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Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Bachelorette Episode 2: Everyone Hates Chad

Ok, so I'm watching again. Mainly because several friends commented how my post amused them. I thought it might be ideal if I just watched it live, starting at 8 and working through the breaks so it only took me 2 hours tops to do the whole shebang and I could get to bed by 10 or 11. However, we did a lot of stuff around the house today so I was still running around and showering and getting ready for bed, and now the damned show is almost over. Thank goodness for DVR.

My first order of business is to fast-forward through the recap/preview section. I don't need a preview of what I'm about to see. That's a waste of my time, yo. Just start the damned show.

Ah, leading off with ocean water and a JoJo pensive shot. She looks pretty in pink. (Also the name of a fun 80s movie I used to enjoy).

Aw, Luke of the good profile but poor frontal looker already "got butterflies" last week from JoJo. Good for you, Luke.

Now the guys are toasting in the kitchen. Robby is wearing a weird plaid flannel shirt and a wife-beater (that's a terrible name for a ribbed white tank top undershirt, isn't it?) Still, it's not a look I enjoy. He should rethink that. Who just made that toast? ha. The guys didn't love it. But I thought it was about par for the course. Something about happy life and eff you guys she'll be my wife. Or some such. 

First date card. "Let's heat things up." Here we go with the stupid cryptic message. Oh look. The limo is on fire. Literally. It's blowing up. What's the matter, ABC? All the helicopters rented out for today? Maybe later. JoJo just arrived in a fire truck. Now she's pointing a hose and extinguishing the fire. In her tank top and fire pants. Shaking my head.

Chad thinks that the group going on the date now are the B-team. Of course he does. Naturally he thinks he's on the A team.

Someone is loading a suitcase with a bunch of stuff...oh wait. It's Chad. Doing pull ups with his suitcase strapped to his weight belt. Wow. Chad is SUCH a tool.

Back to the date... they're at fire school. Did she bring the firefighter dude? I'm pretty sure he's there. Why aren't they calling attention to that? Who's on the date? Eyebrows, Wells (where's your little All-4-One group now, fella?), plaid-shirt (Robby), Luke, Dan the Dick-- as I'm typing that, he made a dick joke! The last time he pulled a hose like that he was home at his cricket. What a classy guy. Yes--Grant the fire guy is there.

Wells is getting sent for water (to drink it-- he's looking pale.) Now he's laying down. He can't do it. The other dudes are regretting not fainting themselves.

Meanwhile, back at the house...dudes are singing. Chad is not partaking. He appears to be eating steak. What a manly man he must be. First pull ups with a suitcase strapped to him; now meat? Yes. He's so masculine. He's telling the guys that it's weird that they're singing a song about a girl they just met yesterday. While I don't like Chad (like, AT ALL), he has a point there. On the other hand, the purpose of them being on the show is, presumably, to fall in love with her. So embracing the process isn't entirely ridiculous. 

They are back on this stupid group date shenanigans again. They're competing. Luke and Grant are neck and neck. Oh--shocker. Grant won. Well, honestly, that seems like he had a bit of an advantage, huh? He does this for a living, ok?

Ho hum. What a flippin' snooooooze fest. 

JoJo and Grant are having a private chat in eye sight of the rest of the dudes on the group date. Grant is waxing poetic about helping people. Luke, the runner-up, is complaining to camera about how hard it is to have tried so hard to win but to have been bested by Grant. Waa. Grant just told JoJo that he'd kiss her every day before he left for work because there's always a chance he could die out there in his line of work. That Grant sure does know how to kill a mood. I'm surprised he isn't again bringing up how Ben dumped her last season.

She's kissing Grant. Ew. That's lots of kissing. But JoJo likes selfless characters. Sorry, but I'm not a fan of Grant.

Back at the mansion...another date card is arriving. The bachelors are speculating over whether it will be another group date or a one-on-one. Hipster goes to fetch it. Chase wants to go on a date. Too bad for Chase. It's a one-on-one for Derek (aka- John Krasinski). Ex-footballer Jordan tells Derek to stop smiling.

Back on the date...JoJo is taking time with Wells. He's being self-deprecating. She's boosting his ego. He brought photos. Of his bloodhound. Wow. These guys sure know how to woo a girl.

