Lo! Episode 5 is upon us. It’s called Trouble in Paradise. Spoiler alert.
The two honeymooning couples are having a double dinner date. They’re talking about rings and their feelings about marriage. So far Danielle says it has 100% exceeded her expectations. But it’s exceeded Bobby’s 110%. So, like, you know what that means? TROUBLE IN PARADISE. He’s obvs more into this than she is.
Dave says Amber really makes him laugh hard. Sometimes ather, he adds. Nice, Dave. Really nice. (TROUBLE IN PARADISE????)
The couples realize anew that none of them have seen Mia and Tristan, and they wonder what’s up and worry something might be wrong. Amber whips out her cell and puts Mia on speakerphone (without telling her all 4 newlyweds are listening in) and grills her about where she is. Mia gives the most glossed-over response in history, so the curious honeymooners are still kind of unsure WTF is happening but they get the sense Mia doesn’t want to talk about it. Amber asks how Tristan is doing and Mia says he’s ok in a tone that sounds less than convincing. After they get off the phone, the couples agree they still have no idea what happened but it sounds like a bummer.
Meanwhile, I’m wondering why Mia and Tristan aren’t flying down to Mexico for an abridged getaway. Oh wait. Likely because she hasn’t *actually* been cleared of all wrongdoing (as she’d claimed last week) and probably isn’t allowed to travel. Or maybe the show was like “Sorry. The tickets don’t have transferrable travel dates.” Either of those sounds equally plausible to me.
So instead, T and M are chilling in Dallas in some honeymoon suite. There’s no private pool like in Cancun, but there’s a soaker tub and stupid matching white terry robes.Tristan comments like they’re gonna get in the tub together, but we know that won’t happen.
Back in Mexico, the other couples are setting off to visit the Mayan ruins. (I’m basically watching my own honeymoon here. We did a resort, though ours was a bit south in Riviera Maya. We did a couples massage. We did a ceynote. We did the ruins; it was the hottest, sweatiest experience of my life. Hopefully for the tv couples, that’s where the similarities end since my husband and I also got food poisoning, sun poisoning, and left 3 days early. Talk about trouble in paradise!)
On the drive to the ruins, Dave calls Tristan to get more deets about the Mia situation. Tristan shares that Mia had been arrested when boarding the plane. Dave tells camera if it had been Amber arrested right off, he’d have been on the phone with an annulment lawyer stat because that’s just a bit much to deal with to start off a relationship. I can’t say I disagree. He gives Tristan credit for hanging in there. Now they get why Mia was so hedgy last night.
When Dave and Amber tell Danielle and Bobby about Mia’s arrest, Danielle’s jaw drops open and Bobby looks like he’s got thoughts but he’s not voicing them. They all climb to the top of the ruins and then back down. Ho hum.
Later, Amber and Dave have a salsa lesson. Amber is excited. Dave is not into it. He acts like a little baby about it. He barely makes an effort, yet Amber tries giving him credit at first. She’s all, “Even though he’s not the best at it, he’s trying because he knows it’s important to me.” But he’s really not. Trying, I mean. Or being a good sport. He barely moves when instructed. He makes lots of faces. Then he complains that he’s hot. When he first says it, he looks normal enough. Then in the next shot, his shirt is soaked. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. He tells Amber to dance with the instructor. Amber is feeling really uncomfortable. She tries dabbing Dave’s sweat with a towel. He doesn’t appreciate it. The whole situation is awkward to watch. They decide to go have dinner. Hopefully he changes his shirt first. TROUBLE IN PARADISE, y’all!
Back in Dallas, Mia and Tristan are out to dinner. Mia is impressed again with Tristan’s reaction and support in the wake of her arrest. He’s still trying to convince everyone at home that he really likes Mia and can see himself with her forever. Oh, T, you’re in for a world of hurt. Meanwhile, I feel like these two have so little chemistry (in large part because Mia spends more time looking at her arm than at him when she’s talking to him) that the cameras barely spend any time with them. Luckily for us. Since…zzzzzzz…
Moving along, we’ve got Danielle and Bobby in a bubble bath in their bathing suits. I haven’t watched the scene yet (paused so I could take a quiz to see which Game of Thrones character I am. I got Jon Snow) but I bet they’re going to discuss again how their marriage is going nicely so far and how weird it is that stuff happened with M/T and blah blah blah. These two are like wet blankets, too. Seriously, how can all the couples suck so much?
