So this feels like another fake-out consideration. Like, of course they’re going to find a fresh place as a couple.

Still, they have to tour their spouse’s home because the show says so. Thus, Dave and Amber start off visiting Dave’s place. He wants to live there because he’s comfortable there. (Wow. What a shocker that Dave wants things to stay the way he’s used to them being. It’s a wonder this dude got married at all.) Amber likes it there and admits it’s a lot nicer than her apartment – it has a hideous black soaking tub and a hallway filled with photos of Dave’s friend-family and even a giant closet filled with shirts for Dave to sweat through whilst dancing – but she also notes that while she’d be okay living there, she worries Dave might get nervous about her putting her own touch on the décor and bringing her cat there, etceteras. I think she makes a valid point. Something tells me Dave would not like her to change the space he so enjoys.

Next up is Mia and Tristan. They’re touring T’s pad. There’s a bottle of champagne in the fridge but not much else. Tristan hopes that Mia likes his $2100/month high-rise apartment space because he really likes it. He enjoys praying out on the balcony. He tells Mia that’s where he prayed for her. I find that an odd thing to say, but she seems touched. 

Mia takes Tristan to her condo. She tries to take him right to her GOD wall hanging in the kitchen but he gets distracted by the bull skull in the entry. He admits he didn’t realize she was such a “die-hard Texan” (in addition to the bull skull, Mia has a Texas-shaped wall-hanging and Texas cut-out cutting board). He’s not digging her style and tells her that if they get a house and it has a man cave and a lady cave, her bull is going in the lady cave. Mia says she owns her condo so it’s more of an investment than a place she has to live (i.e. she can just as easily rent it out) so she says she’d be game to live in Jay T’s high rise. 

Danielle is packing because she pretty much knows her place isn’t going to work for them as a couple. With two dogs and two of them and foster pets, it’s not big enough. Bobby likes Danielle’s place, but admits it’s small.

On the drive to Bobby’s house, Danielle is overthinking the significance of her dog and Bobby’s dog meeting. What if they don’t get along? What if the dog doesn’t mesh with Bobby? You can’t see me but my eyes are rolling something fierce here. Great news: the dogs are sniffing each other’s butts. All is well. 

Danielle is checking out Bobby’s duck freezer. She’s not in love with it but it also doesn’t bother her. It still bothers me. She’s jazzed with the space in Bobby’s home and her dog seems to love it, too. Danielle thinks it makes sense for them to live there because he owns his own house as opposed to her small rental.

How ironic the one season they’re being given money, the couples aren’t all rushing out to buy new places. Curious.

Now it’s time for Amber to show Dave her lodgings. (Don’t ask me why they broke apart the Amber-Dave show & tell when everyone else’s was together.) Amber hopes her cat takes to Dave. They walk in the door and the cat comes right over and lets Dave pet her and rub her belly and she tries playing with him. But guess what? Downer Dave doesn’t like Paisley the Cat because she’s “rambunctious” and he doesn’t want her jumping around and knocking things off counters and scratching his furniture. This dude is annoying. He’s such a stick in the mud. Womp WOMP.

After being horrified at the amount of shoes his bride owns, Dave fake-compliments Amber’s place which he says he “likes more than I thought I would” (that’s big of you, Dave) by saying it would be great for one person but is too small for two of them. He decides they’re not living at Amber’s, but he’s still hoping she wants to move in with him (mainly because it’ll be a lot easier for him not to have to move twice when they inevitably break up.)

Amber has some reservations, though, because she thinks they should start fresh together. Before she can agree to move in there, Amber wants to know if Dave has ever lived there with another woman. She’s very territorial and doesn’t want to think of another woman having made dinner with Dave at his counter or washed dishes in his sink, nor does she want Dave to have memories of having done those things with someone else before her. Dave, in a weird evasive response, asks if he hadlived there with another woman, would that be a problem for her. Yes,  Dave, it would. He makes a face and they cut to commercial. When they return, Dave says he gets that concern and no, he’s never lived with a girlfriend because he’s never wanted to. Shocker.

So there you have it. All three couples are moving in to the dude’s place. Interesting. Unprecedented. 

We’re back to Mia and Tristan. They’re having a convo about their finances. Tristan is wearing bright red socks and I can’t get past them. Red Socks McGhee says he’ll cover rent. Mia says that’s sweet. 