Montage of JoJo talking to a bunch of guys while Luke does the voice-over whine about how he hasn't gotten his time yet. Luke, buddy, you're getting annoying. Luke says he's really starting to feel a connection to JoJo, but I'm wondering how could he have developed these feelings. When was he even with her?

Oh yay. Finally he's getting his time with her. He can shut up now. She wants to know about his past. Military. West Point. Failed relationships. They finish the convo and move somewhere more private. He obviously wants to make out, annnnnd.... he's getting his wish. She seems like she's feeling that smooch sesh.

Luke-kiss-fest now over and it's time to hand out the date rose. Which she gave to Wells. Luke is, not surprisingly, displeased.

Now ABC is bothering us with another idiotic preview of shit we're about to see in the next hour or whatever. PLEASE STOP THIS. Everyone knows there's no need for this show to be 2 hours in length. None at all. It could easily be trimmed to an hour. 90-minutes MAX. Yet they waste all this time with this sort of BS and it's maddening. I just fast-forwarded the last quarter of the endless tease, but not before I saw that Chad the Man--cue chest-beating and Tim the Toolman Taylor grunts-- is going to act like a jerk on the group date. Oh Chad.

Derek is getting ready for his date. He's packing. Because that's a romantic way to prep for a date. I've never seen an early one-on-one ever result in a person being sent home, however, so I think this process is quite for show. Like, you know, the whole show.

Wow. He really REALLY looks like Marcus and John Krasinski had a baby that is HIM.

The date is name-your-own-adventure-esque. The first choice is sky or sea. They chose sky. Wow. The show shocked me just there--they're on a jet and not a helicopter. Ah well, the season is young. Second choice: North or South? North. They just arrived at San Francisco. Choice 3: Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street. They picked the bridge. When I was in San Fran, the fog was so dense when we were on the bridge. After we left the city and drove north toward wine country the sky cleared. Ah, memories. Much better thinking of that than paying attention to this boring-ass date. Kiss or no kiss, JoJo says...kiss. Derek feels fireworks. I feel sleepy.

Back at the house, the guys are singing the JoJo song again. Though there's not much to it-- it's a lot of JoJoJoJoJo (did that Santa character write the lyrics, I wonder???)--it's sounding more polished. I wonder if they're going to sing it TO her at some juncture. Wait and see, friends.

Dan the Dick and Chad are having a heart to heart in the other room. These two WOULD be "friends."  Dan thinks the guys aren't being themselves. Chad agrees. Chad warns girls to "stay away from the nice guys"--um...  His point is that these guys are fake and only pretending to be nice. But he just acts like himself the whole time and actually IS nice. Dear Chad: You don't seem all that nice. Love, Natalie

Oh my god! I just had to pause it and rewind because Chad just told Dan that if they made a protein shake out of "all the dudes" in the house, half of the dude protein shake would have zero chance. Wow. That's just...that's an ANALOGY FAIL. Meanwhile, Chad and Dan like each other. They're the only ones...

There was just a Pat Toomey commercial speeding by as I fast-forwarded through the commercials. The ad (which I believe was anti-Toomey) featured two kittens, one of which seeming to give the other a back rub. Ha! That's more entertaining than this episode so far.

Back to the show. Another date card. "Prove your love to me and the nation." Three guys didn't get a date this week. They are bummed. Chad is not sympathetic. He was all, "you've gone your whole life not seeing JoJo, you can wait another few days or week or whatever to see her. She's not going anywhere." Well, you know, again, he *does* have a point there. But still... hahaha.

JoJo is having a private chat with Derek on their date. She asked about his past relationship. Now he's telling her about his past and how after his last relationship ended, he'd sort of shut himself off. JoJo shares her past with Ben. JoJo thinks they've bonded with that conversation. She is giving him the date rose and another kiss. Requisite silouette-in-front-of-fountain kiss.

Holy moses! This episode isn't even half over!

Group date is at ESPN. Alex said Chad is toxic.

JoJo is doing a spot on the Sports Nation show. Now she's giving hugs. JoJo said she loves sports and grew up watching ESPN. As it were, I hate sports and ESPN. Also? Wait'll these dudes meet JoJo's NUTSO brothers who are IN LOVE with her. (Like, in a romantic sense. Seriously.)

