I wasn't even going to watch this season of Bachelorette. It's a dumb show. It's trash, in fact. There's no denying that. And from last season's ladies, JoJo wouldn't have been my pick for the lead. I didn't find her all that dynamic. She seemed friendly enough, and she's attractive, but they didn't edit together a compelling enough story for her at any point for me to feel invested in watching her "journey" to find "love" this season.
But the thing is, I forgot to delete my pre-set DVR recording and the opening episode taped.
While I was getting ready for bed, I flipped it on because it's the perfect thing to have on in the background because I don't miss much over the sounds of tooth brushing and such. It's just people blathering on with their scripted hopefulness that this process--which so often fails because it isn't rooted in any sort of reality--will work for them. No doubt, at least half the time, they want it to work for their personal exposure and not a relationship. Whatever.
In any event, I had it on. I saw the intros. I had LOTS of thoughts. But with whom could I share those thoughts? My husband hates the show and won't listen to my commentary. Then it hit me: blog it.
And so, here is my commentary for the first episode of JoJo's season in as close to real-time viewing as possible (inasmuch as I can keep up with the typing). I'm not going to go back and edit after I've written it, either, because I can't spend the whole day working on it, now can I? (The answer to that, friends, is no.)
The show opens with a recap of JoJo's "journey" on Season Ben.
She was one of the contestants who came out with a dumb schtick-- unicorn head? Really? Ugh.
Ben really stepped in it last season. He should never have told two people he was in love with them. That's total bull.
Pensive water shot. Look into that fountain, JoJo. Stare at those flowers in the tree, JoJo. That criss-cross chest blue dress she's wearing in the "confessional" thing is lovely.
I hate that they had her walk along the beach in a bikini. It's so demeaning. Why couldn't she just be in shorts and a tee-shirt? (It reminds me of the IDIOCY that was the Chris Soules season when they had the girls ride around atop tractors whilst in bikinis. On a city street.)
A rundown on the requisite advice session with past contestants.
Nerves? They lay it on pretty thick telling JoJo that the men will look
to her to calm them down and set the tone for the experience.
Kiss on night one? They tell her it's a go. Why delay it? You're there to find a husband and if you feel attraction, you should explore it. * I think this is bad advice. Kissing on night one should not be on the table. Not when there's 26 men and you're talking to them for 5-10 minutes at a time.
Focus on compatibility and don't just get swept away with attraction, confusing lust with love. * Agreed. Good advice.
Are you ready to get engaged? This is a planted question. These ladies are here as extensions of the unnecessary host. I can practically hear Chris Harrison in the question. Anyway, JoJo says she is ready.
Kaitlyn: "I'm so scared for you... I'm just being honest." Shut up, Kaitlyn. Nobody needs your honesty right now. (Full disclosure: I'm not a Kaitlyn fan. I didn't like her on Chris's season. Didn't like her on her own season. Still not liking her. I do, however, like her stripey shirt.)
Chris Harrison gives JoJo a glowing recommendation. She's the "total package" -- loving, gorgeous, successful. There was another adjective in there but I missed it and I'm not rewinding for it. But the thrust here is that she's a prize that any guy would be lucky to have. Guys like, well, THESE fellows (who get their own little spotlight before they even step out of the limos!)
Grant, 28, Firefighter. Shaved head. Botox lips. Prominent chin. Eh. Not impressed. He hopes JoJo lights his fire. Get it? Because he's a firefighter? (Gag!)
Jordan, 27, Former Pro-Footballer. Little brother of famous football person I don't know because I don't care about sports. He, too, played a bit. So right off the bat we have to wonder if he's here for the so-called right reasons (aka- for a relationship with JoJo) or if he's here for exposure because the famous thing didn't pan out. He's handsome. But what's with the super skinny jeans? NO! I just don't like them. His hands barely fit in those pockets and his walk is almost as awkward as his final comment that he hopes he'll be "JoJo's number one draft pick." Oh my god. Please stop!