I watched it. Turns out I AM like Jon Snow: I know nothing.
Danielle and Bobby didn’t say any of that stuff. Instead, they have a sex talk.
Danielle: What are your thoughts on lingerie? (obvs she wants to wear some for him and is testing the waters)
Bobby: I like t-shirts. Lingerie feels too fancy and pre-planned.
Danielle: Yeah, I like scheduling things, but not that. It should happen on its own.
Bobby: Agreed. It’ll happen when it happens.
Danielle: Feed me a tuxedo strawberry. (nom nom nom)
Then they get a shower together.
Amber and Dave are eating dinner. Good news: Dave *has* changed his shirt. He talks about how important Amber’s smile is to him. She thinks he’s so cute, too. Cutesy talk. They wonder aloud if they’ve covered most of the “early dates” type topics. Then they decide to tackle the religion conversation.
Dave considers himself religious—not “super religious” but his faith is “important” to him. Amber considers herself spiritual, but think it’s dangerous to believe there’s only one correct path to God, and that people tend to use their religion as a shield behind which they cast judgment on others. This assessment rankles Dave. He thinks *she* is being judgmental. TROUBLE IN PARADISE! Dave realizes he may have underestimated how important this issue is to him when he talked to the experts. Amber isn’t sure how to handle this disagreement. Dave asks her if it’s something that makes her want to walk away from the relationship. (Dave really wasn’t kidding when he said he typically bails in relationships at the first sign of friction. Sheesh!) It’s not. They’re using that as a positive sign. They have dessert and alls well that ends well.
Now it’s Day 6 of Marriage and the last day of the honeymoons. Thank goodness. This has been so dull so far. Everyone is ready to get back to Dallas, back to “real life” where they can establish a routine at home in the “real world.”
Before flying home, Danielle makes a special announcement that she and Bobby “did it” and adds an awkward TMI that one’s ring size doesn’t correlate with anything else. (If you’ll recall from the ring shopping episode, Bobby has little fingers and some dumb comment was made back then hoping ring size doesn’t reflect dick size.) Frankly, I’m disappointed this came up a second time. I’d rather hoped never to have to think of that again.
While the others are flying home, Mia and Tristan are in their messy-ass hotel room—seriously, the flower petals that looked so romantic strewn about last night now look like trash all over the floor—and Tristan tells camera that last night Mia confessed she wasn’t 100% truthful about some of the details of her arrest. TROUBLE IN…Dallas.
She DID know the accuser and she DID have a brief relationship with him. Well, NO SHIT. (I totes called that in my previous post. Maybe I’m not Jon Snow after all. I do know SOME things!)
Now, even though Tristan “appreciates her honesty” (her pathetically late honesty…), he’s hurt that she waited a week to come clean with him. So now Tristan and Mia have to sit down with the experts who want to find out what the truth is and explore whether the couples wants to keep going with the marriage.
Mia sits with Dr. Jessica and starts crying in an oddly robotic way. Dr. Jessica is very gentle with her. Dr. Jessica says Mia is embarrassed, has been humiliated, and is terrified, hence the story changing a few times. Dr. Jessica asks Mia if there’s been any sexual intimacy between them. Mia says yes. Interesting. Mia’s dad will not be happy to hear that.
In another room, Rev. Cal sits with Tristan who feels betrayed over the lies. He wonders what else there might be that Mia’s not telling him. He’s concerned there’s yet more to the story and he doesn’t want to keep living in this pain. (Which, of course, means that he’ll definitely stay with her.) Tristan said Mia said she’s falling in love with him. He told her he doeslove her (even though it hasn’t even been a week, and they’d been separated two of those days because she was away from him being arrested), and that’s why he’s stayed around.
Dr. Pepper asks them each if they wanna stay married. They do. Mia cracks some joke about “doing the time” and then, as they’re all chuckling—
Episode over. No warning. Just an abrupt jump to Seven Year Switch which airs afterward. Sooo… just as abruptly, my work here is done.
Except maybe not as abruptly because I’d be remiss if I didn’t add how BORING this season has been so far, even taking into account this bruhaha with Mia’s arrest. Is it just me? Does anyone else want to quit these Dallas Dullards? Sigh.