Downer Dave informs Amber that he’s all about budgeting. Amber tells Dave she doesn’t want him to see what she’s spending her money on. He’s not cool with that. She explains that she’s not used to someone watching her spending. She wants to continue buying whatever she feels like buying. Dave wants them to be responsible with their spending and set up a joint account. As he explains to her that they should set aside money for retirement and savings and a travel fund, Amber’s eyes look a bit panicked for a second, but then says she thinks maybe she needs that. 

Cut to Bobby and Danielle. There’s an Excel spreadsheet open and Bobby looks a bit ill as he discovers they’re over-budget for the month. Danielle makes matters worse when she mentions her “necessary” $450/year waxing expenses and, oh yeah, her $15,000 in credit card debt. She says it’s not his responsibility, but he points out that it’s a mutual burden as they’re married. He didn’t travel a lot in his 20s, instead focusing on saving and saving and saving and saving. He didn’t really want to spend his savings on getting someone else out of debt, but he will because they’re a team now. Danielle wants to know how they’re going to allocate their $5000/month from the experts. Bobby thinks the first order of business should be getting out of paying two separate mortgages/rents. But to get out of Danielle’s lease, she’d need to pay $8,000 and she doesn’t want to blow almost all of the experts’ money on that. But it sounds like Bobby thinks it’s for the best. Then he points out it would take her 8 years and three months to pay off her debt if she stopped getting her eyelashes done. She’d rather have her eyebrows done. Priorities.

To me, this entire thing seems like a bold move, considering these MAFS marriages don’t work. If I were Danielle, I’d keep my place for 2 months juuuuuuuust in case. 

Downer Dave doesn’t like moving. (Who does?) It’s made worse because Amber has lost her voice today. Dave makes a few negative comments about the contents of her closet and how he thinks it’s no wonder her finances aren’t in better shape. When he takes a $99 price tag off of a statue of a baby sleeping on an elephant, he says, “A sucker is born every minute.” (This guy is a prince.) 

As Danielle moves in, Bobby is chill with her rearranging his whole house. It looks 1000 times better than it did before. Bobby’s decorating style is horrible. The show barely spends any time on them because, so far, they seem the most likely to succeed and, as such, there’s nothing much to see there. They communicate like a couple who might actually make it. 

In contrast, back at Dave’s, Amber is concerned about “invading Dave’s space.” She says he seems to be “all in” about the joint living, but she’s concerned that she’s taking over half the closet and moving in the cat and all of that. The cat got into his plant and tore up toilet paper in the bathroom and Downer Dave was NOT AMUSED.

Mia and Tristan are doing their move-in. First order of business is hanging up GOD, because of course it is.

Danielle has already taken on a foster and it pees on the dog bed and—you guessed it—Bobby is cool with it. Danielle doesn’t prefer cooking, but Bobby likes it, so he does it. Danielle is pumped that he’s everything she asked for and more. She does the dishes. 

Time for the first night of sleeping in the new places. Requisite tooth-brushing footage. 

Dave wants to test out the gross black tub. Amber says they will at some point. It doesn’t yet feel like her home, but she thinks she’ll get there. She enjoys spending time with Dave and thinks they’ll fall in love. Hopefully he can accept the cat. The camera cuts to Paisley checking out a box, and Dave is all, “What is she doing?” (I don’t think he’s ever gonna accept that cat.)

Danielle clogged the sink. Bobby gets the snake; he’s cool with it. I am not cool with the blue crab boxers he’s wearing. 

T and M are in bed talking about something—honestly, I’ve tuned out because I’m so bored with them—but I hear Mia tell him she loves him. Tristan is touched. I’m not. Because this chick is a liar.

Next week, it’s the friends and family visitations episode. Tristan’s mom is going to grill Mia (has she told him everything that will affect him?) and Amber is going to tell Dave she’s got her own friends and doesn’t need to adopt his. Hahaha. Can’t wait.

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 5

Lo! Episode 5 is upon us. It’s called Trouble in Paradise. Spoiler alert.

The two honeymooning couples are having a double dinner date. They’re talking about rings and their feelings about marriage. So far Danielle says it has 100% exceeded her expectations. But it’s exceeded Bobby’s 110%. So, like, you know what that means? TROUBLE IN PARADISE. He’s obvs more into this than she is. 

Dave says Amber really makes him laugh hard. Sometimes ather, he adds. Nice, Dave. Really nice. (TROUBLE IN PARADISE????) 

