The second episode (which the show is calling the 3rdepisode and so I will also henceforth call it that to avoid confusion) opens with unnecessary recappage of the previous episode.
Dave offers to carry Amber across the threshold but she’s all, “No, Dave. I’m a grown-ass woman and I don’t need to participate in that antiquated ritual.” Actually, she just shook her head.
Mia is still acting weird. Hiding behind a pillow, leaning over as though to protect herself (body language 101). Tristan makes a weird comment like, “Now we just need to memorize each other’s name” and she’s like, “Yeah, because I keep forgetting.” Um, I’m sorry. You keep forgetting his name? I realize you only just met him today, but you married him. If you memorized no other thing today, his name should be that thing. Unless, of course, she keeps calling him Jay because, well, in that case I kinda get it.
Danielle is grooving on Bobby. Such a gentleman. Barf. They re-air the footage of her coming out in her yoga pants and crop top and him looking away nervous-excited like “omigod is this really happening? I’m so luckkkkkyyyyy!” The newlyweds notice the bowl of Magnum condoms on the nightstand and it sounds like Bobby is about to make a joke about how he’s not that big, but then thinks better of it and trails off. Danielle tells Bobby how all his groomsmen told her she’d need to make the first move. (KNEW IT!)
In another cabin, Dave gives Amber the most amateurishly constructed scrap book of his baby pictures. The sentiment was nice and all, but his scrapbooking technique is embarrassing to behold.
Tristan offers to sleep on the couch. Mia generously declines.
Everyone goes to bed.
Now it’s morning. Officially “Day 1” of marriage now. Everyone wakes up fully made up with good hair.
Danielle is impressed when Bobby walks five feet from the bed and loads up her plate with food that has been left there by the magical Breakfast Fairies. Such a Southern gentleman!
Tristan is admiring Mia’s face and her outfit and everything about her. She giggles but tells the camera something that surprises no one: they didn’t consummate the marriage and she hasn’t even kissed him yet. Gotta hand it to Tristan, though; he manages to stay positive and patient and makes silly jokes and doesn’t make a big deal about going at her pace.
Dave and Amber finally get out of bed. The Breakfast Fairies stopped there, too. Amber likes everything but Dave reveals he’s sort of missing his routine smoothie. So far things are going great and they’re getting along so well and Amber thinks this marriage thing was a good idea. Next they discuss the family brunch and Amber is confused and surprised to hear Dave has invited his groomsman and their families to act as his “family” at the meal. She worries Dave’s real family doesn’t like her and maybe it wasn’t such a great idea getting married to a stranger. Someone needs to tell Amber that she seems insecure and needs to relax a bit. They couldn’t possibly not like her specifically. They don’t even know her. Plus, Dave just said he’s closer to his friends than his family, so if she wants to get nervous, maybe it should be about how little she knows about her spouse and his familial dynamic and less about how people feel about her.
Not gonna lie: kinda feeling really bored so far with this ep.
Back from commercial and it’s time for the dumb brunch. Because of course it is.
Dave and Amber’s brunch is held in a terrible location, around a grouping of tiny cocktail tables and everyone has to sit next to each other on this long booth thing. Whose brain buster was that, I wonder? It’s clearly hard to hear over the din and they are shouting to one another. Which makes it even more awkward than it already would be when Amber’s mom starts off the conversation asking if the newlyweds shagged last night. After some sputtering they say no. I’m not sure I buy that, but I don’t blame them for not admitting it in that setting. Amber’s sister wants to know if Dave’s close friendships will influence him a lot in his marriage. He says he’ll do what’s right for him and Amber.
JayT and Mia’s brunch is in a cabin and the family members are all perched on couches and chairs, even though the food is on the dining room table. (These producers don’t seem to understand how brunch works.) Mia’s family immediately asks what the couple did last night. There’s a stupid back and forth when they say they “just went to bed” and someone corrects “just went to sleep.” I feel like someone needs to tell all these people MIND YOUR OWN DAMNED BUSINESS. Anyway, Tristan asks if the family has any advice for them as newlyweds and Tristan’s mom suggests they ask lots of questions of each other and answer honestly, rather than saying what they think the other person wants to hear. Mia’s dad admits Tristan seems like a good guy, but you have to read past the cover to truly discover the whole story. What a metaphor, daddio. Thanks.