The men will be playing some dumb game. They look like tools. Ha! Chad just said of Jordan: the best thing about Jordan is his brother. (an NFL player) The worst thing about Jordan is he isn't his brother. Hahahaha.

Now they're playing another stupid game. Someone just said Chad looks like he's a protein shake in a blender. That's funny, considering Chad's earlier ANALOGY FAIL. I don't even know what they're doing. I don't care. They're fake proposing, waxing poetic (yes-- there's lots of that on this show) about their love for JoJo. How stupid. Chad and I don't like this.

Chad's fake proposal was: "Will you marry me?" JoJo wasn't impressed with that. She wants him to tell her all the things he loves about her. He counters with, "I feel like in that moment, you would already know what I love about you." Nope. She wants more. He tells her she's coming off a little naggy. The guys are loving it, saying Chad may have just written his ticket home. Haven't these guys watched the show before? Of course he hasn't. He's just written his ticket TO STAY. When Chad talks to camera (a little flushed in the face, it looks to me...) he says they're all trying to act like he's being an asshole, but he's just being honest. He insists JoJo wants a real man and not a boy.

Now there's some nonsense called Press Conference. Tough question time. JoJo just said Chad better up his game. Chad says this is ridiculous; they've never dated a beautiful woman before. I really hate the preoccupation with appearance on this show (and in the world). And what exactly does that even mean, Chad? Do beautiful women want to be treated differently than less attractive ones? That's preposterous!

The sports caster people are asking each dude who they think has performed worst today and they're all saying Chad. Chad contends that he is just being real and honest. Christian is telling him he missed the key portion of the date: fun. JoJo says it's tense. Natalie thinks it's lame. Chad calls everyone out and says (another good point, I must grudgingly admit) that they all just gave this big proposal and are acting like they're in love with her, but how can they know that yet? He doesn't know anything about her except that she's beautiful and ready for a relationship, which he thinks is cool, but he wants to see where this is headed and wants to get to know her and see if they have something together. He says everyone else is just acting. JoJo likes his honesty, she says, but isn't sure if he's "too" honest. Isn't that always the way? As Bon Jovi once said, "If you don't love me, lie to me." 

I'm wishing I hadn't already brushed my teeth because I could use a bowl of cereal about now. Special K Red Berry would be good. Although, on the other hand, that's precisely WHY I brushed my teeth already (to avoid the urge to bored-eat.) So I guess I just won at life. A half point, at the least. (Deductions for still being camped in front of this show...)

They're tallying the marks. Chad thinks he's winning. Sorry, Chad. No way. Power rankings are in. According to the ESPN guys:
#3 (likeable, handsome, not rehearsed) - Alex
#2 (honest about his feelings, emotional honesty) - Chad
#1 (pretty clear choice, talented) - James Taylor

Chad thinks those are bogus rankings. Now the guys are left with Chad and they're arguing again. Chad said they all lied to her. Blue shirt said "we all know why we're here" which was his way of saying, "Of course we lied. That's what the show IS."

Commercial break. My husband is in the kitchen setting up our coffee for the morning brew. He does it every night. I don't make coffee. I just drink it. I think JoJo needs to find someone who will make her coffee. That's the true test of lasting love, amiright??

And they're back. James the winner is getting some one-on-one time. He seems like a nice guy. He's not "Abs McGhee" as he puts it (haha), but he  -- he just said she's out of his league. Ugh! Why is she? Because she's pretty and he's only cute? Oh James. Have some faith in what matters, friend. He read her a note he wrote. She loved it. She's crying. They kissed. But it wasn't the same type of kiss she had with Luke. Or even Grant. Interesting.

Chad said Alex is too short. According to Chad, JoJo only likes tall guys. Another montage of conversations. This time it's Chad doing the voice-over (like Luke did earlier). Chad keeps talking about what JoJo wants. Basically, he says she doesn't want characteristics other guys possess, but does want what he has. Meanwhile, how the hell does he know what she wants?

Chad's turn. JoJo just said she thinks Chad is overcompensating for something. BINGO. I agree. There's definitely something to that. He's talking about his little Yorkie puppy and his recently-deceased mom. Seemed a contrived conversation, and he made himself sound extra breezy about it all. JoJo loves how he opened up to her. Oh JoJo, come on! Now they put a coin in the well. Now the wish of the kiss came true. Ho hum. Please make this episode END.