Alex, 25, Marine. Rides a motorcycle. Life turned around by his choice to join marine corps. Short guy. Looks nice in his uniform. He's cute (but his twin is cuter), with pretty brown eyes
James, 27, Bachelor Superfan. Not a good sign (in life) that his career is listed as Bachelor Superfan. What else does he do? According to this intro piece, nothing. But at least his piece is mildly (in comparison to the other pieces, mind you) funny. He's doing his fave Bachelor pose. He's practicing accepting his rose. He's talking about his Bachelor brackets (he lost last season because he had Caila going all the way). He's seeking wardrobe advice from his autographed photo of Chris Harrison. But we don't really know anything about him beyond his love of the show. Which means he's not going to be around too long.
Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Oh geez. Here we go. Prepare for the dick jokes, everyone. Former pastor but now he's found a different way to "lift" people's spirits. When guys come in "they're really down" - a lot of what he does is "pump up my guys" and "get... them excited." "It's a hard business" and "it's really draining" but it "gets the pep in their step." Also, he's "pumped" talking about JoJo-- he's got his "mojo for JoJo." That's just cheap.
Ali, 27, Bartender. HOLY eyebrows Batman! Shit. I think he might have said something about himself, but I'm sorry. I can't stop staring at his eyebrows. It looks like he may have legit had a uni brow and he removed the connective part since it's actually lighter there. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's distracting. For a second I thought I may have noticed he has a nice smile, but then my eyes go right back to the busy above the peepers. YIKES.
Christian, 26, Telecom. He gets up early (3:30) and works out at 4:30. Too early, dude. Looks great in a suit. Pain of interracial background. Role model for brothers who live with him. He's said "journey" twice so that's a good sign.
Luke, 31, War Veteran. Small town country boy. There had to be at least one. There always is. He's a vet, too. He's got a very attractive profile. But when he looks directly at the camera...something goes away.
Limo rides over to meet JoJo. They're talking about how hot she is. How if they picture their wife, she's what they picture. How superficial of them. Oh look-- there's a Jon Krasinski lookalike in the limo. Who is that guy?
Jordan is the first out of the limo. Good sign for him, especially combined with his intro piece earlier. He's gonna be a player. JoJo tells him he looks good. Several times.
It's Jon Krasinski again. His real name is Derek. That's a good name for a love interest. I think I'll use that in a book. He also kind of reminds me (appearance-wise) of Marcus from Andy's season (and then I think he went and did Bachelor in Paradise but I don't watch that show.) Hmm.
Nice first impression, Grant. Way to bring up her painful history with Ben within ten seconds of meeting her. That'll get you points...NOT.
James F, owns a boxing club or some such.
JoJo keeps telling people not to be nervous even if they don't say
they're nervous. I think she really took that pep talk from the girls to
James S. Came for a relationship, not a rose. Nice rehearsed line, but sounded totally rehearsed.
Robby. Walks like he has a load in his pants. Presents JoJo with a bottle of wine and makes her drink from the bottle. Then drinks himself. Awkward. Should've brought glasses.
It's Alex the marine again. He really is cute (reminds me of James Marsden, actually), but his suit doesn't fit. He needs to size up. His muscles are bulging out of it, and not in a good way. And also? The flood is over, Alex. You need a little more length on those pants. I shouldn't be able to see your stupid striped socks, buddy.
Will fake dropped his flashcards so he could use them for an awkward joke wherein he told JoJo he's the most beautiful woman in the world or some shit. Horrible,Will.
Chad. Gets out of the limo. Pretty attractive. But then... awkward grab of her hands that results in them standing arms akimbo and then a waaaaaay too intense stare that, rather than playing off as sexy and soul-searching (as I believe was his game plan) comes off as creepy and
Daniel-- this guy seems like a dick. I don't like him. He seems disingenuous and flippant.
Eyebrows hath arrived. Ali is back. He does have a sweet smile. But goddamn, those brows.