The couples realize anew that none of them have seen Mia and Tristan, and they wonder what’s up and worry something might be wrong. Amber whips out her cell and puts Mia on speakerphone (without telling her all 4 newlyweds are listening in) and grills her about where she is. Mia gives the most glossed-over response in history, so the curious honeymooners are still kind of unsure WTF is happening but they get the sense Mia doesn’t want to talk about it. Amber asks how Tristan is doing and Mia says he’s ok in a tone that sounds less than convincing. After they get off the phone, the couples agree they still have no idea what happened but it sounds like a bummer.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering why Mia and Tristan aren’t flying down to Mexico for an abridged getaway. Oh wait. Likely because she hasn’t *actually* been cleared of all wrongdoing (as she’d claimed last week) and probably isn’t allowed to travel. Or maybe the show was like “Sorry. The tickets don’t have transferrable travel dates.” Either of those sounds equally plausible to me.

So instead, T and M are chilling in Dallas in some honeymoon suite. There’s no private pool like in Cancun, but there’s a soaker tub and stupid matching white terry robes.Tristan comments like they’re gonna get in the tub together, but we know that won’t happen.

Back in Mexico, the other couples are setting off to visit the Mayan ruins. (I’m basically watching my own honeymoon here. We did a resort, though ours was a bit south in Riviera Maya. We did a couples massage. We did a ceynote. We did the ruins; it was the hottest, sweatiest experience of my life. Hopefully for the tv couples, that’s where the similarities end since my husband and I also got food poisoning, sun poisoning, and left 3 days early. Talk about trouble in paradise!) 

On the drive to the ruins, Dave calls Tristan to get more deets about the Mia situation. Tristan shares that Mia had been arrested when boarding the plane. Dave tells camera if it had been Amber arrested right off, he’d have been on the phone with an annulment lawyer stat because that’s just a bit much to deal with to start off a relationship. I can’t say I disagree. He gives Tristan credit for hanging in there. Now they get why Mia was so hedgy last night.

When Dave and Amber tell Danielle and Bobby about Mia’s arrest, Danielle’s jaw drops open and Bobby looks like he’s got thoughts but he’s not voicing them. They all climb to the top of the ruins and then back down. Ho hum.

Later, Amber and Dave have a salsa lesson. Amber is excited. Dave is not into it. He acts like a little baby about it. He barely makes an effort, yet Amber tries giving him credit at first. She’s all, “Even though he’s not the best at it, he’s trying because he knows it’s important to me.” But he’s really not. Trying, I mean. Or being a good sport. He barely moves when instructed. He makes lots of faces. Then he complains that he’s hot. When he first says it, he looks normal enough. Then in the next shot, his shirt is soaked. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. He tells Amber to dance with the instructor. Amber is feeling really uncomfortable. She tries dabbing Dave’s sweat with a towel. He doesn’t appreciate it. The whole situation is awkward to watch. They decide to go have dinner. Hopefully he changes his shirt first. TROUBLE IN PARADISE, y’all!

Back in Dallas, Mia and Tristan are out to dinner. Mia is impressed again with Tristan’s reaction and support in the wake of her arrest. He’s still trying to convince everyone at home that he really likes Mia and can see himself with her forever. Oh, T, you’re in for a world of hurt. Meanwhile, I feel like these two have so little chemistry (in large part because Mia spends more time looking at her arm than at him when she’s talking to him) that the cameras barely spend any time with them. Luckily for us. Since…zzzzzzz…

Moving along, we’ve got Danielle and Bobby in a bubble bath in their bathing suits. I haven’t watched the scene yet (paused so I could take a quiz to see which Game of Thrones character I am. I got Jon Snow) but I bet they’re going to discuss again how their marriage is going nicely so far and how weird it is that stuff happened with M/T and blah blah blah. These two are like wet blankets, too. Seriously, how can all the couples suck so much?

I watched it. Turns out I AM like Jon Snow: I know nothing. 

Danielle and Bobby didn’t say any of that stuff. Instead, they have a sex talk. 

Danielle: What are your thoughts on lingerie? (obvs she wants to wear some for him and is testing the waters) 

Bobby: I like t-shirts. Lingerie feels too fancy and pre-planned. 

Danielle: Yeah, I like scheduling things, but not that. It should happen on its own.

Bobby: Agreed. It’ll happen when it happens.  

Danielle: Feed me a tuxedo strawberry. (nom nom nom)

Then they get a shower together. 

Amber and Dave are eating dinner. Good news: Dave *has* changed his shirt. He talks about how important Amber’s smile is to him. She thinks he’s so cute, too. Cutesy talk. They wonder aloud if they’ve covered most of the “early dates” type topics. Then they decide to tackle the religion conversation. 