Alex said Chad thinks he's the alpha-male and is the highest level of douche bag. haha. I agree on both counts. Still finding Alex quite a ringer for James Marsden. Not a bad thing for Alex, says me. 

JoJo is giving out the date rose. She's giving it to someone who made her feel special and touched her heart. She gave it to James. Chad is offended. He thinks it's a waste since James isn't even a true contender for the end of this. Oh Chad. Prognosticator of prognosticators. Like Phil the Groundhog.

I don't care for JoJo's outfit. Leather pants. Fringe sweater. Not a fan. Chad is PISSED he didn't get the rose-- he's making a really miffed face. Ha. I love it!

Another commercial. Not loving that.

Rose ceremony night. Finally. The guys are inside wondering where Chad is. Has anyone seen him? How strange. But oh! Chad is waiting outside for JoJo to arrive. He's got wine for her and all. She is surprised to find him waiting for her. Now they're talking. She actually doesn't seem like she wants to be talking to him. She also didn't seem like she wanted--or enjoyed-- that kiss he just planted on her. She said, "Thank you" and pushed away from it. Yeah. Unwanted kiss fo sho.

But Chad doesn't care. He's walking in with JoJo on his arm. Because that was all a big show by Chad to psych out his fellow bachelors.

It worked. They're freaking. Now they are summoning him into the common room. They want to confront him. Come on, guys. Don't give him what he wants. Ugh! They're playing right into his hands. Look at his shit-eating grin. Obviously he planned it--he had a glass of wine for her!

Now JoJo is outside with someone's snowing!!! She's in a wine-colored sparkly sleeveless gown and white mittens. Haha. Why can't they be indoors if it's cold?

Meanwhile, inside...Chad seems to be here for the food. He's eating plate after plate of lunch meat/cold cuts, cheese cubes, and wings. He just referenced a protein shake...what the eff is it with these guys and protein shakes? Some protein shake company should get in on this and get a little product-placement going on up in here.

Hahahaha. Grant just said that Chad is taking the term "meat head" to another level as he's consumed as much food as a kindergarten class. hahahahahahaha.

I can't wait for the dumb rose ceremony to happen already. But there's 20 mins left so there will probably be more Chad-playing-mind-games-with-the-guys and them letting him.

Fresh back from the commercial, Chad is AGAIN remarking about how young and immature these guys are, and how they are trying to make it like a frat house/party. (To add credence to his claim, the editing team shows footage of JoJo and someone TPing the front tree, and JoJo and someone else doing shots.)

JoJo is outside talking with Alex and Chad tries cutting in. JoJo asks him to wait a second. Good for her. Alex. Is. Pissed.

Everyone is mad. Blah blah blah. They are confronting Chad again. Guys. GUYS. He's mind-effing you. You are letting him.

He made a Care Bears reference AND a West Side Story reference with regard to the way the guys surrounded him and weakly confronted him. He ultimately walked away from them.

Now Chad is interrupting another conversation (with Evan ED dude) for another convo with JoJo. He's just doing it to annoy the dudes. And it's working. Chad claims he isn't acting, but this behavior is all an act. He'd rather intimidate the guys than get to know JoJo.

Alex is calling out Chad. Chad is cursing and finger pointing and throwing around threats. This is so dumb. I have better things to do with my time yet I'm sitting here watching these antics.

Thank god. Rose ceremony time.

Chad will, of course, get one because he's the "villain." The editing of today's (brutal, endless, painful) episode beat us over the head with it. So that means he'll be around for at least several more episodes. I don't believe JoJo is all that enamored with him at this point, and if it were solely up to her she might cut him tonight, but I don't believe it IS up to her.

The guys are lining up for the ceremony. Chad is shoving yet another cold cut in his mouth as JoJo walks in. That's just weird. He should stop that.

Ok, finally. She's handing out roses. Let's get on with it so I can go to bed. Wells, Derek, and James Taylor already have their date roses. Add to them -- Alex, Christian, Robby (hate the bow tie, Robby), Luke,  Chase, Jordan, Grant, Eyebrows--er, Ali, Dan the Dick (ugh! Again?!), James F (don't recall seeing him this whole night), Nick (who is that? Santa?), Vinny, Evan ED-- one rose left. It's OBVIOUSLY going to Chad who is fixing his tie and already plotting what he'd say to her if she didn't give it to him. But she did, of course. Chad. But the way she said it? Didn't sound all that jazzed to me. Deep sigh beforehand. telling.

