Episode 4 opens up at the airport. Tristan is still confused about what’s happening with Mia. No info is being shared and Tristan has to go back to the hotel and wait. The production team is trying to get info because they don’t know what’s going on either.
Meanwhile, the other couples are in Cancun heading to the El Dorado Royale hotel for their honeymoons. I’m impressed with the individual pool that comes with Amber and Dave’s suite (though I’m not so much jazzed with how close it is in proximity to the next door neighbor’s pool. That’s not very private.) Amber remarks yet again that she wants to make babies. Maybe they’ll do that on this trip. They haven’t had sex yet because they’re waiting until they trust each other 100%. Don’t worry--they both feel like they’re getting there really soon. (And I think their standards for 100% trust might be a little loose. For me, it generally takes longer than 2 days…but maybe I’m too tough.)
Danielle and Bobby get into their private pool right away. Danielle waxes on about how Bobby once got her ibuprofen because she said she needed some. She remarks that nobody has ever done that for her before. That’s so sad.
Amber and Dave go to the spa. Dave notes that Amber has a “bangin’ bod.” Amber asks Dave where he likes to be touched. They laugh at the suggestive comment, then he answers: his neck. Oh goodie, because that’s where Amber has been touching him. She’s been doing a good job. After their massages, they go in the pool and I notice Amber has some bad sunburn on her neck. Hopefully she doesn’t like to be touched there, too, because OWIE.
Bobby and Danielle have a three-layered shot in their room and then play with sexy dice. They make out a little. I’m bored. I want a bowl of cereal.
After a commercial break, Dr. Jessica talks about the honeymoon and how it’s so important for building intimacy and whatever. Cut to Amber and Dave in bed. Amber notes that they took advantage of their outdoor shower last night which, honestly, felt like a really rando thing to share, and then she remarks how we could probably tell because her hair was “nasty.” That’s the point at which Dave reaches over and pulls the sheet over Amber’s exposed boob. Ut oh. And then there’s some giggling, and then we find out they had sex last night, as it’s been “building” for a while now.” Amber says it felt more intimate and special than other first-sex experiences she’s had in the past, probably because it was with her husband. Now their marriage is “official.”
Over in Bobby and Danielle’s room, there’s an extreme close-up of Danielle. Her eyelashes are always fully made up. Even first thing in the morning. That’s weird. More kissing. Still no sex. Bobby wants to be her “friend” before he can be her “lover.” (I think he’s lying. I think he wants to be her lover now.) Danielle needs coffee and carbs. Me, too, Danielle. Me, too.
Now we’re back to Tristan. A producer shows up, somber-faced, to tell Tristan what’s what. The producer makes a CYA speech about how they did all the background checks and the charges were only filed the day after their background checks came back. Tristan says he doesn’t blame the show. Producer Eric hands Tristan the envelope with the charges and says the show wants to support him in whatever he decides to do. Tristan should totally cut his losses now. But he’s been such a good sport about EVERYTHING so far – Mia’s weird family, weird Mia – that I kind feel like he’s gonna hang in, if that’s possible.
The show keeps saying there’s 2 sides to every story and they don’t know Mia’s side. 3 counts of stalking and one of credit card fraud. (I wonder again if Tristan wants to go up to Mia’s family and be all “how do you like me now???”) He says he doesn’t know what to do but he wants to see his wife. Honestly, why? I get wanting to support someone you know and love through a rough patch in life, but this is next-level baggage to take on with/for a stranger. Legally wed or not.
Back in Mexico, Danielle and Bobby are biking. They’re talking about their ideal versions of marriage. Danielle is sick of the 80-20 breakdown of her past relationships where she does the bulk of the work. She wants both spouses to put in the effort. They agree they each want at least 2 kids. Danielle says she wants her kids to grow up with a sibling. She doesn’t want to have a 9 year old and then start all over. Southern Gentleman Bobby says, “I don’t know if you could have a 9 year old and then have another one anyway. You’d be 39…” Danielle is all, “Wow. Is that an age joke? Hmm, yeah, my eggs are gonna dry up at some point.” Bobby tells camera that Danielle is 30 and though she isn’t ready to have kids yet, it’s something they want to do eventually, and so he thinks this is healthy conversation. Riiiiiight. That was a very healthy way to bring up your wife’s age and sound like an ass. Now he tells her how his dad always provided for the fam and his mom stayed home, and he wants to know if Danielle would be willing to stay at home and be “mom.” She’s not down with that. Bobby looks nervous. Danielle wonders if this is gonna be an issue.
In Dallas, Tristan is still mulling things over. The phone rings. It’s Dr. Jessica. Tristan confesses how he’s really struggling right now because he feels like he’s not sure who he even married. (Ooh, ooh! I know this one: It’s a crazy stalker, T.) Dr. Jessica notes that she and the other “experts” spent a lot of time with Mia during the selection process and the behavior in the charges is “incongruent” with the Mia they came to know. (Really? Because I’m not feeling all that shocked, to be honest. But okay.) Producer Eric lets Tristan know the cameras are going to wherever Mia is when she’s released and wants to know if Tristan is going, too. T is all “I know I have God, but this is a serious test of faith…”
At the resort (where at this point poor Tristan may never get to visit), Dave and Amber are playing basketball. Remember on their wedding day when they discovered they go to the same gym? (Turns out they live about a mile apart, by the way. I read some article about that this past week.) Well, Amber notes that she dated a guy from the gym that Dave happens to be friends with. Amber hopes that won’t be an issue and Dave won’t, like, get mad at her about it back in Dallas. Dave admits (to the confessional camera) that he remembers the friend talking about Amber back when they dated, and that had Dave known about this before the marriage, he probably would have quit the experiment. Dave assures Amber he’s not mad at her, but he admits he is disappointed to have to deal with it because he thinks it’s gonna be really weird when they get home and see this ex at the gym. Amber tells him she agrees, but she’s worth it and their relationship is worth it. Dave looks unconvinced. Still, he notes, historically, when he dates people and things pop up that seem problematic, he usually just ends the relationship. But with this marriage, he’s already committed, so now he needs to find a way to work through them.
