It’s Day 24.
Danielle and Bobby are coloring in a map poster of places they’ve visited together. (So far, it’s Mexico.) Bobby and Danielle are both feeling like everything is perfect. Bobby hopes it’s not too good to be true.
Amber and Dave are having a date night out. They’re playing with Dave’s ring which is stuck on his finger. Amber shares how she’s starting to lose her hair. She thinks maybe she’s dyeing it too much. Amber says she feels more herself as a blond, that it better suits her personality. Dave asks for more information about this and Amber repeats those points and adds how she prefers this look over how she looked as a brunette. Dave doesn’t understand this, particularly as the process seems to be making her hair fall out. In his mind, just stop doing it. He tells camera he saw an old facebook picture of Amber with dark hair and she looked great. He adds that he finds her attractive now as well and is attracted to her, and accordingly, he doesn’t know why she’s so insecure.
Amber gets a little touchy about the topic when Dave says he generally doesn’t understand the culture of people wanting to change their hair color from what they get naturally. Amber points out that millions of women change their color and it’s no big deal. Then she tells him they should stop discussing this topic because she already feels insecure about him not liking her hair color and now here he is trying to talk her into dyeing it brown. He looks a little shell-shocked at how she put words in his mouth and assures her he isn’t trying to talk her into any such thing, and then they just stare awkwardly at each other as the camera views them from afar and we all realize ain’t no way these two are staying married.
(Side note: I agree with both of them on this particular point. On the one hand, there’s Amber’s point that tons of people – both genders – dye their hair. It really is NBD. I also agree with her that a person can “feel” a certain look better reflects his/her personality. I used to have one color hair because in that stage of my life it felt like “me.” Now I have another color (which is actually much closer to my natural color) because, at this stage of my life, it better reflects who I feel I am now. So when Amber says she feels like she should be blond, I understand what she’s getting at. On the other hand, when Dave says that he doesn’t understand why Amber would choose to do something to herself that is causing her harm – i.e. making her hair fall out – and how, to him, it would be an easy decision to simply stop doing it in that case, I agree with him. If at some point I started losing my hair because of the dye, I’d stop dyeing it. Yeah, I’d be bummed to no longer have that option, but I’d rather have my natural color than no hair.)
Ugh. Mia and Tristan now. I don’t care about these two at all. Mia is a joke and Tristan needs to have quit her back at the airport. But they’re about to have what Tristan envisions as a “light lunch” with Mia’s sister and dad. Uh, T? Do you not recall the last time you met with these two? The sister was a raging bitch to you the whole time and the dad told you he didn’t want you sleeping with his daughter? I don’t think a “light” lunch is in your future with these two. Like, ever.
Ha! Mia sets about destroying the “light” vibe immediately when she drops the bomb that she and Tristan visited his family in Houston and they might be moving there. (I think Mia did this on purpose because she, in fact, doesn’t want to move to Houston.) Naturally, Mia’s sister and dad pounce. What do you mean? You only just met and now you’re moving? This is a terrible idea! Why would you do this? So instead of talking basketball as he’d naïvely hoped to do, Tristan is left to explain that the move to Dallas is because of his tutoring franchises. (In case you’re wondering, in light traffic, it takes 3.5 hours to drive from Dallas to Houston.)
Mia’s sis, Deidre, is having none of it. Didn’t he think of this before he got married, she wants to know? Tristan says he did, actually, and proceeds to did a deeper hole by saying that he told Mia that she can keep her condo and he can have a one-bedroom in Houston and they can go back and forth. Deidre is unimpressed and hammers him for focusing so much on his business, when he should be talking about their relationship and not planning to live separately! Mia meekly interjects that this all feels more like an interrogation than a conversation, and nothing has been decided, and can they please cool it? Tristan tells camera that he doesn’t know why Mia brought it up in the first place when they hadn’t figured it out themselves yet and he hadn’t been ready to discuss it. Tristan tells Deidre that Mia is allowed to decide. Deidre informs Tristan he’s essentially given Mia an ultimatum.
Mia quietly turns to Tristan and asks if he’s feeling uncomfortable. He replies, “What do you think?” at which point she turns to her family and says in her best Captain Obvious voice, “You guys, Tristan is feeling uncomfortable…” Tristan views this as Mia throwing him under the bus. He’d wanted her to take the lead to diffuse the situation (that she started in the first place) and Mia is only making it worse. Tristan puts his head down at the table to pray to his god to give him strength not to stand up and yell, “Mia is a lying stalker and how dare you people give ME the third degree!!!” before stomping out, never to return.
Wow. This is good tv.
To offer viewers a respite from the high intensity of thatscene, they take us to Danielle and Bobby. They are playing the fishbowl game in bed. (That’s the one with the bowl of questions meant to spark conversation.) It starts off easy. “What’s your fave feature on me and why?” Bobby answers as we all know he will: your eyes and lips. Snoooooooze. (Eyes because they’re beautiful and lips because they’re a good lip shape. For real, that was his answer.) Things intensify, though, when the questions get more private and sexual. Danielle doesn’t want to answer things like “how would you like me to initiate sex?” and she really struggles with “what is the most unusual thing someone has asked you to do in bed?” Bobby is up for the game, but Danielle is private and he wonders if this is going to be a problem.