Leaving tonight: Hipster, Superfan, and Cowboy (I think-- they didn't show his name)

Chad just made another protein shake reference. Sigh.

Next week, besides some spilled blood, we have two episodes over two nights to look forward to. WHYYYYYY? Chris Harrison just said there's a double dose of Chad (who is eating in the preview). Um, thanks spoiler alert.

Dear ABC: too much of a bad thing? Even worse. Thanks. Bye.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Bachelorette- Season JoJo - Episode 1

I wasn't even going to watch this season of Bachelorette. It's a dumb show. It's trash, in fact. There's no denying that. And from last season's ladies, JoJo wouldn't have been my pick for the lead. I didn't find her all that dynamic. She seemed friendly enough, and she's attractive, but they didn't edit together a compelling enough story for her at any point for me to feel invested in watching her "journey" to find "love" this season.

But the thing is, I forgot to delete my pre-set DVR recording and the opening episode taped.

While I was getting ready for bed, I flipped it on because it's the perfect thing to have on in the background because I don't miss much over the sounds of tooth brushing and such. It's just people blathering on with their scripted hopefulness that this process--which so often fails because it isn't rooted in any sort of reality--will work for them. No doubt, at least half the time, they want it to work for their personal exposure and not a relationship. Whatever.

In any event, I had it on. I saw the intros. I had LOTS of thoughts. But with whom could I share those thoughts? My husband hates the show and won't listen to my commentary. Then it hit me: blog it.

And so, here is my commentary for the first episode of JoJo's season in as close to real-time viewing as possible (inasmuch as I can keep up with the typing). I'm not going to go back and edit after I've written it, either, because I can't spend the whole day working on it, now can I? (The answer to that, friends, is no.)

The show opens with a recap of JoJo's "journey" on Season Ben.
She was one of the contestants who came out with a dumb schtick-- unicorn head? Really? Ugh.
Ben really stepped in it last season. He should never have told two people he was in love with them. That's total bull.

Pensive water shot. Look into that fountain, JoJo. Stare at those flowers in the tree, JoJo. That criss-cross chest blue dress she's wearing in the "confessional" thing is lovely.
I hate that they had her walk along the beach in a bikini. It's so demeaning. Why couldn't she just be in shorts and a tee-shirt? (It reminds me of the IDIOCY that was the Chris Soules season when they had the girls ride around atop tractors whilst in bikinis. On a city street.)

A rundown on the requisite advice session with past contestants.

Nerves? They lay it on pretty thick telling JoJo that the men will look to her to calm them down and set the tone for the experience. 

Kiss on night one? They tell her it's a go. Why delay it? You're there to find a husband and if you feel attraction, you should explore it. * I think this is bad advice. Kissing on night one should not be on the table. Not when there's 26 men and you're talking to them for 5-10 minutes at a time.

Focus on compatibility and don't just get swept away with attraction, confusing lust with love. * Agreed. Good advice.

Are you ready to get engaged? This is a planted question. These ladies are here as extensions of the unnecessary host. I can practically hear Chris Harrison in the question. Anyway, JoJo says she is ready. 

Kaitlyn: "I'm so scared for you... I'm just being honest." Shut up, Kaitlyn. Nobody needs your honesty right now. (Full disclosure: I'm not a Kaitlyn fan. I didn't like her on Chris's season. Didn't like her on her own season. Still not liking her. I do, however, like her stripey shirt.)

Chris Harrison gives JoJo a glowing recommendation. She's the "total package" -- loving, gorgeous, successful. There was another adjective in there but I missed it and I'm not rewinding for it. But the thrust here is that she's a prize that any guy would be lucky to have. Guys like, well, THESE fellows (who get their own little spotlight before they even step out of the limos!)

Grant, 28, Firefighter. Shaved head. Botox lips. Prominent chin. Eh. Not impressed. He hopes JoJo lights his fire. Get it? Because he's a firefighter? (Gag!)