Oh no. James Taylor is singing with a guitar. Hokey. (Meanwhile, there's a ton of men named James here)
Dude in a kilt. Jonathan. He's half chinese and half scottish, but luckily he's "half scottish below the waist." JoJo doesn't get the joke (or does, but chooses not to focus on how he's just sexually harassed her). What does that mean, she wants to know? To his credit, Jon doesn't explain that he was making a disgusting reference to the size of his schlong even though he's JUST MET HER. Instead, he says it's "open to interpretation." Smart. Oh wait. I gave him too much credit. Because as he walks away, he tells her he isn't wearing underwear. Oh dear.
Guys aren't impressed when Jon walks in in his kilt. Dan the Dick is making snide remarks.
Santa. His name is listed as Saint Nick. He's dressed like Santa. Gave her a gift. Saying "Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo" instead of HOHOHO. Doesn't even remove his beard to show her his real face.
Dan the Dick unimpressed with Santa, too, and has some choice bleeped words on the subject. (He's going on the naughty list...) Chad not a fan of the sideshow antics, but Jordan appreciates it because he feels it helps him out.
(Fake) mustachioed man --I missed his name -- uses pun I laughed at yesterday. Today? Not so funny.
Jake. Poor guy. The show glazed over his intro. He's an architect- that's all we know. I predict that's all we'll come to know, too.
Sal and blue balls. He hands them to her and tells her he gives her permission to squeeze his balls any time she is stressed. You know what? That shit isn't funny when you're first meeting someone. It's creepy and rude.
Coley wants to take JoJo "off the market" (real-estate humor).
Brandon the hipster who doesn't have much to say. He didn't watch last season. Guess what else? He didn't brush his hair for tonight, either.
Men note there's a lot of hair gel and cologne right now. Someone feels like he's in a catalogue of sorts. Dan the Dick says, "She's lucky girl. If I was a gay dude, I'd be in paradise."
Christian Slater meets Chris Hemsworth (Nick S) dazzles with a dance and split.
Vinny gives her toast. Like the bread. JoJo must have a gluten allergy (she only mercy smiled at it.)
Peter gives her a stuffed heart.
Chad thought the pickings would be "the number one guys from each state" (meanwhile, where the hell did he get that idea?? Has he ever watched this show?) but he's realizing it's more like a bunch of guys "couldn't meet a girl."
Evan has just sprung from the limo. (Get it? Sprung? Since he's the erectile dysfunction joke machine?)
Wells. "You're outta my league," he tells her. Now All-4-One is singing "I Swear" for her since Wells brought them along. The hipster is impressed. James Taylor "hates" whoever brought them. Jordan thinks this is a good move.
Here comes trouble -- JoJo: "I feel a bad boy!"-- it's Christian.
Luke came riding in on a horse. Oh, a UNIcorn. He still has that great profile but not a good front face. That's the weirdest thing to me.
Chris Harrison. Oh, he's just hosting. He's so pointless.
They keep talking about how pretty she is. Santa is still "JoJoJoJo"ing all over the place. He's still in his costume. And the beard.
She's giving them a pep talk. Thanks for coming. You look hot. Blah blah blah.
Alex the marine and his Dan the Dick talking about how short Alex is and how he must have a Napoleon complex. Alex does pushups with JoJo sitting on his butt. Chad has his own snide remarks to share. It's amazing to be able to watch someone become less and less attractive in front of your eyes.
JoJo is looking for an instant connection but she's not feeling it. Everyone is so nervous.
Oh wait. Here comes Jordan. She feels it with him. He's rubbing her back. She's eating it up. He wishes he kissed her.
More crap conversations. Painful. Especially Will (the fake flashcard guy)-- now he's doing an orgami fortune teller with her... and her fortune is she's about to get kissed. She plays along but it's not a real kiss and she was obviously only being polite. Yikes. Cringe.
But that's ok. Jordan has been thinking about how he didn't like not seizing his own kiss moment before so he's coming back to recreate that moment and give her a real one. "I'm goofy...really goofy... <smoooch>" Wow. What a moment. But she liked it and is now remarking on his butt. She says she needs to start doing squats.
Chris comes in with the first impression rose. Now the room gets tense.
Omigod. Wells is still using the All-4-One card. Get your own talent, dude. Speaking of? JoJo is tone deaf.