Bobby and Danielle’s brunch setup is a proper one: at a restaurant with diners seated across from one another at an appropriately sized table that holds food and encourages conversation. Said conversation mostly revolves around whether or not Danielle is going to take Bobby’s last name (they haven’t discussed it yet), and, I’m happy to report, doesn’t include any crass questions about whether the couples made use of those Magnums last night. Maybe there IS something to be said about Southern manners.
Dr. Jessica shows up post-brunch and pre-honeymoon for a little counseling sesh.
She starts with Mia and Tristan. Boring convo. Mia is still uncomfortable. Then Bobby and Danielle. Also snooze-a-rific. Finally, Amber and Dave. Aside from the revelation that they didn’t, in fact, shag last night (Amber noted that she thinks they eventually will, but they wanted to wait until they know each other better and also “can’t take it anymore”), it was just sort of more of the same. In each conversation, Dr. Jessica wanted to hear how they felt when they first saw each other – everyone felt pretty good – and then she advised them all to figure out how their partners like to be loved, and love them in that way. (I.e. Bobby likes communication but Danielle is a bit guarded. She admitted she has been feeling very thankful of how sweet Bobby has been over the past 24 hours, but she hasn’t verbalized it to him. She’ll work on that moving forward.)
Besides her deep wisdom, Dr. Jessica brings with her the honeymoon baskets. Cancun, Mexico is their destination. Although the honeymoons are for them to experience concentrated newlywed time, all three couples will be there at the same time so they can also have some shared couples experiences and support.
Bobby is super excited watching Danielle pack lingerie. Dave is less excited to discover Amber is not a light packer. Tristan can’t be feeling much of anything because MIA IS THE COLDEST FISH IN THE SEA.
As they wheel their 27 pieces of luggage out of their room and the show is going to (yet another) commercial, Amber says, “Who knows? Maybe we’ll have a honeymoon baby.” I swear. I watched it twice in case I’d imagined it. I guess she plans on getting to know Dave really fast.
Bobby just said, “Here we are fixin’ to leave the country and I don’t even have your phone number.” What a cowboy. They fix the situation and exchange digits.
Amber is looking forward to drinking a lot on the beach. Dave remarks to camera that Amber is “quirky.” I don’t know how quirky it really is to look forward to drinking on vacation, but probably Dave is just a bit cranky because he’s thinking about the long stretch of breakfast-smoothie routine he’ll be missing while they’re away.
Tristan makes lots of playful comments in the limo. Mia fake-laughs a lot.
Bobby and Danielle and Amber and Dave are in the plane preparing to go to Mexico. Mia and Tristan are presumably also about to board when – Shazam!
BLACK SCREEN with WORDS.
“At 8:40AM, Mia and Tristan were prevented from boarding their flight. Customs Officials have escorted Mia away for questioning.”
Tristan is super stressed, alone at an empty baggage carousel thing.
More WORDS: “Tristan is currently unaware of Mia’s status and location.”
Poor Tristan is freaking out. He can’t talk to her. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He prays for clarity soon.
Then…TO BE CONTINUED.
(Spoilers ahead- stop reading now if you want to wait until next week to find out what’s up with Mia.)
Honestly, this whole airport questioning debacle would have been a lot more exciting to watch had I not read this article a few days ago that explains how Mia was arrested on several counts of stalking her ex-boyfriend and one of a fraudulent use of an access card.
I guess when I slammed Mia last week for her concern about the STDs because I was sure the show would’ve tested for all that, I may have given them too much credit. Maybe Mia was all, “If they didn’t unearth my fugitive status, what else are they missing?”
In any case, I’m curious if this spells the end for this couple (since, like, one of them may be in jail) or what.
And to think, Mia’s dad was worried Tristan might be the one with the plot twist…