Jordan, 27, Former Pro-Footballer. Little brother of famous football person I don't know because I don't care about sports. He, too, played a bit. So right off the bat we have to wonder if he's here for the so-called right reasons (aka- for a relationship with JoJo) or if he's here for exposure because the famous thing didn't pan out. He's handsome. But what's with the super skinny jeans? NO! I just don't like them. His hands barely fit in those pockets and his walk is almost as awkward as his final comment that he hopes he'll be "JoJo's number one draft pick." Oh my god. Please stop!

Alex, 25, Marine. Rides a motorcycle. Life turned around by his choice to join marine corps. Short guy. Looks nice in his uniform. He's cute (but his twin is cuter), with pretty brown eyes

James, 27, Bachelor Superfan. Not a good sign (in life) that his career is listed as Bachelor Superfan. What else does he do? According to this intro piece, nothing. But at least his piece is mildly (in comparison to the other pieces, mind you) funny. He's doing his fave Bachelor pose. He's practicing accepting his rose. He's talking about his Bachelor brackets (he lost last season because he had Caila going all the way). He's seeking wardrobe advice from his autographed photo of Chris Harrison. But we don't really know anything about him beyond his love of the show. Which means he's not going to be around too long.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Oh geez. Here we go. Prepare for the dick jokes, everyone. Former pastor but now he's found a different way to "lift" people's spirits. When guys come in "they're really down" - a lot of what he does is "pump up my guys" and "get... them excited."  "It's a hard business" and "it's really draining" but it "gets the pep in their step." Also, he's "pumped" talking about JoJo-- he's got his "mojo for JoJo." That's just cheap.

Ali, 27, Bartender. HOLY eyebrows Batman! Shit. I think he might have said something about himself, but I'm sorry. I can't stop staring at his eyebrows. It looks like he may have legit had a uni brow and he removed the connective part since it's actually lighter there. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's distracting. For a second I thought I may have noticed he has a nice smile, but then my eyes go right back to the busy above the peepers. YIKES.

Christian, 26, Telecom. He gets up early (3:30) and works out at 4:30. Too early, dude. Looks great in a suit. Pain of interracial background. Role model for brothers who live with him. He's said "journey" twice so that's a good sign.

Luke, 31, War Veteran. Small town country boy. There had to be at least one. There always is. He's a vet, too. He's got a very attractive profile. But when he looks directly at the camera...something goes away.

Limo rides over to meet JoJo. They're talking about how hot she is. How if they picture their wife, she's what they picture. How superficial of them. Oh look-- there's a Jon Krasinski lookalike in the limo. Who is that guy?

Jordan is the first out of the limo. Good sign for him, especially combined with his intro piece earlier. He's gonna be a player. JoJo tells him he looks good. Several times.

It's Jon Krasinski again. His real name is Derek. That's a good name for a love interest. I think I'll use that in a book. He also kind of reminds me (appearance-wise) of Marcus from Andy's season (and then I think he went and did Bachelor in Paradise but I don't watch that show.) Hmm.

Nice first impression, Grant. Way to bring up her painful history with Ben within ten seconds of meeting her. That'll get you points...NOT.

James F, owns a boxing club or some such.

JoJo keeps telling people not to be nervous even if they don't say they're nervous. I think she really took that pep talk from the girls to heart. Yikes.

James S. Came for a relationship, not a rose. Nice rehearsed line, but sounded totally rehearsed.

Robby. Walks like he has a load in his pants. Presents JoJo with a bottle of wine and makes her drink from the bottle. Then drinks himself. Awkward. Should've brought glasses.

It's Alex the marine again. He really is cute (reminds me of James Marsden, actually), but his suit doesn't fit. He needs to size up. His muscles are bulging out of it, and not in a good way. And also? The flood is over, Alex. You need a little more length on those pants. I shouldn't be able to see your stupid striped socks, buddy.

Will fake dropped his flashcards so he could use them for an awkward joke wherein he told JoJo he's the most beautiful woman in the world or some shit. Horrible,Will.

Chad. Gets out of the limo. Pretty attractive. But then... awkward grab of her hands that results in them standing arms akimbo and then a waaaaaay too intense stare that, rather than playing off as sexy and soul-searching (as I believe was his game plan) comes off as creepy and

Daniel-- this guy seems like a dick. I don't like him. He seems disingenuous and flippant.