The architect wouldn't let the hipster interrupt? Even so, neither of them will be in the show long enough for that to
Chad talking to JoJo pretending to be vulnerable. After all his comments, it's obviously fake. He's pretty confident that if he wanted her, I'll have her???? He's the manlier, more rugged version of Ben? Ben is just a "soft, supple, smooth, friendly guy"? Man, Chad is a DICK. He may be worse than Dan.
Speaking of...Dan the Dick is talking to her now. He's having the most awkward conversation with her. Good. Because he's awful.
People are drinking a LOT. Santa is STILL in full regalia. He's literally lifting his beard out of the way to drink a bottle of beer. WHY is he still in that outfit? He can't be legit on the show. He has to be some kind of random plant.
Dan the Dick is drunk. Poking the erectile dysfunction guy's belly button. Oh man. Let's just get to the rose ceremony already and put us out of our misery. Now he's taken off his shirt. Now his pants are off. JoJo told him to put his clothes on. And he's in the water....
JoJo in the confessional but Chris Hemsworth interrupted and now another one is interrupting. Purple Tie just made a reference to last season. Something like "I'll never make you beg for my love on the bathroom floor." Shit! What is wrong with these idiots???
Eyebrows is playing Beethoven. He's very talented.
She's sitting on Santa's lap. But he's still wearing it that beard. She FINALLY took it off him. But he's sweating profusely. Gross.
James Taylor has impressed her. Now the other Texas guy -- Luke of the profile-only attractiveness--bought her cowboy boots. She's feeling him.
Ooh. First-impression rose time. Jordan?
Yes! I am SO good. Jordan it is. But the rejected guys are taking solace in the fact that Olivia got the first-impression rose last season but then got left on an island. This is a good point. Chad doesn't feel Jordan is being "genuine."
Oh, here's Chris. It's time. JoJo is RELIEVED. She's like, "Thank you!" Honestly, I don't think it would be all that difficult to make cuts right now. I could do it with ease. Here's who I'd cut: Dan, purple tie, Jon, Grant, Chris Hemsworth, Santa, Chad. (She won't cut Chad.), Will, Coley
But wait! Here comes another limo. Jake the Snake Pavelka has arrived. Why? What's the angle here?
They've gone to commercial so I will take this opportunity to think this through before I see why he's here. First off, this is dumb. Jake already had a shot on this show (and several crap spin-offs). He picked Vienna and then that was a complete and utter train wreck and he showed his true colors of, well, being an asshole, and the whole thing wasn't good. I'm not sure if they're bringing him in now to potentially vie for JoJo's hand. The show has been letting people come in and crash the party for a while now, so that's certainly an angle. It's possible he's just there to give advice and they did it over a commercial break to draw it out and let viewers enjoy their shit-fits. We'll see. He's probably trying to stay. He can't let his time run out. To that end, if JoJo lets him stay (assuming she even has a choice which, with this show, I don't necessarily believe is the case) that would be a joke.
It's back. The Bachelor Superfan recognizes him right off. Ha! His fandom is good for something.
Jake is a close family friend with JoJo?? Like a brother? Nepotism in the Bachelor-hood, huh? But he wants to talk to her first. He wants love. FOR HER. Duh. That was the stupidest effing thing I've ever seen. Total ploy.
Whatever. Let's get on with the ceremony. JoJo will go with her gut.
Rose recipients: Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant (WHY?), Derek, Christian, Chad (Chad did lots of bluster as other guys got their roses before him), Chase, Alex (Napoleon complex), Robby, Brandon (hipster? huh!), James F, Ali Eyebrows, Santa (?!?!), Will (no way!), James S , Vinny (purple tie-- Dan the Dick just said "I don't know what JoJo is thinking" -- honestly, neither do I!), erectile dysfunction guy, Dan! (WHAT the EFF?)
It's daybreak as the castoffs leave. That's how long this nonsense takes to shoot. Wow. And Santa is still wearing his stupid outfit.
Thank goodness that's over. I don't know if I can watch more of these. But I'm posting this because I just spent (wasted) two hours of my life on it.