Bobby and Danielle are eating dinner on the pier and drinking giant glasses of what looks like chardonnay. I wish I was drinking a giant glass of chardonnay. They rehash their earlier discussion of male/female roles. Bobby says that although he comes from generations of women and men in more traditional gender roles, he knows this is 2018 and he doesn’t expect that from her, so he’s open to whatever she wants to do. Bobby wants her to be his wife forever. Danielle feels like he’s so genuine and doesn’t see how the other shoe could drop. (Sounds like a dare to me, Danielle. Better take cover.)
Day 4 of marriage! (And time for my cereal snack!)
The two honeymooning couples are meeting up today at a ceynote. Amber thinks Danielle and Bobby look like Barbie and Ken. They kinda do. Bobby thinks Dave and Amber look very comfortable together. It’s because they shagged last night. Everyone wonders where Tristan and Mia are. Obvs the show hasn’t told them anything. That makes me laugh.
Danielle, it turns out, is terrified of heights. Her legs shake as they walk down rickety stairs to the bottom of the gorge to jump into the water. Bobby is also not a fan of heights but he keeps himself together to try to comfort Danielle. (Point to Bobby on that one.) Amber and Dave jump in immediately and leave the other couple on the stairs deciding how the hell they’re going to get out of there. Danielle, though, seeing the fun Dave and Amber are having, decides to go in the water. She and Bobby join the fun and are happy they did.
Flash to Dallas. Black info screen is back: “At 10:30PM, after 2 days in custody, Mia was released.”
Mia is in the cab on the way back to the hotel. She says the police deemed this identity theft. She said her car was stolen and whoever took it also used her information to access whatever other charges they did, but the police wouldn’t tell her the other charges because it didn’t end up being her. So she got her stuff and she left. She’s wondering what’s going through Tristan’s head.
The experts call Mia and tell her the charges that Tristan has read and Mia said it’s all 100% false and none of that happened and she’s never heard any of that before and she’s been cleared. The experts are relieved, but warn her Tristan has this report. Rev Cal suggests to Mia that they use this experience as “a great launching pad to transparency.” Mia is concerned Tristan is going to want to give up on their marriage.
I call bullshit on this whole thing. If the ONLY charge was the credit card fraud, fine. I could maybe swallow the identity theft explanation. But there’s three stalking charges. You mean to tell me that some stranger stole Mia’s vehicle and then stalked Mia’s ex-boyfriend, but the ex-boyfriend didn’t realize it wasn’t actually Mia? What? That’s preposterous, you say? That doesn’t even make sense? You’re right. Ok, so maybe you’re telling me it was a complete coincidence that some stranger stole Mia’s car AND her ex-boyfriend decided to invent false stalking charges. Poor Mia, she just had a really, really bad day. What? Also hard to buy? I agree. Secondly, Mia claiming this is the first she’s hearing these charges? No way, dude. For one thing, she didn’t seem the least bit surprised to hear them when the experts were reading them off to her. She was the picture of calm hearing all these allegedly false charges she’d never heard before. (If she’s not lying, she should go play some poker post-haste!) Moreover, in the two days she was in custody, there’s no effing way she wouldn’t have been presented with the list of charges on a warrant out for her arrest. Ergo, if she’s saying that any of this is “news to” her, she’s full of shit.
Oh my god. So now Mia shows up at Tristan’s room and she gives him a big hug before they talk at all. She keeps referring to it as a “mistaken of identity” and I want to smack her because THAT’S NOT A THING!
Anyway, Mia asks Tristan if he has the list of charges (that she knows damn well he has) and he shows them to her. She stares at the paper as though reading through them and Tristan clearly wants to talk about the stalking claims. He’s all, “What’s the deal with this guy?” And Mia repositions her body and looks at the paper really closely and goes, “That name…doesn’t even ring a bell.” Tristan counters with, “So you don’t know who that is?” And Mia stares harder at the paper like oh shit, that dude was totes my ex and I bet at some point a picture of us together might show up so probably I may have overstated things when I said it doesn’t ring a bell. So she says, “Um, I mean, I know OF him, but…” Then Tristan says, “How do you know of him?” Mia hedges, “Like just through mutual friends. It’s a small town.” Tristan smells the stench steaming off of this heap of lies, so he asks, “So why would he go through all this trouble then?” I’m feeling proud of him for not buying Mia’s obvious bullshit. But then—wait! He gives her a pass by saying some of it doesn’t make sense since the report states that Mia ordered him a Christmas gift with his own card. Mia, seizes this opening and giggles as she agrees with him, then says “none of this is true actually, and I think that’s why they just let me go.”
(Actually, though, they probably let her go because Louisiana didn’t want to extradite her back there. (But guess what? In that case, the charges wouldn’t be dropped. The warrant would still be active. They just don’t feel like coming to get her for this.))
TRISTAN ACCEPTS THIS! He says if Mia said it’s not true, then it’s not true, and he doesn’t want to keep talking about it. He’s choosing to believe his stalker wife. Then they go jump on their bed and Mia notes how lucky she is that Tristan is such a sucker.
And so am I because I keep watching this swill.