Eyebrows hath arrived. Ali is back. He does have a sweet smile. But goddamn, those brows.

Oh no. James Taylor is singing with a guitar. Hokey. (Meanwhile, there's a ton of men named James here)

Dude in a kilt. Jonathan. He's half chinese and half scottish, but luckily he's "half scottish below the waist." JoJo doesn't get the joke (or does, but chooses not to focus on how he's just sexually harassed her). What does that mean, she wants to know? To his credit, Jon doesn't explain that he was making a disgusting reference to the size of his schlong even though he's JUST MET HER. Instead, he says it's "open to interpretation." Smart. Oh wait. I gave him too much credit. Because as he walks away, he tells her he isn't wearing underwear. Oh dear.

Guys aren't impressed when Jon walks in in his kilt. Dan the Dick is making snide remarks.

Santa. His name is listed as Saint Nick. He's dressed like Santa. Gave her a gift. Saying "Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo" instead of HOHOHO. Doesn't even remove his beard to show her his real face.

Dan the Dick unimpressed with Santa, too, and has some choice bleeped words on the subject. (He's going on the naughty list...) Chad not a fan of the sideshow antics, but Jordan appreciates it because he feels it helps him out.

(Fake) mustachioed man --I missed his name -- uses pun I laughed at yesterday. Today? Not so funny.

Jake. Poor guy. The show glazed over his intro. He's an architect- that's all we know. I predict that's all we'll come to know, too.

Sal and blue balls. He hands them to her and tells her he gives her permission to squeeze his balls any time she is stressed. You know what? That shit isn't funny when you're first meeting someone. It's creepy and rude.

Coley wants to take JoJo "off the market" (real-estate humor).

Brandon the hipster who doesn't have much to say. He didn't watch last season. Guess what else? He didn't brush his hair for tonight, either.

Men note there's a lot of hair gel and cologne right now. Someone feels like he's in a catalogue of sorts. Dan the Dick says, "She's lucky girl. If I was a gay dude, I'd be in paradise."

Christian Slater meets Chris Hemsworth (Nick S) dazzles with a dance and split.

Vinny gives her toast. Like the bread. JoJo must have a gluten allergy (she only mercy smiled at it.)

Peter gives her a stuffed heart.

Chad thought the pickings would be "the number one guys from each state" (meanwhile, where the hell did he get that idea?? Has he ever watched this show?) but he's realizing it's more like a bunch of guys "couldn't meet a girl."

Evan has just sprung from the limo. (Get it? Sprung? Since he's the erectile dysfunction joke machine?)

Wells. "You're outta my league," he tells her. Now All-4-One is singing "I Swear" for her since Wells brought them along. The hipster is impressed. James Taylor "hates" whoever brought them. Jordan thinks this is a good move.

Here comes trouble -- JoJo: "I feel a bad boy!"-- it's Christian.

Luke came riding in on a horse. Oh, a UNIcorn. He still has that great profile but not a good front face. That's the weirdest thing to me.

Chris Harrison. Oh, he's just hosting. He's so pointless.

They keep talking about how pretty she is. Santa is still "JoJoJoJo"ing all over the place. He's still in his costume. And the beard.

She's giving them a pep talk. Thanks for coming. You look hot. Blah blah blah.

Alex the marine and his Dan the Dick talking about how short Alex is and how he must have a Napoleon complex. Alex does pushups with JoJo sitting on his butt. Chad has his own snide remarks to share. It's amazing to be able to watch someone become less and less attractive in front of your eyes.

JoJo is looking for an instant connection but she's not feeling it. Everyone is so nervous.

Oh wait. Here comes Jordan. She feels it with him. He's rubbing her back. She's eating it up. He wishes he kissed her.

More crap conversations. Painful. Especially Will (the fake flashcard guy)-- now he's doing an orgami fortune teller with her... and her fortune is she's about to get kissed. She plays along but it's not a real kiss and she was obviously only being polite. Yikes. Cringe.

But that's ok. Jordan has been thinking about how he didn't like not seizing his own kiss moment before so he's coming back to recreate that moment and give her a real one. "I'm goofy...really goofy... <smoooch>" Wow. What a moment. But she liked it and is now remarking on his butt. She says she needs to start doing squats.