Dave considers himself religious—not “super religious” but his faith is “important” to him. Amber considers herself spiritual, but think it’s dangerous to believe there’s only one correct path to God, and that people tend to use their religion as a shield behind which they cast judgment on others. This assessment rankles Dave. He thinks *she* is being judgmental. TROUBLE IN PARADISE! Dave realizes he may have underestimated how important this issue is to him when he talked to the experts. Amber isn’t sure how to handle this disagreement. Dave asks her if it’s something that makes her want to walk away from the relationship. (Dave really wasn’t kidding when he said he typically bails in relationships at the first sign of friction. Sheesh!) It’s not. They’re using that as a positive sign. They have dessert and alls well that ends well.

Now it’s Day 6 of Marriage and the last day of the honeymoons. Thank goodness. This has been so dull so far. Everyone is ready to get back to Dallas, back to “real life” where they can establish a routine at home in the “real world.”

Before flying home, Danielle makes a special announcement that she and Bobby “did it” and adds an awkward TMI that one’s ring size doesn’t correlate with anything else. (If you’ll recall from the ring shopping episode, Bobby has little fingers and some dumb comment was made back then hoping ring size doesn’t reflect dick size.) Frankly, I’m disappointed this came up a second time. I’d rather hoped never to have to think of that again.

While the others are flying home, Mia and Tristan are in their messy-ass hotel room—seriously, the flower petals that looked so romantic strewn about last night now look like trash all over the floor—and Tristan tells camera that last night Mia confessed she wasn’t 100% truthful about some of the details of her arrest. TROUBLE IN…Dallas.

She DID know the accuser and she DID have a brief relationship with him. Well, NO SHIT. (I totes called that in my previous post. Maybe I’m not Jon Snow after all. I do know SOME things!)

Now, even though Tristan “appreciates her honesty” (her pathetically late honesty…), he’s hurt that she waited a week to come clean with him. So now Tristan and Mia have to sit down with the experts who want to find out what the truth is and explore whether the couples wants to keep going with the marriage. 

Mia sits with Dr. Jessica and starts crying in an oddly robotic way. Dr. Jessica is very gentle with her. Dr. Jessica says Mia is embarrassed, has been humiliated, and is terrified, hence the story changing a few times. Dr. Jessica asks Mia if there’s been any sexual intimacy between them. Mia says yes. Interesting. Mia’s dad will not be happy to hear that.

In another room, Rev. Cal sits with Tristan who feels betrayed over the lies. He wonders what else there might be that Mia’s not telling him. He’s concerned there’s yet more to the story and he doesn’t want to keep living in this pain. (Which, of course, means that he’ll definitely stay with her.) Tristan said Mia said she’s falling in love with him. He told her he doeslove her (even though it hasn’t even been a week, and they’d been separated two of those days because she was away from him being arrested), and that’s why he’s stayed around.

Dr. Pepper asks them each if they wanna stay married. They do. Mia cracks some joke about “doing the time” and then, as they’re all chuckling—

Episode over. No warning. Just an abrupt jump to Seven Year Switch which airs afterward. Sooo… just as abruptly, my work here is done. 

Except maybe not as abruptly because I’d be remiss if I didn’t add how BORING this season has been so far, even taking into account this bruhaha with Mia’s arrest. Is it just me? Does anyone else want to quit these Dallas Dullards? Sigh.

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 4

Episode 4 opens up at the airport. Tristan is still confused about what’s happening with Mia. No info is being shared and Tristan has to go back to the hotel and wait. The production team is trying to get info because they don’t know what’s going on either.

Meanwhile, the other couples are in Cancun heading to the El Dorado Royale hotel for their honeymoons. I’m impressed with the individual pool that comes with Amber and Dave’s suite (though I’m not so much jazzed with how close it is in proximity to the next door neighbor’s pool. That’s not very private.) Amber remarks yet again that she wants to make babies. Maybe they’ll do that on this trip. They haven’t had sex yet because they’re waiting until they trust each other 100%. Don’t worry--they both feel like they’re getting there really soon. (And I think their standards for 100% trust might be a little loose. For me, it generally takes longer than 2 days…but maybe I’m too tough.)

Danielle and Bobby get into their private pool right away. Danielle waxes on about how Bobby once got her ibuprofen because she said she needed some. She remarks that nobody has ever done that for her before. That’s so sad. 

Amber and Dave go to the spa. Dave notes that Amber has a “bangin’ bod.” Amber asks Dave where he likes to be touched. They laugh at the suggestive comment, then he answers: his neck. Oh goodie, because that’s where Amber has been touching him. She’s been doing a good job. After their massages, they go in the pool and I notice Amber has some bad sunburn on her neck. Hopefully she doesn’t like to be touched there, too, because OWIE. 