Hi, Bobby? It’s not. But you know what is?
That’s right. Tristan and Mia. Let’s look at THIS trainwreck, shall we?
Tristan and Mia have survived lunch. Tristan looks ready to blow as he scolds Mia for dropping that bomb on her family, particularly as they’d had at least some discussion on not yet sharing it. She doesn’t understand why he’s so upset. He says, “I have to baby you through conversations!” He explains that issues like moving are major bombs one doesn’t just announce before pleasantries are even exchanged. Also, one doesn’t have a whispered convo with one’s spouse about their level of comfort only to turn and share what was said immediately thereafter. He doesn’t know why she doesn’t get it. You know what I don’t get? WHY TRISTAN IS STILL TRYING TO WORK ON THIS WITH MIA!!! Mia apologizes and Tristan lets her off the hook again because he’s a bigger idiot than she is, at this point.
The couples are having Wife Day and Husband Day now. The gals are getting pedicures and the men are at the driving range. How cliché.
Mia shares a cleaned-up version of her latest issue with Tristan. She says “y’all” an unnatural number of times. Amber dishes about her hair fight with Dave. Then the ladies look over to Danielle to hear about her and Bobby, and of course Danielle has no issues to share. Danielle tells camera that she tries not getting involved in other people’s issues and that she’s happy to be a listening ear, but there’s only so much of her own energy she’s willing to put toward them. Amber tries asking for advice, but Danielle has none to give. Amber thinks this is complete bullshit.
Well, we’re about to find out because as soon as they’ve hit some golf balls, Dave and Tristan ask Bobby how things are going and Bobby is all, “I don’t know… I don’t know… we just…” Nope. As predicted last week, that was all editing. Bobby has nothing negative to share. He’s in love with her. Maybe he’ll tell her soon. The guys are like, “We hate you right now. Har har.”
Tristan and Dave recap their own wife issues. With Tristan and Mia it’s communication. Amber doesn’t take criticism well. Dave thinks he may be approaching the situation wrong with her and says he keeps thinking of alternative ways to reach her. Bobby advises against that. He says Dave should keep doing what he’s doing because that’s how he is and Amber needs to get used to him as he is and bend a bit. Dave appreciates that idea. He remarks to camera that he wishes Amber would believe he’s attracted to her, and then overshares that they’ve had sex every night (and most mornings) so things are good in that regard but she lets herself go to the negative place too easily. Uh…TMI, Dave.
Dr. Jessica is visiting Dave and Amber. She’s also concerned with Amber’s insecurities. Amber tells Dr. Jessica that Dave tried to get her to change her hair. (Which isn’t even true.) Dave tells Amber that when she gets negative, he worries for their future. Amber says the more she feels for Dave, the more fear she feels (that she’ll lose him). Dave has happy visions of their future together and just wants to get to them.
Tristan and Mia had a blowup about their communication. Now they’re gonna move forward. (again?)
Now, randomly, even though it doesn’t even fit with the show theme today, it’s time for fantasies. This is gonna be awkward.
Bobby’s fantasy is a t-shirt and a hat. Of course it is.
Amber wants Dave to dress up like a Viking. He doesn’t seem game for that.
Mia suggests Tristan dress up in a donut costume. (WTF?) Tristin is all, “Aw yeah…special delivery.” Hahaha.
Amber finds a special card on her kitchen table. One of Amber’s fantasies is being surprised, so Dave has asked her to meet him at some address for a night on the town. PS- He’s wearing blue. Amber was happy to know that. (Awww. He knows her love language. Eye roll.)
Dave picks her up in a horse-drawn carriage. They joke about the Viking costume and Dave thinks this is way better than that fantasy and, he adds, maybe he’ll still pillage her later. (Gag.) They’re having a romantic time. They’re drinking champagne. They share a few kisses. Then Dave says, “Wow. You smell really good, and it’s allllmost overpowering.” Shit. That Dave sure knows how to ruin a moment. Amber’s face morphs and she can’t believe that just happened. And this time, I can’t either. Why the hell would he say that??
She thinks of Dr. Jessica’s advice about not taking everything so personally, and reminds herself it’s mostly fear-based. So she doesn’t let that bit of thoughtlessness derail the night. Good work, Amber. Progress! Dave and Amber have dinner on a private rooftop and she squeezes his ass and all’s well.
Danielle pops out of the bathroom in one of Bobby’s baggy t-shirts, short shorts, an ugly baseball hat with a cactus on it, and straight hair, and says in a deep voice, “So I hear you have a thing for girls in hats?” He cracks up. They go to sleep. Their fantasies are as tame as their reality. Ah well.
Tristan is in donut boxers and suspenders. He tells camera that all of Mia’s fantasies involve her massive sweet tooth. She wanted him to dress up as a donut. Feed her donuts. Be a donut. He said he’ll do whatever. Mia is definitely more into the donuts than Tristan when he comes out in his getup. Then they retire to the bedroom and he brings the donuts, saying he may have a use for them. (Gag again.)
At least Bobby’s boring hat fantasy didn’t involve a cringeworthy dick pun.
And then the episode is over. Next week is the 1-month anniversary episode. A month already? It feels like a year…