Chris comes in with the first impression rose. Now the room gets tense.

Omigod. Wells is still using the All-4-One card. Get your own talent, dude. Speaking of? JoJo is tone deaf.

The architect wouldn't let the hipster interrupt? Even so, neither of them will be in the show long enough for that to

Chad talking to JoJo pretending to be vulnerable. After all his comments, it's obviously fake. He's pretty confident that if he wanted her, I'll have her???? He's the manlier, more rugged version of Ben? Ben is just a "soft, supple, smooth, friendly guy"? Man, Chad is a DICK. He may be worse than Dan.

Speaking of...Dan the Dick is talking to her now. He's having the most awkward conversation with her. Good. Because he's awful.

People are drinking a LOT. Santa is STILL in full regalia. He's literally lifting his beard out of the way to drink a bottle of beer. WHY is he still in that outfit? He can't be legit on the show. He has to be some kind of random plant.

Dan the Dick is drunk. Poking the erectile dysfunction guy's belly button. Oh man. Let's just get to the rose ceremony already and put us out of our misery. Now he's taken off his shirt. Now his pants are off. JoJo told him to put his clothes on. And he's in the water....

JoJo in the confessional but Chris Hemsworth interrupted and now another one is interrupting. Purple Tie just made a reference to last season. Something like "I'll never make you beg for my love on the bathroom floor." Shit! What is wrong with these idiots???

Eyebrows is playing Beethoven. He's very talented.

She's sitting on Santa's lap. But he's still wearing it that beard. She FINALLY took it off him. But he's sweating profusely. Gross.

James Taylor has impressed her. Now the other Texas guy -- Luke of the profile-only attractiveness--bought her cowboy boots. She's feeling him.

Ooh. First-impression rose time. Jordan?

Yes! I am SO good. Jordan it is. But the rejected guys are taking solace in the fact that Olivia got the first-impression rose last season but then got left on an island. This is a good point. Chad doesn't feel Jordan is being "genuine."

Oh, here's Chris. It's time. JoJo is RELIEVED. She's like, "Thank you!" Honestly, I don't think it would be all that difficult to make cuts right now. I could do it with ease. Here's who I'd cut: Dan, purple tie, Jon, Grant, Chris Hemsworth, Santa, Chad. (She won't cut Chad.), Will, Coley

But wait! Here comes another limo. Jake the Snake Pavelka has arrived. Why? What's the angle here?

They've gone to commercial so I will take this opportunity to think this through before I see why he's here. First off, this is dumb. Jake already had a shot on this show (and several crap spin-offs). He picked Vienna and then that was a complete and utter train wreck and he showed his true colors of, well, being an asshole, and the whole thing wasn't good. I'm not sure if they're bringing him in now to potentially vie for JoJo's hand. The show has been letting people come in and crash the party for a while now, so that's certainly an angle. It's possible he's just there to give advice and they did it over a commercial break to draw it out and let viewers enjoy their shit-fits. We'll see. He's probably trying to stay. He can't let his time run out. To that end, if JoJo lets him stay (assuming she even has a choice which, with this show, I don't necessarily believe is the case) that would be a joke.

It's back. The Bachelor Superfan recognizes him right off. Ha! His fandom is good for something.

Jake is a close family friend with JoJo?? Like a brother? Nepotism in the Bachelor-hood, huh? But he wants to talk to her first. He wants love. FOR HER. Duh. That was the stupidest effing thing I've ever seen. Total ploy.

Whatever. Let's get on with the ceremony. JoJo will go with her gut.

Rose recipients: Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant (WHY?), Derek, Christian, Chad (Chad did lots of bluster as other guys got their roses before him), Chase, Alex (Napoleon complex), Robby, Brandon (hipster? huh!), James F, Ali Eyebrows, Santa (?!?!), Will (no way!), James S , Vinny (purple tie-- Dan the Dick just said "I don't know what JoJo is thinking" -- honestly, neither do I!), erectile dysfunction guy, Dan! (WHAT the EFF?)

It's daybreak as the castoffs leave. That's how long this nonsense takes to shoot. Wow. And Santa is still wearing his stupid outfit.

Thank goodness that's over. I don't know if I can watch more of these. But I'm posting this because I just spent (wasted) two hours of my life on it.