Bobby and Danielle have a three-layered shot in their room and then play with sexy dice. They make out a little. I’m bored. I want a bowl of cereal.

After a commercial break, Dr. Jessica talks about the honeymoon and how it’s so important for building intimacy and whatever. Cut to Amber and Dave in bed. Amber notes that they took advantage of their outdoor shower last night which, honestly, felt like a really rando thing to share, and then she remarks how we could probably tell because her hair was “nasty.” That’s the point at which Dave reaches over and pulls the sheet over Amber’s exposed boob. Ut oh. And then there’s some giggling, and then we find out they had sex last night, as it’s been “building” for a while now.” Amber says it felt more intimate and special than other first-sex experiences she’s had in the past, probably because it was with her husband. Now their marriage is “official.”

Over in Bobby and Danielle’s room, there’s an extreme close-up of Danielle. Her eyelashes are always fully made up. Even first thing in the morning. That’s weird. More kissing. Still no sex. Bobby wants to be her “friend” before he can be her “lover.” (I think he’s lying. I think he wants to be her lover now.) Danielle needs coffee and carbs. Me, too, Danielle. Me, too.

Now we’re back to Tristan. A producer shows up, somber-faced, to tell Tristan what’s what. The producer makes a CYA speech about how they did all the background checks and the charges were only filed the day after their background checks came back. Tristan says he doesn’t blame the show. Producer Eric hands Tristan the envelope with the charges and says the show wants to support him in whatever he decides to do. Tristan should totally cut his losses now. But he’s been such a good sport about EVERYTHING so far – Mia’s weird family, weird Mia – that I kind feel like he’s gonna hang in, if that’s possible. 

The show keeps saying there’s 2 sides to every story and they don’t know Mia’s side. 3 counts of stalking and one of credit card fraud. (I wonder again if Tristan wants to go up to Mia’s family and be all “how do you like me now???”) He says he doesn’t know what to do but he wants to see his wife. Honestly, why? I get wanting to support someone you know and love through a rough patch in life, but this is next-level baggage to take on with/for a stranger. Legally wed or not.

Back in Mexico, Danielle and Bobby are biking. They’re talking about their ideal versions of marriage. Danielle is sick of the 80-20 breakdown of her past relationships where she does the bulk of the work. She wants both spouses to put in the effort. They agree they each want at least 2 kids. Danielle says she wants her kids to grow up with a sibling. She doesn’t want to have a 9 year old and then start all over. Southern Gentleman Bobby says, “I don’t know if you could have a 9 year old and then have another one anyway. You’d be 39…” Danielle is all, “Wow. Is that an age joke? Hmm, yeah, my eggs are gonna dry up at some point.” Bobby tells camera that Danielle is 30 and though she isn’t ready to have kids yet, it’s something they want to do eventually, and so he thinks this is healthy conversation. Riiiiiight. That was a very healthy way to bring up your wife’s age and sound like an ass. Now he tells her how his dad always provided for the fam and his mom stayed home, and he wants to know if Danielle would be willing to stay at home and be “mom.” She’s not down with that. Bobby looks nervous. Danielle wonders if this is gonna be an issue.

In Dallas, Tristan is still mulling things over. The phone rings. It’s Dr. Jessica. Tristan confesses how he’s really struggling right now because he feels like he’s not sure who he even married. (Ooh, ooh! I know this one: It’s a crazy stalker, T.) Dr. Jessica notes that she and the other “experts” spent a lot of time with Mia during the selection process and the behavior in the charges is “incongruent” with the Mia they came to know. (Really? Because I’m not feeling all that shocked, to be honest. But okay.) Producer Eric lets Tristan know the cameras are going to wherever Mia is when she’s released and wants to know if Tristan is going, too. T is all “I know I have God, but this is a serious test of faith…”

At the resort (where at this point poor Tristan may never get to visit), Dave and Amber are playing basketball. Remember on their wedding day when they discovered they go to the same gym? (Turns out they live about a mile apart, by the way. I read some article about that this past week.) Well, Amber notes that she dated a guy from the gym that Dave happens to be friends with. Amber hopes that won’t be an issue and Dave won’t, like, get mad at her about it back in Dallas. Dave admits (to the confessional camera) that he remembers the friend talking about Amber back when they dated, and that had Dave known about this before the marriage, he probably would have quit the experiment. Dave assures Amber he’s not mad at her, but he admits he is disappointed to have to deal with it because he thinks it’s gonna be really weird when they get home and see this ex at the gym. Amber tells him she agrees, but she’s worth it and their relationship is worth it. Dave looks unconvinced. Still, he notes, historically, when he dates people and things pop up that seem problematic, he usually just ends the relationship. But with this marriage, he’s already committed, so now he needs to find a way to work through them. 

Bobby and Danielle are eating dinner on the pier and drinking giant glasses of what looks like chardonnay. I wish I was drinking a giant glass of chardonnay. They rehash their earlier discussion of male/female roles. Bobby says that although he comes from generations of women and men in more traditional gender roles, he knows this is 2018 and he doesn’t expect that from her, so he’s open to whatever she wants to do. Bobby wants her to be his wife forever. Danielle feels like he’s so genuine and doesn’t see how the other shoe could drop. (Sounds like a dare to me, Danielle. Better take cover.) 

Day 4 of marriage! (And time for my cereal snack!)

The two honeymooning couples are meeting up today at a ceynote. Amber thinks Danielle and Bobby look like Barbie and Ken. They kinda do. Bobby thinks Dave and Amber look very comfortable together. It’s because they shagged last night. Everyone wonders where Tristan and Mia are. Obvs the show hasn’t told them anything. That makes me laugh. 

Danielle, it turns out, is terrified of heights. Her legs shake as they walk down rickety stairs to the bottom of the gorge to jump into the water. Bobby is also not a fan of heights but he keeps himself together to try to comfort Danielle. (Point to Bobby on that one.) Amber and Dave jump in immediately and leave the other couple on the stairs deciding how the hell they’re going to get out of there. Danielle, though, seeing the fun Dave and Amber are having, decides to go in the water. She and Bobby join the fun and are happy they did. 

Flash to Dallas. Black info screen is back: “At 10:30PM, after 2 days in custody, Mia was released.”

Mia is in the cab on the way back to the hotel. She says the police deemed this identity theft. She said her car was stolen and whoever took it also used her information to access whatever other charges they did, but the police wouldn’t tell her the other charges because it didn’t end up being her. So she got her stuff and she left. She’s wondering what’s going through Tristan’s head.

The experts call Mia and tell her the charges that Tristan has read and Mia said it’s all 100% false and none of that happened and she’s never heard any of that before and she’s been cleared. The experts are relieved, but warn her Tristan has this report. Rev Cal suggests to Mia that they use this experience as “a great launching pad to transparency.” Mia is concerned Tristan is going to want to give up on their marriage.

I call bullshit on this whole thing. If the ONLY charge was the credit card fraud, fine. I could  maybe swallow the identity theft explanation. But there’s three stalking charges. You mean to tell me that some stranger stole Mia’s vehicle and then stalked Mia’s ex-boyfriend, but the ex-boyfriend didn’t realize it wasn’t actually Mia? What? That’s preposterous, you say? That doesn’t even make sense? You’re right. Ok, so maybe you’re telling me it was a complete coincidence that some stranger stole Mia’s car AND her ex-boyfriend decided to invent false stalking charges. Poor Mia, she just had a really, really bad day. What? Also hard to buy? I agree. Secondly, Mia claiming this is the first she’s hearing these charges? No way, dude. For one thing, she didn’t seem the least bit surprised to hear them when the experts were reading them off to her. She was the picture of calm hearing all these allegedly false charges she’d never heard before. (If she’s not lying, she should go play some poker post-haste!) Moreover, in the two days she was in custody, there’s no effing way she wouldn’t have been presented with the list of charges on a warrant out for her arrest. Ergo, if she’s saying that any of this is “news to” her, she’s full of shit. 

Oh my god. So now Mia shows up at Tristan’s room and she gives him a big hug before they talk at all. She keeps referring to it as a “mistaken of identity” and I want to smack her because THAT’S NOT A THING! 

Anyway, Mia asks Tristan if he has the list of charges (that she knows damn well he has) and he shows them to her. She stares at the paper as though reading through them and Tristan clearly wants to talk about the stalking claims. He’s all, “What’s the deal with this guy?” And Mia repositions her body and looks at the paper really closely and goes, “That name…doesn’t even ring a bell.” Tristan counters with, “So you don’t know who that is?” And Mia stares harder at the paper like oh shit, that dude was totes my ex and I bet at some point a picture of us together might show up so probably I may have overstated things when I said it doesn’t ring a bell. So she says, “Um, I mean, I know OF him, but…” Then Tristan says, “How do you know of him?” Mia hedges, “Like just through mutual friends. It’s a small town.” Tristan smells the stench steaming off of this heap of lies, so he asks, “So why would he go through all this trouble then?” I’m feeling proud of him for not buying Mia’s obvious bullshit. But then—wait! He gives her a pass by saying some of it doesn’t make sense since the report states that Mia ordered him a Christmas gift with his own card. Mia, seizes this opening and giggles as she agrees with him, then says “none of this is true actually, and I think that’s why they just let me go.” 

(Actually, though, they probably let her go because Louisiana didn’t want to extradite her back there. (But guess what? In that case, the charges wouldn’t be dropped. The warrant would still be active. They just don’t feel like coming to get her for this.)) 

TRISTAN ACCEPTS THIS! He says if Mia said it’s not true, then it’s not true, and he doesn’t want to keep talking about it. He’s choosing to believe his stalker wife. Then they go jump on their bed and Mia notes how lucky she is that Tristan is such a sucker. 

And so am I because I keep watching this swill.

Married at First Sight Dallas: Episode 3

The second episode (which the show is calling the 3^rdepisode and so I will also henceforth call it that to avoid confusion) opens with unnecessary recappage of the previous episode. 

Dave offers to carry Amber across the threshold but she’s all, “No, Dave. I’m a grown-ass woman and I don’t need to participate in that antiquated ritual.” Actually, she just shook her head. 

Mia is still acting weird. Hiding behind a pillow, leaning over as though to protect herself (body language 101). Tristan makes a weird comment like, “Now we just need to memorize each other’s name” and she’s like, “Yeah, because I keep forgetting.” Um, I’m sorry. You keep forgetting his name? I realize you only just met him today, but you married him. If you memorized no other thing today, his name should be that thing. Unless, of course, she keeps calling him Jay because, well, in that case I kinda get it.

Danielle is grooving on Bobby. Such a gentleman. Barf. They re-air the footage of her coming out in her yoga pants and crop top and him looking away nervous-excited like “omigod is this really happening? I’m so luckkkkkyyyyy!” The newlyweds notice the bowl of Magnum condoms on the nightstand and it sounds like Bobby is about to make a joke about how he’s not that big, but then thinks better of it and trails off. Danielle tells Bobby how all his groomsmen told her she’d need to make the first move. (KNEW IT!) 

In another cabin, Dave gives Amber the most amateurishly constructed scrap book of his baby pictures. The sentiment was nice and all, but his scrapbooking technique is embarrassing to behold. 

Tristan offers to sleep on the couch. Mia generously declines.

Everyone goes to bed. 

Now it’s morning. Officially “Day 1” of marriage now. Everyone wakes up fully made up with good hair. 

Danielle is impressed when Bobby walks five feet from the bed and loads up her plate with food that has been left there by the magical Breakfast Fairies. Such a Southern gentleman!

Tristan is admiring Mia’s face and her outfit and everything about her. She giggles but tells the camera something that surprises no one: they didn’t consummate the marriage and she hasn’t even kissed him yet. Gotta hand it to Tristan, though; he manages to stay positive and patient and makes silly jokes and doesn’t make a big deal about going at her pace.

Dave and Amber finally get out of bed. The Breakfast Fairies stopped there, too. Amber likes everything but Dave reveals he’s sort of missing his routine smoothie. So far things are going great and they’re getting along so well and Amber thinks this marriage thing was a good idea. Next they discuss the family brunch and Amber is confused and surprised to hear Dave has invited his groomsman and their families to act as his “family” at the meal. She worries Dave’s real family doesn’t like her and maybe it wasn’t such a great idea getting married to a stranger. Someone needs to tell Amber that she seems insecure and needs to relax a bit. They couldn’t possibly not like her specifically. They don’t even know her. Plus, Dave just said he’s closer to his friends than his family, so if she wants to get nervous, maybe it should be about how little she knows about her spouse and his familial dynamic and less about how people feel about her.

Not gonna lie: kinda feeling really bored so far with this ep. 

Back from commercial and it’s time for the dumb brunch. Because of course it is. 

Dave and Amber’s brunch is held in a terrible location, around a grouping of tiny cocktail tables and everyone has to sit next to each other on this long booth thing. Whose brain buster was that, I wonder? It’s clearly hard to hear over the din and they are shouting to one another. Which makes it even more awkward than it already would be when Amber’s mom starts off the conversation asking if the newlyweds shagged last night. After some sputtering they say no. I’m not sure I buy that, but I don’t blame them for not admitting it in that setting. Amber’s sister wants to know if Dave’s close friendships will influence him a lot in his marriage. He says he’ll do what’s right for him and Amber. 

JayT and Mia’s brunch is in a cabin and the family members are all perched on couches and chairs, even though the food is on the dining room table. (These producers don’t seem to understand how brunch works.) Mia’s family immediately asks what the couple did last night. There’s a stupid back and forth when they say they “just went to bed” and someone corrects “just went to sleep.” I feel like someone needs to tell all these people MIND YOUR OWN DAMNED BUSINESS. Anyway, Tristan asks if the family has any advice for them as newlyweds and Tristan’s mom suggests they ask lots of questions of each other and answer honestly, rather than saying what they think the other person wants to hear. Mia’s dad admits Tristan seems like a good guy, but you have to read past the cover to truly discover the whole story. What a metaphor, daddio. Thanks.

Bobby and Danielle’s brunch setup is a proper one: at a restaurant with diners seated across from one another at an appropriately sized table that holds food and encourages conversation. Said conversation mostly revolves around whether or not Danielle is going to take Bobby’s last name (they haven’t discussed it yet), and, I’m happy to report, doesn’t include any crass questions about whether the couples made use of those Magnums last night. Maybe there IS something to be said about Southern manners.

Dr. Jessica shows up post-brunch and pre-honeymoon for a little counseling sesh. 

She starts with Mia and Tristan. Boring convo. Mia is still uncomfortable. Then Bobby and Danielle. Also snooze-a-rific. Finally, Amber and Dave. Aside from the revelation that they didn’t, in fact, shag last night (Amber noted that she thinks they eventually will, but they wanted to wait until they know each other better and also “can’t take it anymore”), it was just sort of more of the same. In each conversation, Dr. Jessica wanted to hear how they felt when they first saw each other – everyone felt pretty good – and then she advised them all to figure out how their partners like to be loved, and love them in that way. (I.e. Bobby likes communication but Danielle is a bit guarded. She admitted she has been feeling very thankful of how sweet Bobby has been over the past 24 hours, but she hasn’t verbalized it to him. She’ll work on that moving forward.) 

Besides her deep wisdom, Dr. Jessica brings with her the honeymoon baskets. Cancun, Mexico is their destination. Although the honeymoons are for them to experience concentrated newlywed time, all three couples will be there at the same time so they can also have some shared couples experiences and support. 

Bobby is super excited watching Danielle pack lingerie. Dave is less excited to discover Amber is not a light packer. Tristan can’t be feeling much of anything because MIA IS THE COLDEST FISH IN THE SEA.

As they wheel their 27 pieces of luggage out of their room and the show is going to (yet another) commercial, Amber says, “Who knows? Maybe we’ll have a honeymoon baby.” I swear. I watched it twice in case I’d imagined it. I guess she plans on getting to know Dave really fast.

Bobby just said, “Here we are fixin’ to leave the country and I don’t even have your phone number.” What a cowboy. They fix the situation and exchange digits.

Amber is looking forward to drinking a lot on the beach. Dave remarks to camera that Amber is “quirky.” I don’t know how quirky it really is to look forward to drinking on vacation, but probably Dave is just a bit cranky because he’s thinking about the long stretch of breakfast-smoothie routine he’ll be missing while they’re away.

Tristan makes lots of playful comments in the limo. Mia fake-laughs a lot.

Bobby and Danielle and Amber and Dave are in the plane preparing to go to Mexico. Mia and Tristan are presumably also about to board when – Shazam! 

BLACK SCREEN with WORDS.

“At 8:40AM, Mia and Tristan were prevented from boarding their flight. Customs Officials have escorted Mia away for questioning.” 

Tristan is super stressed, alone at an empty baggage carousel thing. 

More WORDS: “Tristan is currently unaware of Mia’s status and location.”

Poor Tristan is freaking out. He can’t talk to her. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He prays for clarity soon.

Then…TO BE CONTINUED.

(Spoilers ahead- stop reading now if you want to wait until next week to find out what’s up with Mia.) 

Honestly, this whole airport questioning debacle would have been a lot more exciting to watch had I not read this article a few days ago that explains how Mia was arrested on several counts of stalking her ex-boyfriend and one of a fraudulent use of an access card. 

I guess when I slammed Mia last week for her concern about the STDs because I was sure the show would’ve tested for all that, I may have given them too much credit. Maybe Mia was all, “If they didn’t unearth my fugitive status, what else are they missing?” 

In any case, I’m curious if this spells the end for this couple (since, like, one of them may be in jail) or what. 

And to think, Mia’s dad was worried Tristan might be the one with the plot twist…